Kaitlyn Finale: Shine Bright Like a Neil Lane Diamond

We finally leave the land of boring "hometowns" and head back to Los Angeles. The peanut gallery is berating both Shawn and Nick for being such whiny little bitches about each other. Seriously, will it ever stop? And then, in the midst of the suitcase packing montage, as if sent from Chris Harrison above, Shawn bends over.

Silence from the peanut gallery.

I'll just wait for Shawn right here.

Dat ass doe.

Kaitlyn's family comes all the way from Canada to meet these two dudes, one of whom will be part of their lives for the foreseeable future forever. She tells them first aboot Nick, and aboot how they boned super early, oopsies! Then when he arrives and right before they go in she's all, "Oh yeah by the way, they know we had sex on the first date." What a way to make a first impression. Throwing him to the lions!

Kaitlyn needs a haircut, those split ends are killer. It must be from her recent dye job.

Nick doesn't fit on the couch!! How incredibly awkward. He also talks behind his hands which just screams DON'T TRUST ME.

Nick would fail at trust falls.

Kaitlyn says her relationship with Nick is intense. But wait a minute...I thought it was in cabins! (Hi Julie)

I packed all wrong.

K's mom is skeptical about Nick. They sit down for a spontaneous heart to heart. WOW omg so many man tears from Nick and a complete 180 from the mom. I think Nick sheds more man tears in this conversation than all other men in Bachelor History combined. She loves him what the heck.

Mom: "I saw you last season. You were arrogant. Are you surprised you've made it this far?"
Nick: "NOPE! Cause I'm awesome."

Nick gets the blessing from the dad.

Well played, kid.

Shawn's turn! He comes bearing flowers and moonshine. Even a gift for the sister's kids! He's winning so far.

Mom: "I have a question for you. I already asked this of The Other Guy."
Shawn: "Gonna stop you right there... Knucks."
Mom: "I just need to know. Are my eyelashes too out of control?"

Mom talks to Shawn about Nick because that's the most important thing of all time in all relationships ever. She basically tells Shawn in so many words that Kaitlyn is a sloot and he just has to deal. Also she cries at the drop of a hat. Like mother, like daughter I guess.

The fam is #TeamShawn. He talks to Dad for a bit, then makes the power move and brings in Mom for the asking for hand in marriage. They say yes to him too.

You have our blessing! And YOU have our blessing! AND YOU have our blessing!

Nick's final date on a boat. They snog and talk about their families getting together at a bbq. That seems legit. But overall Nick's date is not going great. She seems to be pulling back from him. They keep reminiscing and talking about nothing special.

Nick: "I got you a gift, it's in my pants bedroom."

Oh lord, it's poetry. Nope nope nope. He can't even get artistry as a form of flattery points here ughhhhh! She looks like she feels guilty about this gift, like she's leading him on by accepting it.

Shawn's final date at a winery. We learn that Shawn has a sunscreen intern! There's hope for me on the show after all! That was the only thing holding me back...signing up now.

Shawn gives really good toasts too. Did he and Ben H take Toastmasters together?

They sit in the winery and talk for a while, and this happens:

Kaitlyn makes Shawn a little nervy because she's incapable of expressing her emotions (I feel your pain, girlfriend). But they talk it out and have an adorable conversation about their future together.

Shawn gives her a memory jar. She's noticeably more excited and touchy with him than she is with Nick. Gosh darn it they are so cute together. #ItIsDecided

Neil Lane's here! Good to see you, man. Welcome back. Nick and Shawn pick out rings from a predetermined, Bach-ette approved selection.

IT IS TIME.

Damn, Shawn looks freakin SHARP. Not many men can wear a suit like he can. Juxtapose that beautiful specimen with a shot of Nick getting ready with puka shell bracelets. No contest. Take those off, you are 34 years old!

Wait, the proposal is happening at the house?? The budget is getting SLASHED this season. This is lame.

Remember Bali? Or the Caymans? Or all of those beach places?

Who's getting the boot?? The anxiety is killing me! The driveway is gleaming so beautifully, how long did the interns have to hoard their leftover shower water to make that cement so wet? #droughtproblems

Nick's limo arrives first. Once second best, always second best. She lets him say a whole spiel but then stops him before he gets down on one knee. She should've ended it earlier and not let him talk. Poor guy. They have one of the most legit breakups ever on the show. That was for real. He seemed legitimately mad and hurt and they actually talked about real things.

Tossing the Neil Lane box and then the Claddagh ring. Such a statement. Sorry, Nick V. Looks like a classic case of Other Guys Finish Last.

Maybe next season, champ.

Okay but for real she looks so much happier with Shawn. You can see it in her eyes. Shawn wins the Final Rose, Kaitlyn's heart, and 40 POINTS! They seem happy. Good for them. Roses to Riches wishes you all the best.

And just like that, it's over. Our 5th season has come to a close. Congrats to our winners! In the Chicago Conference, Never Gonna Win Corinne ran away with it and ended up with an incredible 313 points. Competitive Clare had Shawn on her team and jumped two spots to second place, bumping Elizabeth's Team of Calloused Up Weinies to third and pushing Julie's Jerks off the podium.

Chicago Conference #2 was a tight race to the end. Maddie took first place with 243! Audrey's Angsty Assholes finished in a close second with 237 points. League newcomer Sara took third with 205.

In Chicago Conference #3, Shannon finished first with 293 points. Jenna trailed a bit behind but took second with 208 points. Emily came in third with 159.

Finally, we can't forget about our Nashville Conference! Wurzy's Weiners scored the number one spot with 296 points, followed by Team Catherine: Dem Boiz with 250 and then Caitmen with 241.

Cheers to this year's winners.

Well played, everyone. This was a great season. The producers definitely threw us for a few loops but we all came out stronger and drunker at the end of it. Here's to true love and eternal happiness. And wine.

Enjoy Bachelor in Paradise. See you this winter for #BenHforBachelor.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

POST SCRIPT:
We would be remiss not to mention the debt of gratitude we owe to our new Director of Social Media Mary Clare Walsh. Her wit each week was remarkable and we are so excited to have her as part of the Roses to Riches team. Thank you, MC!!! Register on time next season and you'll get to play :)

An example of her fine dedication to the league

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Kaitlyn Week Nine: Bach Shit Cray

We're getting down to the wire! It's an odd week of both fantasy suites AND hometowns, an emotional roller coaster for everyone. Deep breaths, everyone. Okay. Let's resume this catfight between Nick and Shawn.

Shawn: "I just want to get what I'm feeling off my chest. I hate you and you're the worst."
Nick: "Don't hate me cause you ain't me."

Pretty anticlimactic, I have to say.

Date with Ben H. They ride horses through the Irish countryside. They are continually surprised at how tame and responsive the horses are! Even the feisty one! I'm giving Kaitlyn so much side eye right now.

They have a picnic outside a castle...fantastic setup by the interns.

Kaitlyn: "The architect of this castle is the same guy who designed Buckingham Palace! I know this because I am smart and worldly." Oh did you just pull that fun fact out of your own tiny brain, Kaitlyn? I doubt it.

Kaitlyn tells Ben they're having dinner and sexy time in that castle. He flips out a little, it's like he's never watched the show before.

They Sweater Swap before dinner.

Kaitlyn: "If all goes well, Ben and I will bone here tonight!"

Ben gives the best toasts. Heart eyes emoji. The interns prepped him well. OH OKAY BEN with the most perfect Fantasy Suite proposal response of all time. *producers high-five each other off camera*

He leaves with a backpack the next morning and is all kinds of adorable.

Date with Shawn. They go golfing, Kaitlyn makes him wear bright clothes in a HILARIOUS PRANK. Shawn keeps hitting his balls into the water, which is a great metaphor for how this whole season has gone for him. Clearly Kaitlyn's six weeks of lessons in anticipation of this very moment have paid off. She actually beats Shawn and her prize is Shawn B's body in all its naked glory. She dares him go streaking across the golf course (would make a joke about why American tourists are hated all over the world...but she's Canadian).

Shawn takes his pants off. I'm sorry, who do you think you are with that underwear? Michael Phelps?

Oh, hello.

Didn't think so. But ya still look good, Shawn. Just keep stripping, just keep stripping.

Confession: I just spent a long time looking through pictures of Michael Phelps to find just the right one. Not the worst way to spend half an hour... 

Kaitlyn pulls a Parent Trap and steals his clothes while he's putting. He chases after her and they just run around naked for a while. The best part of this whole incident is the entire crew that has to follow the action outside the frame. The boom guy, probably two different cameras, plus an intern or two, all getting a serious eyeful on this date. What a job perk!

At "dinner" they talk about The Process. Shawn continues to spew nonsense about Nick. He uses the word allegations and Corinne makes us pause so she can go take a cold shower. #vocabturnons

They bone. He leaves pretty abruptly the next morning.
Kaitlyn as Shawn walks away: "Shawn does have a great butt, but is it worth all this drama?"

Nick is waiting in the wings as Shawn leaves bonetown. But here's a question...wasn't his date in a completely different part of the country? Which poor souls had to drive him all the way to Northern Ireland so he could lean against the wall in such a formidable fashion? #BachelorInterns #unsungheroes

They have yet another verbal altercation. Afterwards, Shawn retreats to his safe room bathroom to hide his rage boner collect himself.

Side note: remember when this was supposed to be a serious confrontation?

#throwback #TouchyTony

Back to the Rose Ceremony. Before handing out roses, Kaitlyn has a mini meltdown. She turns a complete 360 degrees to avoid ugly crying on camera. Her heart is beating out of her chest, per usual. Shouldn't that be a red flag that you might be making a mistake? Just one girl's opinion.

Nick and Shawn get roses. Not surprised.

We say a sad (BUT TEARLESS?!?!) goodbye to Ben H. I was really counting on those points. Very disappointed in his lack of emotion. Can I rewind to this last weekend and audition for Ben H's Bach season? He's it for sure. A comparable exit to Jared in terms of class, but less rodent-y, better looking, more universal appeal. I mean, who didn't have a crush on Peter Brady growing up? He was the best part of the Brady Bunch. Plus Ben already knows all the Bachelor Buzzwords! Minimal prep needed.

Anyway, time for low budget fakeout hometowns...bringing the families to Utah? Seems random. But we have already seen Nick's hometown, plus if Nick and Shawn are near each other there is more potential for dramatic encounters. I see what you're doing, producers.

I can't look away

Everyone in Nick's family is crying about this situation. Poor Viall fam, they're just a nice Catholic family from Wisconsin and this show is ripping them apart.

The phrase "someone only a mother could love" was definitely coined about Nick. "My family is worried about me because I keep messing my life up on national television."

Kaitlyn to cameras: "We have insane, passionate chemistry and we can't keep our hands off each other."
Kaitlyn to family: "We have great conversation."

Nick and Mom have a nice heart to heart. They both cry. Is he normal in real life? Can't tell.

Shawn's "hometown" date is less teary. Where does Shawn get his looks from? It's clearly not his dad. Mom is inexplicably MIA. Shawn is like a little kid begging for his older sisters' approval. Pretty endearing I guess. They mostly like her.

JK I'm sure his sisters are lovely.

End of hometowns. In two weeks, we're scooping up Neil Lane and then heading to the tropics! Men Tell All is next week so no blog post. FINALLY BACK ON SCHEDULE. Thank goodness.

Even though there's only one draftee left in the league, the standings are not final. Depending on which guy gets The Final Rose, some teams may be able to overtake current leaders. This is why I love the league...gotta keep y'all on the edge of your seats! Check your standings here and see if you're still in the running.

I am not winning. 

Are you Team Nick or Team Shawn? Let us know who you're rooting for in the comments.

PREACH.

Also, don't forget to follow us on Twitter! Check us out over there on the right side column or go straight to the page to see our hilarious episode commentary. S/o to Director of Social Media Mary Clare Walsh, who is working hard on skyrocketing us to internet fame. She's funny.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Kaitlyn Week Eight: Killjoys in Killarney

Welcome back to the Shawn B Anxiety Hour. The group is hanging out in Killarney, Ireland and Kaitlyn is still whining on about her overnight with Nick. Dude, Kaitlyn, your sleepover was like four days ago, which is MONTHS in Bachelorette time. It's time to move on.

Unforunately, we did not get to see what became of Cupcake at the end of his cliffside meltdown last episode. Let's hope he didn't jump.

Ben H gets a workout one-on-one date. He gets to row Kaitlyn around in a boat for probably hours. When Ben H gets exhausted but not too sweaty, the two get to roam around on a private island. Ben H sure knows how to play the Bach game. He is spewing out all of the Bachelorette key phrases and propaganda as if it just popped into his head naturally. His producers are looking on like proud parents as he tells Kaitlyn that she's wife material, he's falling for her, and he has fears about love. Someone memorized his lines on this week's script.

Kaitlyn freaks out for a hot sec because Ben wants to talk and not bone, meaning he MUST be a virgin because who the hell would want to ~*talk*~ to a future fiance...Kaitlyn, honey, Ben H went to IU. He's for sure not a virgin, and probably just had an STD cleared up right before filming. Go Hoosiers!

Next we have a group date with Shawn, Nick and Joe. Some producer convinced Kaitlyn thats it's a good idea to bone and tell, so now then entire date is about "will I, won't I?"

Joe starts to be all "I could kiss you forever, I'm ready for marriage, I LOVE YOU" and she's all "thank you...?" He then turns into a petulant child, starts to mope and continually uses the phrase "it's cool, just have fun." Unceremonious elimination for Joe with no consolation tears. One down, one more to go this week.

Side note: Shawn still refers to Nick exclusively as "the other guy." What a power move.

Shawn gets to spend the rest of the evening with Kaitlyn and he has no idea what misery is in store. His ego is about to get squashed like the grapes that made this wine. Kaitlyn drops the we-had-sex bomb, and you can see SUCH a dramatic change in Shawn's eyes. He is very clearly thinking of all the violent things he could do to "the other guy" in retaliation. Some producer talked him down and he's willing to suck it up and keep going in The Process. Good choice, kid.

At the cocktail party...PSYCH, cocktail party is canceled!

I love when they do this because all of the guys sweat like sinners in church. Shawn gets called first and chooses to be difficult by asking to talk to her before accepting the rose. They talk about nothing for a few seconds and he ends up staying.

Back to the action: She keeps Ben and Nick. Poor Dark Horse Jared gets the boot. This guy was a last round draft pick for all of us, and ends up being one of the hardest goodbyes of the show. The dude takes it like a champ and continues to be sweet even after the dumping. Heck, I've never had an ex offer me his coat for warmth mid-breakup. Jared, I wish I could give you, and your bad facial hair, a hug.

With the departure of Cupcake, Joe, and Jared, several teams have been knocked out of the game. Check your score here.

Since ABC cannot take any of our hints, we move on to week eight at the end of the episode.

Kaitlyn spends the day with Nick and they end up at yet another church. They talk to some Irish actors locals. Say all the crap you want about Nick or Kaitlyn, but the two actually seem like they fit well together and are having a good time. Their evening date is going all well 'n stuff, until Nick decides to seize the day and toss Shawn under the bus. Against all odds, playing dirty works for Nick (always has) and she eats it up. As is tradition, the two retire off to the fantasy suite and reenact her biggest drama inducing action of the season. Cue hotel door closing.

Once Nick returns to his own room the next day he gets a visit from his good buddy Shawn and ABC leaves us for the week with the promise of a cat fight next Monday. Leave a comment about how you see it playing out.

If you have men left in the league, kudos. If you don't, I recommend bringing extra wine next week. Don't forget, the league is based on points, so even if all your men are out, you could have a chance at placing.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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