Rachel Finale: I Cried My Eyelashes Off

Congratulations! We've made it to Week 10 of the ~*mOsT ~ dRaMaTic*~ season ever! It's been a wild and often annoying ride, but at least we now know who won some spare cash and bragging rights.

Because ABC no longer recognizes consistency as a positive quality, they've decided to change up the ATFR format. Is nothing sacred anymore? We're stuck listening to the mind-numbing interviews of Rachel and her exes mid-show as opposed to after. Thus, ABC is forcing us into three hours of television on a school work night.

...just in case my super salty attitude wasn't clear already.

The ep begins where last week left off; Rachel has been to the Fantasy Suite with Eric and is about to go for round two with Peter. However, in a fun show role reversal, Peter is questioning his relationship with Rachel. Turns out, he's a rational human being who feels uncomfortable giving expensive jewelry and commitments to someone he just met and probably has never seen without makeup. It's oddly reminiscent of Brooks from Desiree's season. Peter is so similar to Brooks in fact that league veteran Competitive Clare is swooning uncontrollably again.

"Can we just like date for a while."
"You signed up for this show to give me a ring. That's literally the whole point."
"I'm not proposing until I'm 100% sure you don't have student loan debt I'd be responsible for."

I'd demand a credit check and STD test prior to any Neil Lane visits. 

Rachel cries and basically begs him to propose to her. He's oddly turned on by her crying. Unrelated: isn't that one of the characteristics of a sociopath? Meanwhile, I'm oddly turned on by her voluminous and fabulous fake eyelashes.

The #drama is somewhat short lived, because they make up enough to bone stay in the Fantasy Suite.

Bryan's date is next and his Miami is really showing. They ride horses in a vineyard, which I guess is romantic and whatever. Is it just me, or is any activity that involves the stench of animal waste really unsexy? Anyway, either from the animal smell, or last night's romp with Peter, Rachel is a bit cranky. Not like noticeably cranky, but like would say "it's fine" if her bf said he was ditching date night for a football game. Bryan picks up on the delicate mood and adjusts his behavior accordingly. TAKE NOTES, ALL MY FUTURE BOYFRIENDS.

^Rachel's current mood^

The Fantasy Suite gets its third night of action, and we move on to the Week Nine rose ceremony. In a bold, possibly reckless move, Eric chooses to forgo a dress shirt and tie to just wear an undershirt beneath his suit jacket. Did he leave his only dress shirt in the Fantasy Suite and couldn't retrieve it because she was in there with one of her other boyfriends all week? This is now my focus for the next 10 minutes, until...

...ERIC GETS THE BOOT. I hope it wasn't his lack of dress shirt that did him in, but honestly I would understand. His exit interview, however, is the opposite of sloppy. He has the classiest, most heartbreaking limo interview we've seen in a while.

"I'm just going to miss her. I'm going to miss all that is her. I'm just so thankful to have experienced life with a person so beautiful as Rachel" < no, not a passage from a Nicholas Sparks book. Legit quote from Eric. In my imagination, all men say this when I break up with them.

During the ATFR interview, which we should probably now call the "Before, During, and/or After the Final Rose" Special Eric again shows us his maturity and I swoon. He spits some more of those Nora Roberts-esque lines. (Hey, Eric, call me maybe?)

"My heart was broken because I didn't have love, but [Rachel] filled my heart. I was a boy, but now I'm a man" THEN HE CALLED HER YOUNG LADY AND I DIED OF A SWOLLEN BROKEN HEART.

and I want an Eric.

Last dates week! The proposal(s) is in a matter of days, and Peter still needs a lot of convincing.

During his last sales pitch, Bryan gives her a homemade Spanish-English dictionary with a cheat sheet of cutesy, romantic words for Rachel. It's super presh and makes me almost like the guy for a second. Then I remember he's a chiropractor and go back to the salt.

"You should pick me because my mom might murder you otherwise."

Bryan is off to meet Neil Lane.

Instead of a last ditch sales pitch, Picky Proposer Peter tells her he's not about that engagement ring life...at least not until he knows her middle name. Maybe he has an elaborate flash mob proposal dream that he's worried will never happen? In any case, Rachel is crushed. He tries his best to explain and get her to come around, but neither is willing to compromise. Peter finally offers to just propose because she wants him to, which is not a reason any man should ever propose.

"I want you to WANT to propose"
"Yea, but I don't. Can we just pretend I do?"
"Commit the rest of your life and half your assets to me, and you won't be embarrassed on a Spanish mountainside tomorrow."
"No thanks. Check please."

We had high hopes for you, Peter. 

Rachel cries so much her amazing eyelashes disappear mid-scene.

I don't know what this gif is from, but its my new favorite.

Sooooo that's it. Peter pulls an unceremonious self-elimination, and Bryan wins by default. We don't even see the Bryan proposal until what feels like hours later, after the ex-couple's counseling session with Chris Harrison, Our Lord and Savior. Talk about an anticlimactic ending!! Do you know how much I look forward to seeing the loser's shoes come out of the proposal limo each year? You know, when the sun is nowhere near setting, but they're still oblivious that they've lost? I cherish that bi-annual schadenfreude and ABC stole it from me.

^Me

Eventually Bryan proposes on what looks like the windiest mountain in Europe. Rachel is giddy that she got her ring, but let's just say I don't have high hopes for their future.

As much as I've loved Rachel and her cocktail dresses this season, tonight really made me see her in a different light. I don't know if it was the editing or just the stress of the situation, but she really did seem like she wanted the fancy ring and the wedding more than the actual husband. Plus, she was condescending to Peter in their live interview. I felt bad for the guy, but he came out of this smelling pretty rose-like, so I'm sure his handsome salt and pepper hair will find a good home with some other nice lady. Maybe me? A girl can dream.

Keep on being you, Peter

That's all, folks! You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Check your final season points and settle up money/wine/smack talk. Best of luck on that post-finale hangover!

We've had a blast being your commissioners once again. If you're new to the league, or just have a lot of feelings, let us know how awesome we are. Next week starts Bach in Paradise, which we will not be blogging, but probably will be hate-watching, so feel free to send your feelings then too.

Lastly, Big shout out to Corinne and Audrey for proof reading and helping out this season! May the blessings of Chris Harrison rain down upon you.

Love and Roses,
Julie

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Rachel Week Nine: Fantasy Despasuitos

Hi there, Eliz here. Welcome to the highlight of your week. This ep begins with Rachel throwing us a curve rose. She wants the guys to meet her family before she has sex with all of them. What a novel idea! Good for you, Rachel. I APPLAUD YOUR CLEAR-EYED STRATEGY.

Alternatively, WWTTD? (What Would Tami Taylor Do?)

Rachel: "If you wanna be my lovah, you gotta get with my fam."
Guys: -______-

Peter's up first and they go baby clothes shopping for Rachel's preggo sister, Constance. Peter understands how children's clothing sizes work and wants to dress the kids in matching outfits. HELLO MARRIAGE MATERIAL PETER I AM READY FOR YOU!!!!!

We learn that Peter's parents got engaged after a month, which means that Peter is open to The Process. Not the best logic, but we'll let it slide. He says a lot of nice things about Rachel and the whole family falls in love with him.

Constance's husband asks Peter what Rachel's weaknesses are. It reminds me of the time I interviewed at Anthropologie as a 16-year-old.

Peter: "She loves customer service TOO much, she folds clothes TOO perfectly, she's TOO obsessed with accessorizing and layering."

Peter wins, done and done and done. This meet-the-family date has set the bar veeery high for all my future meet-the-family dates.

And those standards have now been raised by Peter.

Eric is next. He's so nervous it's making me nervous. He and Rachel have a pre-family huddle and it literally ends with "okay bring it in (for a kiss)." It's so friend-zoney and it makes me fear that Eric might not get a rose this week.

Despite the ENORMOUS HURDLE of never having been in love before, Eric wins over Constance with his earnestness and awkwardly asks Rachel's mom, Kathy, for Rachel's hand in marriage. Kathy basically says, "If that's what Rachel wants, then sure. Fine." We know this answer is code for, "I know that's not what Rachel wants, but I still have to respond in a kind and gracious manner."

When Bryan gets his turn, he and Rach wear their matching watches and it's gross. I know I was all in favor of matching baby clothes, but matching watches is too much. Do less, Bryan.

You're on the slippery slope to matching GRACE tattoos, Bryan.

They go to brunch with Rachel's girlfriends, where Rachel confesses that her first impression of Bryan was that he was a douchebag. Rachel!!! You have good instincts! LISTEN TO THEM.

Bryan learns that Rachel's uncle is a doctor. He makes a mental note not to refer to himself as a physician, as he had been doing previously. Related: for a chiropractor, he has remarkably slouchy posture.

Take a cue from the Queen, Bry.

Ugh, they start talking and Bryan immediately launches into his schmoozy spiel about how amazing he thinks he is. Kathy slams the brakes on this soliloquy by asking whose side Bryan would take in a dispute between his hypothetical wife and his mommy dearest. After some serious deliberation, Bryan reluctantly chooses wife. Rachel is "low key annoyed" at her family for pointing out how awful Bryan probably is.

Kathy: "I asked the hard questions and Rachel didn't like it but THAT'S WHAT SHE SIGNED UP FOR!"

Kathy ^

This is so uncomfy to watch. The fam is grilling Bryan and he's getting burned to a crisp. In an unprecedented move, he excuses himself from the table mid-convo. Rachel's nostrils are flared wide open so you know this shit is real.

In a separate convo, Constance's husband refers to Bryan as "this individual" which really shows how much they care about him. Bryan's date ends pretty unceremoniously. He gets the same "sure, fine" answer from Kathy re: marriage.

Time for Fantasy Suites but jeeeeeez, it feels like we've been watching this for like 3 hours already. We don't usually get three family dates and I'm exhausted.

Vamos a España.

Eric's date is first. They fly in a helicopter. He looks v attractive. Especially in that pea coat?!?! DAMN SON. Real talk, I LOVE a man in a pea coat. It shows a mature and stylish approach to the very practical matter of dressing for cold weather. Like, what am I even supposed to do with a dude who throws on a couple hoodies and a rain coat when the temps dip below freezing? I can't take that guy to my work Christmas party. I can't even take that guy to Trader Joe's. But a man with a pea coat is a man with foresight and dignity and class. And with the collar flipped up? I meannnnnnnnn. Game over.

They bone (or so we are led to assume). I really like Eric but I don't think he's the one for her. Sad face.

Next, Peter and Rachel go to a winery. After lots of hemming and hawing Peter says he might not be ready to get engaged. Rachel says he better be READY AF to get engaged, or else.

Rachel: "I didn't come this far to not get that Neil Lane rock on Friday."

How Rachel feels about getting engaged.

How Peter feels about getting engaged.

We don't get to see if Peter and Rachel bone because ABC is a mean jerk. We won't know for sure until two weeks from now, after we get through the garbage ep that is Men Tell All. Per usual, we'll pretend MTA doesn't exist - it does not count for any league points and there will be no blog post. Save yourself the misery and do something productive with those two hours. Report back with the amazing things you accomplish!

This week was a pretty low-scoring ep, but check your standings and then leave me some love in the comments. I need it.

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth

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Rachel Week Seven: I Like Black

This week we have a guest blogger, and I couldn't be more pleased. Audrey is a Roses to Riches OG and current captain of the Chicago Suburbs Pool: We're Not That Historic. Check out her delightful writing below and leave some love in the comment section.




I am both thrilled and honored to go down in the books as an official Roses to Riches^TM guest blogger. And I am thanking Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison that we have a regular episode this week and not a TWO-PART TWO-NIGHT EPIC BACHELORETTE EVENT. (Although I would love to have read the sassy letter that our fabulous Commissioners would have sent to ABC.)

We open on the beautiful Geneva landscape, and the pressure of The Process is growing by the minute. This is the last week before hometowns, so we will be down to our Final Four by the end of the night, and Rachel remarks that she is having feelings. It’s go-time, folks.

The men arrive at their new Geneva digs, and Eric declares that he is “feelin’” Rachel. I would comment on the rest of the opening chit-chat from the guys, but there was a local thunderstorm warning in the corner of my TV, so I couldn’t see the title cards for the first 5 minutes of the ep and had totally forgotten what Adam and Matt’s names were. That’s my bad.

Rachel invites Bryan on a one-on-one date in front of all the other guys. Awk. Adam is salty that he isn’t getting “his time,” but I’m distracted by how oddly disheveled/tired he looks in every single talking head shot this season. (See that? My film degree is finally useful!)

Rachel and Bryan hop into a Bentley, which I appreciate because I know how cheap plane tickets to Europe have been lately and the producers have been skimping on the travel budget.

Rachel: This is Switzerland so we have to go to the watch store.

Bryan: I like black

Rachel: Lolz clearly you do wink wink. *buys him the watch because that’s how she rolls*

Thrilled with their new purchases, they make out while the shopkeeper watches them. (Heh. Get it? I’ll show myself out.) And if that wasn’t awkward romantic enough for you, they make out on a boat as well, woo!

At "dinner" they discuss normal human things like where they went to school, but Bryan kind of makes it weird by asking Rachel if she went to an all-girl’s school and about her school uniform. He also thinks that Rachel would get along with his family, but shares that his last serious relationship ended because of his mother. Can you spot the red flag?

Bryan gets the rose, but I am def concerned for Rach if she ends up with him and his mom is a nightmare. They make out excessively to a lovely violin serenade. It is way too much tongue making out, but this date is classy AF and I dig it.

Meanwhile, the salty guys back at the hotel are still salty. Even Peter is mad that Bryan got another date. You are the frontrunner, Peter, stfu. The date card arrives, and Dean is up. His voice says he’s excited, but his face says the opposite – he’s worried about bringing Rachel home because his relationship with his family isn’t the best. *foreshadowing*

It’s Dean time! Rachel is rocking a beautiful blue coat, and they go to Catholic Mass in French. This is lovely and I approve 100% of all church-going activities, but if you’ve never been to a Mass before, another language is gonna be the MOST confusing.

They have coffee and pastries afterward and talk to a married couple and it’s totes adorbs. I love the rainy, romantic vibe of this date, and props to Rachel for dancing in those stilettos on cobblestones – I would’ve immediately bitten it.

Things get a little awkward when Rachel wants Dean to talk about the added pressure of The Process and how he feels, but he dodges her questions and giggles like a cartoon character. He finally shares that his father wasn’t there for him and has “become more eccentric” since his mother passed away. He doesn’t want Rachel to judge him on his family, which is a difficult adult convo to have, so I have to give Dean credit. Families are tough sometimes, yo.

Having met the “opening up” criterion of one-on-one dates, Rach gives him the rose. Dean is very sweet and funny, but he’s also young and still has some stuff to work through. Also, she made out with him wayyyy less than with Bryan. Just sayin’.

Rachel notes that as The Process progresses, things are only going to get harder and harder and she’s going to go deeper and deeper with the guys. Am I immature or does Rachel need to stop phrasing things that way? #fantasysuites

Helicopter time with Peter! They arrive at an amaze-balls glacier, jump into a dogsled, and “mush.” The glacial landscape is gorgeous, but jeez Louise it looks cold and miserable. Have you ever tried to be cute on date when you’re bundled to the gods and your nose is running down your face? Not adorable.

While sitting in the snow, Peter, like a normal human being, voices doubts about The Process but says that his connection to Rachel gets him through the “dark days.” His Wisconsin accent also comes through a bit here – must be the Midwestern-esque climate making him feel at home – which makes me giggle until I remember that I have the same accent. #ohheyder

Cut to dinner, where Peter has ice in his wine, which is fundamentally offensive to me. Unless it’s actually a brandy old-fashioned in a wine glass (Wisconsin friends, holla @ me).

My husband clearly has a man crush on Peter: “His voice is just so…low and grizzly…”

Me:

In his low grizzly man voice, Peter tells the story of how his last relationship ended, and it gets pretty emotional. I love it when a man cries about his ex during a date...said no woman ever. Peter’s honesty “scares” Rachel – she worries he won’t be ready to get down on one knee at the end of The Process AKA he will act like a normal human being in a normal human relationship.

Side note: C’mon ABC – this fake-out editing is getting a little ridiculous. We didn’t believe for a second that Rachel was the one with “tears streaming down her face.” #eyeroll

Peter wants to know if Rachel has any questions or concerns, and she just really really likes him. He says he’s “definitely along that path” in reference to the word “love.” Slow. Clap.

He gets the rose for “going deeper” and they make out on the balcony. I predict that he’s going to keep her at arms’ length as long as he can. He’s like that hot bartender that you’re really into because he’s hot but he’s def not gonna text you back and will probably hit on your friends.

Meanwhile, the next date card shows up and Dean reads it in a grave voice: “Tomorrow will be difficult. That’s all I have to say.” Adam “does not like" the word "difficult" and has “not lived by that word his entire life.” #privilege

The remaining men head off to the group date – Adam is very confident that he already has the hometown date in the bag. I, and the rest of America, are not.

Rachel: This date will be difficult, but we’re going to France on a boat!

Men: Feigned enthusiasm, not 100% sure how it’s possible to get to France from Geneva?

At the French chateau with the awkward Devil’s Foursome, Adam starts yammering again about how he doesn’t like the word “difficult.” He says things can be “challenging” but not “difficult.” He is “challenging” my last nerve. These episodes are two hours long, bro – I am not interested in your weird preoccupation with semantics.

Eric says he can see how hard Rachel works and smooth-talks her into a kiss. I’m not sure she’s into it. Matt has a conversation about The Process with Rachel, and she starts crying, so we know immediately that Matt is going home. Matt is the real MVP of the episode for asking if he can take his champagne with him in the reject SUV. You have your priorities straight, my friend.

The rest of the night is quite awkward as a two-on-one. Adam is really excited. Rachel less so. Is Adam Italian? Or Greek? I feel like he’s Italian or Greek. Either way, he gets the axe.

Eric shares some of his backstory and tells Rachel that he needs someone who will be there for him – and that he’s 29 and has never brought a girl home to his family. But he gets the rose, hurrah! Rachel tearfully tells Eric that she’s excited to meet his family. End scene.

Next week, we’re heading to hometowns, then Spain! And that’s a dope shot of Rachel in a vineyard. Can I get some of that for my Insta?

MUCH DRAMA TO COME, FRIENDS. It’s been a pleasure blogging for you all!

Peace, love and roses,
Audrey

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Rachel Week Two: White Dudes Buggin'

Happy Memorial Day, everyone. Hope you celebrated in your best USA tank top. Apparently Chris Harrison doesn't believe in days off, because there was, in fact, an episode last night. Though to be fair, I guess every day is a day off when you spend it drinking mimosas in a bathrobe in your luxury trailer. But I digress.

We're coming off Night One and all the dudes are feeling good. Rachel is the #totalpackage and they're just amped to get this thing started. They gather for a pep talk from Chris Harrison before the date card is read.

^All of the guys in prep for today^

Our Lord and Savior: "I hope you are all here FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. HOPEFULLY we'll see all you suckers at the next Rose Ceremony. FORESHADOWING!"

The first group date is a cookout with some good ol' backyard games, refereed by none other than Bachelor Superfans Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis. They've designed an admittedly awesome Husband Material obstacle course for the guys to complete: diaper changing, Baby Bjorn assembly, vacuuming, drain unclogging, table setting, flower delivery.

Iggy: "I poop every day. I got this."
Thanks for letting us know you have regular bowel movements, Iggy.

Lucas wins with a questionable stiff-arm against Kenny. His prize is nothing. Our prize is watching the rest of the guys continue to cradle their baby dolls on the sideline. Every person except Lucas is pissed that Lucas wins. He does the Whaboom for the Kutchers and makes them v uncomfy. How long do we have to endure this? Please, Chris Harrison, no more.

Baby dolls were most certainly harmed in the making of this ep.

Ashton: "All of these guys are morons. Next?"

At the wrap party, Blake E and Lucas get in a bitch fight about whether Lucas is there for the *~right reasons~*. Clearly Blake E has never seen this show before, because he immediately warns Rachel about Lucas (5 pts). Everyone knows that the correct strategy is to use Lucas' insanity to promote your own sanity. What is this, amateur hour? Guess Blake E the Amateur Aspiring Drummer is forever "aspiring."

Rachel: "All of these conversations are mundane. Next?"

Rachel is one of us.

Kenny escapes to wax exasperation about these "white dudes acting crazy." Thank you, Kenny, for saying what we're all thinking. But also, welcome to The Bachelorette?

Dean gets the rose. I can't wait for him to reveal that he believes marriage is an institutionalized sham. Dean's narrow, sloping shoulders give me the creeps.  

Peter gets the one-on-one and it's actually a two-on-one with Rachel's pup, Copper! They all three fall in love on this magical date at Barkfest. Pretty much the competition is now Peter's to lose. We're all obsessed: he's got that humble, gap toothed charm, a speck of Stage One salt&pepper hair, and a voice like John Smith. And of course can't forget his aptitude for (dog) fatherhood. I meeeeaannnnnn...

I, ever the pessimist, am having PTSD flashbacks to Desiree's season. I'm a liiiiiitle afraid that Peter might turn into another Brooks situation. Maybs not, but it's basically game over for Rachel at this point. Did you see her geeking out when the fireworks started?? He gets the rose OBVI.

The next group date is a basketball date. All the black guys are ecstatic. The white guys are quakin' in their pristine Air Jordans.

In the excitement of getting ready for their date, the guys lose all control of the English language. Side bar: Botching a Common English Idiom is my absolute favorite new point category.

DeMario: "You can sink with the fishes or swim to shore." A new version of the phrase "sink or swim," perhaps?

Josiah: "In the jungle, it's kill or be eaten. And I'm not gonna be anyone's meal."

Josiah: "She had on some legging tights that just fit her body like a Coca Cola bottle."

They arrive at the date, and are surprised by Kareem Abdul Jabbar! Pretty cool actually. What a star studded ep!

They play bball. Pretty standard procedure. Funny to see how bad Josiah is. DeMario dunks all over everyone. Classic.

After the game, Rachel is greeting all her adoring fans, and she is approached by a girl claiming to be DeMario's CURRENT girlfriend. Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN!!!!!

^Footage from our watch party^

That's what I'm talking about. YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS KIND OF DRAMA IS WHY WE WATCH THIS DUMB SHOW.

Rachel brings out DeMario to find out what the heck is going on. His reaction is price.less. He can't explain his side of the story coherently, so he gets the boot. Ladies, take note, because Rachel handled this perfectly.

Any time a man's explanation of alleged cheating begins with, "who is this person?" and gets walked back to, "we had sexual intercourse," then that conversation MUST end with, "I'm gonna need you to get the f*** out."

Don't try to pull this shit with an attorney.

The rest of the date gives the guys an opportunity to shine in the wake of DeMario. They do a good job. Josiah gets the rose.

We're left with cliffhanger at the end of the ep (careful, ABC) with DeMario crashing the cocktail party and begging Chris Harrison for some more screen time. If DeMario does, in fact, make contact with Rachel next week, he'll earn the coveted 15 points for Coming Back After Being Eliminated. He must have a conversation with Rachel to earn these points. Here's hoping DeMario turns out to be the cash cow I always knew he could be.

Check your standings, some teams are starting to break away with a strong lead! It's good to be back.

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth

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