Chris Week Four: Organic Drama That's Farm to Cable

Week four is here, and we're finally getting down to a lean, fat-trimmed cast of ladies. There are two group dates, two-ish one-on-ones, and plenty of sponsorship dollars to afford helicopters for endless seasons to come.

The first group date is, as Kelsey so eloquently puts it, a "perfect date for bimbos." Needless to say, it was hilarious. Chris takes a gaggle of girls to a lake/retention pond where they swim (skinny dip), relax (mentally strategize for one-on-one time) and later camp (get wasted by a fire). No complaints from Chris on any of these fronts, go figure. Men, right? Anyway, he says he's just happy to be able to spend some quality time with these women in their bikinis/birthday suits.

Once everyone is sun burnt and nursing their bee stings and leech wounds (probably), they set up tents and "camp" while all the producers laugh and refuse to help. The full moon starts to bring out Ashley S's full crazy, so her interaction with Chris is quite entertaining. Unfortunately, she throws a big 'ole crazy socket wrench in the league points, as she TELLS HIM SHE LOVES HIM AND WE ALL SCREAM AT THE TV. Our league rules have never taken intoxication/lunacy into account for the "I love you" rule, so that means Ashley S. gets the points. All ten stupid points.

As we all whine about Ashley S ruining everything, Ashley I jumps in the ring and makes a few bold, ridiculous choices. She sneaks into Chris' tent after he falls asleep, and we're all cheering for some hanky-panky. No. Instead she awkwardly tries to tell him she's a virgin without using any of the words that define "virgin." She says something to the effect of "I'm so innocent, which makes me sooooooooo unique, blah blah blah" and Chris has absolutely no idea what she's talking about. She could have been telling him that a coyote ate her collection of fake eyelashes, for all he knew. She leaves, he sleeps, we all cringe. Kaitlyn gets a rose.

LAWLZ, no.

While these girls are out in the wilderness, Chris' sisters come to the house and interview the remaining girls that weren't picked for kickball. They choose Jade to accompany Chris on a Cinderella date, but more importantly, they choose Jade to get a FREE pair of Louboutins and a FREE pair of diamond earrings. Ashley I. is losing her shit over this because apparently she's the only girl who has ever seen a Disney movie, and has always dreamed of starring in a Disney commercial going on a princess date. ANYWAY Jade is all cute, and wearing an adorable dress, and I think Chris showed up at some point. Jade gets a rose.

The third date of the episode involves mud, wedding dresses, and more advertising. Chris takes several gals to San Fran to do a mud run in wedding dresses. Jillian happens to be on this date, and also happens to be a beast, so she wins the muddy obstacle course thanks to ABC not testing for performance enhancing drugs. According to Carly, she'd need to run a mile every day for five years to keep up with Jillian. That's a loooot of laps around the cruise ship, honey. Jillian wins a one-on-one dinner with Chris, and it appears no one every told her the rules of this show. She seems to be under the impression she's actually supposed to talk about herself...so naturally he's bored out of his mind and ends up giving her the boot. Goodbye Jillian. We'll miss your front and back censorship boxes.

The world may never know.

Finally, we make it to the cocktail party (thank goodness, because we're running out of wine!). A bunch of girls do a bunch of boring things, and then Ashley I comes back in outfit repeating glory. The producers obviously told her Chris didn't really understand her during their conversation in the tent, because homegirl decides to reiterate her whole "I'm a virgin" speech as if she's telling him she has an infectious disease. He looks pretty shocked and a little scared. Carly is just as shocked, because "[Ashley's] mouth is not a virgin." Ten points to Gryffindor for that comment. Ashley flips out and sheds some more betch tears. Then we find out Becca is also a virgin, because, you know, sexual history is the only important quality about a female...duh.

At the rose ceremony, we say goodbye to Juelia, Nikki, and Ashley S. Thank goodness.

She may feel nothing, but you'll feel pain.

Next week should be a doozey, since someone requires medical attention (5pts) and Kesley starts to show her real crazy.

Points are up. We're still missing dues and team names from a few players. So get those in or we'll tell Ashley S. where you live!

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Chris Week Three: I'd Shuck That

This week on The Bachelor, ABC confirms that this show is a joke by bringing on a guest host--none other than the great Jimmy Kimmel. The episode opens with Jimmy sneaking into Chris' bachelor pad and waking him up in the morning. Chris is relatively unfazed and looks surprisingly good for having just woken up. I wish I #wokeuplikethat. Or #wokeupnexttothat. I'd settle for either.

We learn that Jimmy will be third wheeling on each of the dates this week and offering Chris guidance where he can. He gives the first date card to Kaitlyn and we're off!

Kaitlyn gets all dolled up in her crop top and she and Chris sip on some bubbly en route to their romantic date. When they pull up to their final destination at COSTCO, they both immediately chug their glasses before getting out. Surprise! Jimmy assures them that "this is what real couples do together." You know what they say, "Couples that shop at Costco one time, stay together for three months max after the show airs."

They make out in the bubble soccer ball. This is cute but it just reminds me how salty I am that no one would join my bubble soccer team last fall.

Totally thrilling and not at all dangerous!

They load up their cart with three steaks, a few folding chairs, and an ungodly amount of ketchup and head back to the house to cook dinner for themselves...and Jimmy.

Jimmy arrives and discovers that Kaitlyn has given all her lipstick to Chris. We learn that Kaitlyn has a very manly laugh while Chris just giggles like a little girl. Seriously, you can't un-hear this. His giggle is pretty much all I listened to the rest of the episode. During dinner the three of them chat casually about sex in the fantasy suite. Jimmy tells Chris that "God made him the bachelor," basically confirming what we all already knew. Chris Harrison = God. Kait gets the rose.

The ultimate third wheel.

Montage of Jillian working out. Good lord this woman is terrifying. Rob says, "I don't know if terrifying is the word I'd use." TMI, Rob.

Now we move on to the group date. FINALLY we get to see the girls perform some farm tasks! We can really evaluate how well they'd survive as a farmer's wife. The tasks are as follows:

1. Shuck as much corn as you can, as quickly as you can. I see what you're getting at here, Chris/producers... ;)
2. Search the chicken coop for an egg, crack it into a skillet without breaking the yolk. Okay seriously if you can't crack an egg without breaking the yolk then GTFO. Honestly who are these girls that's like a basic life skill. McKenzie fails at this task. I feel bad for Kale because he's obviously missing out on some great breakfasts back home.
3. Milk a goat and then drink the milk. The lactose intolerant girl chugs hers like a champ, which really bodes well for the rest of the evening...
4. Pig penning. I've done this on a horse with cows instead of pigs. Not that hard. The girls are squealing louder than the pigs.

I have to admit I am very disappointed in the lack of farming innuendoes during this portion of the date.

During the after party, Chris kisses every girl except Becca who plays the "you have to earn it" card. Chris says "mad respect" and they hug it out. She gets the group date rose, proving that modest is hottest. The other girls whine about it and Chris is just like, "There's a fair amount of kissing going on which is kind of the point of this whole deal." #truthbomb

*Interlude while Corinne washes out the red wine in her glass with white wine so she can switch to a new bottle. Rob offers to wash it out with Miller Lite from his 40.*

Whitney's date card says "NO WHINING." Is that because her voice is so annoying? 

They spot a wedding from their perch in the vineyard and decide to crash it. Whitney actually says YOLO which is major points against her. She turns it around though thankfully. They get drunk real quick, ditch the cameras, buy a gift and make their way to the reception. Chris gets nervous and giggles a few times but Whit has their story down and they kill it. I wish her voice wasn't so shrill because this is pretty great. Good for Whitney.

Chris talks about how he can see Whitney as his wife. ~*pRomiSiNG!*~ 

Back at Bachelor Mansion, Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior informs the girls of some bad news. There will be no cocktail party this evening. BECAUSE WE'RE HAVING A POOL PARTY INSTEAD, BITCHEZZZZ!!!!! Classic bait and switch, Chris Harrison! He tells the ladies that Chris will be arriving in one hour, sending them all into a tizzy. Only one hour to apply all the waterproof makeup available in the greater Los Angeles area! 

Chris arrives and the party is on. He cannon balls into the pool (such an attention hog) and every girl cowers to protect her hair. Jimmy Kimmel has had more fun in the tub with Chris this week than all the girls combined, so this is pretty much the Hail Mary moment for all of them.

Such a tender moment.

The girls pull out all the stops:

• Juelia shares her sob story, which is actually a sob-worthy story. Heavy stuff for a drunk pool party.
• Jade and Chris "test out the bed." Major side boob/under boob/nude bikini happening here.
• Jillian waits for them outside in the hot tub.
• McKenzie, Ashley I and Megan team up to steal Chris from Jillian for "one on one" time but Jillian doesn't leave. Good for her. Honestly, I probably wouldn't leave either. It's not one on one time if there are three of them. This is not junior high. If you want Chris to yourself, just (wo)man up and do it. You don't need a posse to help you.
• Ashley I gets drunk disappointed and tosses her plastic wine glass down the driveway in despair. #alliteration

Where is Chris Harrison during all of this? I want him to join the pool party one of these days.

Rose ceremony time. No catastrophes this week which is a huge bummer. Everyone lands on both feet and relatively sober(ish). Ashley I receives the final rose of the evening, and approaches Chris with the desperate relief of making it to the bank right before it closes. 

You're welcome.

We say goodbye (and, "who are you again?") to Tracy, Trina and Amber. Oh yeah and Samantha/giraffe. We also learn that there's another virgin in the group! Can't wait to find out who it is. 

The point gap is growing steadily in each pool. Check standings here. Current leaders are Mary Clare, Nora and Katharine. Nice work this week, everyone!

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Chris Week Two: Dawn of the Living Crazies

Thank goodness Monday Night Bachelor is back! Week two is quite a doozie of ditzes.  Let's dive right in, shall we?

ABC left us with a cliff hanger last week with sore-loser-Kimberly. Chris made many dumb, drama-inducing decisions this week, and keeping Kimberly was one of them. We enjoyed all the shade being thrown in her direction, though. All the other contestants were quite bitter, but soon got over it when the producers finally let them go to bed.

The next morning, our first date card is delivered, and praise Chris Harrison, it's a group date. It's a gaggle of girls whose names I cannot even begin to remember (thanks a lot, fermented grapes). The producers Chris makes them strip down into their itsy bitsy, teenie weenie bikinis for a "pool party" followed by a bikini tractor race...because apparently that's normal. Chris spends some alone time with Kimberly where she basically gives him a love fern, and they do the whole "starting over" cliche. Later he gets some one-on-one time with the Kim Kardashian wannabe sitting on a tractor, Unfortunately the tractor was not in motion with both of them on it, thus no First Tractor Points were awarded.

Next on the dating docket, McKenzie gets selected for some prolonged one-on-one time, and we learn that she's a grade A psycho. Before giggling like a school girl, she was sure to tell him how perfect his big nose is (who says that??) and ask him if he believes in aliens. Finally, she timidly told him about her surprise child named Kale...that's right. Kale. Every time she talks about how cute her kid is I just picture an extraordinarily beautiful bunch of chewy lettuce. Let's just stop this paragraph right there, because Mama always said if you don't have anything nice to say, move on to the next sarcastic thought. Yes, McKenzie got a rose.

The first one-on-one date of the season went to Megan. She scored some serious pointage with the First Helicopter Ride as the two traveled over the Grand Canyon. The date was pretty typical: the two shared 6 minutes of conversation and spent the rest of the film reel snogging.

Imma take this moment to make one serious, out-of-character statement. We heard some pretty heartbreaking stories from Megan and Juelia this episode. Because I have a human soul, I can't bring myself to talk too much smack about them, even if Juelia's name is spelled incorrectly. If they do something ridiculous next week, I'll reconsider, but for now, Megan, Juelia, I'm sorry for your losses. Juelia is re-qualified for life.

Now that that moment of weakness is over...

We are now to the best part of the night. For the second group date, the girls are brought to a remote location and frightened by interns dressed as zombies. As Eliz so accurately pointed out, the girls' screams were on par with that time JP saw his girls with no makeup. Ees not ok!

This date includes zombies, paintball guns, and a complete lunatic known as Ashley S. Crazy Eyes McGee must have been on some kind of drugs, because she was completely incoherent from the time the date started to when a producer took her home and re-fastened the straight jacket. As Kaitlin pointed out, 'ole Ash-face shouldn't be entrusted with a wet noodle, let alone a paintball gun.

Surprisingly, this date ends with Kaitlin getting a rose, and NOT with a trip to the nut house for them all. We were shocked.

Now we've gotten to the rose ceremony. Chris basically makes out with everyone, and then Jordan gets white girl wasted, which she's apparently been doing all week. Our Party Princess earned 12 whole Visibly Intoxicated points, which is a new league record.

Before I end this post, let's all take a moment to talk about Jillian. Our first visit with her this week included a black censorship box covering both the front AND back of her bathing suit, leaving us completely baffled. We find out later in the episode, thanks to a drunk cohort, she does not groom her body hair. After laughing, the whole viewing party had another moment of sympathy and actually felt bad that Jillian's grooming details were shared with all of the non-football watching population of America. Sorry, girlfriend. Icing on top of the cake: Jillian totally thought her name was being called when Chris really said "Juelia," so the woolly mammoth walked forward, almost face planted on the laminate floor, and cackled like the Wicked Witch of the West. Jillian had an all around rough week. If only we handed out humiliation points. Thankfully, we don't.

Points have been updated and losers removed. There are some early league leaders, but there are plenty of weeks left for change.

Does this zip height make me look "urban"?

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Chris Week One, Draft Night: Prince Farming's Big Debut

Well, folks, it's finally that time of year when Mondays are our favorite day of the week. BACHELOR SEASON IS BACK! Put on your snazziest judging clothes, because all bets are on.

In case you live under a rock and/or are a complete moron, this season's piece of meat up for grabs is hunky farm boy Chris: a millionaire farmer from Podunk Arlington, Iowa. He subtly made a name for himself on Andi's season by being the most rational, reasonable contestant ever to set foot in the Bachelor mansion.

Here's hoping ABC brought their first string producers and interns to stir up some drama for us, because I am a little fearful that Chris' devastating earnestness won't make great TV. But based on the season's previews, I'm confident that the producers won't disappoint. A few things we've got in store for us include:

• "The strangest rose ceremony we've ever seen on the show"
• VIRGIN! IN THE FANTASY SUITE! 

Say it in Professor Quirrell's voice 

• Someone requiring oxygen from a medical professional
• Make-out montages
• Betch tears on betch tears on betch tears

Some notes before we get started. Point categories are located here. Team Rosters are here. For clarity purposes, Bachelor Chris will be referred to as Chris, among any/all punny nicknames we assign him. Chris Harrison will always be referred to as Chris Harrison, Cupid, Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior, or simply CH. 

Master Matchmaker

Let's go through the ladies in alphabetical order. Chris is presented with an unprecedented 30 potential wifeys this season, and quickly gets overwhelmed by the choices. At one point, he confesses, "I wish I was a polygamist right now."

This is how I would be if I were in Chris' shoes:

Luckily for us, Chris is more open minded. Let's take a look-see...

Alissa, 24, flight attendant. Brought a seatbelt and did the demo. "That was f***ing adorable." -said all the bachelorettes from inside, and all of us viewers at home.

Amanda, 24, ballet teacher. Alarmingly large eyes. Tried to be Chris' secret admirer the way he was for Andi. Didn't pull it off; Chris' reaction was, "K." She was sent home.

Amber, 29, bartender. Brought her teddy bear...

Ashley I, 26, nanny.

Ashley S, 24, hair stylist. Got wasted and started hallucinating pomegranates outside with the producers while she talked about peeling away the layers of an onion. She looks very distracted all the time, not much going on upstairs.

Becca, 25, chiropractic assistant. Chris dug her. Checkin her OUT and tongue tied.

Bo, 25, plus-size model

Britt, 27, waitress. Gave Chris the longest hug ever experienced and OMG she is almost as devastatingly earnest as he is. Is this even possible?? Early front runner, probably has a target on her back. #bachelorjargon

Brittany, 26, WWE diva-in-training. Enough said.

Carly, 29, cruise ship singer. During her entrance, other girls were watching from inside. "What is she singing?" "I don't know but I think she's going to get eliminated tonight."

Jade, 28, cosmetics developer. Seems legit. Promising musical accompaniment with her entrance.

Jillian, 25, news producer. Kind of scary. Keeps flexing for the camera...?

Jordan, 24, student. Takes whiskey shots with Chris as her entrance gimmick.

Juelia 30, esthetician. Disqualified from life based on the spelling of her name.

Kaitlyn, 29, dance instructor. Doesn't blink often enough. Tells super inappropriate jokes, is loud and crude. She'll earn some points for us hopefully.

Kara, 25, high school soccer coach. Got out of the limo and immediately mentions having babies with Chris. Slow your roll, girlfriend.

Kelsey, 28, guidance counselor. We like Kelsey. She's cute and normal.

Kimberly, 28, yoga instructor.

Mackenzie, 21, dental assistant. She's 21.

Megan, 23, makeup artist.

Michelle, 25, wedding cake decorator.

Nicole, 31, real estate agent. Red head! Solidarity, sister. Sorry you went home.

Nikki, 26, FORMER NFL cheerleader. The Josh of Chris' season. What is she currently doing with her life?! Also my dog's name is Nikki.

Reegan, 28, donated tissue specialist. She brought out tissue from a heart and Chris was disgusted, so she reminded him that "IT WAS A JOKE" while making that emoji face with all the teeth.

IT WAS A JOKE.

Samantha, 27, fashion designer.

Tandra, 30, executive assistant. Rode in on a motorcycle.

Tara, 26, sport fishing enthusiast. I assume she's taking a cue from Dog Lover on her profession. Homegirl stepped out of the limo in daisy dukes and cowgirl boots and Chris seemed to dig it. She should've quit while she was ahead. She proceeded to change clothes, re-introduce herself, and then slam a few too many Jack on the rocks. She barely made it through the rose ceremony without vomming and passing out. Chris decided to give her a second chance so we'll see how she handles her liquor next week. Jack wins every time, Tara. Everyone knows that.

Tracy, 29, fourth grade teacher.

Trina, 33, special education teacher.

Whitney, 29, fertility nurse. Corinne knows her! Kind of.

The whole thing with two groups of limos was silly. "Another limo showed up in front of the mansion surprising everyone no one." -Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior. All this did was cause a huge rift between the Original Fifteen and the Nouveau Femmes.

Also why was this premiere THREE WHOLE HOURS? So unnecessary. Britt got the First Impression Rose and the First Real Kiss, blowing everyone else out of the water and earning us lots of points right out of the gate. Lots of people are #TeamBritt, but I have to say I'm a little skeptical. She seems almost too good to be true. I think the producers are setting America up for heartbreak. Planting the seeds early.

In true Bachelor form, ABC left us with a cliffhanger! Kimberly was eliminated but after crying some betch tears for the camera she decided she wasn't ready to leave just yet (even though it was morning wtf I'd be out of there so fast). She goes back in to talk to Chris in what will hopefully be a teary drunken confrontation. We won't know for sure until next week! Can't wait. This is going to be a great season.

We have a record number of people playing this season, so we had to make THREE pools! Points are up here. Those with Britt on their teams are killing it right now, but don't fret! There will be plenty of crazy to go around.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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