What's so wrong with episode formulas? |
Evan: "Chad, you owe me a new shirt and an apology."
Chad: "Counteroffer: I'll give you twenty bucks and punch you in the face."
During that whole conversation Evan was so incredulous but mostly just spastic. Wells jumps in with his tiny shorts and level headed opinions. Such an adorable voice of reason. I think it's very brave of him because if Wells spoke his mind and Chad didn't agree, Wells would be dead in appx .3 seconds.
Pool party! Everyone strip! And put on sunscreen! (Off camera, tho, because sunscreen is for nerds)
My kind of pool party |
^famous last words
They do normal pool party activities like having chicken fights and sneakily checking out the only bikini-clad girl present. You know, the usj.
The guys do a cute little diving stunt for JoJo. Evan gets a nosebleed. Classic Evan.
JoJo is skeptical about Jordan. She thinks he may be too good to be true, and rightly so! YOU GO, GLEN JOJO. YOU ASK ALL THE QUESTIONS YOU NEED. But seriously, ask him some questions. Making out with Jordan will not get you any information whatsoever. If you're gonna marry the guy you're gonna need to talk to him.
Chad has his first verbal altercation of MANY during this episode. This one's with Derek. Derek holds his own like a damn man during this confrontation. My ovaries are exploding right now. Derek I love you but your lapels need some work.
We finally get a rose ceremony. She chooses all the predictables and then Chad, yes Chad, the psychotic altercation-point-MVP gets the final rose of the night. That is a producer planted rose if I've ever seen one. We get at least one more week of his antics, which is good for the league but makes NO SENSE for JoJo. Ali, Christian and Nick B go home. Not at all surprised, but def disappointed.
Killin' me. |
The crew travels to exotic Pennsylvania for their first destination of the year. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Pocono Mountains and Amish people, but I have a sneaking suspicion from all the hotel name drops that JoJo didn't pick this locale.
Luke gets first one-on-one. They wander through the forest and arrive at....wait for it... the First Hot Tub of the season! It's a wood fire hot tub which requires Luke to chop some wood first. By design, this activity gets his muscles all toned and bulging for his shirtlessness. He picks her up like no man has ever been able to pick me up and daintily places her in the scalding water.
These two might be LOVAHS afterall. |
AM I WRONG? |
JoJo takes Luke go to a
The group date is at Heinz Field (that's a football stadium, for you non-ESPNers). Jordan is foaming at the mouth hoping for another tryout. The guys start to get a little violent and sweetheart James Taylor gets his face smashed so hard that he needs stitches. He's looking a hot mess and does his best to stick it out. Note to the producers, we love these Medical Attention points. Next season you should try rugby or UFC.
Back in Football Land the guys play a game of touch football featuring Jordan as the all-time
On the date, my team cash cow, Jordan, gets Falling for You points! Reminder: these points go to the first man to tell JoJo that he is "falling in love with her" or "falling for her." Naturally, this earns him the date MVP rose! He's single handedly carrying my team like he carried the football date.
The next day, prior to our two-on-one date, Chad chooses Jordan to take out his nervous anger on. Jordan makes one sass-tastic comment and Chad flips his Mr. Hyde switch and starts threatening to hunt Jordan down Taken-style after this Journey is complete. I can't even laugh at this anymore because Chad very clearly needs some professional help.
Now that Chad's in such a great mood, he gets to go on a two-on-one date with his BFFL Alex. Slight upside: both guys earn First Helicopter points!
The date is a hike in the woods and the tension could be cut with a pocket knife. I'm hiding under a blanket due to the third party awkwardness. Chad and Alex want to murder each other, and you can tell both are looking around at all the potential weapons in the woods around them.
Alex warns JoJo that she's dating a psychopath. She's all "are you sure he's not a sociopath?" Immediately following her chat with Alex, she straight up tells Chad about the Alex shit-talking. She's pretty much feeding Alex to a rabid bear. Chad's eyes go black and I think his head spun around once. JoJo is acting surprised as if all Chads aren't like this.
Chad's vampire/killer transition ^ Side note, I've been looking for an excuse to use a Buffy gif for YEARS. Thanks, Chad. |
We have to wait two weeks for the next episode because ABC has no respect for my emotional stability.
Huge points week, y'all. Anyone with Chad/Evan/Alex scored BIG on altercation points. I refuse to draft Chads on principle and Evan reminded me of Larry the Lesbian, so needless to say, Julie's Juiceheads are starting their decline.
Love and Roses,
Julie
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