JoJo Week Nine: Too Little, Too Late

It's Fantasy Suites week! Christmas came early (heh) for these sexually frustrated contestants. Everyone's jet lagged, cranky, and horny, which makes for lots of tension. So excited.

Before we get started I'd like to give a big middle finger to ABC7 Chicago for their abominable broadcasting choices last night. Some producer decided it would be a good idea to air the Crosstown Classic (Cubs vs Sox) INSTEAD OF THE BACHELORETTE during the regularly scheduled primetime slot. Which is so unbelievably annoying. Anyone who gives a flip about the Crosstown Classic is going to be AT the Crosstown Classic. No need to ruin everyone else's night too. So they moved JoJo to the 12-2 AM slot. Rude.

I used to date a guy who works at that news station so we can just assume it was all his fault. Thanks for nothing, Roger.*

Moving on.

We pick up where we left off, with the ultimate cliff hanger: will Luke stay or will Luke go? Last week JoJo told us that she needed to send Luke home, luring us into a false sense of security that Luke surely would not go home. Because he's Luke and Luke is the perfect man.

The men are suspicious. JoJo is in tears. She comes back to distribute the roses...

Jordan. Robby.

CHASE?!

WHAT?!

Luke is gobsmacked. I am gobsmacked (I am also filling out my Bachelor application right after this episode ends).

The musical score is vaguely reminiscent of My Heart Will Go On, except this time Rose is actively kicking Jack off her flotation device.

Never let go, my ass.

Luke can't form sentences, muttering things like, "This isn't supposed to happen." He also quotes the Original JoJo, saying his Hail Mary I Love You was "too little too late." FINALLY! I've been waiting all season for that reference to be made. Only took nine episodes to acknowledge the JoJo-sized elephant in the room.

TRUE IN SO MANY WAYS.

JoJo is visibly torn up about sending Luke home. She's basically on the ground sobbing about it and the other guys can definitely see her. Awkward.

On the outside, I am shaking my fist at the producers for making us believe that Luke was safe. On the inside, I am full to the brim with pure, unadulterated admiration for the producers for making us believe that Luke was safe. They completely pulled the rug out from us and it's a blissful freefall on the ERC of quality reality dating television.

So our final three men are Jordan, Chase and Robby. Interesting. Chris Harrison hops in that private plane while the rest of them fly Delta (economy class) to Thailand.

JoJo: "Saying goodbye to Luke was hard but knowing that I still have Jordan three great relationships makes me very excited for the future."

Robby gets the first date. They experience local culture and get a foot massage. They continue to hash out the problem of Robby's ex but he handles it pretty well. Good for them for having a real-ish conversation. All the while his facial hair is still perfectly sculpted.

Robby calls her Jo which is kind of cute. He's expecting her to say I love you, which is naive. Props to him for not backpedaling on his own I love you, but come on dude. Have you seen the show? That's against the rules. CoughcoughBenHigginscoughcough.

Speaking of Ben, JoJo continues to talk about him and how much he effed up by telling her he loved her. We know, JoJo. We know.

Robby shows JoJo a lunch box letter from his dad that says, "Good luck on your math test. Wear a condom. Love, Dad"

They're at dinner talking about how much they want to bone. JoJo pulls the Fantasy Suite card out from under her plate. Sneaky! Robby says yes without opening the envelope but he's contractually obligated to read the card so he does.

Robby: "JoJo gave me the Fantasy Suite card so now I can stop having sex dreams about JoJo and just have actual sex with JoJo!"

Robby again: "I want to be late to work because I didn't want to get out of bed with JoJo and I want to leave work early to go home to JoJo."

Ummmmm hey Robby? What about JoJo's job? As far as we know you're just a man who used to have a hobby so maybe JoJo will be the one to leave YOU waiting around in bed all day. Her job is not to make sweet sweet love to you all day and all night. Get out of the pool and get real.

They make sweet sweet love all day and all night. The next morning JoJo has real-life bedhead which I totally appreciate. They eat their First Breakfast Together. Clearly JoJo is the kind of person who celebrates month-iversaries.

JoJo tells America she loves Robby but she doesn't tell Robby she loves Robby.

Jordan gets the second date. They go hiking. They both claim to be out of breath and super sweaty, which is endearing, but their version of super sweaty appears to be very different from most people's. Neither of them is red in the face (maybe that's just a pale person problem?) and they're both completely dry. I call BS and feel bad for the camera men who are really suffering.

I actually like Jordan on this date. He seems more likable today, probably because he's on the other side of the world from his complex-inducing brother.

They talk about their future together for the first time, and Jordan actually offers to move anywhere JoJo wants to live -- a first in Bachelor History! I can't recall any man who has done or even offered that on the show before. Good on ya, JoRo.

Of course JoJo sees it as a red flag and becomes skeptical. Classic. As soon as a man is too available and flexible then there's gotta be something wrong with him.

Jordan: "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
JoJo: "LIAR. THAT'S WHAT BEN SAID TOO."

Jordan seems visibly frustrated by all these Ben memoriez. Welcome to my life, Jordan. He's able to talk his way out of the grave JoJo dug for him and talk his way into the Fantasy Suite. Hooray.

Jordan's sleeves are too short. It looks like a little boy's 3/4 sleeve blazer.

JoJo and I have the same pjs!

Chase gets the last date. Best for last? Maybe not.

JoJo and I have the same necklace too! Shoutout to Kendra Scott and also shoutout to me.

I think Chase is too boring for TV but I think he's probably the one I'd choose out of the remaining three guys. He seems like he would have a pretty dry sense of humor which I enjoy. Maybe it's because he's using more words on this date than he has the rest of the season combined. He def won't win but I'd like him for myself.

Oh they're reenacting their hot yoga date. Cute.

Ew I forgot he has a giant ugly side tat.

Chase: "After today there's no hesitation that I want to marry JoJo."
America: "Fat chance."

While JoJo waits for Chase to pick her up for sexy times, someone knocks on the door. It's Surprise Robby! The most alarming kind of Robby, given his impulsive tendencies. They snog on the couch for a minute and then JoJo pats him on the butt and sends him on his way.

Good game.

Ohhh sad they are really setting Chase up for a hard fall here. JoJo feels sick thinking about being in love with three men. She already said she's in love with two of them sooooooo...doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out. Bummer dude. Don't go Chase-in JoJo's waterfalls.

Chase says I love you. JoJo's face does not say I love you. He's about to get the axe.

I need to know what brand of lip stain JoJo is wearing. Can someone please look into this?

Oh shit, Chase is getting the axe RIGHT NOW! JoJo is about to retract the Fantasy Suite card for the first time in Bachelor History. This is huge.

This is the kind of off-formula move we like.

Camera pans from JoJo crying outside to Chase waiting patiently inside. He has no idea what's coming for him, poor guy.

JoJo comes inside: "Sorry about that, I needed to take a moment to think about how I'm going to break up with you."

In this moment JoJo is totally regretting sending Luke home.

JoJo wants to feel strongly for Chase, as if it's a surprise that she doesn't. We all saw this coming, Joj. You should have too.

Chase is getting rejected and he's totally acting like he's getting rejected. She says she didn't want to blindside him like Ben did to her. JoJo is now 3 for 3 on Ben mentions during dates this week.

Chase, to JoJo: "I just jumped over a hurdle and now I'm getting skewered." <-- amazing, actual line that Chase said.

Chase, to camera: "I say I love you and she says get the fuck out. That's messed up. Like, pull your pants down and kick you in the nuts messed up." <-- AMAZING, ACTUAL LINE THAT CHASE SAID.

JoJo is chasing Chase around to talk but like why? She just rejected him. For the love of Chris Harrison just let the man wallow.

Chase climbs into the van while cracking a sad, sad rejection road beer. What a way to go out. Pretty perfect exit in my opinion.

Rose ceremony time. JoJo gives the classic Two Way Street speech re: default roses.

Jordan's pants are too short. Who is his tailor? They really need to dial it back.

Surprise Chase walks into the rose ceremony right as JoJo starts talking about him.

JoJo: "I broke up with Chase and he was PISSED AS FU--heyyyy, buddy!"

Chase is back! He earns the pinnacle point category, Coming Back After Being Eliminated or Leaving** (15 points). Surprisingly, though, he didn't come back to ask for a second chance. He's back because it's not too late to say sorry. Chase delivers a knockout goodbye speech, apologizing for storming out and saying he's proud of and impressed by JoJo. Wowie. He is really fighting tooth and nail for this Next Bachelor gig and I think he might be juuuuust enough of a personality vacuum to do a great job. We shall see.

JoJo really wants to want Chase and Chase wants JoJo to want him. I see your Cheap Trick and raise you The Supremes. You can't hurry love, you just have to wait. Love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take.

And you lost.

JoJo: "When did falling in love become so hard?"
Um I think it was when you hopped on the fast track to marriage and tried to fall in love with a group of strangers while being surround by a crew of different strangers with cameras and microphones. Just a hunch.

So we're down to Jordan and Robby. Jordan was a given from Night One but it's safe to say no one EVER expected Robby to make it this far. Who will JoJo choose? The Former Competitive Swimmer or the Former Professional Bench Warmer Football Player? Can't wait to find out next week!***

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth
League Commissioner


*Names have been changed to protect identities.

**Some clarification regarding "Coming Back After Being Eliminated" points. Earlier in the season, Chad came back after being eliminated. However, he did not earn these points because he did not come back to re-connect with JoJo. Chase earns these points because he came back specifically to see JoJo. This category was created under the assumption that a contestant would come back to request re-admittance to the competition. Returning to apologize and bow out gracefully is unprecedented. This is uncharted territory, and in this instance the commissioners have ruled to award Chase the full 15 points.

***PSA: Next week, Julie and I will be watching together and co-blogging from Brazil! Since we'll be on a different continent the blog may not come out until Wednesday. We apologize in advance for any distress this delay may cause you.