We're coming off Night One and all the dudes are feeling good. Rachel is the #totalpackage and they're just amped to get this thing started. They gather for a pep talk from Chris Harrison before the date card is read.
 |
| ^All of the guys in prep for today^ |
Our Lord and Savior: "I hope you are all here FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. HOPEFULLY we'll see all you suckers at the next Rose Ceremony. FORESHADOWING!"
The first group date is a cookout with some good ol' backyard games, refereed by none other than Bachelor Superfans Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis. They've designed an admittedly awesome Husband Material obstacle course for the guys to complete: diaper changing, Baby Bjorn assembly, vacuuming, drain unclogging, table setting, flower delivery.
Iggy: "I poop every day. I got this."
Thanks for letting us know you have regular bowel movements, Iggy.
Lucas wins with a questionable stiff-arm against Kenny. His prize is nothing. Our prize is watching the rest of the guys continue to cradle their baby dolls on the sideline. Every person except Lucas is pissed that Lucas wins. He does the Whaboom for the Kutchers and makes them v uncomfy. How long do we have to endure this? Please, Chris Harrison, no more.
 |
| Baby dolls were most certainly harmed in the making of this ep. |
At the wrap party, Blake E and Lucas get in a bitch fight about whether Lucas is there for the *~right reasons~*. Clearly Blake E has never seen this show before, because he immediately warns Rachel about Lucas (5 pts). Everyone knows that the correct strategy is to use Lucas' insanity to promote your own sanity. What is this, amateur hour? Guess Blake E the
Rachel: "All of these conversations are mundane. Next?"
 |
| Rachel is one of us. |
Dean gets the rose. I can't wait for him to reveal that he believes marriage is an institutionalized sham. Dean's narrow, sloping shoulders give me the creeps.
Peter gets the one-on-one and it's actually a two-on-one with Rachel's pup, Copper! They all three fall in love on this magical date at Barkfest. Pretty much the competition is now Peter's to lose. We're all obsessed: he's got that humble, gap toothed charm, a speck of Stage One salt&pepper hair, and a voice like John Smith. And of course can't forget his aptitude for (dog) fatherhood. I meeeeaannnnnn...
I, ever the pessimist, am having PTSD flashbacks to Desiree's season. I'm a liiiiiitle afraid that Peter might turn into another Brooks situation. Maybs not, but it's basically game over for Rachel at this point. Did you see her geeking out when the fireworks started?? He gets the rose OBVI.
The next group date is a basketball date. All the black guys are ecstatic. The white guys are quakin' in their pristine Air Jordans.
In the excitement of getting ready for their date, the guys lose all control of the English language. Side bar: Botching a Common English Idiom is my absolute favorite new point category.
DeMario: "You can sink with the fishes or swim to shore." A new version of the phrase "sink or swim," perhaps?
Josiah: "In the jungle, it's kill or be eaten. And I'm not gonna be anyone's meal."
Josiah: "She had on some legging tights that just fit her body like a Coca Cola bottle."
They arrive at the date, and are surprised by Kareem Abdul Jabbar! Pretty cool actually. What a star studded ep!
They play bball. Pretty standard procedure. Funny to see how bad Josiah is. DeMario dunks all over everyone. Classic.
After the game, Rachel is greeting all her adoring fans, and she is approached by a girl claiming to be DeMario's CURRENT girlfriend. Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN!!!!!
 |
| ^Footage from our watch party^ |
Rachel brings out DeMario to find out what the heck is going on. His reaction is price.less. He can't explain his side of the story coherently, so he gets the boot. Ladies, take note, because Rachel handled this perfectly.
Any time a man's explanation of alleged cheating begins with, "who is this person?" and gets walked back to, "we had sexual intercourse," then that conversation MUST end with, "I'm gonna need you to get the f*** out."
 |
| Don't try to pull this shit with an attorney. |
We're left with cliffhanger at the end of the ep (careful, ABC) with DeMario crashing the cocktail party and begging Chris Harrison for some more screen time. If DeMario does, in fact, make contact with Rachel next week, he'll earn the coveted 15 points for Coming Back After Being Eliminated. He must have a conversation with Rachel to earn these points. Here's hoping DeMario turns out to be the cash cow I always knew he could be.
Check your standings, some teams are starting to break away with a strong lead! It's good to be back.
Love and Roses,
Elizabeth
From which series are all these dialogues from? Because they are interesting and funny at the same time and I want to see the series first for the better time pass.
ReplyDelete