Rachel Week Five & Six: He's Reptileean. He's a Leezard

I'll do my best to keep it brief because ABC has stolen too much time from us already. This two-night-event business is hard on those of us with jobs and social lives, which I have a feeling is not the majority of the fanbase. Thus, we're combining the two eps into one post. Please refer any questions/concerns to your favorite commissioner.

We start Monday night back in Week Four, in the middle of the Hilton Head group date, and Kenny and Lee are back in the middle of their little quarrel. Kenny does his best to stay as calm as possible and it's kind of impressive considering Lee is truly being a piece of shit. Nothing about his personality is attractive.

Will's commentary on the fight discussion is lovely. He's sitting inside evaluating the intensity of Kenny and Lee's pointing. Ultimately, nothing really comes of it all and Bryan gets the group date rose.

Next up is a one-on-one with Jack Stone. Is it possible his teeth got MORE white? He's seriously rocking some #ffffff (heh, nerd joke.)

Real footage of Jack, filmed 1 year ago.

The date is awkward from the start. We've seen this same situation before. He thinks he's killin' it while she's just not that into him. I usually hate the word "chemistry" in this context, but there is about as much chemistry as I demonstrated on the AP Chem test: 0/5.

At "dinner" Jack starts gushing about how into Rachel he is, but he's getting ZERO reciprocation. How do guys not notice when a girl is just NOT feeling it? She's nodding and like half-smiling, but he keeeeeeeps talking and staring at her like he's going to harvest her organs. Jack does not get the date rose and is unceremoniously eliminated.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch hotel, Will finally points out the racist elephant on the set and explains to Lee how offensive calling black men "aggressive" can be. Lee feigns ignorance and continues to be a d-bag. He accuses Kenny of using "the race card" which makes my white skin tingle with shame. Maybe he thinks being the villain will give him Chad-like fame post-show, but Lee's gone too far and no one is going to be interested in the racist southerner who pretended to like a black girl to get on TV. 

Rachel cancels the cocktail party and dives straight into the Rose Ceremony. Her dress is fabulous, so it's a little sad she's wasting it on a short night. That said, I appreciate her efforts to move things along.

The look on her face throughout the entire ceremony is "I'm over this shit." I don't blame her, especially knowing from the previews that the producers are making her keep Lee. Iggy and Tickle Monster get the boot.

Get a real job, Jonathan.

Iggy gives us some exit tears and makes his way to the limo. Tickle Monster gives Rachel one final tickle. So. Gross.

Points at the end of Week Four, for those keeping score at home.

ON TO WEEK 5

Our cast travels from South Carolina to Norway. Although, I highly doubt there's a direct flight from Hilton Head to Oslo. The layovers must have sucked.

I assume Will forgot his razor, because he's grown a Week Five 'stache. Will it help or hurt? 

First international one-on-one is with Bryan. They wander around Oslo then go up a former Olympic ski jump only to rappel down. He kisses her mid-rappel like A PRO. He's smooth, confident, and as Rachel puts it, too good to be true.

Maybe Bryan has a tail or something.

During "dinner" Bryan makes a bold, high-points move by telling Rachel he's "falling in love" with her. My prediction: this guy makes Top 2 but doesn't win. Calling it now.

The next group date is handball, which I know is crazy popular in Norway because our high school Norwegian exchange student told me so. 

Josiah wins joke of the night with a Donald Trump tiny hands dig. He went up a few points in my book, but it's too bad the comment didn't earn any points.

This joke will never die, and I'm ok with that.

Peter spends the whole game getting handsy (his joke, not mine) and flirting with Rachel. PSA FUTURE CONTESTANTS: This is what you're supposed to do on the athletic dates! It's not about winning or even playing; it's about showing you're not an asshole or distracted in competitive environments.

Somewhere in there we cut back to Kenny in the hotel Facetiming with his adorable daughter. He starts crying and it almost makes my dark soul feel emotion. Almost. You can tell he's a good dad.

Back on the date, each guy is doing well and being charming...until Josiah. He tries to be a smooth talker but Rachel sees right through it. It's like he's reading off a script and she astutely points out that he never asks about her. REDDEST OF FLAGS. Hope he has his bags packed.

We all know this type of fuckboy.

Peter lucks out with some hot tub time and the two of them look pretty darn smitten with one another. Rachel then gives the group rose to Will, which pulls the rug out from under Peter. She's keeping him on his toes.

Next, our long-awaited two-on-one provides both Lee and Kenny with First Helicopter Ride points.

Can they rename these dates to something like Enemy Battle or Face Off? Because it's always the two contestants that hate each other the most.

There's a bunch of whining. Kenny continues to accurately call Lee a snake, so ABC tosses in some extra b-roll of a snake from some other season, because there's no way they happened to come up on that snake in Norway. Probably leftover from that Badlands trip a few years back.

Hurry up and slither out of this show, Lee.

Lee is like textbook Bach franchise villain. He's giving zero attention to his relationship with Rachel and is 100% focused on shit talking Kenny.

BREAK FOR A 22 HOUR RECESS

On Tuesday, more bickering and he-said, he-said. Lee straight up lies a few times. Kenny loses his cool and probably makes the record for most censored words in a single scene.

All in all, Rachel dumps Lee and doesn't immediately give Kenny a rose, but does ask him to spend the evening with her. They're almost out of there, but Kenny just has to go back and yell at Lee some more, which Rachel is not at all fond of. Dude, just let. it. go.

My favorite moment of two-on-ones: the removal of Lee's luggage.

Finally.

Later on that night Kenny gets a rose. She's super direct and calls him out on how he annoyed her earlier, but I guess she's still optimistic.

Kenny again calls his daughter and again cries on the phone. It's so precious and makes me sad for when Rachel eventually dumps him.

Rose ceremony is 25 minutes into the ep, which makes me optimistic that we'll get back on formula track with another rose ceremony tonight. No cocktail party again (thanks, girl!).

Josiah's ego is out of control, which makes it extra satisfying when he gets the boot along with Anthony. Neither provides any exit tears, but Josiah does spend a minute too long ranting and calling Alex a KGB agent. Let's move on, shall we?

Maybe this rejection will be good for Josiah.

Anyone with Kenny and/or Lee really raked in the points tonight. Sorry for the rest of us.

Point totals for Week Five of filming The Journey

Week Six takes us to Denmark. Eric gets the first one-on-one and starts strong. They spend a lot of time laughing, which is refreshing.

I'm quite bothered by their constant use of "copen" as a verb for the sake of the Copenhagen pun. Is it supposed to be "coping"? Because that doesn't work in this context. You don't cope to love. Is this some new-fangled slang the kids are saying these days?

*UPDATE: After publishing, several people pointed out that "copen" was a pun on "open" and I'm just super dense.

Apparently, downtown Copenhagen has hot tubs with naked Danish men in them. Eric earns some Hot Tub Points and continues to charm Rachel.

The only hot tub I want to be in.

During "dinner" Eric calls out his mom for not loving him enough. Yikes--hometowns could get awkward.

Eric gets a rose.

Group date is Viking themed and the guys are so into it, especially with the costumes. Alex feels like he's totally in his element. I've written this before, but being OK with costumes is a boyfriend requirement of mine. Not in a gross sex way, but in a "don't be a buzz kill at the costume party" kind of way.

The Viking fighting instructors are goofy and intriguing. Can they stick around, Jorge-in-Paradise style??

The group plays some violent games that culminate in Adam and Kenny battling it out with swords and shields. It gets a little too violent and both guys require medical attention for cuts to the face. Yes, this is the Kenny-bleeding scene ABC tried to fake us out with in previews. The cut was from a friendly fight with Adam, and not a snake bite from Lee. *Cue some strong eyerolls*

Kenny wins the Viking games

Post-fight Kenny starts getting in his head and second guessing his relationship with Rachel. He basically says "cut me, unless you're sure you're going to pick me in the end" so she lets him go. It was a sweet and mutual goodbye. He chose his daughter over Rachel and Rachel appreciates that.

"If my daughter grows up to be like Rachel, I'll know I've done my job." Guys, I might cry.

Stop making me feel things.

Peter gets the group date rose because Peter is end game.

Will goes on the final one-on-one of the week. We're almost there, guys. Bear with me a few more paragraphs.

They hop the border over to Sweden for another passport stamp. They happen upon a planted unsuspecting Swedish couple who gives them advice in broken English. Will's pretty adorable, but something is missing. There are some awkward silences and Will is not the most assertive with the affection. Performance anxiety, maybe? Or maybe he's just choking because his pullover is zipped all the way up to his chin.

Last chance, Will.

At "dinner" he tells her that he has mostly dated white girls, which is his second set of Race Relations points for the week. He also says he's super physical in relationships, which confuses Rachel because he wasn't at all physical with her. Will is Unceremoniously Eliminated due to lack of passion.

We skip another cocktail party (praise Chris Harrison) and get back to the show formula with a rose ceremony closing out the night. Rachel is wearing a gorgeous gown, as always.

For some reason I cannot fathom, she cuts hot Russian Alex and keeps Matt (who even is that?) and Adam (have they ever spoken?) I would have kept him for fantasy suites purposes alone.

Someone give Alex my number.

AND THAT'S ALL, FOLKS. We've made it out the other side of this two-night time suck. Check your points. Many teams are now out of contestants, so check and see if someone won the wine in your pool (cough, Maddie G, cough.)

Week Six totals

Love, Exhaustion and Roses
Julie