Kaitlyn Week Seven: Cliffs of Moher and Moher Drama

Man, all the carryover drama this season is so exhausting. Just once, I would love to cap off an episode with a rose ceremony, a champagne toast, and the announcement of the next travel destination. Then open the next episode with "Tonight, on The Bachelorette..."

IS THAT SO HARD, PRODUCERS? IS IT?

Since no one this season can keep their shit together, we pick up where we left off with Shawn B having his weekly freakout. He doesn't know if he can continue with The Process.
Shawn: "Are you in love with me?"
Kaitlyn: "You can't put me on the spot like that."
Shawn: "YES OR NO?"

In her recap of the situation, Kaitlyn tells us, mid-meltdown, that Shawn was the one having a meltdown. Come on guys. Get it together.

TWO-ON-ONE DATE! I wish there were more of these. These are the best. Both people bring their own A game and simultaneously go for the kill shot with their opponent. It's brutal and beautiful. It's Bachelorette meets Gladiator. Take our suggestions seriously, ABC.

This Two-On-One features Joe versus JJ, in what JJ describes as "the most important day in my recent life." How recent are we talking, JJ? Like this week? This year? Since you broke up with Clint?

Wow Joe opens strong with possibly the most well worded Hail Mary play in Bachelor History. He knows he doesn't have much time left, so lays it all on the table and tells Kaitlyn that he's falling in love with her. I feel bad for Joe because if he cut his hair he might actually stand a chance. He just needs to find a nice southern girl who will appreciate his country boy manners. And moonshine.

During JJ's turn he drops a huge bomb and tells Kaitlyn that he cheated on his wife. Did he cheat with a man? Just kidding, I know this is serious. I just have zero tolerance for cheaters and I already hated JJ to begin with so hearing this news I'm just like "oh of course you did." I don't know how he even made it this far. Bye forever, JJ. #bringbackpantsapreneur

Kaitlyn decides to send JJ home, praise Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior. In what is her clearest moment of thinking yet this season, she doesn't give the rose to Joe quiiiite yet, decides she needs more time to talk. He eventually does get the rose. Yay Joe.

Back to Shawn B. So much inner turmoil. He is an emotional train wreck and the epitome of Analysis Paralysis. He has constant crazy eyes and looks like he could explode with frustration at any second.

He's back again! Shawn needs to talk to Kaitlyn and she loses it AGAIN because she thinks he knows about her boning Nick. They're both a complete mess. Much to her relief, he just wants to talk about himself and is still oblivious to the Nick situation.

At the cocktail party Kaitlyn opens with "HEY EVERYONE I MADE SOME MISTAKES THIS WEEK." This puts all the guys into a tizzy. Watching some of them squirm is fun, but Shawn and Nick are just like

uhh wut.

Uh oh now Ben H needs to talk to her. Serious face. Oh no! He's feeling self conscious about the Shawn situation. Damn, all this nonsense with Shawn is going to let everything with Nick get swept under the rug. Ugh. Also these convos go nowhere. She just makes them say words, then she gets uncomfortable and makes out with them so they don't have to keep talking.

Poor Shawn thinks Kaitlyn's "mistakes" are about him. Still no one knows she boned Nick.

Kaitlyn: "Don't tell anyone we boned."
Nick: "I didn't even say we kissed, I just said it was romantic and intimate and passionate."

She keeps saying, "I don't feel bad about Nick, I just feel bad about how it will affect my other relationships." I don't understand how she can separate and reconcile those two feelings. But can we pause for a sec? This is exactly why the Fantasy Suite exists! This show is a well oiled machine, Kaitlyn. The Process is The Process for a reason. They all messed it up by not being able to keep it in their pants and now everyone is losing their minds. Nick has an unfair advantage, Shawn thinks Kaitlyn is in love with him, it's all spiraling out of control. Let's hash this out in the comments, shall we?

#UserEngagement

Only three roses to give out tonight. Side note: Kaitlyn is way better at holding the rose than Andi was. Calling it now, Cupcake and Tanner are gone. But.....

ACK. Kaitlyn makes her third-worst decision this season (first-worst was letting Nick on the show, second-worst was sleeping with him) AND SENDS BEN Z HOME OVER CUPCAKE CHRIS. YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE THE BACHELORETTE ANYMORE, KAITLYN.

BEN Z NOOOOOOOOO. How is Ben Z gone but Jared is still here?! This is an outrage. Ben Z, please be the next Bachelor. Honest to Chris Harrison, I will sign up immediately. July 11 casting in Chicago, anyone??

Damnit, that was tragic. I hate to see you go, Ben Z. But I love to watch you leave.

Yes, I'm thirsty for some Ben Z

Laura L and Kristen both win wine! Ben Z was their last man standing. This show definitely self selects for drama. The guys who wear their hearts on their sleeves get all weepy when she bangs other people, but the people who have reasonable guards up and stay under the radar get cut for not being open to The Process.

Let's move ahead! We're departing Dublin and heading to the other side of the Emerald Isle to Killarney. Jared gets the first second one-on-one. <--sentence that makes perfect sense in Bach-ette world but is a complete cluster IRL. They drive to Killarney while the rest of the dude ride the bus. Shawn B snores.

Jared pulls out SO MANY cheesy one liners but they seem to be having a fun time in the car. Getting stuck in traffic is actually a great way to get to know someone so good on ya, producers. One good decision so far. They kiss the Blarney Stone.

Roadtrip

Cupcake with the comparisons again, god he's so annoying. "Killarney is old and beautiful like my soul." Go home please.

Ooh this is exciting! Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior visits Kaitlyn to impart his godly wisdom and give her some advice lay down the law. THEY'RE CHANGING EVERYTHING. Instead of 4 guys getting hometown dates, Kaitlyn has to narrow it down to 3 men this week and skip right to the fantasy suite dates. Hometowns when there are 2 left. Essentially, Kaitlyn needs to just sleep with the rest of the guys already level the playing field.

Is this the PR team intervening so save this train wreck of a season? Did Kaitlyn really already pick Shawn and, if so, is this the producers' way of speeding up the season because she wants out? A new way to slash the show's budget? So many questions.

It's like that one time they tried to change the Facebook layout!

Date with Cupcake. The fact that his nametag even says Cupcake means he's going home very soon. They go to the Cliffs of Moher. Chris is way too soft for her. They get a little bit of momentum and almost have a real conversation but then they just go back to talking about the logistics of the show, which is all anyone ever talks about. She breaks up with him. He sobs loudly and says indistinguishable words for a long time, teeters dangerously close to the edge of the cliff. Kaitlyn gets in a helicopter and leaves him there. Does he jump? How does he get home? This date departure was classic, almost as good as when Ali left Kasey on a glacier in Iceland.

This actually happened.

Next week we'll find out which guys get to be sloppy seconds to Nick! Something they've all dreamed about, I'm sure. Until then, leave us a comment and share this with your friends!

Points are updated here. Every pool has at least one team that's been eliminated, so we're getting down to the final contenders! Keep up the good work, everyone.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Kaitlyn Week Six: Take a Moment, Say Your Irish Goodbyes

Get ready for another shockingly dramatic episode of The Bachelorette (their words, not mine).

We pick right back up with our boys in San Antonio. Ian is still mid hissy fit, and boy does he show his true colors. The dude had so much potential in the preseason, and he's squandering it away. Under the guise of honesty he calls her shallow and slutty, which all around is not cool. "Is humor really what you're looking for in a husband?" ...uh, chyea dude. What are you looking for? Morticia Addams? There ARE ways to tactfully say "meh, I dont think I like you like you enough" and instead he took the "you stink and I'm hangry" approach.

"I feel like I know what it takes to be the Bachelor" "I feel like I'm destined to be the bachelor" - No, dude. If you did, you would have lasted longer in the game in the process.

"I'm tired of talking about sex all the time"..."I just need to have sex"....uhhhh, kay, byeeeeee. Thanks for the unceremonious elimination points.

It's ok, Stanley. He fooled us ALL on draft night.

Kaitlyn is sad but heroic Nick swoops in with his bowtie and saves the day. I hope you know how much it hurts me to praise Nick, but right now, I have to. The kid's got game. He comes over to Kaitlyn and says some pleasant stuff, and suddenly she's all happy again. Magic cheering up abilities are like boyfriend requirement number one numero uno (sorry, I almost forgot we are still in Texas and I need to make sure all the locals can understand this, right ABC? RIGHT?) He pulls the classic "sorry, I'm two whiskeys deep and I'm just really into you" which is how I landed in my last LTR. Smooth, bro.

Shawn B happens to catch a snippet of their makeout session. Cue handsome broody face.

Side bar: I forgot how bad Joshua's hair is from last episode. It's still soo stupid looking. He's like a puppy in the cone-of-shame, trying so hard to shit on the carpet and piss off the humans, but he's just all around hilarious to look at.

His hair is worse than that time I got a perm

Rose Ceremony at the Alamo! I wish we could give out points for "last stand" comments. Triple points for everyone if the rose ceremony takes place in the basement of the Alamo.

Joshua and Justin leave us. Who is Justin, you ask? Good question. I think the dude had like three talking heads all season. If you're going to make it five weeks earning minimal points, the least you can do for us is cry when you leave. No tears are produced by Justin, but that's ok, because Joshua cries enough for the both of them. I hope that limo swings Joshua by a Supercuts on the way to the airport.

LEAGUE UPDATES:
This rose ceremony knocks several teams out of the competition.

• In Chicago Pool #3, Team Gena thought she was in great shape with three contestants still in the game, only to lose all three in about 15 minutes. Team Gena ends the season with an underwhelming 111pts.
• In the Nashville conference, both Team MJ and Team Rachel hung up the towel thanks to Joshua and Justin's poor performance. Team MJ finished her season with 145pts and Team Rachel ended with 128pts. Better luck next season, girls.

Now, on to the next week and first international trip.

Bring on the obnoxious Ireland cliches! Part of me wants to drink at every mention of luck, leprechauns, and four leaf clovers, but I also like my functioning liver, soooo no can do.

Bring on the Guinness!

Nick gets the first foreign one-on-one. His smug smile is backdropped by all the others dudes' dagger eyes. This is great television. The two go walking through Dublin and again we get to see Kaitlyn's quirky-cute absurd fear of birds. Why would you permanently tattoo yourself with your biggest fear? It makes zero sense. I would never dream of tattooing a snake on my arm (for multiple reasons, but at least one of those reasons is that I'm scared of snakes)

OH LOOK, some completely impromptu Irish dancers. What a fantastic coincidental street perfomance. Did Nick get punched in the teeth recently? He has more of a lisp than usual, and it really wouldn't be surprising if one of the other dudes' fist accidentally fell into his upper lip. MVP of tonight's episode: all of the super uncomfortable locals in the background of Kaitlyn and Nick's makeout shots. This is why America is hated all over the world.

The date card is a limerick. Let's pause while I roll my eyes and refill my wine class.

At "dinner" Nick is wearing a square cut tie. It's better than his old scarves but it still makes me hate him with the fire of a thousand tropical Bachelor date suns. Their date is in a church, but what they're about to do is not allowed in churches. ABC, please stahhhp with the whisper subtitles. These whispering moments are filled with comments I do NOT want to hear.

Turn off the mic. TURN IT OFF.

Folks, we're finally here. We've hit the dramatic climax (heh!) of this season, according to all previews. Kaitlyn has to go and be all "I'm an adult woman in charge of my own body" on us by inviting Nick back to her hotel. Yea, ok, maybe sleeping with one dude while you're dating eight is not the most level-headed, fair choice, but it's just that: a choice. She was into him, she chose to do it, whatever. We've all had some form of one night stand, or relationship that suddenly progressed faster than we realized (except for me, Mom! Promise!). Kaitlyn's just happens to be on tape. No one died. No one was called "fake." No harm, no foul. They all are required to get STD tests before the show anyway, so really sleeping with Nick is a lot safer than picking up some dude the Hangge Uppe. There. I'm done. Let's move on.

OH SNAP, we get a nice twist. The other dudes subtly convince Nick that Shawn had already slept with Kaitlyn. The tables really turn and all of a sudden Nick's mood falls from glowing post-coital to glowering pre-temper tantrum. Remember, this is the same bro who made a big stink last season about Andi sleeping with him and not picking him...now he spends some sexy time with a girl when he has a 1/8 chance of being picked. You dug your own jealousy grave, Nick. Speaking of graves...

Today's group date is black tie optional because it's an Irish wake, for someone who is still alive. C'mon producers, there are SO MANY possible cultural cliches to go with, and you chose a morbid cocktail party with the Titanic soundtrack playing in the background? I was expecting some kind of Blarney Stone visit or Guinness factory tour. The boys are instructed to write a eulogy for Kaitlyn. Cheers to never having to listen to exes give my eulogy! Most of the guys spit great lines, and then Ben Z gets super serious. Poor Ben Z is having flashbacks to his mom's funeral...way to go with the sensitivity, ABC. Kaitlyn then calls him a Teddy bear and doesn't even makeout with him. The dude needs a hug. Ben Z, if you're reading, I'm here for ya.

To add to tonight's oddities, Jared is growing on me. Not like fungus-growing, but like Jimmy-Fallon-on-the-Tonight Show-growing. He nails his one-on-one time with K-money. I never thought I would call him charming, but I was wrong. So wrong, in fact: he gets the group date rose and the first live band. Snaps for Jared, and snaps for The Cranberries coming out of retirement to play their one hit song in a church for two people who are slow dancing with their mouths the whole time.

Meanwhile, Shawn B finally cracks and forgets that his mic still works while he talks to his assigned producer. Apparently ABC declined to show us some time when Kaitlyn and Shawn stayed up talking all night and he finally realizes that there are ten whole episodes to a season. Shawn keeps professing his love for her (although no points are earned, since he is not speaking to her and no actual crying is shown). Homeboy goes to her hotel room to interrupt her dinner and talk to her. She's panicking because a) she doesn't have makeup on yet **GASP** and b) he's delaying the only food she's allowed to actually eat all day.

No rose ceremony, AGAIN, but next week looks like a real tear-doozey. Maybe next week's episode will even out the balance of things and we'll get a rose ceremony at the END of the episode, instead of the beginning. Everyone earn some good karma and say your prayers to Chris Harrison, our lord and savior.

Props to Mary Clare again for holding down Twitter. Also, props to Rob for dropping his first "vis a vis" argument of the season via text.

If you survived this week's eliminations, check out your point standings. Are you cheering for a particular guy to survive or crash and burn? Let us know who in the comments.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Kaitlyn Week Five: Teary Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Keep Them Walls Up

First off, special shoutout and big ups to Mary Clare for helping us out with the @RosesToRiches Twitter account. Now, on to the episode...

We're picking up where we left off with Nick V walking in to meet the guys. This frat pledge night is so uncomfortable. Nick's voice is shaking so bad. Tanner is getting very worked up and is obviously a little red wine drunk, swirling around his empty glass like a class A betch.

We get a cocktail party/rose ceremony finally, thanks a lot producers. They're at Citi Field in NYC, which is home to the Met when it's not so freaking cold outside. JJ steals Kaitlyn to go run the bases. His pants are a liiiiittle short, we need the old JJ/Pantsapreneur to help him out. He then starts subtly hitting on Shawn B. "You're the best looking guy in the house...now that Clint's gone I can say that."

Important thoughts during this ten minute cocktail party:

• OMG Shawn B showing lots of insecurities about Nick coming back. Noooo Shawn B please don't go!! You are so beautiful.
• I keep forgetting that Jonathan has a son, oops.
• Holy roses they all look so cold. These guys are freezing their baseballs off but still trying to look all suave.

Nick gets the final rose of the evening. I'm a little salty that he's usurping (A+ vocab word) all these valuable points. Ryan B, Jonathan, Corey with an E go home.

Byeeeeee.

Now they're going to San Antonio!

Ben H gets the first one on one date. He's such a cutie. "STAHP, Ben H is so adorable," said me, like four times during this date. They're in the oldest dance hall in Texas with the oldest dancers in Texas participating in a two-step contest. They have a really nice fake dinner and Ben H is so cute that I can't even make fun of him at all. Fine.

ABC tosses in a convenient plug for a casting event right after the Ben H date. I might actually consider that if he's the bachelor.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Joshua is very jealous and looks like he was pulled away mid-haircut for an interview. Whoa. Even that shiz out, Joshua. I'll send you a Wahl trimmer. I've got connections. More on this topic to come.

"As meatheady as these guys are, I can't believe 85% of the episode isn't fighting over protein powder and whose turn it is to use the butterfly press." -Allee Gushwa, longtime lurker, first time commenter. It's the producers, Allee. They perform miracles in the editing room.

ACK MY SHOW JUST GOT INTERRUPTED BY A TORNADO WARNING. I don't care about ~*potential*~ tornado warnings UGHHH. I saw a steer in Gruene, TX and then it all went dark. Damn you, weather patterns.

Tornados Schmornados. I'm busy, weather service.

The group date is all about mariachi singing. Julie loves mariachi and I hope they don't ruin this for her ("this is 100% true, I do love mariachi music" -J). The 12-year-old singer nails it. That latino charm is killer. I would know. Seriously none of these white boys know what's going on and then this kid just throws down the gauntlet: "Your muscles won't help you here, especially since none of you except Ian can earn minority points for being here."

Somehow Nick gets on all the culturally misappropriated dates. First the miming in France, now mariachi in America.

Kaitlyn: "Mariachi is a combination of heart and humor and I have no idea what Spanish words mean so I'm just going to say something borderline racist because ABC said it's okay."

More highlights:

• JJ plays the guitar. No. Why. 
• Jared is a frito bernito. Does he even know what he's saying? 
• Joe, okay, good job. 
• Ian takes this way too seriously and then chokes, ouch.

Except for Ian.

Nick takes Kaitlyn up to the balcony to sing up there, totally one upping the other guys. Not sure if this is fair because he's done The Process before. He's like that kid who gets held back in fifth grade and has to repeat the year, then he already has a leg up on everyone when they start to learn long division and he already knows it. Suspicious...

Joshua tries to redeem his bad singing by having Kaitlyn give him a haircut, which explains the earlier hair situation. Poor guy, she totally botched it. He looks so bad. Does she do Jared's beard too? Might as well just go home now since no one can take him seriously with this haircut. Producers, can we shoot him from the other angle please?

Next we get to enjoy his totally self destruction. He warns Kaitlyn that Nick is here for the wrong reasons! These points are great and all, but that's shooting yourself in the foot, dude. This technique works for no one.

Apparently the theme of this season is brotrayal. Joshua tries to call the guys out for not being okay with Nick, but they all just let him dig his own grave.

Bye Felicia... probably.

Nick gets the group date rose for just being Nick. Joshua is already eating his words, he should've known better than to warn her! Such an amateur move.

"All of these men are shaped like a bag of grapes stuffed into suit sleeves." -Allee, again with the commentary gold.

Next up we're rewarded with a Shawn B one-on-one date. Shawn B has the perfect Texas accent, holy smokes. I would break all the Bachelor rules for Shawn B. After telling his tragic story and [almost] crying man tears he says he is falling in love with her!! Kaitlyn breaks the rules and says she's feeling the same way because how can you not fall in love with Shawn B?

K: "Shawn?"
Shawn: "Ma'am?"
K: "Will you accept this rose? Keep saying ma'am like that and I'll give you all the roses and maybe have sex with you before the fantasy suite."

I mean really, the only things I have to say about Shawn B are 1) God bless Texas, and 2) let me at him.

#Thirsty

Back at the house, Ian turns on a dime and starts throwing a temper tantrum. Can already tell he's gonezo. He's the last minority standing and he's sadly about to bite the dust. He tells the camera that he'd make a great next bachelor, which guarantees that there'w no way he will be. Again, what's with all these amateur moves? Obviously you have to feign humility in order to be picked for next bach, Ian. Duh.

Suffering from lack-of-attention-itis, Ian drops the ultimate lady-catching-line: "She's not half as hot as my ex girlfriend soooooooo..."

"Against all my logic, Kaitlyn doesn't want someone like me. It's making me look bad. If you don't want me, FINE, just pick one of the lames. I have a good job, brains and looks. I'm a catch. Who I am is a gift you unwrap for life." <---actual quote from Ian
He's basically the televised version of my pep talk to myself after the boy I'm side eyeing at the bar doesn't pick up on my telepathic messages. Let's be real.

Side note: how is it that her time with Jared is a reprieve from the Ian drama? Like...what?

Ian: "I have a lot of sex back home and I heard that they sometimes do it on this show so like what gives?"

GTFO (but keep talking and earning points as you do)

Cliffhanger again. No rose ceremony. But NEXT WEEK SEX WEEK YAAAASSSSSS. CAN'T WAIT.

Check your standings here. Again, the lack of rose ceremony is throwing the point systems off. Who do you think Kaitlyn has sex with?? Our self esteem isn't as low as Ian's, but leave us a comment below anyway.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Kaitlyn Week Four: Concrete Jungle Where Dreams Are Made...By Chris Harrison

A NEW DRAMATIC EPISODE! We really need a previously on The Bachelorette at the beginning here, I need a refresher on what's happening. So many points awarded in these first 10 minutes, all of which go toward last week's episode. Clint is "making some power moves" or, from Kaitlyn's POV, "about to go down in flames." I wish I could type "about" in a Canadian accent. 

Kaitlyn breaks up with Clint, and he's mostly just sad about having to leave JJ. 

Clint: "JJ...me and him have become best best best friends. Like we are very very very very close."

Kaitlyn: "You can't sit with us."

Music so ominous. I want to be friends with the score composer.

They go back to the party to announce that Clint is going home. Normally they send the unceremoniously rejected ones home without any parting goodbyes, but the producers clearly love us so they're fueling this fire. Upon hearing the news JJ starts crying, but then makes an unexpected move and he also breaks up with Clint! Holy crap so much bro-trayal happening. This breakup is no longer about Kaitlyn and the secret lovers take their spat out into the hallway (big points for this extreme verbal altercation).

Betrayal - bro betrayal - brotrayal?

JJ: "You don't know how much this hurts me."

Clint: "How dare you BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP. I was only half a virgin when I met you."

JJ: "I told you stuff I've never told anyone before."

Clint: "Hey that tie goes really good with your shirt. F*** you. BYE FELICIA." (Clearly they helped each other get dressed today)

The next few minutes become the JJ show. 

JJ to camera: "I will defend Clint to the day I die until Kaitlyn sends him home and I have to find a new house husband." 

He retreats to the moonlit balcony and sobs about losing Clint and actually gets in a physical altercation with himself! A punch to his own face followed by various curses. Props to the sound guys for JJ's well-placed collar mic. Really felt like I was right up in there for that hit. Punches are so rarely thrown on the show, so JJ definitely gets points for this self-mutilation. Pull yourself together, man.

Move on, dude.

Dun dun dunnnn rose ceremony cancelled! Roses for everyone!

We're already traveling now? Guess the budget is higher since they saved so much money on Chris' season staying in South Dakota the whole time. We're off to the Big Apple. 

The first group date is rap battling with "The World's Greatest Entertainer"...Doug E Fresh. Very disappointed it's not R Kelly. What does the E stand for? I hope it's something super nerdy like Earl or Eugene. 

Do all these white people in the crowd even know who Doug E Fresh is? They're cheering louder for Kaitlyn than they are for him. We see a blurry, foreboding shot of Nick V lurking in the back of the crowd with Ashley I the crazy slut virgin! I wonder if she's still a virgin. 

Okay some of these guys really pulled it out in the battles. Corey with an E finally has a personality. Shawn B is swoon worthy as always. Justin actually was dece too, minus the 90s butt-cut hairdo.

Drop the mic, boys...no seriously, drop it and never touch it again.

Nick V makes his grand entrance and asks if he can be on the show. They're making out within 30 seconds. She says maybe. Apparently they have undeniable chemistry. Good thing they've built such a solid foundation/7 tweets back and forth. The other guys get wind of the situation and are not happy about it. They bring up good questions about her not being confident in the options she already has (remember, they're still on the group date. awkwardddd).

Justin stands up to say to everyone that it's okay if Nick comes back. Such a power play to get the rose and it worked.

Back at the house, some intern puts them all on a couch to bro out and have a spontaneous chat about the drama. Obviously won't be promoted to junior producer, pull another couch over and don't make them same side! Amateur. But really there is so much Nick drama I can't even keep all these conversations straight anymore.

"I miss Tony." -Brittany Ross, Chicago Conference #2 

OMG Ashley S is back! But this is not the Ashley S we know and love. Can't decide if Old Ashley S was on drugs or if New Ashley S is... Either way she gives advice to Kaitlyn while pretending to do her hair. We know it's fake because Kaitlyn left the salon with a side braid.

Kaitlyn is in SUCH a difficult situation, with guys flying across the country trying to date her. I just can't identify with that problem. If I were the Bach-ette, here's how it would work. Everyone would get out of the limo and introduce themselves. After I meet everyone, I go into the house. They've all disappeared without a trace, except maybe one who doesn't know the difference between apart and a part.

The single life.

One-on-one date with...Jared the rodent/hawk with facial hair that's constantly askew. 

K is wearing special ABC-endorsed Neil Lane diamonds! Making an early appearance this season, usually we don't see him until the proposal.

Okay Jared looks semi-decent in his tux and in this lighting. They brought in a facial hair specialist to help him out. WHAT UGH CHRIS HARRISON GAVE THE FIRST HELICOPTER RIDE TO JARED?! Feeling betrayed by Our Lord and Savior. Jared gets a rose.

Group date on Broadway, promoting Aladdin this year instead of a new Disney film. It worked, because it subconsciously influenced our .gif selection.

According to Kaitlyn, Aladdin is the perfect love story. So basically she is looking for a street rat who lies about his identity so the girl will fall in love with him. Aladdin is not there for the right reasons.

These guys need to work on their jazz hands. 

The only thing we learn during this date is that Chris is a little bit tone deaf and a lotta bit gay. Somehow he scores the solo date. Joe and Ben H are adorably salty in the back row together. Chris and Kaitlyn perform stand silently in the show, he gets the rose and a lame kiss.

Kaitlyn: "That guy has heart and I think he would make a great husband for another man."

PS "having heart" is basically the kiss of death on this show. He won't last much longer.

WE DIDN'T EVEN GET ONE ROSE CEREMONY THIS WEEK THIS IS BS. I am livid. This is really screwing up our point system.

I feel personally victimized by ABC

You can check your standings here, though it's not totally up to date since The Process is all whack now. 

Will Nick V be accepted by The Bachelors? Will they revolt? Leave us your thoughts (and some love) in the comments. Feel free to share these posts too! Julie made it super easy for you with little icons down below. Also, we're on Twitter now. Follow us @RosesToRiches.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie

League Commissioners

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Kaitlyn Week Three: Villains Gonna Vill

Annnnnd we're back. We're continuing last week's To Be Continued episode, which I'm still salty about. Kupah is still drangry and yelling at Elan (yes, first name basis with Producer Numero Uno). Kaitlyn overhears and scolds him. He retracts back into his turtle shell and resembles a petulant 5-year-old afraid of its mother. "FINE. I won't yell anymore, mom." Once she steps away, his ego kicks back in and he's all "I didn't like her anyway" and the whole thing is over. Not the blaze of glory we all hoped for. I waited a week for this interaction; I was hoping it'd be something more, and not just a reenactment of all my relationship arguments ever. At least he earned some points for an unceremonious elimination and making her cry. Love it when they go down swinging.

Finally, we get our rose ceremony. She boots off Cory-No-E and Daniel. No surprises there.

Now we move on to the actual week three, and it starts out pretty heavy (LITERALLY! ha). The schtick this week is sumo wrestling! ABC was able to cast the heaviest Japanese person ever (<-- actual thing they said. He is 600lbs.) to teach the men sumo-basics. Unfortunately, ABC still employs their trusty censorship box operator, so we didn't get to see all the man tushy that was on screen. I mostly feel bad for the cameramen. Country Bumpkin Joe didn't fasten his diaper thong properly and had a little more showing the entire time, so let's hope Elizabeth's future sunscreen intern was also on the call sheet.

The men, who almost all still have black eyes from last week's aggression fun date, "wrestle" in the form of bumping, grinding, and diaper grabbing. So many sexual jokes were made, including something about a dong show and mushing of man meat.

Things we learn about Touchy Tony:

1. He love his bonzai trees most in life and hates violence
2. He has the heart of a warrior and the soul of a gypsy
3. He sees the world through the eyes of a child
4. He enjoys taking dates to the zoo and imitating the elephants
5. He is a sore loser

We also learn that JJ loves Japanese culture, like sushi and... that's really it.

Youths.

During Tony's turn he tickles the sumo guy instead of actual fighting. Sumo giggles like a 5-year-old Asian Santa Claus and tosses Tony out of the ring like a rag doll. Tony then throws a temper tantrum about it. Frankly, I missed a lot of it because my viewing party was busy discussing his visible moose knuckle (educate yourself here). Tony, dude, you're attempting to get yourself kicked off while in a man thong. Contestants have hit low points on this show before, but I really think we're witnessing a rock bottom.

The men go do some more touching in front of an audience. Clint goes all Hulk and takes it too seriously. Apparently he was a wrestler in college, which might explain some of his later behavior involving shirtlessness and male bonding.

Touchy Tony leaves the show and earns some unceremonious elimination points. I hope a producer gave him Ashley S's number on the way out.

Pardon my french here, but all the dudes on this date are so butt-hurt. It makes sense, because it's like the second week of grownup sleepaway camp when exhaustion, hangover, and homesickness set in, but it's annoying anyway. Shawn B gets the group date rose and also 10 points for being the first to say he's "falling for Kaitlyn." We all swoon.

Next up is a one-on-one date with Ben Z who, as Kaitlyn so accurately described, is a babe-soda. They go on a TERRIFYING Saw-themed date supposedly set up by Chris Harrison. They are locked in a horrifying room with live creatures and they have to find clues for the code to get out. When I say terrifying, I mean it. A live scorpion? Snakes? I had to keep my eyes closed this whole segment. I've had this nightmare before, and it ended in a Monday morning staff meeting. All I know is that the password was "Roses" and now I have to change the password for all accounts associated with this blog. Thanks ABC. I would not have judged either of them if they had peed their pants...I know I would have when I saw the LIVE SNAKES. One thing I most certainly did judge for, however, is Kaitlyn's fear of birds. Look, I get it, pigeons are absolutely disgusting, but she has TWO bird tattoos permanently on her body? Why would you do that if you have a fear of them? Whyyyyyyyy.

Me during this whole date.

Once that's over, Ben Z gets his date time, and he's all cute and rose-deserving. Yay. Ben Z is top notch. He's literally everyone's type. Even Rob said he's gay for Ben Z.

The third date of the night is another group adventure. The men are required to teach children (concerningly young child actors, to be specific) the birds and the bees. This proves to be difficult because Joshua learned all of his sex ed from watching their cows back on the farm. Considering my mother was my middle school sex ed teacher (shout out to Mama Sutton!), I have little sympathy for the men's claims of feeling awkward. Ben H steps up and shows the group how it's done (LITERALLY AGAIN! Ha!) He gives an adorably accurate description of baby making [insert babymaking-with-me joke here...you can stop reading now, Mama] and makes all of us swoon at his charisma. Obviously he's going to know the ins and outs of sex...he went to IU ZING. Ben H gets the group date rose.

He's not wrong.

On to the cocktail party. Can we address the homoeroticism in the room? Clint and JJ are all about each other and it's the secondary storyline to the whole episode. I know that they're joking, but they're joking a little too calmly, and I'm not sure I like that they're joking about being gay. I love too many gays to let idiots on reality television make fun of them. Naming the episode Brokeback Bachelor not only insults my gay best friends, but it also insults Heath Ledger, which we can all agree is NEVER ok. JJ plays the Bach game and at least pretends to like Kaitlyn, but Clint goes as far to say that he only wants to stay because of JJ. He actually says "I'm not into Kaitlyn." JJ and Clint form an alliance to piss off everyone around them and help each other win. Newsflash: this is not Survivor. Anyone who might mistake Chris Harrison for Jeff Probst can just gtfo right now.

Villains Gonna Vill.

Meanwhile, plenty of men are taking their turn drunkenly making out with Kaitlyn, pleading for her to keep them. Several dudes get points for warning her that C+JJ are there for the wrong reasons. She storms over to find Clint (and for some reason, only Clint) and tell him off...

ANOTHER STUPID TO BE CONTINUED. SCREW YOU ABC. We have a structure for our point keeping and you're totally throwing it off. We can only include the Emperor's New Groove .gif so many weeks in a row. Next week we'll have another rose ceremony in the first 10 minutes (30 minutes, if you include commercials)

My groove is still off, ABC. STILL.

Points and rosters have been updated.

Love & Roses,
Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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