Rachel Week Nine: Fantasy Despasuitos

Hi there, Eliz here. Welcome to the highlight of your week. This ep begins with Rachel throwing us a curve rose. She wants the guys to meet her family before she has sex with all of them. What a novel idea! Good for you, Rachel. I APPLAUD YOUR CLEAR-EYED STRATEGY.

Alternatively, WWTTD? (What Would Tami Taylor Do?)

Rachel: "If you wanna be my lovah, you gotta get with my fam."
Guys: -______-

Peter's up first and they go baby clothes shopping for Rachel's preggo sister, Constance. Peter understands how children's clothing sizes work and wants to dress the kids in matching outfits. HELLO MARRIAGE MATERIAL PETER I AM READY FOR YOU!!!!!

We learn that Peter's parents got engaged after a month, which means that Peter is open to The Process. Not the best logic, but we'll let it slide. He says a lot of nice things about Rachel and the whole family falls in love with him.

Constance's husband asks Peter what Rachel's weaknesses are. It reminds me of the time I interviewed at Anthropologie as a 16-year-old.

Peter: "She loves customer service TOO much, she folds clothes TOO perfectly, she's TOO obsessed with accessorizing and layering."

Peter wins, done and done and done. This meet-the-family date has set the bar veeery high for all my future meet-the-family dates.

And those standards have now been raised by Peter.

Eric is next. He's so nervous it's making me nervous. He and Rachel have a pre-family huddle and it literally ends with "okay bring it in (for a kiss)." It's so friend-zoney and it makes me fear that Eric might not get a rose this week.

Despite the ENORMOUS HURDLE of never having been in love before, Eric wins over Constance with his earnestness and awkwardly asks Rachel's mom, Kathy, for Rachel's hand in marriage. Kathy basically says, "If that's what Rachel wants, then sure. Fine." We know this answer is code for, "I know that's not what Rachel wants, but I still have to respond in a kind and gracious manner."

When Bryan gets his turn, he and Rach wear their matching watches and it's gross. I know I was all in favor of matching baby clothes, but matching watches is too much. Do less, Bryan.

You're on the slippery slope to matching GRACE tattoos, Bryan.

They go to brunch with Rachel's girlfriends, where Rachel confesses that her first impression of Bryan was that he was a douchebag. Rachel!!! You have good instincts! LISTEN TO THEM.

Bryan learns that Rachel's uncle is a doctor. He makes a mental note not to refer to himself as a physician, as he had been doing previously. Related: for a chiropractor, he has remarkably slouchy posture.

Take a cue from the Queen, Bry.

Ugh, they start talking and Bryan immediately launches into his schmoozy spiel about how amazing he thinks he is. Kathy slams the brakes on this soliloquy by asking whose side Bryan would take in a dispute between his hypothetical wife and his mommy dearest. After some serious deliberation, Bryan reluctantly chooses wife. Rachel is "low key annoyed" at her family for pointing out how awful Bryan probably is.

Kathy: "I asked the hard questions and Rachel didn't like it but THAT'S WHAT SHE SIGNED UP FOR!"

Kathy ^

This is so uncomfy to watch. The fam is grilling Bryan and he's getting burned to a crisp. In an unprecedented move, he excuses himself from the table mid-convo. Rachel's nostrils are flared wide open so you know this shit is real.

In a separate convo, Constance's husband refers to Bryan as "this individual" which really shows how much they care about him. Bryan's date ends pretty unceremoniously. He gets the same "sure, fine" answer from Kathy re: marriage.

Time for Fantasy Suites but jeeeeeez, it feels like we've been watching this for like 3 hours already. We don't usually get three family dates and I'm exhausted.

Vamos a España.

Eric's date is first. They fly in a helicopter. He looks v attractive. Especially in that pea coat?!?! DAMN SON. Real talk, I LOVE a man in a pea coat. It shows a mature and stylish approach to the very practical matter of dressing for cold weather. Like, what am I even supposed to do with a dude who throws on a couple hoodies and a rain coat when the temps dip below freezing? I can't take that guy to my work Christmas party. I can't even take that guy to Trader Joe's. But a man with a pea coat is a man with foresight and dignity and class. And with the collar flipped up? I meannnnnnnnn. Game over.

They bone (or so we are led to assume). I really like Eric but I don't think he's the one for her. Sad face.

Next, Peter and Rachel go to a winery. After lots of hemming and hawing Peter says he might not be ready to get engaged. Rachel says he better be READY AF to get engaged, or else.

Rachel: "I didn't come this far to not get that Neil Lane rock on Friday."

How Rachel feels about getting engaged.

How Peter feels about getting engaged.

We don't get to see if Peter and Rachel bone because ABC is a mean jerk. We won't know for sure until two weeks from now, after we get through the garbage ep that is Men Tell All. Per usual, we'll pretend MTA doesn't exist - it does not count for any league points and there will be no blog post. Save yourself the misery and do something productive with those two hours. Report back with the amazing things you accomplish!

This week was a pretty low-scoring ep, but check your standings and then leave me some love in the comments. I need it.

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth

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Rachel Week Seven: I Like Black

This week we have a guest blogger, and I couldn't be more pleased. Audrey is a Roses to Riches OG and current captain of the Chicago Suburbs Pool: We're Not That Historic. Check out her delightful writing below and leave some love in the comment section.




I am both thrilled and honored to go down in the books as an official Roses to Riches^TM guest blogger. And I am thanking Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison that we have a regular episode this week and not a TWO-PART TWO-NIGHT EPIC BACHELORETTE EVENT. (Although I would love to have read the sassy letter that our fabulous Commissioners would have sent to ABC.)

We open on the beautiful Geneva landscape, and the pressure of The Process is growing by the minute. This is the last week before hometowns, so we will be down to our Final Four by the end of the night, and Rachel remarks that she is having feelings. It’s go-time, folks.

The men arrive at their new Geneva digs, and Eric declares that he is “feelin’” Rachel. I would comment on the rest of the opening chit-chat from the guys, but there was a local thunderstorm warning in the corner of my TV, so I couldn’t see the title cards for the first 5 minutes of the ep and had totally forgotten what Adam and Matt’s names were. That’s my bad.

Rachel invites Bryan on a one-on-one date in front of all the other guys. Awk. Adam is salty that he isn’t getting “his time,” but I’m distracted by how oddly disheveled/tired he looks in every single talking head shot this season. (See that? My film degree is finally useful!)

Rachel and Bryan hop into a Bentley, which I appreciate because I know how cheap plane tickets to Europe have been lately and the producers have been skimping on the travel budget.

Rachel: This is Switzerland so we have to go to the watch store.

Bryan: I like black

Rachel: Lolz clearly you do wink wink. *buys him the watch because that’s how she rolls*

Thrilled with their new purchases, they make out while the shopkeeper watches them. (Heh. Get it? I’ll show myself out.) And if that wasn’t awkward romantic enough for you, they make out on a boat as well, woo!

At "dinner" they discuss normal human things like where they went to school, but Bryan kind of makes it weird by asking Rachel if she went to an all-girl’s school and about her school uniform. He also thinks that Rachel would get along with his family, but shares that his last serious relationship ended because of his mother. Can you spot the red flag?

Bryan gets the rose, but I am def concerned for Rach if she ends up with him and his mom is a nightmare. They make out excessively to a lovely violin serenade. It is way too much tongue making out, but this date is classy AF and I dig it.

Meanwhile, the salty guys back at the hotel are still salty. Even Peter is mad that Bryan got another date. You are the frontrunner, Peter, stfu. The date card arrives, and Dean is up. His voice says he’s excited, but his face says the opposite – he’s worried about bringing Rachel home because his relationship with his family isn’t the best. *foreshadowing*

It’s Dean time! Rachel is rocking a beautiful blue coat, and they go to Catholic Mass in French. This is lovely and I approve 100% of all church-going activities, but if you’ve never been to a Mass before, another language is gonna be the MOST confusing.

They have coffee and pastries afterward and talk to a married couple and it’s totes adorbs. I love the rainy, romantic vibe of this date, and props to Rachel for dancing in those stilettos on cobblestones – I would’ve immediately bitten it.

Things get a little awkward when Rachel wants Dean to talk about the added pressure of The Process and how he feels, but he dodges her questions and giggles like a cartoon character. He finally shares that his father wasn’t there for him and has “become more eccentric” since his mother passed away. He doesn’t want Rachel to judge him on his family, which is a difficult adult convo to have, so I have to give Dean credit. Families are tough sometimes, yo.

Having met the “opening up” criterion of one-on-one dates, Rach gives him the rose. Dean is very sweet and funny, but he’s also young and still has some stuff to work through. Also, she made out with him wayyyy less than with Bryan. Just sayin’.

Rachel notes that as The Process progresses, things are only going to get harder and harder and she’s going to go deeper and deeper with the guys. Am I immature or does Rachel need to stop phrasing things that way? #fantasysuites

Helicopter time with Peter! They arrive at an amaze-balls glacier, jump into a dogsled, and “mush.” The glacial landscape is gorgeous, but jeez Louise it looks cold and miserable. Have you ever tried to be cute on date when you’re bundled to the gods and your nose is running down your face? Not adorable.

While sitting in the snow, Peter, like a normal human being, voices doubts about The Process but says that his connection to Rachel gets him through the “dark days.” His Wisconsin accent also comes through a bit here – must be the Midwestern-esque climate making him feel at home – which makes me giggle until I remember that I have the same accent. #ohheyder

Cut to dinner, where Peter has ice in his wine, which is fundamentally offensive to me. Unless it’s actually a brandy old-fashioned in a wine glass (Wisconsin friends, holla @ me).

My husband clearly has a man crush on Peter: “His voice is just so…low and grizzly…”

Me:

In his low grizzly man voice, Peter tells the story of how his last relationship ended, and it gets pretty emotional. I love it when a man cries about his ex during a date...said no woman ever. Peter’s honesty “scares” Rachel – she worries he won’t be ready to get down on one knee at the end of The Process AKA he will act like a normal human being in a normal human relationship.

Side note: C’mon ABC – this fake-out editing is getting a little ridiculous. We didn’t believe for a second that Rachel was the one with “tears streaming down her face.” #eyeroll

Peter wants to know if Rachel has any questions or concerns, and she just really really likes him. He says he’s “definitely along that path” in reference to the word “love.” Slow. Clap.

He gets the rose for “going deeper” and they make out on the balcony. I predict that he’s going to keep her at arms’ length as long as he can. He’s like that hot bartender that you’re really into because he’s hot but he’s def not gonna text you back and will probably hit on your friends.

Meanwhile, the next date card shows up and Dean reads it in a grave voice: “Tomorrow will be difficult. That’s all I have to say.” Adam “does not like" the word "difficult" and has “not lived by that word his entire life.” #privilege

The remaining men head off to the group date – Adam is very confident that he already has the hometown date in the bag. I, and the rest of America, are not.

Rachel: This date will be difficult, but we’re going to France on a boat!

Men: Feigned enthusiasm, not 100% sure how it’s possible to get to France from Geneva?

At the French chateau with the awkward Devil’s Foursome, Adam starts yammering again about how he doesn’t like the word “difficult.” He says things can be “challenging” but not “difficult.” He is “challenging” my last nerve. These episodes are two hours long, bro – I am not interested in your weird preoccupation with semantics.

Eric says he can see how hard Rachel works and smooth-talks her into a kiss. I’m not sure she’s into it. Matt has a conversation about The Process with Rachel, and she starts crying, so we know immediately that Matt is going home. Matt is the real MVP of the episode for asking if he can take his champagne with him in the reject SUV. You have your priorities straight, my friend.

The rest of the night is quite awkward as a two-on-one. Adam is really excited. Rachel less so. Is Adam Italian? Or Greek? I feel like he’s Italian or Greek. Either way, he gets the axe.

Eric shares some of his backstory and tells Rachel that he needs someone who will be there for him – and that he’s 29 and has never brought a girl home to his family. But he gets the rose, hurrah! Rachel tearfully tells Eric that she’s excited to meet his family. End scene.

Next week, we’re heading to hometowns, then Spain! And that’s a dope shot of Rachel in a vineyard. Can I get some of that for my Insta?

MUCH DRAMA TO COME, FRIENDS. It’s been a pleasure blogging for you all!

Peace, love and roses,
Audrey

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Rachel Week Three: Stripped of Clothes and Dignity

Welcome back, best friends. We're getting sooo close to Paradise season I can practically smell the cheap Caribbean rum! In the meantime....

We pick up back at the mansion mid-week two cocktail party as DeMario begs for a few extra seconds of groveling time.

He admits that he "didn't keep it real" with her about the whole girlfriend-who-he-didn't-recognize-but-definitely-had-intercourse-with and pleads his paper thin case. My girl Rachel subsequently rips him a new one in the classiest way this show has ever experienced, reaffirming that she's too good for this mess and that all of these men need to spend more time bowing down to her. What a week for feminism!! First, Wonder Woman kills at the box office, and now, our Bachelorette tells off a fuckboy while wearing a FABULOUS faux fur jacket. 

You know what's better? The guys are MORE attracted to her BECAUSE she's a strong woman who doesn't put up with nonsense. What a time to be alive!

The rest of the cocktail party is pretty uneventful. Jonathan uses some gigantic hands as a punny prop, securing his cushy friendzone position. Alex multitasks by solving a Rubiks Cube while wooing Rachel with his Russian accent. The rest of the guys are participating in the usual chest puffing.

Eug, I totally forgot Whaboom is still there. And because WB hasn't been cut loose yet, Blake is still whining about him NONSTOP. One or maybe both of them are wasted, or are just delusional because they "don't eat carbs." There's some nonsense spewed about Blake standing over WB's bed seductively eating a banana. Honestly, I stopped paying attention because I was busy googling how many carbs are in bananas. Turns out, not enough carbs for Blake E to justify not eating them. His alibi is weak at best. These losers have got to go.

I imagine it looked a lot like this.

Annnnnnnd the ABC gods producers shine down on us, because both Blake E and Whaboom get the boot during our rose ceremony, along with some guy whose name I don't even remember. Bonus entertainment for the night, the tension between Blake and WB finally boils over during their exit interviews, and the two get in the dumbest but most entertaining catfight I've ever witnessed. Blake goes on his litte high-and-mighty rant, and WB responds on theme with some casual mimicking and figurative dick measuring.

We move on to Week 3 and begin with a group date. The men get to spend some quality time with Ellen DeGeneres, who is on par with Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison in my book...

...until the contestants are introduced on her show and are made to strip & dance for the audience. My cheekbones are sore from all the cringing. It's horrible and makes me hate all of the guys (except Peter, who handled it gracefully and is the only guy I approve of at the moment). The crowd members are actually placing dollar bills in their waist bands, and the guys look like they've spent a little too much time perfecting their lap dances. Vom. 

ABC must be trying to capitalize on Magic Mike popularity. I hate it.

Thankfully, they put shirts back on to play Never Have I Ever with Ellen. We learn that naked selfies are more popular than my text history would suggest, Alex peed in the mansion pool, and Fred has a thing for older women. The men discover who has and hasn't kissed Rachel, which puts a lot of delightful pressure on the have-nots. 

Apparently Rachel forgives Alex for peeing in the pool, because after the commercial break we cut to the two of them making out. I assume we won't be having any pool parties in lieu of cocktails parties this season, thanks to this discovery.

Childhood bad boy, and non-romantic connection expert Fred finally kisses her, but Rachel can't get over seeing him as a kid. The poor guy is trying, and does appear to have grown up, but reciprocation just doesn't happen for him. She's not into it and doesn't see him as an adult. Fred gets the overdue boot mid-date, earning a few unceremonious elimination points.

Bye, bye, Freddy boy.

One-on-one date this week is with Anthony. They ride horses down Rodeo drive, taking their horses IN to the fancy stores. Quite unsanitary. They're constantly yelled at and photographed by strangers on the street, as if they're real celebrities.

Later on the two have a cute little chat and Anthony gets the first private concert. It's a classy jazz band - NOT a C-list artist as per usual, so I'm pleasantly surprised. Anthony is showing himself to be more attractive.

Back at the ranch, Eric is beginning a downward spiral. Each time we see him his clothes get sloppier and his posture slouchier. With a little poking from Iggy, he loses his cool and starts shouting about nothing earning his first verbal altercation points of the night. Things are only going to get more stressful, and as the previews have warned us, he doesn't handle it well.

Second group date of the week. Did Rachel specify to producers that she wanted a stripper husband? Because the men are dancing on the pole in the bus. That's two clear stripper-like events of the week. What is going on?

^filmed at the season's Bachelor auditions.

Rachel's "squad" (HATE that word) is here to help vet the men. We get Raven, Corinne, Alexis, and Jasmine for a little more screen time to boost their Instagram ad businesses. Raven is wearing a shirt that is business in the front and nothing in the back. Bold choice, wingwoman.

The date is mud wrestling, which is sure to bring out the sensitivity and kindness nastiest competitive nature of the men. The mud, however, looks more like modeling clay than anything. Does the constant drought state keep them from making real mud in California?

Kenny, you're cute when I forget that you're a professional wrestler. Stop going out of your way to remind me. It kills the magic.

Speaking of magic, Brady's hair didn't move throughout the whole wrestling match. It stayed perfectly styled a la Ken doll. I sense some hair product ads in his Insta-future.

Elf boy, aka Bryce (whose ears are too pointy for comfort) somehow beats professional wrestler Kenny at mud wrestling. I blame the modeling clay. By the time they fought, Kenny was hardening into a high school pottery class project.

Things got dirty.

Once the guys are all cleaned up we get a fun-filled cocktail party.

FUN FACT: Kenny, the professional wrestler from Las Vegas, also used to be a Chippendale. A modern renaissance man in the worst kind of way. I'm now 100% convinced Rachel's list of partner qualities was: over 6ft tall, likes strong women, & aspiring or retired stripper. The girl is full of surprises.

Earlier in the day Lee and Bryce talked some shit about Eric, and naturally Rachel tells Eric allllll about it during their precious one-on-one time. I fill my glass of wine in preparation for the upcoming confrontation.

Eric has a little chat with the shit talkers under the bus, which is where Rachel threw them. Bryce uses his elfin magic to deflect all negativity away. He basically says "Yea, bruh, I think you're total Wrong Reasons, but you can't be mad at me about it." Eric says "Yea, you're right. I don't want you to tell your boss to put me on the naughty list" and then directs all of his anger towards Lee. Lee gives off that dirtbag vibe (as the internet has already figured out) so he and Eric are now mortal enemies.

For real though, ^those^ are Bryce's ears!

Rachel, who I can only assume likes to keep the guys on their toes, ignores all warnings and gives Eric the group date rose anyway.

On to the cocktail party, Iggy joins back in on the We Hate Eric party. He uses his Rachel time to shit talk. Not only is this a traditionally bad strategy, but Eric ALREADY HAS A ROSE. What is end game here? It's not like you're convincing her to drop him instead of you...shit talking Eric does nothing to help you stay until tomorrow. Plus, you know Rachel is just going to run straight to Eric and tell him what you said...which is EXACTLY what she does.

Eric, rose in tow, rallies the troops in the living room to tell them off. There is a lot of shouting about names-in-mouths, and Eric seriously loses his cool as we coast into another cliff hanger.

Or expect to get called out.

Check your points and please note that tonight we saw Week 2's rose ceremony, and next week points will be added for Week 3.

Love and roses,
Julie

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