JoJo's Season: Men Tell All

ABC is really giving us (and our livers) a run for our money this season, gang. Another week with doubled up episodes. Luckily, we've got Conor McCarthy here -- a man to tell all about the Men Tell All. This will be our third and final guest post for the season because Julie and I are taking the finale recap for ourselves, thank you. Before you continue, you might want to load up dictionary.com in a separate browser tab. And have your scrolling fingers ready (there are actual term paper footnotes!). Conor is v eloquent and I'm not ashamed to admit I'm not smart enough to keep up. However, all .gifs are RtR's own, so please don't oust us yet.

Hello! My name is Conor and I am excited to be here. I’m given to understand that mine will be the first cis male (brush up on your pronouns, son), straight voice to grace these eminent pages since Rob R’s trailblazing appearance last season. Rob is a good writer and a super funny dude. And really, everyone whose name appears on a byline here is both dexterous and droll with the words—I am sensible of following in illustrious footsteps. I shall endeavor not to disgrace myself.  

We’ll be talking today about the Men Tell All episode, the usually uninspiring intermezzo before next week’s finale that you put up with mostly because you are kind of addicted to this show. I thought, in fairness, that this one was pretty punchy. 

The episode opens with the sound of shouted production noises, a hype-man firing up the studio audience, and other fourth-wall-breaking things. A daring move by ABC, all of this formal innovation. Just real Brechtian stuff. 

We cut to the studio grounds as a mysterious Cadillac approaches. Who could it be? It’s Chad! He emerges from the car. He is still doing that whistling thing, like he’s a member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad on his way to kill Beatrix Kiddo. He has his own trailer because he does not play nice with others.

Someone thinks he's hot shit.

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison vaults to the stage to tell us that tonight will be “full of surprises and a whole lot more,” the second half of which is perplexingly vague, similar to appending BEYOND to a store that sells home supplies. Before we can proceed, however, we’re treated to a sneak peek of Bachelor in Paradise, a show that I have never watched, but which appears to be a real moiling cauldron of emotions, potent sexual energy, and the fervent desire to remain on television. 

Highlights from the BiP sneak include:

• Evan in bed with a real live woman (!).
• Lace and Vinny crying.
• Chad doing the following Chad things: saying “I brought so much protein;” manhandling a woman in a hot tub in a manner that is genuinely uncomfortable; appearing to criminally assault Evan; and telling Chris Harrison “you went to sleep last night with a mimosa and a robe on.” I have to admit, this last one jives exactly with my image of what CH’s life is like on the daily. Pretty funny. 
• Canadian Daniel with the Vegas twins. Both Daniel’s disposition and his nationality make him seem like an adolescent, so it’s good to see him living out the dream of teenage boys everywhere.
• Mom Amanda with some guy named Nick whose relationship with the franchise predates my own.
• Ditto Caila and someone named Jared. Want to take this opportunity to remind everyone of Caila’s dad’s orange-pants game, a gift for which we must never cease to be thankful. 
• Wells (rejoice, America) and some girl I did not recognize; Wells with some witty banter about the conception of babies at BiP (not a nurturing environment in which to start life’s amazing journey. Drink.)

Looking more forward to BiP than this finale.

The sneak peek ends with the promise of multiple proposals (nifty!) and the threat that some participants’ hearts will be forever crushed, which seems bleak but also pretty par for the course. Out of the peek we learn that much of the BiP cast is in the building. Jubilee is there! Juliet Litman will be so happy. Chris Harrison chats with them for a hot second and then it’s time to bring out the men who will tell all.  

Every guy who made it past episode three is here, plus James S (SO stoked to be there), Christian (why?), Brandon (good at gazing vacantly, may not be aware of his present location, definitely burns one down regularly), Jonathan (kilts), and Ali (more on him in a minute). Nice guy James Taylor and alleged next Bachelor Luke get huge applause. Alex receives hardly any because he is the worst. Chris tells the guys that Chad is here, and Wells instructs the audience not to applaud, establishing himself as the show’s Greek Chorus, a role at which he excels.

The audience keeps applauding, though.

We’re treated to a recap of the guys’ experience on the show, which is gratuitous but helps fill two hours. Coming out of it there’s a little bit of agro between Derek and Alex, but we all know this is just to get everyone’s juices flowing before Chad arrives. Saint Nick seems like he had three too many cocktails in the green room. Wells declares himself the Switzerland of the group, and offers some perspective on the military background that has shaped Alex’s aggressive behavior. Wells also uses the phrase “vanquished a Neanderthal,” so we've got that going for us. 

Chad is now going to be the subject for the duration of the show’s first hour. Evan starts us off strong by saying that "Chad is real like Donald Trump is real," depriving bloggers (and guest bloggers) everywhere of the opportunity to make comparisons and jokes they were sure THEY ALONE had thought of. Some resolve to make them anyway. 

Evan is like a lamer-looking David Tennant

Ali demonstrates the ability (rare enough, in this crowd) to hold more than one idea in his head at the same time. He suggests that while Chad’s behavior was fully unacceptable, the mob mentality of the other men was ultimately what led to the escalation of the situation. That’s true. A note here on my main man Ali: he was reasonable -- nay, wise -- all night and had a good sense of humor about everything. And from his season intro package, we know that he 1) reads books, 2) caresses the keys, 3) breaks the point (points the break?) and shreds the gnar, and 4) is in general doin’ his own damn thing with remarkable good cheer. Point is, he really should have stuck around longer. Would much rather have gotten to know him instead of, say, human badger and humdrum poet James F. You were gone from us too soon, Ali.

Wells says he doesn’t want to talk about Chad (sorry dude) and calls him Voldemort, reminding us all that Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them comes out this fall. The Comic Con trailer was v dope; excited for more thestrals, acromantula, and nifflers (we all ride for nifflers) in my life. 

Oliver Wood for Bachelor. #WoodForWood

Out of the break, security follows the stage directions they’ve been handed and inform Chris Harrison that cometh the hour, cometh the Chad. Apprehension reigns, and our only silver lining is that at least there was a tray of meats in his trailer, thank god. On his way to the stage he calls Alex a little manlet, which is an objectively funny word. Chad has a cordial enough exchange with CH, despite the fact that we’ve already seen that they have an altercation in Paradise.  

(Quick sidebar: the episode’s commitment to the obvious lie that Paradise has not already filmed—despite the many commercials and teasers with footage from the upcoming season—was extremely confunding. Made me feel like McLaggan at a Quidditch tryout.)

Chris asks Chad what went wrong. This is an unfair question because to answer it Chad would have to spend many hours speaking with a licensed therapist or the solitary confinement guard. The first flashpoint of the night occurs when Grant calls Chad out over something to do with his (Grant’s) ex. Chad calls Grant Daryl, which one suspects is probably somehow racist. Harrison is all, “back up, boys, nobody knows whatchall talkin' about,” and it emerges that Chad has been “hanging out” with the former baes of both Grant and Robby. He accuses G and R of having left these women to become contestants, and declares that he subsequently sought them out to prove that The Bachelorette harboured at least one good soul. Huh. How these women will feel about having multiple relationships dragged into the public arena, or about Chad demonstrating his probity to both of them simultaneously, remains unclear. 

^^Chad while the other contestants are speaking^^

At this point Saint Nick has had enough. He removes his jacket and challenges Chad to throw hands. A less than original move by now, but okay. Mostly, I feel like he missed a huge opportunity here. If he knew, if he even suspected, that he might offer to get physical, how is he NOT going to bust that Santa suit back out? I would watch drunk Santa Claus try to get belligerent with a fool for HOURS! 

Meanwhile, Daniel has jumped up to ask the big questions. He wonders why Americans always resort to violence, and encourages us all to be more Canadian. He has momentarily forgotten about hockey. This is less funny than it is poignant when you consider that we all have to move to Canada if a certain mephitic slime creature/vanity monster/Chad-of-politics is elected this fall. Everybody vote, plzthanx.  

The Chad circus continues. Chris asks the questions you would expect about Chad and Alex’s negative codependence, and about his alarming threat to hunt JoRo down. Derek’s pocket square is discussed. None of it is interesting until the subject swings round to the Great Evan/Chad Sex Comedy Skirmish of 2016. Chris has the video cued up, and when you take it down to slow-mo (technology!) it really does look like Evan kind of pushed him. The audience certainly thinks so. But they’re not having Chad’s “I almost fell really hard” justification for ripping Evan’s v-neck. That’s still roidy. There are no winners here. No update on whether Chad replaced the shirt yet either.

Evan’s version of the Chad throw down

The Chad portion of the night winds down. We’re grateful because he’s exhausting and terrible. Spokesman Wells admits that the group “Piggy’d” Chad (shoutout to your sixth grade summer reading list), but maintains that it was justified because Chad was an a-hole. Which, fine. Chad says something about pickles and apples, because every episode this season is contractually mandated to incorporate a folksy aphorism. Chris Harrison asks Chad about his mom but we’re not going to talk about that because it was an inappropriate question.

It’s time for Luke. Chris is feeling sassy and tells the audience to hush up because Luke isn’t really all that handsome up close. I don’t believe him and neither do you. We get a recap of Luke’s show experience that ends with his still-flabbergasting ouster after clearly winning hometowns. Members of the audience are crying. Undetermined whether it's from the tragedy of his dismissal or because they see in his sculpted perfection the hand of God at work. 

Luke crushes this interview. Hits it right out the park. He’s willing to accept and experience his pain if it means that JoJo is happy, which is how he knows he loves her. Great line. He tactically deploys a “learned to love again.” Somehow, ABC does not immediately shoehorn “The First Cut Is The Deepest” into the background. An egregious miss that likely cost some junior producer his career. Chris establishes that Luke is still single (wild approval from the audience), asks him where he goes from here, asks him whether he’s ready to love again. He is. I believe they call that foreshadowing in the biz. Luke next Bachelor confirmed. 

Now it’s Chase’s turn. The audience has JUST watched the Hindeberg that was his fantasy suite experience, so he gets lots of awwws. Interestingly, while his recap does give us another chance to raise our glasses from the living room to clink his airport shuttle rage-beer, it does not include his gatecrashing apology at the Rose Ceremony. I thought that was ultimately his strongest moment of the whole season. Classy, stand-up move. 

His interview is less than thrilling, because Chase is less than thrilling. Seems like a nice enough guy, but kind of a post-turtle far as the show goes (this is a real phrase, not a Chad phrase).[1] He too feels like JoJo taught him how to feel things and express himself. But he’s still confused about the fantasy-suite situation; Chris feels that Chase needs some closure on this one, and that’s JoJo’s cue. 

Chase is definitely the least pumped person in the room to see JoJo, who gets an otherwise rapturous reception. He looks, in fact, increasingly PISSED during her chitchat with Chris. Meanwhile, Luke is being all attractive and pensive for the people in the audience who just want to look at him. 

JoJo starts talking about Ben, a thing she does with such frequency that you feel she has been either paid or instructed to do so. Chase keeps looking pissed, and now James Taylor is looking salty too. We learn that JoJo had (allegedly) NEVER broken up with someone before the show. Going on The Bachelorette to learn how to do it seems like an overcorrection, but what do I know?

Chris brings the subject round to Luke. JoJo can't explain why she dropped him, because she knows she shouldn't have dropped him. Luke’s response to her nonresponse is very noble, and JoJo’s face takes on a look of blank regret. Whoever she picks next week is second-best to Luke, and she and he and America all know it. 

Then Chris tosses it to Chase, who wants a grumble-hug from her. She admits that her timing was frankly terrible and she feels guilty about it. Chase brings out the chivalrous charm again. At some point in all of this the camera cuts to Chad, who is once again eating meat out of his pocket like an effing lunatic. His suits have got to be lined with the same stuff Dexter uses in his murder-basement, right?  

So now Chase has closure and we can kick it to James, who is super kind and complimentary per usj. What a guy. He gets a crushing, friendzone-y response from JoJo, because life isn’t fair. Chad wants to say something. JoJo has been practicing her eye-roll for WEEKS in preparation for this moment. Chad insults both Robby and JoRo (something we can all sort of agree on), but gets jeers from the audience because he’s snide about it. A genius in the crowd yells “shame!” like he’s Septa Unella. Give that guy a medal. 

The floor’s now open to the rest of the boys. Drunk Nick says a meaningless drunk thing. Alex becomes the third man of the night to thank JoJo for teaching him how to open up with his feelings, which has become such a trope tonight that I start to wonder about it. Aristotle Papanikolaou (great name) thinks it probably has something to do with the emancipatory power of confession, which affects the landscape of the speaker’s desires and is determined in part by the identity of the listener or indeed their absence, but this is probably not the forum for that kind of thing. [2]

How the commissioners feel right now.

Anyways. We’re almost done. Vinny’s mom tosses her hat in the ring for the Moms of the Bachelor show you just know has been mooted in a studio office somewhere. As long as JoJo’s Veuve Clicquot-mainlining mater comes along for the ride, I’m down. Pretty amped for her to get involved next week. Vinny looks less than amped about having his mom there as an apparent chaperone, but at least his new lettuce is looking fresh. We learn that he was JoJo’s best friend in the house. Another blow for misbegotten James. 

Chris tosses it to the bloopers. Nothing remarkable there except that there appear to have been a lot of flying insects this season. With the exception of honey and bumblebees, flying insects can f right off. 

And then it's time for our last sneak peek of the night, this one for next week’s (THREE HOUR) finale. The whole family JoJo is along for the ride, so we’ll get some more of her aggressive brothers—they’d get along with Chad like a house aflame. There will be doubts about the readiness of both remaining men for marriage. There will be multiple make-outs on boats of differing descriptions.  There will be framed shots of anxious, silhouetted pacing. Jordan will probably win. A nation will turn their lonely eyes to Luke. And, somewhere near Katy, Texas, a gentle man will be strumming a mournful tune. So it goes. 

This has been fun. Before I pack up, I want to give another plug to “40s + Shorties,” the best little Bachelor(ette) podcast around. But to the hosts, if you’re reading, forget the Swedish Fish—your crunchy snack alternative is clearly vodka gummi bears, which are DELICIOUS and also get you DRUNK. How have you not thought of this??

Sincere thanks to the commissioners for allowing me to do this, and to you for reading. Pax.  

Hay's In The Barn,

Conor McCarthy
Guest Blogger

---

[1] A post-turtle is a folksy expression that designates someone who has ended up in a position in which they did not expect to find themselves, without having too much of an idea of how they got there.  Like a turtle on a roadside post. 

[2] You can find out more about it in “Liberating Eros: Confession and Desire,” Journal of the Society of Christian Ethics, 26.1, 2006, if you’re interested.  That’s an actual article I actually read in preparation for this blog. 

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JoJo Week Five: Stop Trying to Make Roses Happen, Gretchen

This week we are so excited to welcome our second guest blogger, Katie Carter! Katie went to Notre Dame with Elizabeth and Julie and now resides in South Bend. She is a self-professed Roses to Riches Superfan and came out of the woodwork in the least creepy/most awesome way possible. She eagerly answered our call for guest bloggers with an application that stood out from the pack beyond compare. Katie stroked our egos beautifully so give her your undivided attention (and some love in the comments). I'll let her take it from here.



Happy Tuesday, Bachelor Nation! I am so excited to guest blog for Roses to Riches and look forward to recapping the most dramatic (and longest) episode in Bachelorette history! Because tonight, there are two rose ceremonies, two countries and NINETY-TWO dates, all while the intentions of the suitee are questioned by the suitors. A spin we haven't since the glory days of Juan Pablo. Let's jump right in.

The episode begins with JoJo and the guys still in Nemacolin, Pennsylvania. In a town that sounds like a pissed off punctuation mark, we find Chad, whistling menacing tunes (is that the college football pump up song?) while hunting for the remaining men. Meanwhile, they are back at home base celebrating Chad's funeral, scattering his protein powder in remembrance. Wells leads this charge with a lovely eulogy and we can't help but enjoy a knee-slap giggle on this one. Clever, boys. Clever.

Following their service, the guys are shocked to see Chad at the door. *Side note: I love that the Canadian is eating cereal while the others drink. We never see that kind of realism on the Bachelor. Did Lauren B ever eat Captain Crunch at the mansion? She's definitely a Special K girl though. UGH.

They let Chad in and he does something he has yet to do on national television. He confronts the men, saying he feels attacked and had no choice but to get physical in defense. Jordan, as the one with the tallest hair, steps forward to shake Chad's hand and dismisses him because they are still here, in Nemacolin, Pennsylvania, and Chad is not. With this, Jordan proceeds to the kitchen "to enjoy the night." A real slap in the face to Chad because that's where all the meat is.

We completely forget about JoJo and Alex! ABC airs none of their date -- not a good sign for him. We do see them share a kiss, during which JoJo has to slouch a bit and remind herself a kitten heel is needed for future dates with Alex. He returns with the two-on-one rose he earned for all of America and the guys welcome him back with a frat party for the ages. We notice James Taylor (my favorite) is still wounded and continues to be forever endearing. NOT so endearing is the loss of 17 cupcakes to Alex's face. Boys just don't understand.

At this point I must add that my friend (a VERY FIRST TIME WATCHER) asks if the bla-exican-caucasian man (Grant) is supposed to account for all diversity -- to which the rest of us responded with a resounding YES.

After a tantalizing preview of Bachelor in Paradise (CAN'T WAIT), we are brought to the Woodlands Resort. It looks beautiful but not quite as beautiful as JoJo's dress. She says something we may have never heard before in Bachelor History, "Sending Chad home was one of the BEST decisions I have ever made." Not the hardest or the most difficult or gut-wrenching...the BEST. Bye forever, Chad.

Softie boxing club owner James F reads JoJo a poem that doesn't quite rhyme, making JoJo subtly blot a nonexistent tear. Nicholas Sparks actor Luke makes us swoon until he weaves into the "too cheesy" lane and Derek (my second personal favorite) has us yelling at the TV to put himself out there!!! Come on, Derek, you more handsome John Krasinski! Fight for me her!

It's too little too late for Derek tonight, Jordan gets handsyyy and grabs JoJo for a steamy makeout up against a wall...a wall RIGHT on the other side of the rest of the guys. They pan to the oblivious men and Evan's hair is more askew than JoJo's.

JoJo, feeling loosey-goosey and weak in the knees, leads the men to the Rose Ceremony. We say goodbye to poetic boxer James F (maybe The Apprentice is casting?) and the cereal-eating Canadian. Damn Daniel takes the news pretty hard, saying, "Obviously my body doesn't matter because she picked Evan and Wells. She's obviously going for personality, and obviously my personality is shit."

At least he's honest.

JoJo announces we are off to South America for the next stop on the journey. Waterfalls and Zika, here we come! Vinny, who originally thought he was trying out for Jersey Shore, Generation 2, is very excited to travel to South America with "a future wife of mine." Vinny has plans...lots of them.

The group lands in Uruguay and with Chad gone, the boys start plotting about who NOW is not here for the right reasons. There's always a Karen in every group. Jordan gets the first one-on-one. "Let's seal the date," reads the card. All of us at home feel clever for hoping they go on a date with seals while the boys are seething because Jordan gets more time with their girlfriend. James Taylor with his cute little scar and unintelligible speech still has us in a tizzy. I mentioned having a SEMI-fondness for Evan and was told I have a good heart by my friends. That's always nice to hear.

Jordan and JoJo lay together on a yacht with matching spray tans as JoJo gently grazes the outline of Jordan's hair with her finger, careful not to touch the gel. A collecting scream in the room because YES, there are seals on their date!

Back at the ranch, Vinny cuts the boys' hair while they read the producer-planted tabloids. Men...they're just like us! The guys are blindsided by the In Touch cover story leaked by JoJo's ex: The Original Chad. Not Murder Whistling Bear Chad...Pre-Ben Flower Sending Ex Chad. The article accuses JoJo of sneaking around with Chad during Ben's season and questions her intentions for being the Bachelorette. The boys are wounded beyond belief as they question HER reasons for being here. Come on guys, People Magazine or bust! Don't believe In Touch! <-- That would be a great picketing chant.

With Jordan and JoJo oblivious to the tabloid drama, they encounter their own hiccup when JoJo tells Jordan she happened to meet a girl who used to date Jordan, with the help of ABC. This makes him nervous as hell. Jordan explains football was his priority, causing him not to be the best boyfriend he could have been. He makes a smooth recovery by quoting his pastor and JoJo eats it right up. She gives him the rose.

In her interview, JoJo says she is so happy after her date and nothing can take away this feeling. NOTHING...except for this convenient second copy of In Touch that the producer happens to have on hand. Visibly confused, JoJo realizes the content of the article and freaks out a smidge. Our heart actually breaks for JoJo when the tears are flowing after admitting Ben was her truest form of love. I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel like she is not over him. We don't blame you, JoJo.

JoJo talks to the guys right away to reassure them of her intentions, lumping ex-Chad and Whistling Bear Chad into a group of No Good Chads, aka Every Chad of All Time. The guys accept her earnest apology and she regains their trust, just in time for the group date. All but Jordan and Robby go sand-boarding...a dangerous and uncomfortable looking jaunt in the desert. With their undies filled with sand, the boys clean up for their drinks and 60 seconds of one-on-one time. Meanwhile, Robby and Jordan bond over a spa day where they recreate my least favorite part of the Princess Diaries and EAT THE CUCUMBERS OFF THEIR EYES.

The group date cocktail party features Derek as the new object of Mini Alex's dislike. Derek admit to JoJo he is feeling insecure, having not had any time with her since their date. JoJo understands, and despite another sappy Luke soliloquy, JoJo gives Derek the group date rose for reassurance. This sends Alex into a frenzy and, tousled hair and all, calls Derek a little bitch for voicing his insecurities. His maturity matches his stature and we are not impressed.

The last date finally arrives and Robby and JoJo embark on an exploration of the streets of Uruguay to truly experience the culture. We don't see much of the culture and instead find Robby and JoJo on a cliff where Robby confesses to us, the loyal audience, that he is in love with JoJo. The first definite love confession goes to the man with the neon floral trunks! He's bold and we like it. Robby confesses he has been thinking of this moment for WEEKS and that one day (43 days from now to be exact) he will propose. They jump off the cliff together in a perfect ABC-crafted metaphor. JoJo and Robby proceed to dinner where he begins his I Love You speech, priming JoJo with a truly heartbreaking story about the death of his best friend and ending in a beautiful 10-point profession of L-O-V-E. JoJo gazes into Robby's eyes and says, "Thank you so much." There must be a book the Bachelor/Bachelorette must read before the season: "Top 10 Ways To Respond To I Love You When You Are Not Allowed/Do Not Want To Say It Back." Ben obviously did not read this required text. Anyway, Robby gets the rose and the date ends with all of the tummy butterflies.

Back at the house, Derek is under attack and feels like the boys are being cliquey. They have an uncomfortable cat fight in which Derek pulls aside a few good men (Jordan, Alex, Chase and Robby) to tell them he is not in favor of their Plastics antics, accusations they laugh off in true Regina George fashion. With no headway made, the guys prepare for a much-needed cocktail party.

NOT SO FAST! Chris Harrison enters with his somber, "The budget is running low and we need to conserve the alcohol" speech. The group proceeds to the elimination room, with the roses on a literal chopping block. Tonight THREE more guys will go home, making hearts race across Bachelor Nation. JoJo's dress deserves its own rose. Luke, Chase, Alex, James Taylor and Wells join Derek, Robby and Jordan for another week of adventures.

We say goodbye to Evan, Grant and Vinny. Evan is as devastated as his hair in the Uruguay humidity. Grant will be just fine -- a hunky firefighter never really loses. Vinny pulls at our heartstrings and cries his way into the Bach in Paradise cast (?!). Next week promises to bring the heat in Buenos Aires as we tango closer to what seems like an emotional and dramatic season finale.

Thank you for letting me join the Roses to Riches fun and fulfill a bucket list item:
✓ Participate in the Bachelor Franchise

Love and Roses,
Katie

We're finally back to normal scoring weeks!

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JoJo Week Three(cont.): Oh, PocoNO You Didn't!

Welcome back to the out-of-whack schedule that everyone hates but that we still tolerate because this show controls our lives. ABC has once again decided to monopolize my week with episodes on back-to-back nights. I had to cancel so many important, wild, social Tuesday night plans to watch this episode (JK I had to put down my cross stitch and stop petting my dog.)

What's so wrong with episode formulas?

We pick up where we left off, at the pool party. Everyone thinks that Chad is about to announce that he's leaving. PSYCHE, he's just explaining his poor behavior in a way that makes sense to absolutely no one except Chad.

Evan: "Chad, you owe me a new shirt and an apology."
Chad: "Counteroffer: I'll give you twenty bucks and punch you in the face."

During that whole conversation Evan was so incredulous but mostly just spastic. Wells jumps in with his tiny shorts and level headed opinions. Such an adorable voice of reason. I think it's very brave of him because if Wells spoke his mind and Chad didn't agree, Wells would be dead in appx .3 seconds.

Pool party! Everyone strip! And put on sunscreen! (Off camera, tho, because sunscreen is for nerds)

My kind of pool party

JoJo: "It's been a little stressful this week. Hopefully the pool party will take the edge off and not make the guys insane and jealous."
^famous last words

They do normal pool party activities like having chicken fights and sneakily checking out the only bikini-clad girl present. You know, the usj.

The guys do a cute little diving stunt for JoJo. Evan gets a nosebleed. Classic Evan.

JoJo is skeptical about Jordan. She thinks he may be too good to be true, and rightly so! YOU GO, GLEN JOJO. YOU ASK ALL THE QUESTIONS YOU NEED. But seriously, ask him some questions. Making out with Jordan will not get you any information whatsoever. If you're gonna marry the guy you're gonna need to talk to him.

Chad has his first verbal altercation of MANY during this episode. This one's with Derek. Derek holds his own like a damn man during this confrontation. My ovaries are exploding right now. Derek I love you but your lapels need some work.

We finally get a rose ceremony. She chooses all the predictables and then Chad, yes Chad, the psychotic altercation-point-MVP gets the final rose of the night. That is a producer planted rose if I've ever seen one. We get at least one more week of his antics, which is good for the league but makes NO SENSE for JoJo. Ali, Christian and Nick B go home. Not at all surprised, but def disappointed.

Killin' me.

League rules reminder: All rose ceremony points went under "Week 3." Moving forward through the next rose ceremony, whenever that may be, will be "Week 4." This means your Week 3 points changed from yesterday.

The crew travels to exotic Pennsylvania for their first destination of the year. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Pocono Mountains and Amish people, but I have a sneaking suspicion from all the hotel name drops that JoJo didn't pick this locale.

Luke gets first one-on-one. They wander through the forest and arrive at....wait for it... the First Hot Tub of the season! It's a wood fire hot tub which requires Luke to chop some wood first. By design, this activity gets his muscles all toned and bulging for his shirtlessness. He picks her up like no man has ever been able to pick me up and daintily places her in the scalding water.

These two might be LOVAHS afterall.

Side note, Luke wins an award for most un-photogenic. His contestant photo looked hella crooked, but in all of these film shots his face is of a normal layout. Seriously, did he have pink eye when they took that? In any case, I now have him on my short list of front runners.

AM I WRONG?

Luke gets all personal and does the whole "open up" thing. He shows some depth, tells a heartbreaking story and makes me and JoJo swoon. He's got this broody country boy thing going on and we're all diggin' it. Luke gets a rose.

JoJo takes Luke go to a Ben and Jay Jan and Ray Dan and Shay concert where EVERY SINGLE ATTENDEE has their phone up. I couldn't pay attention to anything else that was going on because I was having flashbacks of all concerts I've had to watch though the phone of Suzie Social Media standing in front of me. Put your phone down and let love happen!

The group date is at Heinz Field (that's a football stadium, for you non-ESPNers). Jordan is foaming at the mouth hoping for another tryout. The guys start to get a little violent and sweetheart James Taylor gets his face smashed so hard that he needs stitches. He's looking a hot mess and does his best to stick it out. Note to the producers, we love these Medical Attention points. Next season you should try rugby or UFC.

While the rest of the guys are on the date, Chad, Alex and Luke are hanging out, yelling at each other at the hotel. Casual vacation activities for most families. Alex keeps poking the Chad-shaped bear with very passive aggressive questions.

Back in Football Land the guys play a game of touch football featuring Jordan as the all-time peacock quarterback. These guys are straight up terrible. Did JoJo list "bad at sports" as one of her preferences in men? Magically, the all-injured team wins so Evan, Jordan, James T, Robby and Derek get to spend more time with JoJo tonight.

Evan continues to show his Dorky Dad colors. He seems to have a permanent bloody nose. I thought Evan was going home on the first night, so I'm flabbergasted he's made it this far.

On the date, my team cash cow, Jordan, gets Falling for You points! Reminder: these points go to the first man to tell JoJo that he is "falling in love with her" or "falling for her." Naturally, this earns him the date MVP rose! He's single handedly carrying my team like he carried the football date.

The next day, prior to our two-on-one date, Chad chooses Jordan to take out his nervous anger on. Jordan makes one sass-tastic comment and Chad flips his Mr. Hyde switch and starts threatening to hunt Jordan down Taken-style after this Journey is complete. I can't even laugh at this anymore because Chad very clearly needs some professional help.

Now that Chad's in such a great mood, he gets to go on a two-on-one date with his BFFL Alex. Slight upside: both guys earn First Helicopter points!

The date is a hike in the woods and the tension could be cut with a pocket knife. I'm hiding under a blanket due to the third party awkwardness. Chad and Alex want to murder each other, and you can tell both are looking around at all the potential weapons in the woods around them.

Alex warns JoJo that she's dating a psychopath. She's all "are you sure he's not a sociopath?" Immediately following her chat with Alex, she straight up tells Chad about the Alex shit-talking. She's pretty much feeding Alex to a rabid bear. Chad's eyes go black and I think his head spun around once. JoJo is acting surprised as if all Chads aren't like this.

Chad's vampire/killer transition ^
Side note, I've been looking for an excuse to use a Buffy gif for YEARS. Thanks, Chad.

JoJo gives the default rose to Alex, shocking no one. Chad is left wandering the forest in the night, Deliverance-style. He wanders all the way back to the contestant lodge where...the episode cuts.

We have to wait two weeks for the next episode because ABC has no respect for my emotional stability.

Huge points week, y'all. Anyone with Chad/Evan/Alex scored BIG on altercation points. I refuse to draft Chads on principle and Evan reminded me of Larry the Lesbian, so needless to say, Julie's Juiceheads are starting their decline.

Love and Roses,
Julie

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