It is truly great timing that I have the opportunity to blog this week’s episode for you. A mere two days ago, I ran into not one but two former Bachelor contestants in the same day: Luke Pell and America’s Sweetheart Wells Adams. Luke jogged by the Thompson Hotel where I was brunching, and Wells was filling up his vintage Toyota SUV with gas at an East Nashville gas station as I drove past! I have never felt more a part of the Bachelor Nation.
Not that I encourage stalking, but if you happen to be in the Nashville area and you want to know where you too might find Wells or Luke, I’d recommend looking here or here.
Not that I encourage stalking, but if you happen to be in the Nashville area and you want to know where you too might find Wells or Luke, I’d recommend looking here or here.
Ok, now on to the show. This week, we are blessed not only to watch The Most Dramatic Episode Ever, but to have it be sponsored by Emma Watson’s Beauty and the Beast! I hope we see at least one yellow dress and a rose in a glass container. Oh! And a singing teapot. (We already know who the Beast is.)
Chris Harrison’s voice over reminds us that last week’s episode left off just as things were starting to heat up between Corinne and Taylor. We meet them where we last saw them, on a bench in a Wisconsin courtyard, and we dive straight back into the drama.
Both women are speaking in the highest-pitched, betchiest voices I’ve ever heard. “You’re, like, not emotionally intelligent, Corinne!” “I, like, literally run a multi-million dollar company, Tay-lor!” I’m pretty sure my neighbor’s dog is barking as a result of these high-pitched reverberations.
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| Can't. Escape. The. Voices. |
Off camera, Corinne voices her “genuine” concern for Nick. “I’m honestly worried for him,” she says. “Taylor is a bully. Plus she’s disgusting.”
Inside, all the girls are talking about Corinne and Taylor, including Alexis who – let’s face it – aren’t we all shocked that Shark Girl is still here?
In the courtyard, Corinne is pulling the most conniving move by planting deep seeds of doubt in Taylor’s mind. “It’s not just me. No one in this house likes you,” she smiles. “Fifty percent of the girls think you’re here for the wrong reasons.” Taylor looks dismayed. Oh, this cunning bitch is gooooood.
Then, Corinne puts the cherry on top by taking her “concerns” to Nick. “She’s different when you’re not around,” she blinks at him, doe eyed. Classic.
Now we’re at the Rose Ceremony. Yes, last week’s Rose Ceremony. (Are we going to have Rose Ceremonies that span into the following week every week? Because I’m kind of over it. Wrap it up in one episode, ABC!) Nick enters the room and thanks the girls for a “great week” literally three times. “This is the hardest rose ceremony yet,” he sweats, before saying thank you for a fourth time.
Inside, all the girls are talking about Corinne and Taylor, including Alexis who – let’s face it – aren’t we all shocked that Shark Girl is still here?
In the courtyard, Corinne is pulling the most conniving move by planting deep seeds of doubt in Taylor’s mind. “It’s not just me. No one in this house likes you,” she smiles. “Fifty percent of the girls think you’re here for the wrong reasons.” Taylor looks dismayed. Oh, this cunning bitch is gooooood.
Then, Corinne puts the cherry on top by taking her “concerns” to Nick. “She’s different when you’re not around,” she blinks at him, doe eyed. Classic.
Now we’re at the Rose Ceremony. Yes, last week’s Rose Ceremony. (Are we going to have Rose Ceremonies that span into the following week every week? Because I’m kind of over it. Wrap it up in one episode, ABC!) Nick enters the room and thanks the girls for a “great week” literally three times. “This is the hardest rose ceremony yet,” he sweats, before saying thank you for a fourth time.
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| Pro tip: This is much more becoming. Never let 'em see you sweat. |
Four thank yous? Is this a sign of Stockholm syndrome? Or just a peek inside the psyche of an insecure bachelor? He does talk about Andi and Kaitlyn in every episode... All these thank yous come off like he’s pleading for the women to stay. “Don’t leave me alone. Again,” his eyes plead as he picks up the first rose.
He gives the rose to Whitney, who has yet to speak this season. The second rose goes to fellow Nashvillian, Danielle M. (yay for Over the Hill points!) Then Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine (who looks as stunned as I do), Vanessa, ALEXIS?! and Corinne. Now we’re down to the last rose, and oh! the tension! It’s for Taylor, which means lights out for Sarah and Astrid.
I’ll miss Sarah’s voluptuous lips and perfectly smudged eyeliner. And I’ll miss Astrid’s… wait, which one is Astrid?
As Sarah leaves the house, she weeps to the camera. “Love is all I want. It’s. All. I. Want.”
“Then go to the fcking grocery store and meet somebody!” my husband, who swears he hates this show, shouts from the couch next to me. Upon hearing himself speak out loud, he looks sheepishly at me, then down to his phone. “I’m just saying, the grocery store is a place she could meet a guy.” Uh huh. I knew he was a fan. I wouldn’t be surprised if he made an appearance as a guest blogger before this season’s through. (Editor’s note: sounds like he might have read last week’s post, too. Just saying.)
After a brief commercial break, we find that we’re no longer in Wisconsin; we’re in New Orleans! “I couldn’t be more excited about being here,” Nick deadpans into the camera in the most monotone voice of all time.
After jumping on all the beds in their penthouse hotel room, the girls gather to talk to Chris Harrison, who has just adopted the word “y’all” into his vocabulary. “Welcome to N’awlins, y’all! Let me tell y’all how it’s gonna go this week. Ya’ll fixin’ to have a one-on-one date, a group date, and a two-on-one date!” The ladies gasp.
“Two-on-one?” “I hope it’s not me!” “Did he just say ‘y’all’?”
He gives the rose to Whitney, who has yet to speak this season. The second rose goes to fellow Nashvillian, Danielle M. (yay for Over the Hill points!) Then Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine (who looks as stunned as I do), Vanessa, ALEXIS?! and Corinne. Now we’re down to the last rose, and oh! the tension! It’s for Taylor, which means lights out for Sarah and Astrid.
I’ll miss Sarah’s voluptuous lips and perfectly smudged eyeliner. And I’ll miss Astrid’s… wait, which one is Astrid?
As Sarah leaves the house, she weeps to the camera. “Love is all I want. It’s. All. I. Want.”
“Then go to the fcking grocery store and meet somebody!” my husband, who swears he hates this show, shouts from the couch next to me. Upon hearing himself speak out loud, he looks sheepishly at me, then down to his phone. “I’m just saying, the grocery store is a place she could meet a guy.” Uh huh. I knew he was a fan. I wouldn’t be surprised if he made an appearance as a guest blogger before this season’s through. (Editor’s note: sounds like he might have read last week’s post, too. Just saying.)
After a brief commercial break, we find that we’re no longer in Wisconsin; we’re in New Orleans! “I couldn’t be more excited about being here,” Nick deadpans into the camera in the most monotone voice of all time.
After jumping on all the beds in their penthouse hotel room, the girls gather to talk to Chris Harrison, who has just adopted the word “y’all” into his vocabulary. “Welcome to N’awlins, y’all! Let me tell y’all how it’s gonna go this week. Ya’ll fixin’ to have a one-on-one date, a group date, and a two-on-one date!” The ladies gasp.
“Two-on-one?” “I hope it’s not me!” “Did he just say ‘y’all’?”
Chris leaves and the ladies open the date card. It’s a one-on-one for Rachel! Annoying Taylor confides that she would “really really really really like to have the one-on-one” which is the most obvious sentence spoken in the history of this show. Stupid bit—wait! Has Corinne turned me against Taylor, too?!
Rachel meets Nick in some sort of open-air market, and she bounces up to him when she sees him. She appears to be wearing a one-piece bathing suit under a pair of yellow shorts? But Nick doesn’t mind. They shop around and feed each other random things from spoons. Then, they shoot oysters on the half shell and I bet you $1,000,000 they’re going to make a joke about oysters being an aphrodisiac – yes! Yes, there it is.
Now they’re pouring hot sauce all over the oysters and I’M SORRY did Nick just blow his hot sauce breath on Rachel’s face? I’m not kidding, y’all. I think that just happened. (“Y’all.” Look at me. I’m turning into Chris Harrison.)
After stuffing their faces with oysters and powdery beignets, they walk outside and just *happen* upon a parade! They join in, dancing around with beautiful lace parasols, and suddenly I’ve forgotten about the cheesiness of the moment because all I can think about is how beautiful and cool Rachel seems. I must buy a white one-piece as soon as possible.
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| This was awkward to search for at work... |
From the heavens above, the rest of the ladies watch the parade through their penthouse widow, lamenting the fact that they can’t dance in the parade, too. A group of modern-day Rapunzels. Or Beasts in a tower?
From the parade, Nick and Rachel casually walk into a concert and dance, almost like it wasn’t planned at all. After dancing, they sit and watch the band, and – Nick’s fingers creep like the SCARIEST TARANTULA ACROSS RACHEL’S SHOULDER?! Did anyone else see that? I swear you can’t make this ish up.
Now it’s nighttime, and Nick escorts Rachel into a building to look at “like, Mardi Gras floats.” After they look around, they sit at a table for dinner, where Nick drinks white wine and Rachel sips what appears to be a foamy beer in a stemless wine glass.
Rachel tells Nick about the full-circle day she’s having. Last time she was in New Orleans, it was for a funeral. Back then, she vowed to live each day to its fullest, and now look at her! She’s in New Orleans again, this time with someone who could be her future husband! Nick asks Rachel about her family, and she tells him that her dad is a federal judge. They wax hypothetical about what it’d be like for Nick to meet him, (“Don’t call him Sam!” LOL LYLAS) and then Nick breaks all the rules by telling Rachel he’s “super into” her. Ahh, the romance.
Nick offers Rachel a rose, and she accepts it. Later, alone with the camera, she confides, “I can see myself falling in love today. I don’t believe in fairy tales, but I believe in today, which was a fairy tale.” I think it will take me years to unravel that sentence.
Back in the penthouse, the women anxiously await the next date card. They all wonder who is going on the two-on-one date, BUT WE ALREADY KNOW, DON’T WE? The date card arrives, and Vanessa confirms what we saw coming from a mile away – Corinne and Taylor are going on the two-on-one.
Sweet, sweet Raven with her jet-black hair drawls into the camera, “I think this is gonna be a fight to the death.”
From the parade, Nick and Rachel casually walk into a concert and dance, almost like it wasn’t planned at all. After dancing, they sit and watch the band, and – Nick’s fingers creep like the SCARIEST TARANTULA ACROSS RACHEL’S SHOULDER?! Did anyone else see that? I swear you can’t make this ish up.
Now it’s nighttime, and Nick escorts Rachel into a building to look at “like, Mardi Gras floats.” After they look around, they sit at a table for dinner, where Nick drinks white wine and Rachel sips what appears to be a foamy beer in a stemless wine glass.
Rachel tells Nick about the full-circle day she’s having. Last time she was in New Orleans, it was for a funeral. Back then, she vowed to live each day to its fullest, and now look at her! She’s in New Orleans again, this time with someone who could be her future husband! Nick asks Rachel about her family, and she tells him that her dad is a federal judge. They wax hypothetical about what it’d be like for Nick to meet him, (“Don’t call him Sam!” LOL LYLAS) and then Nick breaks all the rules by telling Rachel he’s “super into” her. Ahh, the romance.
Nick offers Rachel a rose, and she accepts it. Later, alone with the camera, she confides, “I can see myself falling in love today. I don’t believe in fairy tales, but I believe in today, which was a fairy tale.” I think it will take me years to unravel that sentence.
Back in the penthouse, the women anxiously await the next date card. They all wonder who is going on the two-on-one date, BUT WE ALREADY KNOW, DON’T WE? The date card arrives, and Vanessa confirms what we saw coming from a mile away – Corinne and Taylor are going on the two-on-one.
Sweet, sweet Raven with her jet-black hair drawls into the camera, “I think this is gonna be a fight to the death.”
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| Corinne v Taylor. A showdown for the ages. |
But before that bloody battle, we’re subjected to the group date: an evening in a haunted mansion. “This is going to be spooky and scary!” Raven says. “I am going to rebuke these ghosts in the name of Jesus.” Yes you will, honey.
The women meet Nick at the ghost house, and they sit together in the parlor drinking mint juleps, which are scary in a Diabetes-type way. (So much sugar!) Then, the bartender/caretaker/maybe also ghost named Boo gives them a tour of the house. He tells them the story of an eight-year-old girl, Mae, who died in the house wayyy back in like the 1800’s or something. “Legend has it, she still haunts this home, searching for her beloved doll. Whatever you do, don’t touch the doll – or anything else in her bedroom!”
Jasmine, who doesn’t believe in ghosts, immediately touches everything in the entire house. “Well, she’s cursed,” says Jaimi through the balls dangling from her nose.
The sun sets, and Nick and the women are still in the mansion, drinking and arguing about whether or not ghosts are real. They find a Ouija board and, of course, start playing with it which FOR THE RECORD is breaking one of my cardinal rules. NEVER, NEVER, EVER PLAY WITH A OUIJA BOARD! When I was little, my cousins and I found a Ouija board at my grandparents’ house (why?) and I swear we conjured an evil spirit. I’m talking books flying off the shelf and everything. Don’t eff with that stuff.
But do these bitches listen to me? No. They’re just playing away, asking Mae who will get the group date rose, when we all know Mae does not give a flying fck. She’s just looking for her dolly! She died of yellow fever for pete’s sake! She doesn’t have time for this!
I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so, because before we know it, the power goes out throughout the whole mansion. The ladies are freaking out, but Nick wants to explore the house. He and some of the ladies wander back into Mae’s room, where they discover to everyone’s horror that Mae’s prized doll has gone missing!
You guys – I’m going to be honest. This is where I start to vehemently hate this date. Can we just move on? Basically, a bunch of fake shit happens. Jasmine goes on and on about how she’s not scared of ghosts, Josephine starts touching all of the things Boo tells her not to touch, a chandelier “mysteriously” falls from the ceiling, everyone’s screaming for 20 solid minutes, blah blah blah.
This is just so fake. Come on, ABC. We watch The Bachelor because we like to see a true and factual show full of genuine people who are honestly searching for everlasting love, not this overdramatized BS.
Meanwhile, we cut away from the mansion and back to the penthouse, where Corinne applies a green facial masque while sipping champagne in a bubble bath. Taylor sits, surrounded by candles, in front of a mirror and applies 20 different essential oils to balance her chakras. All of this in preparation for tomorrow’s big date.
Back at the haunted mansion, we talk to Nick, who manages to make this date even more unbearable. “I thought there were 10 women on this date,” he laughs, “but now with Mae here, I have 11 women I need to manage.” [RECORD SCREECH] Need to manage? OH HELL NO. Ain’t nobody here that needs your managing, Nick. These ladies will go on to make millions selling hair gummies and tea that makes you poop without your “management,” thank you very much.
“Things can get kind of catty on group dates,” he continues. ARE YOU FOR REAL, NICK? Would you like to spurt any other offensive “truths” about women, Nick? All of female America is waiting for your commentary.
The women meet Nick at the ghost house, and they sit together in the parlor drinking mint juleps, which are scary in a Diabetes-type way. (So much sugar!) Then, the bartender/caretaker/maybe also ghost named Boo gives them a tour of the house. He tells them the story of an eight-year-old girl, Mae, who died in the house wayyy back in like the 1800’s or something. “Legend has it, she still haunts this home, searching for her beloved doll. Whatever you do, don’t touch the doll – or anything else in her bedroom!”
Jasmine, who doesn’t believe in ghosts, immediately touches everything in the entire house. “Well, she’s cursed,” says Jaimi through the balls dangling from her nose.
The sun sets, and Nick and the women are still in the mansion, drinking and arguing about whether or not ghosts are real. They find a Ouija board and, of course, start playing with it which FOR THE RECORD is breaking one of my cardinal rules. NEVER, NEVER, EVER PLAY WITH A OUIJA BOARD! When I was little, my cousins and I found a Ouija board at my grandparents’ house (why?) and I swear we conjured an evil spirit. I’m talking books flying off the shelf and everything. Don’t eff with that stuff.
But do these bitches listen to me? No. They’re just playing away, asking Mae who will get the group date rose, when we all know Mae does not give a flying fck. She’s just looking for her dolly! She died of yellow fever for pete’s sake! She doesn’t have time for this!
I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so, because before we know it, the power goes out throughout the whole mansion. The ladies are freaking out, but Nick wants to explore the house. He and some of the ladies wander back into Mae’s room, where they discover to everyone’s horror that Mae’s prized doll has gone missing!
You guys – I’m going to be honest. This is where I start to vehemently hate this date. Can we just move on? Basically, a bunch of fake shit happens. Jasmine goes on and on about how she’s not scared of ghosts, Josephine starts touching all of the things Boo tells her not to touch, a chandelier “mysteriously” falls from the ceiling, everyone’s screaming for 20 solid minutes, blah blah blah.
This is just so fake. Come on, ABC. We watch The Bachelor because we like to see a true and factual show full of genuine people who are honestly searching for everlasting love, not this overdramatized BS.
Meanwhile, we cut away from the mansion and back to the penthouse, where Corinne applies a green facial masque while sipping champagne in a bubble bath. Taylor sits, surrounded by candles, in front of a mirror and applies 20 different essential oils to balance her chakras. All of this in preparation for tomorrow’s big date.
Back at the haunted mansion, we talk to Nick, who manages to make this date even more unbearable. “I thought there were 10 women on this date,” he laughs, “but now with Mae here, I have 11 women I need to manage.” [RECORD SCREECH] Need to manage? OH HELL NO. Ain’t nobody here that needs your managing, Nick. These ladies will go on to make millions selling hair gummies and tea that makes you poop without your “management,” thank you very much.
“Things can get kind of catty on group dates,” he continues. ARE YOU FOR REAL, NICK? Would you like to spurt any other offensive “truths” about women, Nick? All of female America is waiting for your commentary.
Somehow, through all the very real ghost things that are happening, and Nick’s sudden and brief chauvinist rant, Danielle L can still see herself falling in love with Nick. Danielle M is glad to have had a moment alone with Nick because she wants to make sure their connection is still strong. It’s been awhile since their week two date. Raven accidentally tells Nick that she fell in love with him during their one-on-one date last week. Oh honey. She is made of pure sugar.
Finally – I thought this date would never end – the group date rose appears, encased in glass just like in Beauty and the Beast. I knew it! Nick retrieves the rose and gives it to Danielle M. She is happy to be one step closer to love, and I am happy that date is over.
And now it’s time for the showdown we’ve all been waiting for: Corinne + Taylor + Nick in the Bayou! The three of them meet and board a small boat captained by a man with a beer gut and curly blonde ponytail. Taylor is wearing a fishtail braid, which… is… fine…
“I hope Nick sees my golden heart on this date,” Corinne says, miraculously leaving out mention of her platinum you-know-what this time around.
After a quick spin around the swamp, the three lovers hop off the boat and traipse through the woods, where I can only assume they’re all contracting the Zika virus. They happen upon a Voodoo ceremony, where they meet a Voodoo priestess. We all breathe a sigh of relief when she tells them she can help “bring truth to the surface.” Well, why didn’t we just hire this lady in the first place?!
The priestess guides the love triangle to a table, conveniently placed amidst the trees, where a tarot card reader sits. She talks to the ladies one-by-one, starting with Taylor, and reveals their truths.
“It feels very tense,” the reader tells Taylor. “There’s a lot of energy and tension. There seems to be a negative energy around you.”
Cut to Corinne, who is snuggling with Nick on a log a mere five feet away. “My daddy Alabama,” she smiles at him. “Mama Louisiana.” And then, once again, she starts spinning to Nick about Taylor picking on her. “She’s such a bully!”
“How does that make you feel?” Nick asks flatly, completely disinterested. My husband chortles from the couch.
Now, it’s time for Taylor to join Nick, and Corinne sits with the reader. “How do you make a Voodoo doll specific to a person?” Corinne asks immediately.
Meanwhile, on the log, Nick tells Taylor he was surprised to hear that she’s been bullying Corinne. “What? She flat-out asked me ‘what is emotional intelligence?’” Taylor defends, as if that explains anything. Of course, we can see what Taylor can’t – that Nick lacks emotional intelligence, as well.
In the background, we see Corinne pushing a pin into the heart of the Voodoo doll she and the reader just crafted together.
Finally, having gained all of this clarity, the Taylor and Corinne sit alone at the reader’s table, waiting for Nick to give one of them the rose.
“Taylor is a bug. She belongs in a swamp,” Corinne’s voice over tells us. “Have you seen my butt? It doesn’t belong in a swamp!” The producers grace us with a gratuitous shot of Corinne’s full bottom.
“I know that Nick will see through Corinne’s lies,” Taylor says. “He won’t pick her. If he did, their relationship would be based off of whipped cream and lies!” And now we know the name of Corinne’s forthcoming memoir.
Nick joins the ladies at the table. “I’m as anxious as I was on night one,” he says. But this isn’t about how the ladies are getting along; it’s about his feelings. “This won’t be easy, but I know what I have to do.”
He picks up the rose. “I need to have an emotional connection with the person I’m going to spend a life with.” DUH. “And that’s why –“ he turns to Corinne. “Corinne, will you accept this rose?” Of course she does.
Nick hugs Taylor goodbye, and he and Corinne return to the boat, where the ponytailed man is waiting to take them away. Now there’s no one left but Taylor and the gators. Oh! and the Voodoo priestess, whom Taylor joins for a cleansing ritual in the nighttime that has suddenly fallen. (Weird, the sun appeared to be out just a moment ago?) The priestess sprinkles water all over Taylor’s arms and head as others circle around and chant.
“I won’t go home without speaking my piece,” Taylor vows, even after the Voodoo priestess told her SPECIFICALLY not to engage. Personally, it seemed to me like the appropriate time for piece speaking was a few minutes ago before Nick abandoned her in a swamp? But what do I know.
Nick and Corinne have now changed into evening wear (still no yellow Belle dress, unfortunately) and they just sit down to enjoy a nice dinner together when – gasp! – Taylor shows up, having emerged from the swamp! She’s soaking wet and covered in Spanish moss, speaking in Voodoo tongues. Corinne gasps. Nick looks scared. And before we know it – the episode is over.
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| Nick and Corinne when Taylor reappears. |
Wow, that truly was the Most Dramatic Episode of All Time.
Next week on the Bachelor: Wait, I’M SORRY. Did someone just say “two people went home on the two-on-one date”? Does that mean Corinne goes home? Or does Swamp Monster Taylor murder her with her newfound Voodoo powers? Wait, now Nick is crying? Now all the ladies are crying? This is producer magic at work, people. Can’t wait.
Of course, we’ve found ourselves in yet another Rose Ceremony-less episode, but oh man. It looks like this is about to get good.
Next week on the Bachelor: Wait, I’M SORRY. Did someone just say “two people went home on the two-on-one date”? Does that mean Corinne goes home? Or does Swamp Monster Taylor murder her with her newfound Voodoo powers? Wait, now Nick is crying? Now all the ladies are crying? This is producer magic at work, people. Can’t wait.
Of course, we’ve found ourselves in yet another Rose Ceremony-less episode, but oh man. It looks like this is about to get good.
Love and Roses,
Jillian
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