JoJo's Season: Men Tell All

ABC is really giving us (and our livers) a run for our money this season, gang. Another week with doubled up episodes. Luckily, we've got Conor McCarthy here -- a man to tell all about the Men Tell All. This will be our third and final guest post for the season because Julie and I are taking the finale recap for ourselves, thank you. Before you continue, you might want to load up dictionary.com in a separate browser tab. And have your scrolling fingers ready (there are actual term paper footnotes!). Conor is v eloquent and I'm not ashamed to admit I'm not smart enough to keep up. However, all .gifs are RtR's own, so please don't oust us yet.

Hello! My name is Conor and I am excited to be here. I’m given to understand that mine will be the first cis male (brush up on your pronouns, son), straight voice to grace these eminent pages since Rob R’s trailblazing appearance last season. Rob is a good writer and a super funny dude. And really, everyone whose name appears on a byline here is both dexterous and droll with the words—I am sensible of following in illustrious footsteps. I shall endeavor not to disgrace myself.  

We’ll be talking today about the Men Tell All episode, the usually uninspiring intermezzo before next week’s finale that you put up with mostly because you are kind of addicted to this show. I thought, in fairness, that this one was pretty punchy. 

The episode opens with the sound of shouted production noises, a hype-man firing up the studio audience, and other fourth-wall-breaking things. A daring move by ABC, all of this formal innovation. Just real Brechtian stuff. 

We cut to the studio grounds as a mysterious Cadillac approaches. Who could it be? It’s Chad! He emerges from the car. He is still doing that whistling thing, like he’s a member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad on his way to kill Beatrix Kiddo. He has his own trailer because he does not play nice with others.

Someone thinks he's hot shit.

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison vaults to the stage to tell us that tonight will be “full of surprises and a whole lot more,” the second half of which is perplexingly vague, similar to appending BEYOND to a store that sells home supplies. Before we can proceed, however, we’re treated to a sneak peek of Bachelor in Paradise, a show that I have never watched, but which appears to be a real moiling cauldron of emotions, potent sexual energy, and the fervent desire to remain on television. 

Highlights from the BiP sneak include:

• Evan in bed with a real live woman (!).
• Lace and Vinny crying.
• Chad doing the following Chad things: saying “I brought so much protein;” manhandling a woman in a hot tub in a manner that is genuinely uncomfortable; appearing to criminally assault Evan; and telling Chris Harrison “you went to sleep last night with a mimosa and a robe on.” I have to admit, this last one jives exactly with my image of what CH’s life is like on the daily. Pretty funny. 
• Canadian Daniel with the Vegas twins. Both Daniel’s disposition and his nationality make him seem like an adolescent, so it’s good to see him living out the dream of teenage boys everywhere.
• Mom Amanda with some guy named Nick whose relationship with the franchise predates my own.
• Ditto Caila and someone named Jared. Want to take this opportunity to remind everyone of Caila’s dad’s orange-pants game, a gift for which we must never cease to be thankful. 
• Wells (rejoice, America) and some girl I did not recognize; Wells with some witty banter about the conception of babies at BiP (not a nurturing environment in which to start life’s amazing journey. Drink.)

Looking more forward to BiP than this finale.

The sneak peek ends with the promise of multiple proposals (nifty!) and the threat that some participants’ hearts will be forever crushed, which seems bleak but also pretty par for the course. Out of the peek we learn that much of the BiP cast is in the building. Jubilee is there! Juliet Litman will be so happy. Chris Harrison chats with them for a hot second and then it’s time to bring out the men who will tell all.  

Every guy who made it past episode three is here, plus James S (SO stoked to be there), Christian (why?), Brandon (good at gazing vacantly, may not be aware of his present location, definitely burns one down regularly), Jonathan (kilts), and Ali (more on him in a minute). Nice guy James Taylor and alleged next Bachelor Luke get huge applause. Alex receives hardly any because he is the worst. Chris tells the guys that Chad is here, and Wells instructs the audience not to applaud, establishing himself as the show’s Greek Chorus, a role at which he excels.

The audience keeps applauding, though.

We’re treated to a recap of the guys’ experience on the show, which is gratuitous but helps fill two hours. Coming out of it there’s a little bit of agro between Derek and Alex, but we all know this is just to get everyone’s juices flowing before Chad arrives. Saint Nick seems like he had three too many cocktails in the green room. Wells declares himself the Switzerland of the group, and offers some perspective on the military background that has shaped Alex’s aggressive behavior. Wells also uses the phrase “vanquished a Neanderthal,” so we've got that going for us. 

Chad is now going to be the subject for the duration of the show’s first hour. Evan starts us off strong by saying that "Chad is real like Donald Trump is real," depriving bloggers (and guest bloggers) everywhere of the opportunity to make comparisons and jokes they were sure THEY ALONE had thought of. Some resolve to make them anyway. 

Evan is like a lamer-looking David Tennant

Ali demonstrates the ability (rare enough, in this crowd) to hold more than one idea in his head at the same time. He suggests that while Chad’s behavior was fully unacceptable, the mob mentality of the other men was ultimately what led to the escalation of the situation. That’s true. A note here on my main man Ali: he was reasonable -- nay, wise -- all night and had a good sense of humor about everything. And from his season intro package, we know that he 1) reads books, 2) caresses the keys, 3) breaks the point (points the break?) and shreds the gnar, and 4) is in general doin’ his own damn thing with remarkable good cheer. Point is, he really should have stuck around longer. Would much rather have gotten to know him instead of, say, human badger and humdrum poet James F. You were gone from us too soon, Ali.

Wells says he doesn’t want to talk about Chad (sorry dude) and calls him Voldemort, reminding us all that Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them comes out this fall. The Comic Con trailer was v dope; excited for more thestrals, acromantula, and nifflers (we all ride for nifflers) in my life. 

Oliver Wood for Bachelor. #WoodForWood

Out of the break, security follows the stage directions they’ve been handed and inform Chris Harrison that cometh the hour, cometh the Chad. Apprehension reigns, and our only silver lining is that at least there was a tray of meats in his trailer, thank god. On his way to the stage he calls Alex a little manlet, which is an objectively funny word. Chad has a cordial enough exchange with CH, despite the fact that we’ve already seen that they have an altercation in Paradise.  

(Quick sidebar: the episode’s commitment to the obvious lie that Paradise has not already filmed—despite the many commercials and teasers with footage from the upcoming season—was extremely confunding. Made me feel like McLaggan at a Quidditch tryout.)

Chris asks Chad what went wrong. This is an unfair question because to answer it Chad would have to spend many hours speaking with a licensed therapist or the solitary confinement guard. The first flashpoint of the night occurs when Grant calls Chad out over something to do with his (Grant’s) ex. Chad calls Grant Daryl, which one suspects is probably somehow racist. Harrison is all, “back up, boys, nobody knows whatchall talkin' about,” and it emerges that Chad has been “hanging out” with the former baes of both Grant and Robby. He accuses G and R of having left these women to become contestants, and declares that he subsequently sought them out to prove that The Bachelorette harboured at least one good soul. Huh. How these women will feel about having multiple relationships dragged into the public arena, or about Chad demonstrating his probity to both of them simultaneously, remains unclear. 

^^Chad while the other contestants are speaking^^

At this point Saint Nick has had enough. He removes his jacket and challenges Chad to throw hands. A less than original move by now, but okay. Mostly, I feel like he missed a huge opportunity here. If he knew, if he even suspected, that he might offer to get physical, how is he NOT going to bust that Santa suit back out? I would watch drunk Santa Claus try to get belligerent with a fool for HOURS! 

Meanwhile, Daniel has jumped up to ask the big questions. He wonders why Americans always resort to violence, and encourages us all to be more Canadian. He has momentarily forgotten about hockey. This is less funny than it is poignant when you consider that we all have to move to Canada if a certain mephitic slime creature/vanity monster/Chad-of-politics is elected this fall. Everybody vote, plzthanx.  

The Chad circus continues. Chris asks the questions you would expect about Chad and Alex’s negative codependence, and about his alarming threat to hunt JoRo down. Derek’s pocket square is discussed. None of it is interesting until the subject swings round to the Great Evan/Chad Sex Comedy Skirmish of 2016. Chris has the video cued up, and when you take it down to slow-mo (technology!) it really does look like Evan kind of pushed him. The audience certainly thinks so. But they’re not having Chad’s “I almost fell really hard” justification for ripping Evan’s v-neck. That’s still roidy. There are no winners here. No update on whether Chad replaced the shirt yet either.

Evan’s version of the Chad throw down

The Chad portion of the night winds down. We’re grateful because he’s exhausting and terrible. Spokesman Wells admits that the group “Piggy’d” Chad (shoutout to your sixth grade summer reading list), but maintains that it was justified because Chad was an a-hole. Which, fine. Chad says something about pickles and apples, because every episode this season is contractually mandated to incorporate a folksy aphorism. Chris Harrison asks Chad about his mom but we’re not going to talk about that because it was an inappropriate question.

It’s time for Luke. Chris is feeling sassy and tells the audience to hush up because Luke isn’t really all that handsome up close. I don’t believe him and neither do you. We get a recap of Luke’s show experience that ends with his still-flabbergasting ouster after clearly winning hometowns. Members of the audience are crying. Undetermined whether it's from the tragedy of his dismissal or because they see in his sculpted perfection the hand of God at work. 

Luke crushes this interview. Hits it right out the park. He’s willing to accept and experience his pain if it means that JoJo is happy, which is how he knows he loves her. Great line. He tactically deploys a “learned to love again.” Somehow, ABC does not immediately shoehorn “The First Cut Is The Deepest” into the background. An egregious miss that likely cost some junior producer his career. Chris establishes that Luke is still single (wild approval from the audience), asks him where he goes from here, asks him whether he’s ready to love again. He is. I believe they call that foreshadowing in the biz. Luke next Bachelor confirmed. 

Now it’s Chase’s turn. The audience has JUST watched the Hindeberg that was his fantasy suite experience, so he gets lots of awwws. Interestingly, while his recap does give us another chance to raise our glasses from the living room to clink his airport shuttle rage-beer, it does not include his gatecrashing apology at the Rose Ceremony. I thought that was ultimately his strongest moment of the whole season. Classy, stand-up move. 

His interview is less than thrilling, because Chase is less than thrilling. Seems like a nice enough guy, but kind of a post-turtle far as the show goes (this is a real phrase, not a Chad phrase).[1] He too feels like JoJo taught him how to feel things and express himself. But he’s still confused about the fantasy-suite situation; Chris feels that Chase needs some closure on this one, and that’s JoJo’s cue. 

Chase is definitely the least pumped person in the room to see JoJo, who gets an otherwise rapturous reception. He looks, in fact, increasingly PISSED during her chitchat with Chris. Meanwhile, Luke is being all attractive and pensive for the people in the audience who just want to look at him. 

JoJo starts talking about Ben, a thing she does with such frequency that you feel she has been either paid or instructed to do so. Chase keeps looking pissed, and now James Taylor is looking salty too. We learn that JoJo had (allegedly) NEVER broken up with someone before the show. Going on The Bachelorette to learn how to do it seems like an overcorrection, but what do I know?

Chris brings the subject round to Luke. JoJo can't explain why she dropped him, because she knows she shouldn't have dropped him. Luke’s response to her nonresponse is very noble, and JoJo’s face takes on a look of blank regret. Whoever she picks next week is second-best to Luke, and she and he and America all know it. 

Then Chris tosses it to Chase, who wants a grumble-hug from her. She admits that her timing was frankly terrible and she feels guilty about it. Chase brings out the chivalrous charm again. At some point in all of this the camera cuts to Chad, who is once again eating meat out of his pocket like an effing lunatic. His suits have got to be lined with the same stuff Dexter uses in his murder-basement, right?  

So now Chase has closure and we can kick it to James, who is super kind and complimentary per usj. What a guy. He gets a crushing, friendzone-y response from JoJo, because life isn’t fair. Chad wants to say something. JoJo has been practicing her eye-roll for WEEKS in preparation for this moment. Chad insults both Robby and JoRo (something we can all sort of agree on), but gets jeers from the audience because he’s snide about it. A genius in the crowd yells “shame!” like he’s Septa Unella. Give that guy a medal. 

The floor’s now open to the rest of the boys. Drunk Nick says a meaningless drunk thing. Alex becomes the third man of the night to thank JoJo for teaching him how to open up with his feelings, which has become such a trope tonight that I start to wonder about it. Aristotle Papanikolaou (great name) thinks it probably has something to do with the emancipatory power of confession, which affects the landscape of the speaker’s desires and is determined in part by the identity of the listener or indeed their absence, but this is probably not the forum for that kind of thing. [2]

How the commissioners feel right now.

Anyways. We’re almost done. Vinny’s mom tosses her hat in the ring for the Moms of the Bachelor show you just know has been mooted in a studio office somewhere. As long as JoJo’s Veuve Clicquot-mainlining mater comes along for the ride, I’m down. Pretty amped for her to get involved next week. Vinny looks less than amped about having his mom there as an apparent chaperone, but at least his new lettuce is looking fresh. We learn that he was JoJo’s best friend in the house. Another blow for misbegotten James. 

Chris tosses it to the bloopers. Nothing remarkable there except that there appear to have been a lot of flying insects this season. With the exception of honey and bumblebees, flying insects can f right off. 

And then it's time for our last sneak peek of the night, this one for next week’s (THREE HOUR) finale. The whole family JoJo is along for the ride, so we’ll get some more of her aggressive brothers—they’d get along with Chad like a house aflame. There will be doubts about the readiness of both remaining men for marriage. There will be multiple make-outs on boats of differing descriptions.  There will be framed shots of anxious, silhouetted pacing. Jordan will probably win. A nation will turn their lonely eyes to Luke. And, somewhere near Katy, Texas, a gentle man will be strumming a mournful tune. So it goes. 

This has been fun. Before I pack up, I want to give another plug to “40s + Shorties,” the best little Bachelor(ette) podcast around. But to the hosts, if you’re reading, forget the Swedish Fish—your crunchy snack alternative is clearly vodka gummi bears, which are DELICIOUS and also get you DRUNK. How have you not thought of this??

Sincere thanks to the commissioners for allowing me to do this, and to you for reading. Pax.  

Hay's In The Barn,

Conor McCarthy
Guest Blogger

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[1] A post-turtle is a folksy expression that designates someone who has ended up in a position in which they did not expect to find themselves, without having too much of an idea of how they got there.  Like a turtle on a roadside post. 

[2] You can find out more about it in “Liberating Eros: Confession and Desire,” Journal of the Society of Christian Ethics, 26.1, 2006, if you’re interested.  That’s an actual article I actually read in preparation for this blog. 

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JoJo Week Three(cont.): Oh, PocoNO You Didn't!

Welcome back to the out-of-whack schedule that everyone hates but that we still tolerate because this show controls our lives. ABC has once again decided to monopolize my week with episodes on back-to-back nights. I had to cancel so many important, wild, social Tuesday night plans to watch this episode (JK I had to put down my cross stitch and stop petting my dog.)

What's so wrong with episode formulas?

We pick up where we left off, at the pool party. Everyone thinks that Chad is about to announce that he's leaving. PSYCHE, he's just explaining his poor behavior in a way that makes sense to absolutely no one except Chad.

Evan: "Chad, you owe me a new shirt and an apology."
Chad: "Counteroffer: I'll give you twenty bucks and punch you in the face."

During that whole conversation Evan was so incredulous but mostly just spastic. Wells jumps in with his tiny shorts and level headed opinions. Such an adorable voice of reason. I think it's very brave of him because if Wells spoke his mind and Chad didn't agree, Wells would be dead in appx .3 seconds.

Pool party! Everyone strip! And put on sunscreen! (Off camera, tho, because sunscreen is for nerds)

My kind of pool party

JoJo: "It's been a little stressful this week. Hopefully the pool party will take the edge off and not make the guys insane and jealous."
^famous last words

They do normal pool party activities like having chicken fights and sneakily checking out the only bikini-clad girl present. You know, the usj.

The guys do a cute little diving stunt for JoJo. Evan gets a nosebleed. Classic Evan.

JoJo is skeptical about Jordan. She thinks he may be too good to be true, and rightly so! YOU GO, GLEN JOJO. YOU ASK ALL THE QUESTIONS YOU NEED. But seriously, ask him some questions. Making out with Jordan will not get you any information whatsoever. If you're gonna marry the guy you're gonna need to talk to him.

Chad has his first verbal altercation of MANY during this episode. This one's with Derek. Derek holds his own like a damn man during this confrontation. My ovaries are exploding right now. Derek I love you but your lapels need some work.

We finally get a rose ceremony. She chooses all the predictables and then Chad, yes Chad, the psychotic altercation-point-MVP gets the final rose of the night. That is a producer planted rose if I've ever seen one. We get at least one more week of his antics, which is good for the league but makes NO SENSE for JoJo. Ali, Christian and Nick B go home. Not at all surprised, but def disappointed.

Killin' me.

League rules reminder: All rose ceremony points went under "Week 3." Moving forward through the next rose ceremony, whenever that may be, will be "Week 4." This means your Week 3 points changed from yesterday.

The crew travels to exotic Pennsylvania for their first destination of the year. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Pocono Mountains and Amish people, but I have a sneaking suspicion from all the hotel name drops that JoJo didn't pick this locale.

Luke gets first one-on-one. They wander through the forest and arrive at....wait for it... the First Hot Tub of the season! It's a wood fire hot tub which requires Luke to chop some wood first. By design, this activity gets his muscles all toned and bulging for his shirtlessness. He picks her up like no man has ever been able to pick me up and daintily places her in the scalding water.

These two might be LOVAHS afterall.

Side note, Luke wins an award for most un-photogenic. His contestant photo looked hella crooked, but in all of these film shots his face is of a normal layout. Seriously, did he have pink eye when they took that? In any case, I now have him on my short list of front runners.

AM I WRONG?

Luke gets all personal and does the whole "open up" thing. He shows some depth, tells a heartbreaking story and makes me and JoJo swoon. He's got this broody country boy thing going on and we're all diggin' it. Luke gets a rose.

JoJo takes Luke go to a Ben and Jay Jan and Ray Dan and Shay concert where EVERY SINGLE ATTENDEE has their phone up. I couldn't pay attention to anything else that was going on because I was having flashbacks of all concerts I've had to watch though the phone of Suzie Social Media standing in front of me. Put your phone down and let love happen!

The group date is at Heinz Field (that's a football stadium, for you non-ESPNers). Jordan is foaming at the mouth hoping for another tryout. The guys start to get a little violent and sweetheart James Taylor gets his face smashed so hard that he needs stitches. He's looking a hot mess and does his best to stick it out. Note to the producers, we love these Medical Attention points. Next season you should try rugby or UFC.

While the rest of the guys are on the date, Chad, Alex and Luke are hanging out, yelling at each other at the hotel. Casual vacation activities for most families. Alex keeps poking the Chad-shaped bear with very passive aggressive questions.

Back in Football Land the guys play a game of touch football featuring Jordan as the all-time peacock quarterback. These guys are straight up terrible. Did JoJo list "bad at sports" as one of her preferences in men? Magically, the all-injured team wins so Evan, Jordan, James T, Robby and Derek get to spend more time with JoJo tonight.

Evan continues to show his Dorky Dad colors. He seems to have a permanent bloody nose. I thought Evan was going home on the first night, so I'm flabbergasted he's made it this far.

On the date, my team cash cow, Jordan, gets Falling for You points! Reminder: these points go to the first man to tell JoJo that he is "falling in love with her" or "falling for her." Naturally, this earns him the date MVP rose! He's single handedly carrying my team like he carried the football date.

The next day, prior to our two-on-one date, Chad chooses Jordan to take out his nervous anger on. Jordan makes one sass-tastic comment and Chad flips his Mr. Hyde switch and starts threatening to hunt Jordan down Taken-style after this Journey is complete. I can't even laugh at this anymore because Chad very clearly needs some professional help.

Now that Chad's in such a great mood, he gets to go on a two-on-one date with his BFFL Alex. Slight upside: both guys earn First Helicopter points!

The date is a hike in the woods and the tension could be cut with a pocket knife. I'm hiding under a blanket due to the third party awkwardness. Chad and Alex want to murder each other, and you can tell both are looking around at all the potential weapons in the woods around them.

Alex warns JoJo that she's dating a psychopath. She's all "are you sure he's not a sociopath?" Immediately following her chat with Alex, she straight up tells Chad about the Alex shit-talking. She's pretty much feeding Alex to a rabid bear. Chad's eyes go black and I think his head spun around once. JoJo is acting surprised as if all Chads aren't like this.

Chad's vampire/killer transition ^
Side note, I've been looking for an excuse to use a Buffy gif for YEARS. Thanks, Chad.

JoJo gives the default rose to Alex, shocking no one. Chad is left wandering the forest in the night, Deliverance-style. He wanders all the way back to the contestant lodge where...the episode cuts.

We have to wait two weeks for the next episode because ABC has no respect for my emotional stability.

Huge points week, y'all. Anyone with Chad/Evan/Alex scored BIG on altercation points. I refuse to draft Chads on principle and Evan reminded me of Larry the Lesbian, so needless to say, Julie's Juiceheads are starting their decline.

Love and Roses,
Julie

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JoJo Week Three: Cowboy Take Chad Away

We are so excited to welcome our first guest blogger of the season, Sam Fisher! Sam joined the league for Ben's season and has brought so much wonderful snark to our Bach Waches over the last year. I'll let Sam take it from here.




Hello, Bachelorette Nation! I can't tell you how excited I am to be a guest blogger on Roses to Riches. To quote myself, "ever since I was a little girl, I always wanted to be a Bachelorette blogger." Dreams come true, you guys. Don't stop believing.

My Bach Blog application ^

Set your outlook calendar to busy, because for the next couple of minutes, we're going to recap last night's episode the right way: with a little sass, a little judgment, and a lot of "CHASE WHERE DID YOU COME FROM YOU BEAUTIFUL HUNK OF MAN." Pardon the shouting.

The first shots we get are of the house, which appears to be in total disarray after the previous rose ceremony. Chad and Daniel, arguably the episode's cutest couple, are discussing weights and also lifting them. Shocker. Chris Harrison walks in and explains that this week, the men are faced with two 1x1 dates and one group date. We also get a long, gratuitous shot of Luke's butt. **Cues up Anaconda by Nicki Minaj**

Cut to Chris Harrison cleaning up the toilet paper outside. We all know he isn't quite pulling a Ryan Seacrest salary...but I guess a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do to make a buck.

Chase gets the first 1x1. Let me just repeat my above sentiment...WHERE did Chase come from. Total dark horse. JoJo takes him to a yoga studio. All is fine and good, right?

Wrong. This is not your average yoga sesh. The instructor has them acting out temper tantrums, yelling "HEY. HEY. HEY. HEY." while awkwardly thrusting on their backs. She wants them to have a collective "ANGER-gasm." Both JoJo and Chase look puzzled by the instructor's use of "gasm" as a suffix, but their energy and enthusiasm breaks through all of the unease brought to the room by the instructor. Not very zen of her, IMO.

Back at the house, we get another quick glimpse of Chad and Daniel continuing to lift massive amounts of weights. Their biceps are literally bulging. We also get a shot of Evan doing air squats. A remarkably unimpressive exercise routine compared to his housemates. Do you even lift, bro? #soft

The date seems to be going well back at the yoga studio. The instructor asks JoJo to mount Chase (yes, please). They stare into each other's eyes for what seems like forever before Chase finally makes a move and kisses JoJo. Oddly enough, it turned out to be super hot and suddenly we're all feeling like we're in hot yoga with them. During "dinner," Chase opens up about being from a family of divorce. He's honest about not taking marriage lightly. Seems like a pretty obvious statement, but coming from Chase, it seems super genuine. I think it's because his shirt is so endearingly large. We can focus on his words and not his body.

He gets the rose, and he and JoJo enjoy the smooth sounds of Charles Kelly, one third of the country trio Lady Antebellum. Again, and sorry to repeat myself, but CHASE. I know it's early to form single-man teams, but #TeamChase.

The group date card is delivered to the house -- Jordan, Grant, Wells, James, Christian, Daniel, Ali, Nic, Vinny, Evan, Alex, Chad, Joseph, Tommy, Stephen, Hector, Christopher, Renaldo, George, Kevin, Marvin. I added a couple names there, but that's because it felt like everyone and their brother was invited on this group date. Chad isn't down with the number of dudes going and states that he would rather just stay behind. YEAH OKAY CHAD. Which leads me to a follow up question: did anyone explain to Chad how the Bachelorette Process works? It's like he's never seen the show before.

KIMOJI FTW

There's some uproar from the other dudes who didn't get the invite. Chad leaves the room because he hasn't eaten any meat in the last 20 minutes, and the men start devising a plan to take down the evil Chad in front of JoJo.

They arrive at a theater where JoJo is outside waiting for them with tickets in hand. The show turns out to be creepier than originally anticipated -- it's a show about awkward sexual experiences! Everyone's favorite thing! In true Bachelorette fashion, the men are tasked with sharing their most uncomfortable sexual incident. Not to poke the feminist bear, but just curious how this would have gone over if this were a date on the Bachelor? Something to think about.

Sidenote: this is my nightmare. It's one thing to share strange sexual experiences with your best friends while sitting on the couch drinking a bottle of red wine (#merlotmouth). QUITE another thing to share it with a) a live audience and b) millions of viewers watching the show.

No, thank you.

Grant talks about being caught in a forest preserve by police (funny), Nick B clearly knows the alphabet (uncomfortable), Daniel once cut a lock of a woman's hair (YO DANIEL YOU'RE CREEPY AF), and Wells had a threesome that might have involved bad gas (um, disgusting, but need more deets to be certain).

Then we get Evan's story. He decides to fall on the sword and go after Chad. He discusses the dangers of using steroids -- obviously meant as a blow to our fav Bach carnivore. What's funny is he's trying to make fun of Chad, all while being an ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION EXPERT. Let the countdown begin for Chad's inevitable beatdown of Evan.

Evan walks back to his seat and BOOM. IT HAPPENS. AN ACTUAL PHYSICAL ALTERCATION WORTH 7 POINTS. Evan tries to get to his seat, Chad grabs his v-neck (ugh...more about these fashion choices later) and rips it. JoJo is a little concerned but seems to sort of move on from the drama. Because it's Evan...and no one really likes him to begin with.

Chad invites JoJo to help participate in his storytelling. Says all this BS about "not talking about the past, but just talking about the future." He tries to kiss her and she gives him the ole cheek treatment. DEEE-NIED. I'm embarrassed for him.

As the men shuffle off stage, they head back to their greenroom and Chad goes up and kind of push-pokes Evan in the neck, saying, "You're gonna die." Chad then says again, off camera, that if he can't work out he is literally going to murder someone. Now listen, I definitely get the "it's 2 pm on a Tuesday, I've been sitting in my cube all day and I can feel my ass flattening by the minute" mentality, but I don't think I'd go as far as to say that I would literally KILL someone if I didn't get some squats in STAT. Do less, Chad. The guys make subtle and not-so-subtle references to Chad suffering from 'roid rage, which pisses him off even more. The screw that is Chad seems to be slowly, but surely, loosening.

Let the wrap party begin. Definitely a good idea to give alcohol to men who have outwardly discussed inflicting physical harm on other housemates. Can you guys see my eye roll through your screen?

Jordan opens up to JoJo about being cautious in relationships. JoJo wants Jordan to continue to be open with her -- they really do have a great connection. He is stable. JoJo also talks with Alex and Becky With The Good Hair Vinny With The Bad Hair, who both also provide a sense of security that JoJo clearly appreciates. Chad paces around the antique shop, listening to all the conversations JoJo is having. Such a fantastic juxtaposition of safety and security vs. Chad's overwhelmingly unpredictable behavior.

As the group waits around for one on one time with JoJo, Evan decides to poke the bear one more time. He asks Chad why he is here. I love the fact that Jordan was the one to originally plant the "take Chad down" seed and now he's keeping his mouth shut. He's basically making Evan do his dirty work and waiting for everyone to self-destruct. Absolutely genius.

The best geniuses are the evil ones.

Chad mentions that if people don't stop "bullying" him, there's nothing else to do but get physical. Real talk: Chad probably failed 1st grade. He finally gets the chance to talk to JoJo, who straight up tells him to stop being a bully. He tries to blame the v-neck incident on Evan and acts as if pipsqueak Evan scares him. **second eye roll of the night** JoJo comments that Chad has two sides to him -- a softer side (which JoJo sees) and a harder, mean side (which the men tell JoJo about). Shoutout to Rob, who correctly identified this as Sociopathic code switching.

Evan finally gets some time with JoJo, where he states that the only way he'll stay in the house is if Chad gets sent home. JoJo pretends to be torn between with the two guys...PSH. **Ugh my eye sockets hurt from all the eye rolls** It's like...Evan. You're wearing 500 bracelets, jeans with holes all over them, a v-neck that doesn't really fit you, hair that is too long in the front and too short in the back, AND you're a whiner. She isn't torn.

Not your strongest argument, Evan.

Naturally, we all think JoJo is going to choose Chad in this scenario. Because everyone would. Lesser of two evils maybe? Yet, she opts to give the rose to Evan. I've never felt that the producers intervened with the rose selection before, but guys, THE PRODUCERS HAD TO HAVE INTERVENED WITH THE ROSE SELECTION HERE. How good was Chad's reaction when he saw Evan with the rose, though? "Is this for real? You're actually vibing THIS guy??" Just the best. Chad gets some lip from JoJo for that disrespectful comment. Chad is a ticking time bomb that is just a few beautiful ticks away from exploding.

Very little sense is going on with that rose. VERY little.

The next 1x1 was with James Taylor. I can't get over his name, but I'm trying. They look SO cute all dressed up for what looks like a 50's date. James has a smile from ear to ear and JoJo's hair is on POINT. One problem though -- James' suspenders aren't attached to his pants! They're just hanging there! Did anyone else notice that? Whatever, James is so fantastic, he could attach the suspenders to his ears and I wouldn't care.

It's a swing dancing date! And James can't dance! And no one cares! Because he is enthusiastic and energetic! He is so outgoing and excitable and it's such a breath of fresh air.

Except in this situation, the waitress is totally vibing him.

Back at the house, Daniel and Chad are having a conversation out on the porch. He also urges Chad to be less like Hitler and more like Mussolini. WHAT. **Remember Daniel is from Canada** Chad, thankfully, asks not to be called either of them, which is the only thing Chad has done right thus far in the season.

Even Chad is confused by Daniel's psychotic mutterings.

The 1x1 evening date is at the top of some California canyon. I love how James takes the attention off himself and asks JoJo what her favorite part of the date was. He needs to get out of the friend zone, and fast. He explains that he was made fun of as a kid and that he often feels unworthy of love from attractive women. It's such an honest moment and I love it. James isn't completely perfect, but he is genuine. And caring. And kind. He gets the rose but opts for a hug instead of a kiss. We all shout at him from the living room. Then, as if that wasn't enough, he does the unthinkable. He gets his guitar out. **eyes finally roll out the back of my head and onto the ground behind me** For some reason, JoJo really loves it though. The date ends with a kiss which pulls James out of the friend zone. Thank God!

Instead of a cocktail party this week, there is going to be an all-day pool party. Before that can begin, though, Evan has to continue his nagging ways with a quick conversation with Chris Harrison re: Chad. Such a tattletale. It's like, EVAN... YOU. HAVE. A. ROSE. BACK. OFF. JEE. ZUS. Chris Harrison, being the concerned father figure all these men clearly need, pulls Chad aside to tell him to fix the situation.

Chad rips off his microphone and proceeds to storm back into the house. All signs point to Chad not fixing the situation, but hey, did we actually think it would play out any differently?

This will NOT end well for Evan.

The episode ends on that note. Will Evan survive the pool party? Will JoJo finally oust Chadbrochill? Tonight's episode should be exciting!

Thanks so much for reading, guys! See you soon at The Nest!

To Love, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Roses
- Sam

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