Nick V Week Six: Turnt Up Turnips

Greetings, Bachies. I'm writing this week from my parents' home in Indiana (about an hour away from our buddy Ben H). Yes, that means my mama and father are watching with me. That also means I had to settle for nasty sweet red wine my parents got as a gift two Christmases ago. The Suttons are beer people, not reality TV people, but I'm making do.

My father is pretending to not to pay attention but totally is. He pokes his head out from his historical fiction novel and chimes in with a "which one is she" every few minutes. Mama thinks all the girls have self esteem issues.

Quick little note since we had our lovely guest blogger, Jillian, last week: did anyone notice a certain commissioner in the background of Nick and Rachel's New Orleans date? That's right, I'm apparently connected enough in the New Orleans scene to be invited as an extra for Bachelor filming (New Orleans people will snort at that statement; every New Orleanian has been an extra in something in the past two years.) The episode was filmed the second week in October, and we got to enjoy the music stylings of LOLO, who is a huge Bach fan and all-around fabulous. Check her out.

So I'm basically part of the Bach cast family now, right?

The whole experience was hilarious, and before anyone gets all up in arms about my inside knowledge, I cleared my drafting eligibility with the Board of Directors who confirmed not enough actionable info was spoiled. Since I'm a celebrity now, let me know if an AMA is in order.

Taken while Rachel was whisked away for an interview immediately post-second line.

Back to the week at hand:

ABC brings us back to the end of the swamp tour/voodoo two-on-one. The lucky PA of the day gets to ominously remove Taylor's suitcase from the girls' hotel suite, but she's not going down without a fight. Taylor catches a ride to Nick and Corinne's date, gives him a quick warning about Corinne and clarification about herself.
"I'm not a bully" - Taylor
"Sure. Ok. Corinne is DTF tho. Swipe left." - Nick

Point-keeping housekeeping: Taylor received the 15 points for coming back after elimination because she came back to interact with the lead. This is based on a precedent ruling set last season when Chad came back after elimination and only spoke to the guys, but later Chase came back and actually talked with JoJo. The rule on Return After Elimination points is that the returning contestant must come back to interact with Nick after being dumped, instead of just taking the breakup with dignity. Direct all complaints ABC interns.

15 points ain't no joke.

Back at my ranch (JK, its a middle class midwestern home next to a cornfield), my mama thinks this show is awful, but she's proud that I'm winning my pool. My dad is confused about the format and why no one cheers when their friends get roses.

Nick cuts Jaimi, Alexis, and Josephine. No one is surprised, but I am sad to see Dolphin Girl go. She was the Dog Lover of our time. Pour one out for Alexis--but don't pour out the good wine, only the nasty sweet red. The rest of the contestants, finally trimmed down to 9, are headed to St. Thomas. Mama Sutton doesn't think any of the girls know where that is and finds all of the fake hugs amusing.

Side note: Chris Harrison apparently had a prior commitment for this scene and was not the one to announce the St. Thomas destination. Seeing Nick do it with such stilted and awkward enthusiasm just reaffirms all of my affection for Our Lord and Savior. Miss u, Chris.

More point-keeping reminders: Week Five points stopped here, and everything in St. Thomas counts for Week Six. If you haven't figured this annoying quirk out yet, you're not paying close enough attention to your points each week. Also, since we're now down to a single digit number of contestants, rose value will increase by one point each week. Week Six roses will count for two points.

Kristina gets the first one-on-one of the week, which begins with a sea plane ride to some ruins. We find out that she's one of eight children, plus she has a sibling back in Russia. Can you imagine trying to gather all of her and Nick's families together for a holiday? It'd be as crowded as Night One at the mansion!

Seriously, that's like 18 kids in the two families.

Jasmine is full of tears this week. She's bitter about not having a one-on-one date yet, which is justifiable considering Corinne is still there. She's beginning to spiral. Stay tuned.

Lorna the paid actress  housekeeper  highly offensive stereotype nanny (?) comes to visit the girls back at the penthouse. Corinne gets an entitled sparkle in her eye and quickly asks for dry cleaning services and nachos. I'm not at all ok with this. Poor taste, ABC.

Kristina tells a heartbreaking story about her childhood living with a negligent mom and then in an orphanage in Russia. I have zero snark in response to this because she has had a rough life and has overcome a lot. She's my new favorite and I now consider her too good for Nick.

Side note: my parents just realized this is a two hour show. They are less than pleased.

My dad would rather be watching American Pickers.

Group date to an island including a competitive volleyball game. The group gets nice and toasty, aka wasted. Viewers are gifted a shot of Jasmine pushing Corinne to the ground and oh how I wish this was elaborated on. The day started pleasantly, but ends with half the gang in tequila-inspired tears. FYI, Jasmine's push is NOT a physical altercation because it appears to be playful-ish roughhousing--not violent animosity.

"If Jasmine were a vegetable, she'd be a turnip, because she is turned all the way up." -That's SO Raven

Mix some tequila with jet lag and low self-worth, and VOILA: prime time entertainment.

Jasmine is quickly free falling into the land of self destruction via non-stop talking. She thinks she's the only girl not getting screen time validation. In a strange turn of events, she brings it up to him and then threatens to choke him in a maybe-kidding, sexually violent kind of way. Per Bachelor tradition, her complaining gets her booted off. More unceremonious elimination points!

My mom decides to go to bed at this point. Her loss.

Raven got the group date rose, but ABC didn't feel the need to include it in the final edit. Rude. Instead, we see three of the girls day-drunk hungover in bed with two empty bottle of Barefoot on the nightstand. Been there.

Danielle L and Whitney on this week's two-on-one. The girls are confused as to why they're pitted against one another when they haven't even bitched about each other. Lately, two-on-ones have been reserved for contestants that hate one another. What a twist!

The date is uneventful, much like Whitney's personality. Nick keeps Danielle L for the moment and they fly away, leaving Whitney marooned on the island, per usual.

Nick mumbles through the evening date. Danielle gives some of the dullest answers to decent questions:

"What are you looking for in a relationship, and don't say something that every relationship is supposed to have" - Nick
"Love and trust" - Danielle, aka D-Lo
"Did you not understand the question?" - Nick
"I think we're on the same page" - Delusional-Lo
*Nick's dead eyes look past her face into the distance*

Danielle gets dropped. He's just not that into her. Unceremonious elimination points for Dumped-Lo and another suitcase is dramatically removed from the penthouse. I'm super jealous of the PA that gets to do the suitcase removal. If that were me, I'd play some kind of dark, suspenseful music as I entered and exited.

^I'd dress like this too^

Post-date Nick stops by to see the girls, and you can tell a producer definitely woke them up for this moment. He's crying and they're hiding their un-made up faces. He whines about having to eliminate girls, and is worried that he doesn't actually like any of the girls but is just there for the a-a-a-a-a-a-alcohol... and Instagram fame.

Stupid ABC gives us another stupid cliffhanger. Producers, I was cool with it a few weeks ago, but I find your lack of formula disturbing. Cut some of the Corinne fluff and give us a Rose Ceremony at the end of next ep, pls.

This is a scream of anger. Not fear.

After the show I asked my dad for his thoughts. He spent several minutes describing the murder mystery novel he's pretending to read instead of watching Bach. I'd put money on him asking me who won a month from now.

That's all for me, folks. Check your points, complain and trash talk in the comments. Speaking of complaints, some whiners are unhappy with the absurd amount of points Corinne has won this season. I think this week balanced that out a bit--also, who could have predicted she'd stay on this long? Seriously, I would have put money on her being gone immediately following the whipped cream incident. People like her are why you need to draft your teams with a balance of crazy & longevity. Also, na-na-na-nana-na, I'm finally winning!

Love and Roses,
Julie

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Nick V Week Five: Whipped Cream and Lies

Hey, y'all. It's our pleasure to hand the blog over this week to none other than Jillian Wyatt! Jillian is a Nashvillian who has a blog of her own, called FauxFringe. Check that out after you're done reading this. She's a bomb writer and we are thrilled that she was able to contribute to Roses to Riches this week. Without further ado, I'll give you what you came here for: sassy words and sassy .gifs. Read on, my pretties. xoxo, eliz

It is truly great timing that I have the opportunity to blog this week’s episode for you. A mere two days ago, I ran into not one but two former Bachelor contestants in the same day: Luke Pell and America’s Sweetheart Wells Adams. Luke jogged by the Thompson Hotel where I was brunching, and Wells was filling up his vintage Toyota SUV with gas at an East Nashville gas station as I drove past! I have never felt more a part of the Bachelor Nation.

Not that I encourage stalking, but if you happen to be in the Nashville area and you want to know where you too might find Wells or Luke, I’d recommend looking here or here. 

Ok, now on to the show. This week, we are blessed not only to watch The Most Dramatic Episode Ever, but to have it be sponsored by Emma Watson’s Beauty and the Beast! I hope we see at least one yellow dress and a rose in a glass container. Oh! And a singing teapot. (We already know who the Beast is.)

Chris Harrison’s voice over reminds us that last week’s episode left off just as things were starting to heat up between Corinne and Taylor. We meet them where we last saw them, on a bench in a Wisconsin courtyard, and we dive straight back into the drama.

Both women are speaking in the highest-pitched, betchiest voices I’ve ever heard. “You’re, like, not emotionally intelligent, Corinne!” “I, like, literally run a multi-million dollar company, Tay-lor!” I’m pretty sure my neighbor’s dog is barking as a result of these high-pitched reverberations. 

Can't. Escape. The. Voices.

Off camera, Corinne voices her “genuine” concern for Nick. “I’m honestly worried for him,” she says. “Taylor is a bully. Plus she’s disgusting.”

Inside, all the girls are talking about Corinne and Taylor, including Alexis who – let’s face it – aren’t we all shocked that Shark Girl is still here?

In the courtyard, Corinne is pulling the most conniving move by planting deep seeds of doubt in Taylor’s mind. “It’s not just me. No one in this house likes you,” she smiles. “Fifty percent of the girls think you’re here for the wrong reasons.” Taylor looks dismayed. Oh, this cunning bitch is gooooood.

Then, Corinne puts the cherry on top by taking her “concerns” to Nick. “She’s different when you’re not around,” she blinks at him, doe eyed. Classic.

Now we’re at the Rose Ceremony. Yes, last week’s Rose Ceremony. (Are we going to have Rose Ceremonies that span into the following week every week? Because I’m kind of over it. Wrap it up in one episode, ABC!) Nick enters the room and thanks the girls for a “great week” literally three times. “This is the hardest rose ceremony yet,” he sweats, before saying thank you for a fourth time. 

Pro tip: This is much more becoming. Never let 'em see you sweat.

Four thank yous? Is this a sign of Stockholm syndrome? Or just a peek inside the psyche of an insecure bachelor? He does talk about Andi and Kaitlyn in every episode... All these thank yous come off like he’s pleading for the women to stay. “Don’t leave me alone. Again,” his eyes plead as he picks up the first rose.

He gives the rose to Whitney, who has yet to speak this season. The second rose goes to fellow Nashvillian, Danielle M. (yay for Over the Hill points!) Then Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine (who looks as stunned as I do), Vanessa, ALEXIS?! and Corinne. Now we’re down to the last rose, and oh! the tension! It’s for Taylor, which means lights out for Sarah and Astrid.

I’ll miss Sarah’s voluptuous lips and perfectly smudged eyeliner. And I’ll miss Astrid’s… wait, which one is Astrid?

As Sarah leaves the house, she weeps to the camera. “Love is all I want. It’s. All. I. Want.”

“Then go to the fcking grocery store and meet somebody!” my husband, who swears he hates this show, shouts from the couch next to me. Upon hearing himself speak out loud, he looks sheepishly at me, then down to his phone. “I’m just saying, the grocery store is a place she could meet a guy.” Uh huh. I knew he was a fan. I wouldn’t be surprised if he made an appearance as a guest blogger before this season’s through. (Editor’s note: sounds like he might have read last week’s post, too. Just saying.)

After a brief commercial break, we find that we’re no longer in Wisconsin; we’re in New Orleans! “I couldn’t be more excited about being here,” Nick deadpans into the camera in the most monotone voice of all time.

After jumping on all the beds in their penthouse hotel room, the girls gather to talk to Chris Harrison, who has just adopted the word “y’all” into his vocabulary. “Welcome to N’awlins, y’all! Let me tell y’all how it’s gonna go this week. Ya’ll fixin’ to have a one-on-one date, a group date, and a two-on-one date!” The ladies gasp.

“Two-on-one?” “I hope it’s not me!” “Did he just say ‘y’all’?” 

Chris leaves and the ladies open the date card. It’s a one-on-one for Rachel! Annoying Taylor confides that she would “really really really really like to have the one-on-one” which is the most obvious sentence spoken in the history of this show. Stupid bit—wait! Has Corinne turned me against Taylor, too?!

Rachel meets Nick in some sort of open-air market, and she bounces up to him when she sees him. She appears to be wearing a one-piece bathing suit under a pair of yellow shorts? But Nick doesn’t mind. They shop around and feed each other random things from spoons. Then, they shoot oysters on the half shell and I bet you $1,000,000 they’re going to make a joke about oysters being an aphrodisiac – yes! Yes, there it is.

Now they’re pouring hot sauce all over the oysters and I’M SORRY did Nick just blow his hot sauce breath on Rachel’s face? I’m not kidding, y’all. I think that just happened. (“Y’all.” Look at me. I’m turning into Chris Harrison.)

After stuffing their faces with oysters and powdery beignets, they walk outside and just *happen* upon a parade! They join in, dancing around with beautiful lace parasols, and suddenly I’ve forgotten about the cheesiness of the moment because all I can think about is how beautiful and cool Rachel seems. I must buy a white one-piece as soon as possible.

This was awkward to search for at work...

From the heavens above, the rest of the ladies watch the parade through their penthouse widow, lamenting the fact that they can’t dance in the parade, too. A group of modern-day Rapunzels. Or Beasts in a tower?

From the parade, Nick and Rachel casually walk into a concert and dance, almost like it wasn’t planned at all. After dancing, they sit and watch the band, and – Nick’s fingers creep like the SCARIEST TARANTULA ACROSS RACHEL’S SHOULDER?! Did anyone else see that? I swear you can’t make this ish up.

Now it’s nighttime, and Nick escorts Rachel into a building to look at “like, Mardi Gras floats.” After they look around, they sit at a table for dinner, where Nick drinks white wine and Rachel sips what appears to be a foamy beer in a stemless wine glass.

Rachel tells Nick about the full-circle day she’s having. Last time she was in New Orleans, it was for a funeral. Back then, she vowed to live each day to its fullest, and now look at her! She’s in New Orleans again, this time with someone who could be her future husband! Nick asks Rachel about her family, and she tells him that her dad is a federal judge. They wax hypothetical about what it’d be like for Nick to meet him, (“Don’t call him Sam!” LOL LYLAS) and then Nick breaks all the rules by telling Rachel he’s “super into” her. Ahh, the romance.

Nick offers Rachel a rose, and she accepts it. Later, alone with the camera, she confides, “I can see myself falling in love today. I don’t believe in fairy tales, but I believe in today, which was a fairy tale.” I think it will take me years to unravel that sentence.

Back in the penthouse, the women anxiously await the next date card. They all wonder who is going on the two-on-one date, BUT WE ALREADY KNOW, DON’T WE? The date card arrives, and Vanessa confirms what we saw coming from a mile away – Corinne and Taylor are going on the two-on-one.

Sweet, sweet Raven with her jet-black hair drawls into the camera, “I think this is gonna be a fight to the death.”

Corinne v Taylor. A showdown for the ages.

But before that bloody battle, we’re subjected to the group date: an evening in a haunted mansion. “This is going to be spooky and scary!” Raven says. “I am going to rebuke these ghosts in the name of Jesus.” Yes you will, honey.

The women meet Nick at the ghost house, and they sit together in the parlor drinking mint juleps, which are scary in a Diabetes-type way. (So much sugar!) Then, the bartender/caretaker/maybe also ghost named Boo gives them a tour of the house. He tells them the story of an eight-year-old girl, Mae, who died in the house wayyy back in like the 1800’s or something. “Legend has it, she still haunts this home, searching for her beloved doll. Whatever you do, don’t touch the doll – or anything else in her bedroom!”

Jasmine, who doesn’t believe in ghosts, immediately touches everything in the entire house. “Well, she’s cursed,” says Jaimi through the balls dangling from her nose.

The sun sets, and Nick and the women are still in the mansion, drinking and arguing about whether or not ghosts are real. They find a Ouija board and, of course, start playing with it which FOR THE RECORD is breaking one of my cardinal rules. NEVER, NEVER, EVER PLAY WITH A OUIJA BOARD! When I was little, my cousins and I found a Ouija board at my grandparents’ house (why?) and I swear we conjured an evil spirit. I’m talking books flying off the shelf and everything. Don’t eff with that stuff.

But do these bitches listen to me? No. They’re just playing away, asking Mae who will get the group date rose, when we all know Mae does not give a flying fck. She’s just looking for her dolly! She died of yellow fever for pete’s sake! She doesn’t have time for this!

I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so, because before we know it, the power goes out throughout the whole mansion. The ladies are freaking out, but Nick wants to explore the house. He and some of the ladies wander back into Mae’s room, where they discover to everyone’s horror that Mae’s prized doll has gone missing!

You guys – I’m going to be honest. This is where I start to vehemently hate this date. Can we just move on? Basically, a bunch of fake shit happens. Jasmine goes on and on about how she’s not scared of ghosts, Josephine starts touching all of the things Boo tells her not to touch, a chandelier “mysteriously” falls from the ceiling, everyone’s screaming for 20 solid minutes, blah blah blah.

This is just so fake. Come on, ABC. We watch The Bachelor because we like to see a true and factual show full of genuine people who are honestly searching for everlasting love, not this overdramatized BS.

Meanwhile, we cut away from the mansion and back to the penthouse, where Corinne applies a green facial masque while sipping champagne in a bubble bath. Taylor sits, surrounded by candles, in front of a mirror and applies 20 different essential oils to balance her chakras. All of this in preparation for tomorrow’s big date.

Back at the haunted mansion, we talk to Nick, who manages to make this date even more unbearable. “I thought there were 10 women on this date,” he laughs, “but now with Mae here, I have 11 women I need to manage.” [RECORD SCREECH] Need to manage? OH HELL NO. Ain’t nobody here that needs your managing, Nick. These ladies will go on to make millions selling hair gummies and tea that makes you poop without your “management,” thank you very much.

“Things can get kind of catty on group dates,” he continues. ARE YOU FOR REAL, NICK? Would you like to spurt any other offensive “truths” about women, Nick? All of female America is waiting for your commentary.

Somehow, through all the very real ghost things that are happening, and Nick’s sudden and brief chauvinist rant, Danielle L can still see herself falling in love with Nick. Danielle M is glad to have had a moment alone with Nick because she wants to make sure their connection is still strong. It’s been awhile since their week two date. Raven accidentally tells Nick that she fell in love with him during their one-on-one date last week. Oh honey. She is made of pure sugar.

Finally – I thought this date would never end – the group date rose appears, encased in glass just like in Beauty and the Beast. I knew it! Nick retrieves the rose and gives it to Danielle M. She is happy to be one step closer to love, and I am happy that date is over.

And now it’s time for the showdown we’ve all been waiting for: Corinne + Taylor + Nick in the Bayou! The three of them meet and board a small boat captained by a man with a beer gut and curly blonde ponytail. Taylor is wearing a fishtail braid, which… is… fine…

“I hope Nick sees my golden heart on this date,” Corinne says, miraculously leaving out mention of her platinum you-know-what this time around.

After a quick spin around the swamp, the three lovers hop off the boat and traipse through the woods, where I can only assume they’re all contracting the Zika virus. They happen upon a Voodoo ceremony, where they meet a Voodoo priestess. We all breathe a sigh of relief when she tells them she can help “bring truth to the surface.” Well, why didn’t we just hire this lady in the first place?!

The priestess guides the love triangle to a table, conveniently placed amidst the trees, where a tarot card reader sits. She talks to the ladies one-by-one, starting with Taylor, and reveals their truths.

“It feels very tense,” the reader tells Taylor. “There’s a lot of energy and tension. There seems to be a negative energy around you.”

Cut to Corinne, who is snuggling with Nick on a log a mere five feet away. “My daddy Alabama,” she smiles at him. “Mama Louisiana.” And then, once again, she starts spinning to Nick about Taylor picking on her. “She’s such a bully!”

“How does that make you feel?” Nick asks flatly, completely disinterested. My husband chortles from the couch.

Now, it’s time for Taylor to join Nick, and Corinne sits with the reader. “How do you make a Voodoo doll specific to a person?” Corinne asks immediately.

Meanwhile, on the log, Nick tells Taylor he was surprised to hear that she’s been bullying Corinne. “What? She flat-out asked me ‘what is emotional intelligence?’” Taylor defends, as if that explains anything. Of course, we can see what Taylor can’t – that Nick lacks emotional intelligence, as well.

In the background, we see Corinne pushing a pin into the heart of the Voodoo doll she and the reader just crafted together. 

Finally, having gained all of this clarity, the Taylor and Corinne sit alone at the reader’s table, waiting for Nick to give one of them the rose.

“Taylor is a bug. She belongs in a swamp,” Corinne’s voice over tells us. “Have you seen my butt? It doesn’t belong in a swamp!” The producers grace us with a gratuitous shot of Corinne’s full bottom.

“I know that Nick will see through Corinne’s lies,” Taylor says. “He won’t pick her. If he did, their relationship would be based off of whipped cream and lies!” And now we know the name of Corinne’s forthcoming memoir.

Nick joins the ladies at the table. “I’m as anxious as I was on night one,” he says. But this isn’t about how the ladies are getting along; it’s about his feelings. “This won’t be easy, but I know what I have to do.”

He picks up the rose. “I need to have an emotional connection with the person I’m going to spend a life with.” DUH. “And that’s why –“ he turns to Corinne. “Corinne, will you accept this rose?” Of course she does.

Nick hugs Taylor goodbye, and he and Corinne return to the boat, where the ponytailed man is waiting to take them away. Now there’s no one left but Taylor and the gators. Oh! and the Voodoo priestess, whom Taylor joins for a cleansing ritual in the nighttime that has suddenly fallen. (Weird, the sun appeared to be out just a moment ago?) The priestess sprinkles water all over Taylor’s arms and head as others circle around and chant.

“I won’t go home without speaking my piece,” Taylor vows, even after the Voodoo priestess told her SPECIFICALLY not to engage. Personally, it seemed to me like the appropriate time for piece speaking was a few minutes ago before Nick abandoned her in a swamp? But what do I know.

Nick and Corinne have now changed into evening wear (still no yellow Belle dress, unfortunately) and they just sit down to enjoy a nice dinner together when – gasp! – Taylor shows up, having emerged from the swamp! She’s soaking wet and covered in Spanish moss, speaking in Voodoo tongues. Corinne gasps. Nick looks scared. And before we know it – the episode is over. 

Nick and Corinne when Taylor reappears.

Wow, that truly was the Most Dramatic Episode of All Time.

Next week on the Bachelor: Wait, I’M SORRY. Did someone just say “two people went home on the two-on-one date”? Does that mean Corinne goes home? Or does Swamp Monster Taylor murder her with her newfound Voodoo powers? Wait, now Nick is crying? Now all the ladies are crying? This is producer magic at work, people. Can’t wait.

Of course, we’ve found ourselves in yet another Rose Ceremony-less episode, but oh man. It looks like this is about to get good.

Love and Roses,

Jillian

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