Nick V Week Two: Happy Boob-day To You

Hello, my little minions.

Comin at ya this week from a raucous watch party in Nashville! It was a challenge fitting everyone into my living room.

Nah jk it's just me and my good friend Chardonnay. Nashville Conference, let's get our shit together.

Priorities, people. Priorities.

Right off the bat we're greeted by the ladies in the purest form of Bachelor salutations: shouting from an elevated area. Four points to each of those 14 ladies and let me tell you, that identification process was a bitch.

Morning visit from Our Lord and Savior! I love when we get impromptu appearances like this. All of the ladies are at their prime: haven't eaten since 3pm yesterday, newly energized by their 8am and 10am workouts, likely on their 5th mimosa. Just how I like to be when I receive my daily agenda from a god incarnate like ol' Chris Harrison.

The girls get the first date card. It's a group date: Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L, Taylor and Elizabeth. They specifically call her Elizabeth W, which angers me beyond measure.

Don't tarnish my name, please. I am begging you.

The card says, "Always a bridesmaid..." In case you missed the joke (which almost all the girls did), it's the first half of the phrase, "Always a bridesmaid, never the bride." It refers to a woman who is a frequent participant in weddings buuuuuut never quite the star, i.e. the likely fate of most of these ladies, let's be honest.

None of these girls understand the phrase. Like, at all.
Dumb: "Wow, I've never been a bridesmaid! This will be fun!"
Dumber: "Wow, I've been a bridesmaid, but never a bride! This will be Nick's and my first time together! This will be fun!"

My eyes cannot roll back far enough in my head.

Nick: "I had this BRILLIANT idea to take wedding photos for our date." Oh did you, Nick?

So Nick is taking wedding photos with each girl in their different bridal gowns. It's awkward because Nick is, well, Nick, and the girls are all wasted. Oh my gawd, honestly, they are getting SO territorial, peeing on Nick kissing Nick in front of each other to get a one-up on everyone else. Seriously, girls. Be cool. "Hard to get" is a strategy that works. It's tried and true. Just ask Liz.

...Too soon?

Alexis, who is assigned the role of Shotgun Bride, is now 2 for 2 on days spent with Nick in costume. Alexis does not know what a shotgun wedding is, so there's that. She also has a horrendous New Jersey accent, so there's also that.

Corinne: "I get to wear a bikini, but Brittany gets to wear a bikini without a top. She has less clothes on than I do and it's not fairrrrrrr! Daddyyyyyyyyy."

Corinne is 100% the type of girl who only has guy friends and doesn't understand why she just can't get along with other girls.

We cut to a v important conversation in the house, where the girls are talking about who's kissed Nick so far. Because what else are they going to talk about? Liz is lording over them all, with a sly smile about her secret sex with Nick nine months ago. She's so condescending and it's super annoying. Like okay CONGRATS, Liz, he boned you in the bathroom at a wedding. You had your chance and you didn't take it. Move along, please.

Side note: every time Liz says "we hooked up nine months ago," I feel like she's about to announce that she just gave birth to Nick's child and she's here to retrieve her baby daddy. The ultimate plot twist! A girl can dream...

Back on the date, Corinne continues to fret about someone looking sexier than she does. Her crippling insecurities are shocking. Do you think you're the only person who's ever experienced that feeling, Corinne? Welcome to being a woman. Spoiler alert: she doesn't handle it well.

Someone put an intern on 24/7 Corinne watch - she seems like the violent type.

When it's Corinne's turn for her photo shoot, she goes for the power play by removing her bikini top and forcing Nick to cover her breasts. Nick looks exceptionally uncomfortable, as do the 10 other women in the immediate vicinity who are also trying to date him. This actually makes me pretty mad. It's basically sexual assault! Hear me out. What if the roles had been reversed here? What if Nick had been the one to remove his swimsuit and made Corinne cover his boner with her hands? America would be OUTRAGED, and rightfully so. I will take serious issue with anyone who champions this as bold and empowering feminism. You and Corinne can get OUTTA HERE with your manipulative bullshit. You can't do that.

But, against all odds (or perhaps most predictably), Corinne wins the competition. She has convinced herself that this is how you find a husband. Serious question for our straight, male readers out there: is she right? Have I been doing it wrong all this time? Should I be throwing my platinum vagine at you (her words, not mine) in exchange for a platinum ring?!?! Please weigh in in the comments.

Corinne: "When I feel something, I feel it with my boobs whole heart."

Corinne: "Dad would be proud. Even though I was naked, Dad would be proud."

I don't even know where to begin to unpack that statement.

At the wrap party, we overhear Brittany ask Nick, "Whose boobs were better? Mine or Corinne's?" As a reminder, Brittany was also topless for the photo shoot. But girlfriend, why would you subject yourself, or the man you're trying to marry, to that question? You're just begging to be objectified, evaluated, and deceived.

We learn that Raven got cheated on in her last relationship. The ex conversation lasts for appx 45 seconds, short and sweet. If I were on the Bachelor, my dating history would get its own spin off show--called Quit Dating Dweebs.

Actually, this is the title of my memoir. Look for it in a bookstore near you. 

Success story epilogue still TBD.

Short interlude where we see the date card arrive for Danielle M. Yay! "Your relationship is about to take off." IN A HELICOPTER?! PLEASE CHRIS HARRISON WE CAN ONLY HOPE.

Alexis continues to draw the short straw on the group date. She sits down with Nick and literally says one sentence before she's interrupted by Corinne. Her one sentence was, "I'm from Jersey." In a comically emphasized accent, to boot. What a unique Bachelor Journey that will definitely not lead to Alexis getting engaged! From Left Shark (which she continues to insist was a dolphin) to Pregnant Bride, now Girl from Jersey. If anyone deserves a participation trophy, it's Alexis.

Corinne and Taylor get into an interrupting war with each other, obviously instigated by Corinne who is the worst. Corinne refers to herself in the third person. Corinne also has never heard of the Golden Rule.

Taylor, hoping that Nick doesn't think with his dick: "Maybe his heart's coming to me and my brain!"

Corinne, knowing that Nick absolutely thinks with his dick: "All I did was put my boobs out there and I was myself! Just Corinne, clothes not necessary."

Corinne comes back from her third snog sesh with Nick. She's clearly still intoxicated and suddenly starts pontificating about how she's not here to make friends. Totally unwarranted and the other girls are staring at her like mmmmmmmm OKAY CORINNE.

In an unexpected turn of events (eye roll), Corinne gets the rose. She gives an acceptance speech like it's the freaking Golden Globes. Relax, Meryl.

Nick, bruh. Really?

Raven, to camera: "If Nick likes the kind of girl who leads with her sexuality, no wonder it's his fourth time on the show."
America, to each other: "That's SO Raven."

I think some of these girls might be confused. This is NICK. The one who called Andi out on national television for her hit it and quit it Fantasy Suite. The one who came on Kaitlyn's season halfway through and slept with her almost immediately, stirring the pot with the biggest wood(en spoon) he could muster find. Do these girls not know what they signed up for? This is not Sean Lowe, the born-again virgin. No wonder Corinne is winning!

Corinne: "When I was talking to Nick, he was like, LISTENING. Guys usually don't LISTEN to me!" It's clear that Corinne has low standards, but hey - low standards doesn't mean no standards. (h/t IRL Corinne)

with these people.

Finally the group date is over and it's time for Danielle M's one-on-one.

FIRST HELICOPTER! No fanfare! I appreciate your humility, ABC. Good job.

Danielle literally can't talk and it's adorable. They helicopter around for a while and then hang out on a yacht. Precious.

At dinner, we learn that Danielle's fiancé died from a drug overdose and she was the one who found him. She didn't even know he had been an addict. So tragic. Hug your loved ones, people.

On a lighter note, Danielle's jumpsuit is FIRE. She gets the rose and then she and Nick make out on a ferris wheel. #swoon

Meanwhile, Liz really needs to let her sex secret out.

Liz: "I need to talk about me and Nick having sex. Who can I trust? Def the virgin."

A producer play at its best, but I still love it.

As Christen learns the details of Liz and Nick's sordid past, she gets that uncomfortable, toothy smile that people get when they reeeeeally don't want to be having that conversation anymore. I've made that face many times. She is getting new details from Liz every hour, on the hour. It's like whenever I start dating someone new and all my closest friends get by-the-minute screenshots of our text messages. #analysisparalysis

Another date card arrives. Thank goodness. Sarah runs to retrieve it. Sarah runs everywhere. Anyone else notice that? Really sticking to her first night gimmick.

"We need to talk..." date with Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina and Liz.

Josephine: "I'm so excited! I haven't had this feeling since I was a teenager three years ago!"

They visit the Museum of Broken Relationships, which is basically a memorial of Bachelors and Bachelorettes past.

Nick donated Kaitlyn's engagement ring and a dead rose to the museum. Did Neil Lane approve that?

The girls have to do an exercise where they pretend to break up with Nick. The purpose of this exercise is to mentally prepare them for when Nick breaks up with them.

Nick to Josephine: "Can't wait to see how insane you are."

Liz to Nick: "U ready, bro? This shit is about to get real."

Most of the breakups are pretty unremarkable, except for Josephine. Josephine does an A+ skit wherein Nick is an alcoholic and she decides to leave him. She slaps Nick across the face and he definitely gets a boner from it.

Liz's turn. Damnit, Liz, stop being such an attention whore. She's telling their actual story and it's awful. You could cut the tension with a knife. No one knows the story is real, but everyone can sense Liz's crazy, simmering there beneath her psycho eyes. Yo, everyone is confused and Liz is the worst.

At the wrap party, Jaimi tells Nick that she used to date a woman. They joke about competing for the same girls in the house. I feeeeel like she might have just friend zoned herself with that line. Interesting that ABC just skimmed right over the fact that Jaimi is bisexual. I wonder if they'll come back to it? We shall see.

They clearly have bigger fish to fry this week.

Liz continues to prove that she sucks. Nick agrees and sends her home unceremoniously. Points on points on points! Apparently "always a bridesmaid, never Nick's bride" applies to Liz as well. #foreshadowing

Prediction: Liz will never wear that romper again. It is not nearly as cute from the back as she thinks it is.

We're left with a cliffhanger, so no rose ceremony this week.

"oh no. alexis. no no no no no no noooooooo." I forgot why I wrote this and just remembered. During the credits, we see Alexis trotting out two cupcakes decorated as boobs. Because it's her one year fake boob-iversary. She and Nick eat them together and I want to punch her in the face. How dare she disrespect cupcakes like that?

Next week we anticipate a dramatic fallout from the Liz sitch. Can't wait to watch these girls crumble after hearing the news. Should be mahhhvelous.

High points earned this week! Check your standings. Leave us some validation below. Our egos will appreciate it.

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth
League Commissioner