Ben H Week Three: A Blog About Cankles

This week's blog post is brought to you by Bota Box wines, San Pellegrino, and Winn Dixie King Cake.

First of all, I am so happy to be co-blogging with my co-commissioner this week. I left the single digit temps behind and reunited with Julie for warmer, jazzier times in the Big Easy.

LOOK HOW HAPPY WE ARE! Just missing our boy Chris Harrison.

So elated.

Chris Harrison comes to the mansion right away to deliver the date card in person. "You ladies look very hungover anxious this morning."

Lauren B gets the first of two one-on-one dates this week. Of course the flight attendant gets picked for the prop plane date, but she is surprisingly afraid of it. (For the record, the prop plane ride does not count for First Helicopter points.)

During the plane ride they try to kiss over their microphones which looks really awkward. Just pay attention to the view! ABC spent a big chunk of their budget on this. ENJOY IT PLS AND MAKE OUT LATER. In a shocking twist they fly over Bachelor Mansion to taunt the other girls. Despite the fact that they're thousands of feet in the air, the girls on the ground know exactly what's happening (thank you, producers). They squeal like Julie while the plane flies overhead.

Ben and Lauren B keep kissing instead of watching out the window.

"I'm not super into situations I haven't been in before" is a softer/more stupid-sounding way of saying "I'm not adventurous and I hate trying new things." Welcome to the Bachelor, Lauren B. Have you seen the show before? List your biggest fear and the producers will make damn sure to incorporate it into your date.

The plane lands in the middle of nowhere but somehow there's a hot tub. Questions I have: Where is the water source? What about electricity? How did the hot tub get there?

Answers I have: Interns.

They have a meaningful conversation in the hot tub. Lauren B went up in that tiny plane and now all of a sudden she wants to get her pilot's license. Apparently she's the "always the flight attendant, never the pilot" type and now she's on the Bachelor discovering dreams she never knew she had. Aim high, Lauren B. Aim as high as the sky. Because it's flying. Get it?

Ben's hair line might be receding. He also has a surprisingly large amount of chest hair, which I didn't expect but also don't hate.

Back at the mansion, Caila is getting hysterical. She's JUST NOW realizing that Ben might fall in love with one of the other amazing women on the show instead of her. Again, welcome to the Bachelor. It's like she's never seen the show before either! What is this, amateur hour? By the way, I love these "meanwhile, back at the ranch" clips. We really get to see the girls unraveling slowly and steadily as opposed to all at once, for example, at the cocktail party. The Analysis Paralysis is strong with this group. And it's only Week 3! eeeeek!

In an interesting turn of events, Ben shares his own sob story with Lauren B. This is new for the Bachelor - we don't usually get to hear personal issues from the Bachelor/Bach-ette. The move works the way sob stories on this show are supposed to, and Lauren B declares her desire to meet Ben's family. Embarrassingly early, if you ask me. But she gets the rose.

The group date card arrives.
Rachel, on the Bachelor version of crossing your fingers: "I was squeezing my abs reeeally hard, hoping my name would be on the date card...and worrying I might have to be filmed in a bikini."

Group date at USC football field, The Coliseum. BOOOOOOO.

Ben: "We're here to play some soccer and here to help us today is Bachelor Nation's own former soccer legend JUAN PABLO!" JK I wish. He's blacklisted from Bachelor events. It's two members of the US women's team, Alex Morgan and what's her face.

All of these girls are unbelievably terrible at soccer. What are the odds of that? I really want to know. 15 presumably athletic women together in a group and not a single one has ever kicked a soccer ball? I'm sorry, did you all not have a childhood? I'm not saying they have to be amazing at it but it's honestly like watching a bunch of toddlers play. Only less funny because these are (almost) grown ass women. Get it together, girls, you're embarrassing the rest of us.

Bubble soccer is the only excuse for that kind of performance.

Also I can't get an exact count but at least six of them are wearing their hair down. Unforgivable. Immediate red card.

Chris Harrison comes out to the stir the pot, per usual. He's lookin' pretty fine in that jersey, I must say. Dayummmmmmmm. Can I be on his team?

He pits the girls against each other, and the losing team has to go back to the mansion to ice their sore muscles and bruised egos. #ouch.

Okay they're ready to play and thank goodness they all put their hair up but *~!whoopsie daisies!~* they all lose their shorts in the process. Apparently it's not Bachelor Soccer unless the girls are wearing the bare minimum amount of clothing.

Lace didn't know she couldn't pick up the ball as the goalie. Normally, one might blame the coach for that oversight in the rules explanation, but I don't know a single person who doesn't know that goalies can use their hands. It's one of the most basic, most intuitive rules of soccer. And life. GOD, LACE.

After a hard fought battle, the Stripes team wins. The Stars limp home in tears. Sorry boutcha.

Intermission!
Big news, y'all. Julie's friend knows Ben! They're going to be at the same wedding in a few weeks. Jury's still out on whether Ben will guest-blog for us. We'll keep you posted.

At the victory party, Olivia steals Ben first and then she yells off the balcony at the rest of the girls. Ben seems uncomfortable and he's all, "um, what's ur deal?" and Olivia's all, "I can't help it that I'm popular."

While Olivia is off galavanting with Ben, the rest of the girls take the opportunity to ruthlessly rip her appearance to shreds.

Thing 1: "Ugh have you guys noticed her fat toes?"
Thing 2: "OMG YES HAHA FAT TOES FAT TOES."
Okay for real though, that is literally my worst nightmare. I was cursed with terrible toes so I feel Olivia's pain here.
Thing 3: "Also her boobs are definitely fake, I'm pretty sure."
Thing 4: "Also have they kissed? Does Ben smell what I've smelled?"

Lord these girls are vicious.

Jami, in an attempt to be a good samaritan, tells Olivia what went down.

Olivia: "OMG WAS IT MY CANKLES AGAIN" (ps now all of America is going to be sneaking a peek at your cankles. self fulfilling prophecy)
Jami: "No it was your fat toes."
Olivia: "Welp."

Amber finally finds her Bachelor balls legs and steals some time and a kiss with Ben. She gets the rose.

Olivia: "But he pushed off on my leg when he stood so we're basically engaged." #secretsignals

Jubilee gets the last date card! She is jubilant about it.

Jami calls Jubilee an Awko Taco (which I am totally adding to my arsenal of insults), but Jubilee looks dynamite in that all-white ensemble so it doesn't even matter.

FIRST HELICOPTER RIDE OF THE SEASON! AND THERE WAS MUCH REJOICING by everyone with Jubilee on their team.

She gets a little sarcastic and standoffish ("does anyone want to go on my date?") which is clearly just a defense mechanism. But the other girls are peeved that she's disrespecting Ben and The Process.

"How dare you be anything but GRATEFUL to Ben and Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior who graciously chose you for the honor of this helicopter ride??!"

After a while she comes out of her shell.

Jubilee, on shuffleboard: "Hey, white boy, I don't play."
Ben, on dick size: "But I aint that white. I got...you know..."
AWWWW YEAH BEN.

Okay Jubilee I see you rocking that bikini. #bootygoals

Later, they have a pretty uncomfortable and emotional discussion about her adoption and life in Haiti. She gets the rose.

Lauren, on the first black girl appearing to do well in the competition: "I just don't see Ben with someone like Jubilee. Ben wants a wife who will be friends with all the other soccer moms!"

I don't have enough time, energy, or blog space to unpack that statement.

At the cocktail party, we learn that Ben had a family tragedy that week. He announces this to the group in a Hunger Games-esque manner to see who will be able to console him the best tonight. #OTPHJ

Olivia steals him first (classic Olivia) and wants to talk about her cankles (also classic Olivia). Some mean jerks have written blogs about her cankles and it's been really hard on her but she tries to stay strong.

Jubilee sets up a massage table and steals him away, committing the Cardinal Sin! Somehow it seems less sinful when she does it, but the girls lose their minds, as expected.

"Getting a massage is my favorite thing in the world." -Ben, to the next girl in line who didn't think to give him a massage. #subtweet

Let's talk about Amber. This is her third attempt on a Bachelor/Bachelor-affiliated show. But somehow she is STILL SO BAD AT THIS GAME. She is being such a drunk bully tonight. She tries to corner Jubilee and confront her about how annoying it is to keep losing on this show how Jubilee is an ungrateful snob. Jubilee rightfully gets defensive and upset but Amber continues to berate her IN FRONT OF BEN. What the F is happening here?! Ben defends Jubilee, but what he really needs to do is retract Amber's rose and send her some. What a b-nasty. I don't think she will stick around much longer.

I actually feel so bad for Ben. All he wanted from this cocktail party was for the women to console him in his time of need. Instead he had to deal with all these selfish betches and their trivial problems (cankles) and emotional baggage (crippling insecurity).

Ben is finally able to sit down for a second. He takes a deep breath to relax and is interrupted by surprise Lace, which is both the worst kind and the most frequent kind of Lace. She pulls him aside and eliminates herself with one last tearful monologue, in which she quotes advice from a tattoo. From her own body. In that moment Lace erodes what little credibility she has left.

"It's just like my tattoo says, 'You can't love someone else until you truly love yourself.'"

Bye, Lace. See you in Paradise.

Ben eliminates Jami and Shushanna, surprising no one. He gives Olivia The Final Rose - saving best for last, according to Olivia. Still a little bit of fat to trim from this group, but we are getting close!

Signing off now from New Orleans, but not without one last peanut gallery contribution (Julie and I are the peanut gallery tonight).

"I just want to go on a date with Chris Harrison. Can someone just make that happen please?"
"Yeah, if only you could go on Make a Wish without, like, having to die."

I'm going to hell. Meet you there?

Shoutout to boxed wine.

Check your rosters and standings to see how your pool is faring. As far as eliminations go, this week ruined the few perfect teams that were left. One team is, hilariously, already out (Team Hanna from Hoes in Different Area Codes). Better luck next season, Hanna! You'll receive your cheap wine shortly.

Jubilee REALLY kicked some Bach butt this week

We enjoy positive reinforcement. Let us know how much you adore us in the comments. Trash talking is also highly encouraged.

Can't wait for the rest of the season to unfold! It looks like it's going to be a...

ROLLER COASTER RIDE.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie

League Co-Commissioners

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Ben H Week Two: Hey We All Just Met You, And Lace Is Crazy

Hello my little popsicles. Elizabeth here this week. I'm still reeling from the success of Draft Night, but super jazzed to be back on the blog. Let's jump right in, shall we? I'm not one for small talk.

Except for one thing. Check out this impressiveness from long time league member, Rob S. Our first (and sometimes favorite) male participant!

You go, Glen Coco.

Lace is off and running, already talking about getting a rose and a ring? You barely got a rose in Week 1, honey. Don't count your diamonds before the Neil Lane egg hatches. Slow your roll. 

Now onto the first date of the season! It's a group date at Bachelor High where they compete to be Homecoming Queen. The girls are all reminiscing about their own homecoming experiences. They're all, "OMG I remember high school back in the day   right before I came on the show   still working on my GED off camera."

These pipsqueaks are way too young to be reminiscing.

Principal Harrison makes some announcements over the PA system. He’s my favorite princi-PAL. 

The girls pair off to make Ben's love volcano erupt. Please hire the intern who came up with that one. She can stay.

They proceed to make out with each other/bob for apples. Jackie wishes she had a bigger mouth for...apple bobbing.

The final test is to place the state of Indiana on a map. They fail miserably, making us all look bad. Even Amber, WHO IS FROM CHICAGO, can't get it right. Becca takes the cake though and basically turns it into Pennsylvania, upgrading Indiana from Worst State in America to Fourth Worst State in America (sorry, Julie's mom.)

Mandi and Amber are the final pair standing, and face off in a hurdles race for the prize. Mandi schools Amber (and btw is actually legit AF), winning one-on-one time with Ben aka one lap around the track in a car. It was so boring they didn't show us any of it.

At the wrap party, Morals and Values (Jennifer + her boobs) gets the First Real Kiss (+10)! The producers played that one up with the delayed music there at the end of the kiss. I'm feeling some real deal chemistry between them.

Back at the mansion...oh hey Olivia without makeup is a little insane and OH MY GOD OLIVIA’S MOUTH IS OUTRAGEOUS. OH. OH. WHAT. LOOK.

I can put my whole fist in my mouth. Wanna see? 

Ben, back on the group date: "I love being able to date with no distractions except for the distraction of dating 20 women at once."

JoJo frets about not having a lot of time with Ben, but then he takes her up on the helipad! You know who didn't get to go up on the helipad? Lace. Ben and JoJo have a super magical-looking kiss with his big manly hands on her neck ugh I hate my life. JoJo gets a rose! Snaps for JoJo. 

Next up is the one-on-one date with Kevin Hart, Ice Cube and Caila.

We learn that before the show started, Ben was afraid everyone would walk away once they met him. That’s literally what would happen if I were the Bachelorette. All the dudes would ghost. Chris Harrison would break the news to me by saying “Elizabeth, the men have left. They did not take a moment to say their goodbyes. You can write about these 25 men in your book called Quit Dating Dweebs, but maybe just one chapter for the lot of them. Now take a moment and say your goodbyes. But it's just me here. Because everyone ghosted."

Srsly, ghosting is not okay.

Caila earns some hot tub points! Plus a bonus of naked Kevin Hart. During dinner we find out that Caila has some depth to her, which makes up for their dinner table which has no depth. Seriously, they're sitting next to an actual 4-top with ample room for two plates and six wine glasses. Y'all can't make this any more believable? Come on. Then they get a private concert from Amos Lee. You can tell that Ben really is loving it because he's singing all the words to Caila. Presh. Caila gets a rose. Snaps for Caila.

Another group date, and all the girls recite the science-y spiel from the Love Lab. No one paid attention. They put everyone under a heat lamp with Ben to test their compatibility. Real scientific. 

Twins: "I dont know much about science anything."

The less hot twin actually says, “I’m not very...smart.” #shocker

Then the "scientists" make them work out WITHOUT PONYTAIL HOLDERS which completely voids this entire experiment. One of my biggest pet peeves is when girls work out with their hair down. It's infuriating and it makes me question their judgment in all areas of life. After they sweat for a bit Ben smells them to test out their pheromones. Samantha apparently smells sour :( In her defense, Ben probably meant something along the lines of "tart" but made an unfortunate word choice there. Samantha is a self-fulfilling prophecy and gets pretty sour about it. #SourPussSamantha #ew #notsorry 

Question: Did the twins get the same score? 

We learn that Shushanna came to the US from Russia with two pairs of shoes and two bottles of vodka.

Olivia: "If Ben is a believer in science then maybe we should take this test seriously."

Other girls: "BEN BELIEVES IN JESUS, OLIVIA. NOT SCIENCE. THOSE ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE. OBVIOUSLY."

Amanda the MILF reveals her surprise children. *points!* (To clarify for all you doubters, the children were revealed to Ben after the first night, and therefore were a surprise to Ben. This is a very important life detail that she concealed for at least 24 hours. +8)

But mah girl Olivia gets the rose! Cue evil mastermind music. Because later, at the cocktail party, as if she hadn't already proven herself worthy of all the points, Olivia commits The Cardinal Sin: stealing Ben for one on one time, having already received a rose for the week.

*~!gAsP!~*

Everyone gets their panties in a wad about it. HOW DARE SHE. 

Olivia, casually: "I got my time, I’m done, so everyone can have at him! Good luck, bitches."

Girls, offended: "Um, Olivia, he's not a piece of meat."

Olivia is watching Lace with an "oh honey" face while Lace talks nonsense at her. Lace reminds me of Shoshanna from Girls. Anyone?

Lace talks to Ben AGAIN and opens the convo by calling herself crazy, just giving Ben more positive reinforcement for that fact.

Ladies, get your mouths under control. <-- I forgot what made me write this note and underline it but apparently they're all doing weird things with their mouths. #luckyben

Okay Ben and the MILF make barrettes for her kids Kensley and Jarlee Yardling ohhh Charlie. Ben 100% doesn’t know what barrettes are but DAMN IT THIS IS ADORABLE. Good on ya, interns.

The rose ceremony happens (YAY) and Ben makes some predictable choices. The producers give a rose to Lace. LB is offered a rose but declines and eliminates herself (+5)! A notable first in Bachelor History. I would stipulate that they have minimal/no chemistry because she started going by a nickname from the very beginning. Immediate nickname = immediate Friend Zone. Everyone knows that. If you didn't, you're welcome. I'm so conflicted because I'm earning self-removal points but she was on my team and I had high hopes for her! Bye, LB :(

Ben eliminates Jackie (who?), Mandi the dentist, and Sour Puss Samantha.

The point breakdown per contestant:

You may want to double-check our math. We spilled Pinot on the calculator.

Check your points and your updated rosters. Smack talk your league mates. Follow us on Twitter and get in touch if you're interested in being a guest blogger!

NEXT WEEK JULIE AND I WILL BE CO-BLOGGING! TOGETHER! FROM NEW ORLEANS. I am aware of the redundancies in that sentence but my excitement precludes grammatical correctness.

It feels so good to be back.

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth
Co-commissioner

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Ben H Week One: Gettin' Higgy Wit It

Welcome back, Baches!

It feels like years since the last time we were graced with the wise words of Chris Harrison, our Lord and Savior. He's back in all of his therapeutic glory and we couldn't be happier.

My winter just got 28 degrees warmer.

The Roses to Riches Fantasy League has grown exponentially since the amateur days of Desiree's season. We're up to over 70 players in 6+ states! We have satellite conferences in Nashville, Lexington, and New York City. Yours truly is playing in the Remote Conference (aka Hoes in Different Area Codes) with competition from all over the country. The Chicago Conference is up to 5 pools of players and even conducted their draft at a sponsor bar. Congrats, folks. We've hit the big time. If we get any bigger, we might have to institute a bowl playoff system with a totally biased selection committee.

Let's get down to business, shall we? Judging by the season previews, we are in for a classically dramatic season. Night one was no disappointment. Ben H's season is full of just enough weirdos to keep our game fun. Personal favorites from draft night include the crazy chicken lady, drunk girl already stirring up trouble, and Lil' Sebastian's hillbilly friend.

RIP lil' buddy. You will always be missed.

Can we halt for a moment and talk about how Ben H is 26 and from almost the same hometown as me? He might as well be all the losers I wanted to date in high school. I don't even pay my own cell phone bill yet and this kid is talking about marriage. How could a town an hour away produce Ben H but my hometown only produced meth-addicts and Best Buy employees? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

All angsty thoughts aside, Ben H is quite good at playing the Bachelor game. He and Christ Chris Harrison are already best bros, and as we learned from 'ole Juan Pablo, that is the key to success and positive PR.

Straight out of the limo some ladies make swift advances. Lace says "hi" with an awkward kiss (does not count for points.) Leah uses a football ruse as an excuse to hike up her dress and show off the goods. JoJo terrifies us all with a unicorn mask. Lauren R confessed her social media stalking skills. The twins say and do the exact same things all night, raising suspicions of cloning and/or robot parts.

Props go out to my girl Izzy for wearing a comfy pajama onesie to such an uncomfortable formal event. You da real MVP.

Becca and Amber, the two girls from prior seasons, show up fashionably late with smug got-this-in-the-bag expressions. Naturally, the other girls already hate them.

Speaking of hate, Lace has a fewww too many glasses of pinot and has already brought our her crazy and her claws. Instead of hiding her inner-lunatic for just one night like the rest of the contestants, she decides to start shit talking and asking Ben for more attention. Not the smoothest of moves. Lace turns out to be quite the point-cow, however, thanks to her knack for insulting others and stealing Ben during one-on-one times.

Lace is the type to burn all of your stuff because your phone died.

The first impression rose, and 10 beautiful points, goes to Olivia. She's was an obvious front-runner from her introduction, but the first impression rose, aka kiss of death, almost certainly means she doesn't win. I hope she has a contingency plan, because she quit her new anchor gig to embarrass herself on television.

Thank goodness ABC followed protocol this season and gave us a rose ceremony on the first night. They tried to get all tricky last season which just flared up my stress ulcer. The rose ceremony happens at what appears to be 6am. The gals are all nervous and Lace is having trouble standing up straight. Some surprising keeps, other than Miss Inebriation, are the mother of two and the girl who never spoke English.

Our eliminated one-night-wonders are:
Breanne (the gluten hater)
Tiara (crazy chicken lady)
Maegan (can we keep Lil' Sebastian?)
Izzy (onesie hero)
Laura (intelligent redhead - who saw that coming? Sorry, Eliz)
Jessica (I don't remember anything distinct about her)

Too bad, so sad ladies.

League members, check your points and rosters on your conference page. For the sake of efficiency, Lexington is listed as part of the Nashville Conference. Don't forget to send us your team name and Tweet your watch party photos to @RosestoRiches. The league is much more fun when trash talking is involved, so pool texts/emails are highly encouraged. Feel free to also leave those thoughts and feelings in the comment section of this post.

May the roses be ever in your favor.

Love and Roses,
Julie
League Co-commissioner

Special thanks this week goes out to Conor at Gaslight Pub in Chicago. We appreciate your patience, accommodating spirit, and sense of humor. We'll be back with bells on, if you'll have us! We may even bring you a rose.

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Calling All Participants!

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!

Yes, Christmas is coming - BUT ALSO THE BACHELOR. Registration is officially open for Bachelor Ben 2016, which starts one month from today. $20 to play, payable via Venmo or cash. For more details contact Elizabeth or Julie or any of the following league support members: Corinne, Emily, Mary Clare. Remote participants welcome! Goal is to spread the league nationwide. Tell all your friends and moms.

DEADLINE TO REGISTER IS DEC 31. Get your money in early to claim a spot in a pool - last year we had to turn people away and it was the most tragic.

It should be the most dramatic season of the Bachelor yet!

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