Oh my gawd, this shit is THREE HOURS tonight? Need to ration my Final Rose wine accordingly.
Nick's dad: "Going through this process with Nick was excruciating."
Forget you, Lena Dunham. Mr. Viall is the voice of our generation. |
Or just watch this show. |
Nick's...brother?: "These women can still say no to him and, given Nick's track record, it's pretty likely that they will."
Good to know your fam has your back, Nick.
How your family SHOULD act after a breakup. |
How Nick's family acts after his breakups. |
Ew, Vanessa why are you wearing cargo pants? Just because cargo pants are tight does not mean they are sexy. Cargo pants are only acceptable when on Safari. Or at least when you actually USE those extraneous pockets, which would probably only happen on Safari.
Vanessa has a convo with Mr. Viall. It ends with them both in precious father/maybe-future-daughter-in-law tears and there's not a dry eye in the house. To be fair, my eyes are the only eyes in the house, but it still counts.
Me: "I'm crying right now wtf."
Julie: "Are you watching with people or alone? My mom is disappointed in you."
Me: "Alone. Maybe I'm crying because I'm alone."
*The ep cuts to commercial. The accompanying song is "One Is the Loneliest Number."*
Ridin' that ERC. |
The family has mixed feelings about both women. The live studio audience is overwhelmingly Team Vanessa but they also hope he ends up alone. #savage
Vanessa and Nick have their final date. They ride horses and visit Santa Claus. Vanessa earns Metaphor Points for making one of the most far-fetched date/activity comparisons in Bachelor History. Vanessa likens believing in Santa to being in love with Nick. Which either means that A) Vanessa is a grown-ass woman who still believes in Santa OR B) Vanessa thinks that a future with Nick is utterly unrealistic and impossible but she's still holding out hope because in the meantime it's fun and you get
I'm sure you guys are gonna last forever. |
The date concludes. Nothing is resolved.
Raven gets her final date. She does her signature move, the Run and Jump™. She exclaims, "Ah! You caught me!" as if this is the first time she's ever done that signature move. IT'S CALLED A SIGNATURE MOVE FOR A REASON, RAVEN.
They ice skate to a soundtrack straight out of 2001. Like the good Midwestern boy he is, Nick is actually a VERY good ice skater, which is pretty impressive. Like, he can skate while carrying Raven in his arms. Maybe I should raise my standards from "could and would carry me out of a burning building" to "could and would ice skate with me in his arms away from a burning Finnish forest." Maybe that's unrealistic. Feel free to weigh in in the comments.
Nick disappears for a sec and reappears with husky puppies. We're all ded.
THEY'RE SO FLUFFY I'M GONNA DIEEEEE. |
Honestly, Raven, that's all anyone can hope for with
We learn that Nick is literally paralyzed by the stress of The Process. He cannot move his neck. Maybe that's because he's old AF and and he was doing tons of ice tricks today! You're no spring chicken, Nick V.
Raven is head over heels for Nick and it's tragic to watch.
Neil Lane arrives the door and Nick picks an engagement ring for the fourth time. We see an unprecedented level of camaraderie between Nick and Neil. Maybe because no one in Bachelor History has ever spent so much time with the ring guy.
Nick: "I don't know anything about engagement rings."
Sure you don't, Nick. |
She gives her speech and the imminent breakup is all. over. Nick's. face. How does she not see it? Why is she still talking? If I were giving a speech like that and I saw Nick's face, I'd start to course-correct immediately. "No? This isn't happening? BOY BYE." Throw deuces, grab my fur (and the sunscreen intern who's been seriously bored since we left Bimini), run back to the limo and peace the F out before anyone can earn betch tear points from me.
Nick breaks up with Raven. He cries more than she does. Raven and I are both over it.
Fun fact: when we were kids, my best and oldest friend Maggie and I used to play a game called Stoic. Like a staring contest but more intense. I was very good. So in case anyone was questioning my abilities, I'd have the stoic exit DOWN. PAT.
Raven's thinking about how easily she can remove her stilettos in this moment. |
Funner fact: Maggie is currently growing another human being inside her body and I write a blog about The Bachelor. So take what you will from that.
Raven's exit score is 1,000% a riff on Titanic's "My Heart Will Go On." I've played that enough times on piano to know that it's a near perfect harmony.
Vanessa arrives in a, frankly, subpar fur to Raven's. Nick proposes to Vanessa and she says yes. In the words of Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison, "It was one of the most anticipated proposals of all time in Bachelor History."
He proposed, she said yes, they're happy. Maybe.
After the Final Rose is a lot of waffling over whether they're happy, whether they're not. It's a bunch of nonsense and I really don't want to watch but my remote is far away and I'm comfortable on my couch. Also I'm a rationing pro and still have half a glass of wine left (barely). I hope they're happy, even though they don't quite seem to be. Honestly, I just want them to get married so I can stop seeing Nick on this damn television show. We're all ready to move on with our lives.
How both Nick and Vanessa are feeling. |
Congrats to the Roses to Riches winners and to the losers wine winners. Pool captains, if you have questions about payouts, get in touch with Julie or me. We'll help you out. It's been a hell of a season. Thanks for sticking with us, loyal readers. We love you so. See you in two months!
Love and Roses,
Elizabeth
hahaha they have funny gifs. The article you have written is very mind exploring. The week nicky and week ten comparison is quite interesting. I am totally inspired.
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