Rachel Week Three: Stripped of Clothes and Dignity

Welcome back, best friends. We're getting sooo close to Paradise season I can practically smell the cheap Caribbean rum! In the meantime....

We pick up back at the mansion mid-week two cocktail party as DeMario begs for a few extra seconds of groveling time.

He admits that he "didn't keep it real" with her about the whole girlfriend-who-he-didn't-recognize-but-definitely-had-intercourse-with and pleads his paper thin case. My girl Rachel subsequently rips him a new one in the classiest way this show has ever experienced, reaffirming that she's too good for this mess and that all of these men need to spend more time bowing down to her. What a week for feminism!! First, Wonder Woman kills at the box office, and now, our Bachelorette tells off a fuckboy while wearing a FABULOUS faux fur jacket. 

You know what's better? The guys are MORE attracted to her BECAUSE she's a strong woman who doesn't put up with nonsense. What a time to be alive!

The rest of the cocktail party is pretty uneventful. Jonathan uses some gigantic hands as a punny prop, securing his cushy friendzone position. Alex multitasks by solving a Rubiks Cube while wooing Rachel with his Russian accent. The rest of the guys are participating in the usual chest puffing.

Eug, I totally forgot Whaboom is still there. And because WB hasn't been cut loose yet, Blake is still whining about him NONSTOP. One or maybe both of them are wasted, or are just delusional because they "don't eat carbs." There's some nonsense spewed about Blake standing over WB's bed seductively eating a banana. Honestly, I stopped paying attention because I was busy googling how many carbs are in bananas. Turns out, not enough carbs for Blake E to justify not eating them. His alibi is weak at best. These losers have got to go.

I imagine it looked a lot like this.

Annnnnnnd the ABC gods producers shine down on us, because both Blake E and Whaboom get the boot during our rose ceremony, along with some guy whose name I don't even remember. Bonus entertainment for the night, the tension between Blake and WB finally boils over during their exit interviews, and the two get in the dumbest but most entertaining catfight I've ever witnessed. Blake goes on his litte high-and-mighty rant, and WB responds on theme with some casual mimicking and figurative dick measuring.

We move on to Week 3 and begin with a group date. The men get to spend some quality time with Ellen DeGeneres, who is on par with Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison in my book...

...until the contestants are introduced on her show and are made to strip & dance for the audience. My cheekbones are sore from all the cringing. It's horrible and makes me hate all of the guys (except Peter, who handled it gracefully and is the only guy I approve of at the moment). The crowd members are actually placing dollar bills in their waist bands, and the guys look like they've spent a little too much time perfecting their lap dances. Vom. 

ABC must be trying to capitalize on Magic Mike popularity. I hate it.

Thankfully, they put shirts back on to play Never Have I Ever with Ellen. We learn that naked selfies are more popular than my text history would suggest, Alex peed in the mansion pool, and Fred has a thing for older women. The men discover who has and hasn't kissed Rachel, which puts a lot of delightful pressure on the have-nots. 

Apparently Rachel forgives Alex for peeing in the pool, because after the commercial break we cut to the two of them making out. I assume we won't be having any pool parties in lieu of cocktails parties this season, thanks to this discovery.

Childhood bad boy, and non-romantic connection expert Fred finally kisses her, but Rachel can't get over seeing him as a kid. The poor guy is trying, and does appear to have grown up, but reciprocation just doesn't happen for him. She's not into it and doesn't see him as an adult. Fred gets the overdue boot mid-date, earning a few unceremonious elimination points.

Bye, bye, Freddy boy.

One-on-one date this week is with Anthony. They ride horses down Rodeo drive, taking their horses IN to the fancy stores. Quite unsanitary. They're constantly yelled at and photographed by strangers on the street, as if they're real celebrities.

Later on the two have a cute little chat and Anthony gets the first private concert. It's a classy jazz band - NOT a C-list artist as per usual, so I'm pleasantly surprised. Anthony is showing himself to be more attractive.

Back at the ranch, Eric is beginning a downward spiral. Each time we see him his clothes get sloppier and his posture slouchier. With a little poking from Iggy, he loses his cool and starts shouting about nothing earning his first verbal altercation points of the night. Things are only going to get more stressful, and as the previews have warned us, he doesn't handle it well.

Second group date of the week. Did Rachel specify to producers that she wanted a stripper husband? Because the men are dancing on the pole in the bus. That's two clear stripper-like events of the week. What is going on?

^filmed at the season's Bachelor auditions.

Rachel's "squad" (HATE that word) is here to help vet the men. We get Raven, Corinne, Alexis, and Jasmine for a little more screen time to boost their Instagram ad businesses. Raven is wearing a shirt that is business in the front and nothing in the back. Bold choice, wingwoman.

The date is mud wrestling, which is sure to bring out the sensitivity and kindness nastiest competitive nature of the men. The mud, however, looks more like modeling clay than anything. Does the constant drought state keep them from making real mud in California?

Kenny, you're cute when I forget that you're a professional wrestler. Stop going out of your way to remind me. It kills the magic.

Speaking of magic, Brady's hair didn't move throughout the whole wrestling match. It stayed perfectly styled a la Ken doll. I sense some hair product ads in his Insta-future.

Elf boy, aka Bryce (whose ears are too pointy for comfort) somehow beats professional wrestler Kenny at mud wrestling. I blame the modeling clay. By the time they fought, Kenny was hardening into a high school pottery class project.

Things got dirty.

Once the guys are all cleaned up we get a fun-filled cocktail party.

FUN FACT: Kenny, the professional wrestler from Las Vegas, also used to be a Chippendale. A modern renaissance man in the worst kind of way. I'm now 100% convinced Rachel's list of partner qualities was: over 6ft tall, likes strong women, & aspiring or retired stripper. The girl is full of surprises.

Earlier in the day Lee and Bryce talked some shit about Eric, and naturally Rachel tells Eric allllll about it during their precious one-on-one time. I fill my glass of wine in preparation for the upcoming confrontation.

Eric has a little chat with the shit talkers under the bus, which is where Rachel threw them. Bryce uses his elfin magic to deflect all negativity away. He basically says "Yea, bruh, I think you're total Wrong Reasons, but you can't be mad at me about it." Eric says "Yea, you're right. I don't want you to tell your boss to put me on the naughty list" and then directs all of his anger towards Lee. Lee gives off that dirtbag vibe (as the internet has already figured out) so he and Eric are now mortal enemies.

For real though, ^those^ are Bryce's ears!

Rachel, who I can only assume likes to keep the guys on their toes, ignores all warnings and gives Eric the group date rose anyway.

On to the cocktail party, Iggy joins back in on the We Hate Eric party. He uses his Rachel time to shit talk. Not only is this a traditionally bad strategy, but Eric ALREADY HAS A ROSE. What is end game here? It's not like you're convincing her to drop him instead of you...shit talking Eric does nothing to help you stay until tomorrow. Plus, you know Rachel is just going to run straight to Eric and tell him what you said...which is EXACTLY what she does.

Eric, rose in tow, rallies the troops in the living room to tell them off. There is a lot of shouting about names-in-mouths, and Eric seriously loses his cool as we coast into another cliff hanger.

Or expect to get called out.

Check your points and please note that tonight we saw Week 2's rose ceremony, and next week points will be added for Week 3.

Love and roses,
Julie