Kaitlyn Week Five: Teary Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Keep Them Walls Up

First off, special shoutout and big ups to Mary Clare for helping us out with the @RosesToRiches Twitter account. Now, on to the episode...

We're picking up where we left off with Nick V walking in to meet the guys. This frat pledge night is so uncomfortable. Nick's voice is shaking so bad. Tanner is getting very worked up and is obviously a little red wine drunk, swirling around his empty glass like a class A betch.

We get a cocktail party/rose ceremony finally, thanks a lot producers. They're at Citi Field in NYC, which is home to the Met when it's not so freaking cold outside. JJ steals Kaitlyn to go run the bases. His pants are a liiiiittle short, we need the old JJ/Pantsapreneur to help him out. He then starts subtly hitting on Shawn B. "You're the best looking guy in the house...now that Clint's gone I can say that."

Important thoughts during this ten minute cocktail party:

• OMG Shawn B showing lots of insecurities about Nick coming back. Noooo Shawn B please don't go!! You are so beautiful.
• I keep forgetting that Jonathan has a son, oops.
• Holy roses they all look so cold. These guys are freezing their baseballs off but still trying to look all suave.

Nick gets the final rose of the evening. I'm a little salty that he's usurping (A+ vocab word) all these valuable points. Ryan B, Jonathan, Corey with an E go home.

Byeeeeee.

Now they're going to San Antonio!

Ben H gets the first one on one date. He's such a cutie. "STAHP, Ben H is so adorable," said me, like four times during this date. They're in the oldest dance hall in Texas with the oldest dancers in Texas participating in a two-step contest. They have a really nice fake dinner and Ben H is so cute that I can't even make fun of him at all. Fine.

ABC tosses in a convenient plug for a casting event right after the Ben H date. I might actually consider that if he's the bachelor.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Joshua is very jealous and looks like he was pulled away mid-haircut for an interview. Whoa. Even that shiz out, Joshua. I'll send you a Wahl trimmer. I've got connections. More on this topic to come.

"As meatheady as these guys are, I can't believe 85% of the episode isn't fighting over protein powder and whose turn it is to use the butterfly press." -Allee Gushwa, longtime lurker, first time commenter. It's the producers, Allee. They perform miracles in the editing room.

ACK MY SHOW JUST GOT INTERRUPTED BY A TORNADO WARNING. I don't care about ~*potential*~ tornado warnings UGHHH. I saw a steer in Gruene, TX and then it all went dark. Damn you, weather patterns.

Tornados Schmornados. I'm busy, weather service.

The group date is all about mariachi singing. Julie loves mariachi and I hope they don't ruin this for her ("this is 100% true, I do love mariachi music" -J). The 12-year-old singer nails it. That latino charm is killer. I would know. Seriously none of these white boys know what's going on and then this kid just throws down the gauntlet: "Your muscles won't help you here, especially since none of you except Ian can earn minority points for being here."

Somehow Nick gets on all the culturally misappropriated dates. First the miming in France, now mariachi in America.

Kaitlyn: "Mariachi is a combination of heart and humor and I have no idea what Spanish words mean so I'm just going to say something borderline racist because ABC said it's okay."

More highlights:

• JJ plays the guitar. No. Why. 
• Jared is a frito bernito. Does he even know what he's saying? 
• Joe, okay, good job. 
• Ian takes this way too seriously and then chokes, ouch.

Except for Ian.

Nick takes Kaitlyn up to the balcony to sing up there, totally one upping the other guys. Not sure if this is fair because he's done The Process before. He's like that kid who gets held back in fifth grade and has to repeat the year, then he already has a leg up on everyone when they start to learn long division and he already knows it. Suspicious...

Joshua tries to redeem his bad singing by having Kaitlyn give him a haircut, which explains the earlier hair situation. Poor guy, she totally botched it. He looks so bad. Does she do Jared's beard too? Might as well just go home now since no one can take him seriously with this haircut. Producers, can we shoot him from the other angle please?

Next we get to enjoy his totally self destruction. He warns Kaitlyn that Nick is here for the wrong reasons! These points are great and all, but that's shooting yourself in the foot, dude. This technique works for no one.

Apparently the theme of this season is brotrayal. Joshua tries to call the guys out for not being okay with Nick, but they all just let him dig his own grave.

Bye Felicia... probably.

Nick gets the group date rose for just being Nick. Joshua is already eating his words, he should've known better than to warn her! Such an amateur move.

"All of these men are shaped like a bag of grapes stuffed into suit sleeves." -Allee, again with the commentary gold.

Next up we're rewarded with a Shawn B one-on-one date. Shawn B has the perfect Texas accent, holy smokes. I would break all the Bachelor rules for Shawn B. After telling his tragic story and [almost] crying man tears he says he is falling in love with her!! Kaitlyn breaks the rules and says she's feeling the same way because how can you not fall in love with Shawn B?

K: "Shawn?"
Shawn: "Ma'am?"
K: "Will you accept this rose? Keep saying ma'am like that and I'll give you all the roses and maybe have sex with you before the fantasy suite."

I mean really, the only things I have to say about Shawn B are 1) God bless Texas, and 2) let me at him.

#Thirsty

Back at the house, Ian turns on a dime and starts throwing a temper tantrum. Can already tell he's gonezo. He's the last minority standing and he's sadly about to bite the dust. He tells the camera that he'd make a great next bachelor, which guarantees that there'w no way he will be. Again, what's with all these amateur moves? Obviously you have to feign humility in order to be picked for next bach, Ian. Duh.

Suffering from lack-of-attention-itis, Ian drops the ultimate lady-catching-line: "She's not half as hot as my ex girlfriend soooooooo..."

"Against all my logic, Kaitlyn doesn't want someone like me. It's making me look bad. If you don't want me, FINE, just pick one of the lames. I have a good job, brains and looks. I'm a catch. Who I am is a gift you unwrap for life." <---actual quote from Ian
He's basically the televised version of my pep talk to myself after the boy I'm side eyeing at the bar doesn't pick up on my telepathic messages. Let's be real.

Side note: how is it that her time with Jared is a reprieve from the Ian drama? Like...what?

Ian: "I have a lot of sex back home and I heard that they sometimes do it on this show so like what gives?"

GTFO (but keep talking and earning points as you do)

Cliffhanger again. No rose ceremony. But NEXT WEEK SEX WEEK YAAAASSSSSS. CAN'T WAIT.

Check your standings here. Again, the lack of rose ceremony is throwing the point systems off. Who do you think Kaitlyn has sex with?? Our self esteem isn't as low as Ian's, but leave us a comment below anyway.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners