Nick V Week Eight: Needs More Ja Rule--I Mean--Chris Harrison

Happy Tuesday, y'all. Eliz here. Sorry to disappoint, but Sam's Roses to Riches cameo has ended for now. But not without a casual tripling of our regular page views. If you're a Sam Fan, PLEASE STAY. We love you.

This episode picks up where we left off, with a tragic recap of Kristina's departure. A reminder to Kristina, wherever you are: You are WAY too good for Nick. Always know that.

Corinne is convinced she's going home. However, she's only got one arm pulled through her jacket sleeves so I'm automatically discrediting everything she says.

Goals?

Rachel: "The situation is that four people will get a hometown date and there are four people left."
Corinne: "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN."

Corinne: "Nick comes in with roses but I can't count so I don't know how many there are. Also I run a multi-million dollar company."

Turns out, Nick has brought four roses in and gives one to each remaining girl! I AM SO SHOCKED AT THIS TURN OF EVENTS.

This casual af Rose Ceremony reminds me of Season One, when they all used to sit on the couch in their slacks and turtlenecks (for real) while Alex Michel handed out leafy, thorny roses (for real) in his baggy, late-nineties suit (FOR REAL). Fifty seasons later: a lot less fabric, but otherwise exactly the same. This show hasn't aged a bit. Neither has Chris Harrison.

Speaking of, where is that sneaky little devil? We haven't seen him since, what, New Orleans? Was he even in St. Thomas? Is ABC grandfathering him out so they can replace him with Nick? I mean, their cumulative screen time across all seasons has to be pretty similar by this point. Come back, Chris Harrison. I need you. America needs you.

First hometown visit is Hoxie, Arkansas with That's So Raven. This date is straight out of MTV's Buckwild, aka every Arkansas country boy's wet dream. Boy meets girl. Girl arrives to date on a 4-wheeler in Daisy Dukes and a slinky white crop top. Boy and girl go muddin' on the 4-wheeler, roll around in the bog and climb a grain bin. A modern day romance, I tell ya.

A cop pulls up to give them some grief about climbing on the grain bin. Nick looks pretty nervy until we find out that the cop is actually Raven's brother! Let's all act surprised together. On the count of three...

They meet Raven's parents. Raven's mom chooses this moment to announce that Raven's dad is cancer-free! Nick claps embarrassingly loud but we're happy for them. It's emotional and sweet. Raven visits with Mom and Nick visits with Dad. Tbh, between Nick's mumbling and all the Southern accents, some parts of these convos desperately need subtitles. The cop brother has disappeared. Someone's climbing the grain bin again.

Nick doesn't waste any time with small talk and asks Raven's dad for his blessing. He gets the green light.

One down, three to go.

Raven wants to say I Love You to Nick but she just can't do it yet. She's too afraid. That's SO Raven.

We're off to Dallas to see Rachel.

Good thing Nick is wearing a suit because Rachel takes him to CHURCH! YAS GIRL this makes me love her so much more. They get a special shout out from the pastor. Nick does impressively well. By that I mean that Nick is able to at least appear to be having an okay time. Pretty sure the last time he was in a church, he was snogging with Kaitlyn in the confessional. After typing that sentence I probably should see myself to a confessional...

Nick: "This is a little different from my church at home that I haven't been to in many years."

I have mixed feelings here. This date makes me really disappointed that Rachel doesn't win, but also SO EXCITED for her to be the Bachelorette.

Daddy Lindsay, a Texas Federal Judge, can't be at dinner because of work obligations. AKA he would like to maintain his legit legal career and also he's busy weeping for his daughter's future legal career.

1000% guarantee that he is actually there but they're just cutting out his scenes because he wouldn't sign the release form.

They meet the fam bam. Younger sister Heather looks JUST like Rachel. Older sister Constance is married to "a white." His words, not mine. Apparently the Lindsay family motto is, "You don't need to have black skin, but you need to have thick skin." I love that. Hey, totally random question: does Rachel have a brother who is maybe also hiding off screen while clutching his law degree for dear life? Asking for a friend...

Can I marry into this family?

They have multiple serious conversations about race. I would say this is an historic moment for this franchise but that technically would be inaccurate. Fun fact: the First Real Kiss in Bachelor History was between the Bachelor, Alex, and a black woman named LaNease. They discussed race briefly and she made it pretty far. Another fun fact: that Bachelor only kissed like 7 of the 30 contestants that season. Imagine the havoc Corinne would have wreaked on that group! But I digress...

This hometown date with Rachel's family is a big effin deal. Very excited about what this means for future seasons/humanity. Rachel's mom expresses her approval of Nick. A little sad because we know it's about to end for Rachel (and she's the one remaining contestant on my team), but I can't wait to watch her again next season. I'M A SUCKER, OKAY.

Next we go to Miami! Cuban music plays in the background but I don't anticipate any local Cuban cultural experiences.

Corinne and Nick spend the day doing what Corinne does best: blowing through obscene amounts of money for no good reason. They go shopping at "the most exclusive mall in Miami." I think that means you definitely have to own the Visa Infinite Eurasian Diamond Card, which has a literal diamond embedded in the card. Easy.

Nick: "When Corinne walks into these stores it's like Christmas morning for the employees because now they can buy Christmas presents for their families with the commission they're about to make."

Nick jokes about having to pick up a few extra jobs to afford being Corinne's sig oth. Meanwhile, we're laughing because when he says "extra jobs" we know he just means "one real job" because INSTAGRAM IS NOT A JOB.

Nick tries on an ombre Juicy Couture haute couture track suit that costs a cool grand and a half. He doesn't buy it because it's too "Miami Soccer Dad" and he's not ready for that self-fulfilling prophecy. He ends up selecting a simple grey sweater made of unicorn hair, regular slim fit navy chinos that were hand-dyed with actual liquefied sapphires, and blue suede shoes that were dug up and retrieved from Elvis Presley's grave. Corinne signs away close to $3,500 on ONE outfit for Nick, which is more than I pay for three months' rent. As I scoff at them in disgust, I catch a glimpse of the last bite of my dinner: Sunday brunch leftovers. I shed a single tear into my glass of boxed wine.

At lunch, Corinne tells Nick she loves him. It's so awkward and forced. 10 reluctant points to Corinne.

They go to the family's high rise condo for dinner. Corinne's dad makes Nick eat a Greek olive that actually does look delicious. Unfortunately, Nick appears to detest olives. It takes him for.ev.er to chew and he kind of chokes a little while he grits through his teeth that it's the best. olive. he's. ever. had.

Run away fast, Nick. This is your future.

We finally meet the famous Raquel, who serves dinner and then does the Mom Chat with Nick. Raquel is underwhelming in a way that makes me want to organize a rescue operation to liberate her from this family's claws. Although, to be fair, based on Corinne's casual spending habits, Raquel probably makes more money than I ever will. Sooo... #worthit?

Corinne and her dad have girl talk on her bed, which is very uncomfortable to watch. Daddy is worried that Nick is a street urchin who won't be able to provide for Jasmine. Valid concern since Nick is currently unemployed.

During Nick's chat, Mr. Corinne teaches Nick how ergonomic wine glasses work. Nick is so appreciative. Now he finally knows what that little divot is! He does not move his thumb for the rest of the evening. After enduring a painful conversation about who will be the breadwinner, Nick gets the blessing from Corinne's dad. He's 2 for 3 at this point.

Nick says goodbye to Corinne and suddenly I start to feel sorry for her. It's pretty clear that she really has fallen in love with Nick and wants to end up with him. At the risk of sounding slut-shame-y, Corinne probably has never had a man engage in actual conversation with her so often without also having sex with her. He's the first person to tolerate like her for her--not just for her platinum vagine--and she definitely thinks he's the only one who ever will. Corinne! You have good things coming your way if you just grow the eff up. YOU ARE WORTHY OF HAPPINESS. YOU CAN REDEEM YOURSELF. I BELIEVE IN YOU.

Pretty impressed by my own mature opinions on this topic. I've come full circle with Corinne.

Nick saved the best for last, and we go to Montreal to reunite with Vanessa. "Oh, Canada" plays joyously upon our arrival. Now the national anthem of Genovia is stuck in my head.

They go to Vanessa's school and Nick is immediately overwhelmed with emotion.

Shout out to Skenny for this wonderful snap.

They make scrapbooks with Vanessa's students.

Nick: "It was so cool that the interns were able to figure out how to print photos in Canada!"

First they go to V's mom's house. Did we know her parents were divorced? This feels like new information. There are one million of Vanessa's EEEE-talian family members there, so Nick feels right at home. Just a regular Sunday dinner for the Viall fam.

Vanessa's mom: "What is special about Vanessa?"
Nick: "She thick."

The family's biggest concerns are: 1) What is Nick's actual job? 2) You live in different countries? 3) Can Nick think with his brain and not his dick?

We'd all like to know.

There's a 99% chance I have seen this house on Love It or List It. It looks so familiar.

Next they go see Dad. Nick doesn't beat around the bush and asks for permission to marry Vanessa right away. Vanessa's dad ultimately gives in and then immediately spills the beans to Vanessa that Nick also asked all the other parents the same question.

Ooooooo Nick's in trouble.

Nick should've pulled a Ben Higgins and called the parents of the winner right before he proposed. Like just leave em a voicemail: "Hey man, 'bout to propose to your daughter. We cool? Just text me."

Vanessa is ~*QuEsTiOnInG eVeRytHiNg*~. She's finally realized that she's in a competition with other people. Welcome to the world, baby girl.

They all meet up for the Rose Ceremony in Brooklyn, Nick's "favorite city in the world." Vanessa is pulling out ALL the stops with this dress. The competition is hers to lose at this point, but she doesn't see herself as the front runner anymore.

OH MY GAWD ABC ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS AMATEUR BULLSHIT CLIFFHANGER? How is it that I can love and hate you, a television network, with so much passion? Why you gotta do us like that? Like can't you just go on the Activia diet and get regular for once? Plus, this cutoff is particularly insulting because we all know that literally nothing about this Andi conversation will be hostile. Just get on with it already. We're invested, okay? We don't need these dumb antics anymore.

Check your points. Vanessa cried a bunch this episode. My teams are donezo. We're getting down to the wire.


Love and Roses,
Elizabeth