Ben H Week Seven: What Came from Vegas Should Have Stayed in Vegas

Hello, Bachelor nation! Guest columnist Rob here blogging from the mean streets of Chicago. If you've never had the pleasure of watching an episode of The Bachelor with the league at The Nest, it's quite an experience. Wine is in abundance. Earplugs are necessary.

As the solitary straight man in attendance this past week, I feel it is my duty to give my take on this week's episode with an honest eye. Let's get down to business.

The episode begins in Warsaw, IN. Like most places in Indiana, the settlers of the town were lazy and just decided to name it after some other place in the world. Also, fun fact: I once puked in Warsaw, IN but that's a story for another post on another blog.

It's Meet-Ben's-Parents week (for one of the girls at least, more on that later) and we see Ben greet them in the local greasy spoon. They seem like wholesome, God-fearing Americans so all seems right with the world. Ben goes through a rundown of all the girls left and Ben's mom is like, "wait, what? one of them has two kids? I ain't ready to be an insta-gram."

The women check in to the nicest Air BnB within a fifty mile radius and for some reason tell us they love Warsaw, IN. This is perhaps the most confusing part of the episode.

Pawnee = Warsaw.

Ben greets the ladies and then asks out Lauren for a coveted one-on-one in front of everyone. This is taken as an affront to the rest of the women and tears are had.

I hear a wine bottle pop next to me and we are well underway here at The Nest.

BYOWine is how we roll.

Ben gives Lauren the world-renowned tour of Warsaw and they hit all the must-see stops. The old movie theater where he had his first kiss. His high school. And finally the Baker Youth Club.

Alright, let's cut the snark. This date was awesome. Lauren and Ben really hit it off and seemed to have a genuine connection. If I was a gambling man (wait, I am), I'd put all my money on Lauren winning. Also, how great is Ben with kids?! He sat down with a kid who was crying and comforted him. HE'S A SAINT. And Lauren was ~loving it~. I'm fairly confident she was ready to jump him right there and procreate on the spot.

Then some wizard of a child sinks a half court shot like he's Steph Curry and Ben has to kiss Lauren in front of all the children of the corn. Adorable.

Ronnie, all day err day.

Ben and Lauren then pretended to have dinner and chatted about how THAT BITCH (can I say that here?) tried to steamroll over their connection last week. Praise God everything seems back on track for them to have 2.5 kids in 3 years.

Back at the AirBnB, a letter arrives and Jojo is the lucky lady who snags a one-on-one. Seriously, Jojo. Go by anything but Jojo. You're not a backup dancer for Prince. I digress... It's off to Chicago we go! Hey, I live there!

Jojo and Ben straddle each other on Clark Street and then go to Wrigley Field for a dream date complete with Mr. and Mrs. Higgins jerseys. I don't know about you but I would find that creepy. The audience at The Nest did not think so, commenting: 

"He looks good in a Cubs jersey...or anything."

"Or nothing."

But it gets better! After frolicking on the field and being master batters, Ben treats Jojo, who I reiterate is not a backup dancer for Prince, to faux dinner on the field. This elicited the following reaction from the crowd at home:

"Are you freaking kidding me?" (that's jealousy, for all you non-Chicagoans/Cubs fans)

Jojo explains to Ben that she's scared by how much she cares about him. Note to everyone ever: if someone says this to you, RUN.

Cut to Warsaw and the rest of the women are giving Lauren the resting bitch face because she's still glowing from her date with Ben. A card is delivered and ...wait for it... it's a group date! Caila, Amanda, and Becca are chosen which means that Emily, who's "pretty but just has a weird face," gets a one-on-one. Emily and her oxymoron of a face proceed to cry ugly tears of joy.

We then see Caila, Amanda, and Becca standing on a dock and Ben pulling up in a boat on a small lake that sometimes catches fire because it's in freaking Warsaw, IN. The four of them get into row boats two by two and proceed to spin in circles because the complexities of rowing a boat are beyond all of them. This is by far the worst group date ever and I swear, Caila and Amanda are automatons. I don't see why they're still here. Caila's time with Ben is always excruciating to watch and the fact that he *thinks* there's a connection there makes me think Caila's meandering and confusing non-answers to his questions have put a spell on him. Seriously. “I picture myself as moss, and I’ve always been trying to find the perfect tree to grow with.” Good talk.

Becca, who is a smokeshow, lays it all on the line and tells Ben not to blindside her. This interaction in the middle of a fallow Indiana corn field brought forth the following line from the peanut gallery: 

"They're either gonna break up or have sex right now."

Probably not the latter, because, Becca.

Amanda inhales three balloons of helium and then pretends that she can show emotions through her Botox injected face. People, she's in her 20s. At this rate she'll look like Joan Rivers by 35.

Ben is then faced with the tough decision of giving one rose out. This is a biggie since it means the rest of the day will be a one-on-one and he will meet the girl's family next week. I have no idea why but he gives the rose to Amanda. Becca and Caila are devastated.

Since we've already spent ten minutes too many in Warsaw, IN and have run out of places to see, Ben takes Amanda to McDonald's for the rest of their date. This actually happened.

To make it abundantly clear that the bachelor has sold its soul to the Kroc family, Ben and Amanda share a French fry kiss in the style of Lady and the Tramp. Somewhere, Walt Disney weeps.

Next we have an uneventful one-on-one with Emily and Ben. Lolz jk it's a shitshow. Emily wears what I can only describe as stripper jeans and then proceeds to tell Ben's mom that she's "dreamed of being an NFL cheerleader for as long as I can remember" following that gem up with, "I feel like I'm average at everything in life."

This is so incomprehensibly stupid that there are no words in the English language sufficient to describe what has just happened. If Las Vegas was to take the form of a human being, it would be Emily.

Ben's mom then cries when she talks with Ben because Emily is so terrible. Everything that occurred on this date made me uncomfortable. One onlooker was quoted as saying, "She's like Taylor Swift smashed together with Sarah Palin." An apt comparison.

Ben and Emily leave and praise Chris Harrison that date is over. Ben then sits on the dock by their AirBnB and tells Emily she's the worst while the rest of the girls look on from the house. #ColdBlooded.

Finally we reach the rose ceremony and Ben looks DISTRAUGHT. It's looking like a photo finish for the last rose between Caila and Becca. We all know Lauren is gonna get one because she's #thebest and Amanda already has one because Ben meeting children makes for good TV. Jojo is just there so whatever.

Boom. Lauren B gets a rose.

Boom. Jojo gets a rose.

#DRAMATICMUSIC

BOOM. Caila gets a rose.

~and the crowd goes wild...with anger~

Becca walks away with Ben, which autocorrects to barn sometimes, and speaking for the rest of America asks, "Why did you do that?"

Ben, knowing he made a mistake, can't really come up with a coherent answer. As a straight man, I know why this occurred. WE ARE DUMB AND MAKE MISTAKES SOMETIMES. Unfortunately for Ben, his mistake cost him a smokeshow in front of millions of screaming fans at home across North America.

In summation, Ben is an idiot and shouldn't have chosen Caila. She's the worst and her name looks like the word Cialis. Lauren is an angel sent from heaven and will win. Jojo really needs to pick a different name to go by, and Amanda sounds like she's inhaled helium at all times. Thank you for your time and God bless the United States of America.

Love and Roses,

Rob
Straight, Male, First Time League Participant

HUGE thank you to Rob for writing this week's post! If you thought it was funny, which you should because it was, follow him on Twitter for more hilarity (@_ob_yan). Teams and standings are up to date! Some teams who are already out still have a chance of making the podium, which would be a first in Roses to Riches history. Let's make history, people. Love you all.

At least Twimily went down swingin'.

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Ben H Week Six: Bae of Pigs

Happy Terrible Tuesday, everyone. Welcome to the highlight of your day. I am SO thrilled to introduce our first Roses to Riches guest blogger, Nashville Conference Regulator Emily Wurz! She has been instrumental in expanding the league outside our local Chicago reach, so it's only fitting to have her contribute her wit and charm for everyone else to see. I'll let Emily take it from here.

Hi, piggies. This blog post is comin’ at ya from Music City, the land of many bachelor contestants/personal trainers/aspiring musicians. In fact, Shawn B. and Kaitlyn have been spotted at my neighborhood Target, so by association, this is pretty much like a celebrity guest post, right? 

Anyway, truly honored to be the first official guest blogger for Roses to Riches. I only hope I can make Eliz and Julie proud. Let’s dive right in…

Last week’s episode rudely ended with a cliffhanger, giving me PTSD flashbacks to last season’s rocky and unpredictable relationship with rose ceremonies. Will Ben finally see Olivia, the cankle queen, for who she truly is?? In keeping with the classroom theme of the season, Ben counseled Olivia through her distress.

“But, like…what would you have done differently in this situation? Do you have any regrets?” – Ben 

Olivia has no regrets or ragrets.

Olivia likes to read books, not paint nails and they just don’t understand, ya know? Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful.

Meanwhile, the girls are in a tizzy about alerting Ben that someone may be there for the wrong reasons.

Olivia comes back with the rose and the girls are devastated. But the ceremony must go on. Luckily, the score writer felt inspired by his surroundings and composed "Mexico Dramatico" to really ramp up the drama in this interlude. Ben gives the first rose to Sex Panther Caila. Lauren B, JoJo, Becca and Leah (who??) also get roses. Twin gets the final rose of the night, sending Boobs aka Jennifer home. Everyone is crying but then Ben says they’re going to the Bahamas and all is fine and I am fine.

Vamos a la playa.

Now we’re in the Bahamas, and I miss the European travel budget ABC used to have. Beaches are boring, confirmed by one Nashville viewer: “Ben should have them scale a mountain and just see who doesn’t die.” Now that’s television, folks!!

Chris Harrison (I literally typed “Christ Harrison” in my notes and I don’t think it was an accident) enters the condo to give an ominous warning that he hopes to see “…MOST….” of the ladies at the next rose ceremony. A two-on-one date is promised, and we are all ecstatic.

Caila gets the first one-on-one date, and Leah is PISSED and questioning her raison d'etre. Caila wears a crop top meant for a doll (even if someone starved me for three years, I wouldn’t look like that) and she and Ben pretend to fish but really the producers just tossed them the fish they made the interns buy at Costco before they left Vegas.

During their romantic dinner, Ben pushes Caila to tell him her secrets. He’s wondering if she has facial expressions besides smiling, which I think is something we’re all wondering. We are also wondering if Caila survives solely on quinoa and Adderall.

Things get weird—Caila tells Ben, "I feel like I'm in love with you, BUT..." (no points because of the "but" caveat) she is worried she’ll make him feel unloved. Ben is worried she’ll leave him.

“You confuse me.” – Ben
“I feel understood.” – Caila

They are clearly both drunk, and suddenly Caila has the rose and all the previous confusing conversation has been forgotten? I don’t know…I’m over this date.

Lauren B, Lauren H, Amanda, Becca, Leah and JoJo are headed on the group date. Everyone is wearing Aztec print even though we’ve left Mexico City.

Amid drinks and SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS on the yacht, ominous music begins to play and obvi everyone will be forced to face their fear of swimming with sharks, all in the name of true love.

Just kidding, it’s pigs. AN ISLAND OF PIGS. I’m really impressed with ABC on this one. An island full of pigs in the Bahamas is far superior to the pigs on Chris Soules’ farm in Iowa.

At first everyone is really into the pigs. It turns out the pigs know the same trick our family dog (RIP Rego) used to know…cross your arms and they go away. The girls should teach Olivia that trick. 

They’re feeding the pigs hot dogs (cannibalism?) and everyone is loving the pigs, until suddenly it’s CHAOS. JoJo is getting MAULED by the pigs and all the girls are suddenly pissed and no one wants to talk to Ben and Lauren H has a Bubba jug of jungle juice (???) and anarchy ensues. They're also all wasted which really helps the situation.

At one point, I literally think Ben confuses JoJo for Becca, and I don’t blame him one bit because I do the same thing.

Ben: "You, of all people, understand how The Process works. Like remember last time when you were on the show before?"
JoJo: "I don’t know. This pig is coming over here.”

That is how I will end all awkward conversations from now on.

During the group date cocktail party, Leah throws the betchiest Hail Mary pass in Bachelor History, trying to make Ben remember she exists, and throws sweet angel doll face Lauren B under the bus. Not cool, gurlfrand, not cool. Lots of thunder sound effects foreshadow the ensuing tears and drama. Ben gives Amanda the rose and looks seriously thrilled this group date dramz is over.

….Or is it???

Leah surprises Ben in his hotel room. Ben is watching sports because Ben loves sports. And America. And Morgan Freeman. And puppies.

Don't we all, Ron?

“We all had a terrible time with you and the pigs today. Also I’m not here to sabotage, but….” (proceeds to sabotage) – Leah

Leah is such an amateur. Has she never watched the show before? The move here is not to sneak into Ben's room and talk about other people. The move here is to sneak into Ben's room and take your top off. That's the move. That's how you catch your own Hail Mary pass for the winning touchdown. #sports

As expected, Ben sends Leah packing, and it’s FINALLY on to the two-on-one date.

Okay, seriously—this date looked truly terrible. They’re on a remote beach in the middle of gale-force winds and they all look ready to b-a-r to the f. Ben is totally wishing he kept the other twin so he could at least fulfill boyhood fantasies and make out with twins on a yacht. Instead he has big mouth Olivia and Emily, who can’t seem to understand the function of those little rubber bands on her wrist.

Olivia tells Ben she loves him, but it’s simultaneously too early and too late. He gives the rose to Twin, who appears to be breaking out in hives. Or possibly severe windburn. And thus begins my favorite Bachelor montage, where the rejected contestant is left on a remote island/glacier/field and the two new lovers boat/fly/jet-ski away (and a PA is shown dramatically removing luggage from the hotel). Olivia looks like Tom Hanks in Castaway. Maybe one of those island pigs can keep her company.

After some dramatic shots of Ben struggling to stay upright on a remote windy cliff, Our Lord and Savior Chris(t) Harrison tells the girls we’re going straight to the rose ceremony.

There is so much contouring going on at the rose ceremony. Is that a prerequisite for being on the Bachelor? I would end up like this:

U R so beautiful...to me.

The rose ceremony is quick and dirty. Becca gets the first rose of the evening. Then JoJo, and then…we’re already at the final rose?? Which of course goes to my gal Lauren B, sending Lauren H, the possible racist and hater of Jubes, finally home to her kindergartners. It’s okay, Lauren H…there’s always Bachelor in Paradise.

I think we’re left with some really strong contenders here. Ben has cut the trouble-makers, and all you people relying on Olivia for your points are out of luck.

Next time on the Bachelor: tears, love and JARLEE KARLIE CHARLIE!

Thanks, y’all! It’s been fun.

Love and roses and pigs,
Emily

Check your points and standings! Olivia was keeping quite a few teams afloat so we have some more wine winners this week. Huge thanks again to Emily for penning such a fantastic post this week. Leave a comment below and show her some love!

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Ben H Week Five: Rock Out With Your Caucus Out

*turns on TV*

*sees George Stephanopoulos talking about Iowa caucus instead of Chris Harrison telling me what's happening "tonight...on the Bachelor"*

*throws remote at TV in a blind rage*

George: "Thanks for tuning into the Iowa caucus. We now return to your regularly scheduled programming, which is world news for most people, but for some eejit peasants (that's you and me), it's The Bachelor."

Another note: We learned last night that our Roses to Riches blog is considered NSFW at ComEd. It's blocked and Rachel is not able to read at work! I am so sorry. But at the same time I feel so validated as a writer. Apparently making it big isn’t about getting published, it’s about getting censored.

Let's begin. VIVA LA MEXICO! So many crop tops. You can tell that the penny pinching during Chris and Kaitlyn's seasons paid off because ABC is finally on track budget-wise. We've had 3 or 4 airplane/helicopter rides, hot tubs in the desert, and we're traveling internationally in week 5. This is The Bachelor I know and love. Welcome back.

Emily (the twin who didn't get dumped in front of her mom): I'm so excited to really start The Process with Ben now that I don’t have Haley anything holding me back.

Amanda the MILF gets the first one-on-one. YESSSSS Ben pulls my favorite Bachelor move of all and goes into the girls' room at 4:30 am for a surprise wake up call, which is the worst kind of wake up call. I LOVE watching them freak out when Ben sees their faces for what they really are. He shines an obnoxiously bright light at them and it backfires when the reflection from Metal Mouth's, I mean Lauren H's, retainer blinds him forever.

Orthodontia for the right reasons

Side note: does the Bachelorette ever do this? I totally would but I can't recall one recently. If you've seen it happen pls alert me in the comments.

Someone definitely tipped Amanda off that her date was going to start super early, because while all the other girls were screaming and hiding their faces in their pillows, Amanda just sits up calmly, in full makeup, and says "oh good morning, Ben" like the Disney animal character she is. She for sure woke up like 2 hours before, stealthily got ready, and crawled back into bed in the nick of time.

While she's off hot air ballooning, we see Olivia (a known betch) Lauren H (a secret betch and possibly super racist) discussing Amanda's children. These girls are such amateurs. Referring to kids as baggage (which they do) is a one way ticket off the show. And if you express that feeling to anyone it will get back to Ben. GIRLS. FREAKING DUH. Ugh they are so dumb it hurts.

Meanwhile, Amanda says she can't stop smiling but her face is not really smiling.

After they go hot air ballooning they talk about her past. I wish she didn’t use Botox because otherwise I really like her. Doesn't she know she's beautiful the way she is? Someone show this girl a Dove commercial STAT. Also I’m 95% sure she is outfit repeating tonight and clearly does not give two shits about it. Major props. #capsulewardrobe

Ben bringing the kids back into this conversation about Amanda's ex is such a strong move and shows a lot about Ben's character. I think someone rang our doorbell at this point and ruined the moment because I don't have any more notes about that. But it was nice. She gets the rose.

The group date is Emily, Jubilee, Caila, Lauren B, Leah, Becca, Jennifer, Olivia and one other one I can't remember. Help? Emily’s occupation is still twin.

Ben and the girls take a Spanish class to prep for their cooking challenge. They learn useful culinary phrases like "I want to kiss you" and "I love you." The r-rolling technique is perfected by just motor boating the air.

The cooking class begins and the chefs give them a dumbed down version of the importance of food in Mexican culture.

Chef 1: There's a saying that a woman is ready to get married once she knows how to cook.
Chef 2: BUT IT'S A VERY OLD STYLE WAY OF THINKING SO PLZ DON'T SUE US FOR SAYING THAT.

Ben: "I'm no longer the Bachelor...I'm the Spachelor!"
Chris Harrison: "Get out."

They divide into pairs for a cooking challenge. Olivia snatches up Ben immediately for her team, surprising no one.

Olivia: "Ben can you be on my team?"
Ben: "I can be on anyone's team. Literally anyone. Anyone?!?!"
Olivia: "I’m so obsessed with you. Today was the best day ever."
Ben: "It was aight."

Olivia is all four hippos at once.

Lauren B and Jubilee win the contest, but it means nothing because we know that on this show talent gets you nowhere.

Lucky for Lauren B she redeems herself in other ways, namely by looking amaze in her outfit. It must be so hard to be 90 lbs. Good for Lauren B for bringing her A game though, it's definitely working. Ben takes her to a special spot away from the group so they can snog.

Jubilee not so jubilant this week. Her insecurities really get the better of her during this episode and she completely self-destructs. First she rejects Ben's hand hold attempt. Burn. Then it gets awkward and Ben just ends up sending her home unceremoniously. I feel bad for Jubilee. I really liked her but she was not right for the show. Also, I did not appreciate her "I'm so unlovable" comment in her exit interview because that was Ben's biggest selling point so now Jubilee trying to claim it as her own weakness kind of invalidates her. Bummer dude.

Kendra Scott is getting so much free publicity this season.

Ben goes back to the girls to tell them about Jubilee and JoJo steals him mid sentence. What a power move. We learn surmise that Ben has been stealing second base by putting his jacket on the girls!

Sneaky, Ben.

Ben gives the date rose to Olivia, shocking everyone in our living room and sending the girls into a tizzy. Shit's about to go DOWN.

Lauren H gets the last one-on-one. Guess Ben doesn't mind the retainer. Probably because he had one too when he was in high school last year. Lauren H's accent is insufferable and makes it hard to take her seriously. Sam and I spend the entire date repeating her atrocious pronunciations.

Ben and Lauren H try on hideous designer clothes and then they get surprise-entered into Mexico City Fashion Week show, which only proves how low stakes Mexico City Fashion Week is. The biggest takeaway from the runway show is that Ben is, hands down, the sexiest winker in the history of winkers. I am not ashamed to admit that we rewatched it about seven times. However, I am ashamed to admit that the second biggest takeaway was learning that I took part in a winking contest on Saturday night. I have no memory of this contest. Apparently I'm not exactly the "wink and a smile" type. I'm more of the "wink and a smile and two finger points and a high five" type. So there's that.

Also Lauren H walks weird.
Rob: "There are bigger sins than the way she walks."
Me: "For example, the way she talks."

Rob's walk was a little wobbly too...

Lauren H gets the rose.

During the cocktail party, Olivia tells Amanda that her life is an episode of Teen Mom. Her backtracking explanation is, "I’m learning so much about myself." Olivia, get your fat cankles out of your mouth.

Emily falls on the sword and is the first of three girls to warn Ben about Olivia. All three earn those most noble of points.

Raise your hand if you've ever felt personally victimized by Olivia.

Emily: "I hate Olivia and her tacky, poorly constructed prom dress. It’s okay to say that." Preach, gurl.

We're left with a cliff hanger and PTSD from last season. To distract ourselves we spent the next half hour on hold with Bachelor Live, hoping to ask Ben, "DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS FOR ASPIRING CATWALK WINKERS?" I really need help. Unfortunately we did not make it onto the show.

Will Ben take away Olivia's rose? Who will be sent home? We'll find out next week. Rose points for that ceremony will apply to this week's totals, and points will accrue normally thenceforth. Please note, at that point we will be down to a single digit roster of ladies, which means the roses will begin to increase in value by one point each week.

Check your scores and standings, talk smack with your teams. And if you feel compelled, share this on social media with your friends! We love having fans.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth
League Commissioner

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Ben H Week Four: Attack of the Awko Taco

I apologize if this post is a little disjointed. I'm still in hangover recovery from last week's commissioner reunion. If that sentence confuses you, read last week's post.

Welcome back to The Olivia Show. ABC's editors are having a field day with Olivia soundbites this episode. If I had to estimate airtime, I'd say about 60% of the show is dedicated to her. Chris Harrison, Our Lord and Savior, only gets like 5%, which is FAR TOO LITTLE. Need more Chris Harrison.

Miss you, boo.

"Ben is my piece" - Olivia.
"Please mean Slam Piece! Damn, she means calm 'peace.' What a waste." - Me.

Before we get too deep into the episode, let's pause for a message about one of ABC's sponsors. Manwich is the worst show sponsor I can imagine. Yea, the brand name has "man" in it, but serving Manwich sloppy joes is a sure-fire way to lose love instead of find it. Can we have a job placement agency or more Neil Lane instead? Manwich's commercial makes my eyes hurt from rolling so hard.

Back to our regularly scheduled recap:

The twins show off how homogenous they are. They live together, work together, speak together, and even coordinate outfits together. They put no effort into differentiating themselves, and methinks this will come back to haunt them.

JoJo gets the first one-on-one date of the week in Vegas. She gets a cocktail followed by a helicopter ride. Some intern forgot to secure the champagne so it falls and shatters when the helicopter lands. Rookie mistake. You're demoted to Are You the One. Ben asks about JoJo's last relationship and she's super vague about what happened. "Did he cheat on you?" "Well, I wasn't the only person involved...there were trust issues..." She then tells the producer how proud she is of opening up and that she deserves a cookie. The date ends in fireworks and JoJo gets a rose.

Cut to Olivia World, where homegirl is crazy confident for the first three minutes of the show, but after seeing Ben kiss JoJo she realizes that her life ISN'T one big Truman-show type sitch and she flips out.

Next we get a group date. It's the classic humiliate-yourself-in-front-of-a-crowd date that usually happens about this far into the season. The girls have to resurrect their old beauty pageant routines in a "talent" show.

"Crap, I have no talent!" We know. That's why you're on the Bachelor, hun.

Jubilee plays the cello, proving once again that she's the most accomplished and therefore out-of-place contestant. She reminds me of Sharleen in that she's too intelligent for this show.

The twins Irish dance without name tags. Again, no differentiation.
We also have a juggler, hula hooper, balloon animal creator, girl in a chicken suit, and a pogo stick-rider-person.

Olivia has some kind of secret "talent" she's concealing from the girls. SURPRISE! It's nakedness. She wears a showgirl outfit and performs dance moves my mother trademarked at the last family wedding. Her talent is giving other people third party embarrassment. About 10 minutes after the talent show she freaks the shit out and pulls the fake panic attack card to mask her humiliation. Unfortunately, no medical personnel make an appearance, so no points are awarded.

Sexy.

Later that night things get delightfully raunchy. Ben calls Caila a Sex Panther (see you in the fantasy suite, gurrrrl) and the kindergarten teacher gifts us a penis joke ("Little Ben is bigger than I expected...").

Meanwhile, Olivia spends all of her time fishing for compliments. He obliges for a little while. She gets interrupted and then we get another look at her mouth fixation. Later on she comes back to have an awkward attack. She vomits her self esteem spasm all over him and continues her terrible dance routine.

Jim Halpert for next Bachelor.

Out of all of this, Lauren B gets the rose.

Becca gets the next one-on-one.  Dress code is Wedding Casual. Is Becca’s wedding dress from Jessica McClintock? Regardless, she's rockin' some Jared Leto hair.

The best part of Becca dates is all the Virginity Points! These points are new this season, and they're awarded to any contestant who discusses virginity, whether it's their own or another person's. Jubilee and Becca both get Virginity Points tonight.

Instead of getting married and obnoxiously playing Going to the Chapel of Love by the Dixie Cups, Ben's ordained and they marry other people. It's pretty cute in a hijacking-other-people's-moments kind of way. Becca is even wearing a shade of white to really emphasize that people's life moments don't matter unless they're shown on television. Best part of the date is the super awko taco (yes, using it as much as possible) kiss from the two anonymous Asians.

Love is a farse, kids.

Later they go to the Neon Museum / junk yard.

"Can she love? Can she feel? Can she commit?" I've been saying for seasons that Becca is a robot, and Ben is now on the same wavelength.

Ben brings up the virgin elephant in the room and I love his direct style. He just straight up asks her if his sex-having past is an issue. He even uses the phrase "jump their bones." I'm in love. No really, he's making me swoon. Becca gets a rose and meanwhile I'm gassing up my car to go steal Ben away.

Back at the ranch suite, Chris Harrison walks in to a room full of unmade-up girls. The twins get a surprise two-on-one, which is the best kind of two-on-one. They wear the same color in case they need to pull an Olsen-style switcheroo.

Pause: Can you imagine if he picked one and did a hometown date with her eventually? Would he have to have that sit down with the other?

He sees their bedrooms and hangs out with their mom. Ben drops Haley and keeps Emily. If my last boyfriend had broken up with me in front of my mother, he'd be leaving the house in pieces, not a limo. Consider yourself spared, Ben.

Actual footage of the twins' mom.

On the special rose ceremony edition of the Olivia show, she steals time to continue fishing for compliments and rehashing her past embarrassment. He's sending all possible "please stop talking" signals. The editors cut to Olivia's talking head between every rose, which I'm really getting tired of.

Amber and unemployed girl go home. Amber partakes in the traditional Removal of the Heals. Maybe third time's the charm, Amber. See ya next season!

During the credits we get a glimpse into "The Cookie Game" with Caila. Apparently eating snacks without having to move your arms is a sport and I finally have a shot at being an olympic athlete.

Points are up. Check your teams. We have a few folks hanging on by a thread.

Send in your watch party photos and best quotes! We'd love to feature more of the league on weekly blog posts. We're also open for guest bloggers. Call us, beep us if you want to reach us, folks.

Love & Roses,
Julie
League Co-commissioner

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