Kaitlyn Week Two: Fly Like a Butterfly, Sting Like a Bach

Thank goodness we're getting back to some normalcy in week two. We're backdown to one bachelorette, she's having a chatty brunch with Chris Harrison, and all is right in the world. Surprisingly, she's not staying in Chris Soules' rustic cabin at the end of the Bach House driveway. Maybe they thought the outdoor shower would tempt the cameramen...or maybe they were worried she too would discover the backlot betting ring (#throwbacktoAshleyS)

After Kaitlyn's little "yay me" chat, we see the guys hanging out in the Bach House. Here's my big question: Why are they telling each other who they are voting for?! Guys, consider some strategy play. You met these dudes less than 24 hours ago, and don't think they're going to use that great little sabotage tidbit when they most need it? What is this, amateur hour? You're all bro-y now but in two days you're going to be all "I'm not here to make friends." Trust me. This ain't our first rodeo.

First up, we get a group date. Some ambitious junior producer said, "hey, I know how to bring out their aggression, AND feature a former DWTS participant, AND put our on-call medics to good use....BOXING!" Whoever you are, junior producer, we thank you. You get a promotion. During these boxing workouts, Kupah is way more into boxing than into Kaitlyn and I'm way more into Kupah's body than writing this blog.

ANYWAY, the boxing matches are brutal and also make no sense. Somehow against all odds and logic, Jared makes it to the final round, where he gets pummeled. Regardless, he's the first contestant to require medical attention! Thanks for taking one for the team...quite literally. Those five points are totally worth your concussion.

On the calm portion of the date, Ben Z comes out of the gate sprinting into his heartbreaking story. Some of the other dudes start sharing their feelings. Justin shows off his resting douche face. Jared swings by on his way home from the hospital, and for some totally unexplainable reason, she's into him. They kiss and I pour myself more wine. She gives Ben Z the date rose and makes out with everyone else as a consolation prize.

Clint gets the first one-on-one date. As Kaitlyn points out, any man who draws Chris Harrison on a triceratops deserves a one-on-one. We agree, girl. They go to do an underwater photoshoot which they say is "all the rage." To me, it looks like a great way to ruin a thousand dollar gown and get swimmers ear in the process. He gets a rose.

 ^^ The result of my last underwater photoshoot ^^

Meanwhile, back at the house, Touchy Tony goes on a rant about non-violence and love. Yes, Touchy Tony is the one with a black eye. Am I missing something? He keeps spewing some "I need a supportive girl" nonsense and he then REFERS TO HER AS BRITT BY ACCIDENT. Homeboy is some fat that needs to be trimmed. All the other dudes agree with me.

The second group date involves standup comedy, Amy Schumer, and JJ's obnoxious ego. Some standouts: Chris the Dentist and Joshua the Welder. A not-so-surprising failure: Touchy Tony. later on, after a few make outs, JJ gets the rose. He looks like an awful kisser.

"But we're all special butterflies, guys" - Tony

Finally, we're at cocktail party time. JJ snags her first, even though he already has a rose. That's a big Bachetiquette no-no. So much so that Touchy Tony and Kupah get all antagonistic and JJ is now the villain of the house. Is anyone else reminded of Ben from a few seasons back? I miss JJ the Pantsapreneur. Can we organize a trade?

Ian sneaks her away for some good chit-chat time. I'm diggin it. She's diggin it. You keep doing you, Ian.

Kupah tries to "be honest' with her, but it sounds a little more like fishing for compliments. He does address race in that he doesn't want to be the "token black guy." Once again, I'm ashamed that we count minority points, and ashamed that minorities on the Bachelor/ette are such a novelty. Unfortunately for him, he goes mouthing off to the other guys within earshot of Kaitlyn and she decides to send him packing. He gets confrontational with the producers and...

TO BE CONTINUED.

Are you serious, ABC? What happened to the guaranteed rose ceremonies every episode? YOU'RE STRESSING ME OUT.

Welp. we have no rose ceremony this week, but at least Britt and Brady are happy, I guess. I wouldn't want to date either of them, so at least they have each other. Points from this week and next will be grouped together as "Episode 2" because without a rose ceremony, did the episode really happen?

Happy Merlot Monday and Terrible Tuesday everybody.

Love & Roses,
Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Britt/Kaitlyn Week 1, Part 2: Love Hunger Games (the odds are not in Britt's favor)

Wow okay they are not wasting any time here tonight. Getting right down to it! I like the efficiency. Chris Harrison walks over to Britt and drops the bomb on her almost immediately. She takes it surprisingly well and with relatively few tears. KAITLYN IS THE BACHETTE!!!!! Side note: My computer keeps trying to autocorrect "Bachette" to "Machete" so if that pops up anywhere it's unintentional. 

In true form, Chris Harrison then pulls his classic bait and switch with Kaitlyn and says, "We tallied up the votes and.......unfortunately...........barely more than half the guys think you're marginally hotter than Britt." Kaitlyn legit looks like she's gonna vomit and also is trying so hard not to just scream HAHA IN YOUR FACE YOU OVERCONFIDENT BRATZ DOLL at Britt who already peaced out to cry in private.

Yay, Kaitlyn. We all knew it was her but now it's officially official. Let the games begin...

Ian again getting assertive with the immediate steals. A few others follow suit now that they've realized the power is no longer in their hands. #cocktailpartystrategies

Joshua gives her the metal rose which he definitely welded JUST for her.

Chris sneaks in with the first real kiss!!! 10 points to the guy from the cupcake car. That was a cute kiss. Still surprised at happening the first night, like way to build a solid foundation man.

OH SNAP Shawn B totally upstages Cupcake with what might be the hottest first kiss In Bachelor History. Two kisses on the first night! Points only awarded for the first one but seriously Shawn B omg. Wowie. I think all of America needed a cold shower after watching that.

We said goodbye to quite a few men this week, some surprises and some not so much. Excited to find out if Britt and Brady are a thing after that dramatic mid-rose ceremony self-removal. Josh the stripper is going back to stripping, Shawn E the sex coach is going back to sex coaching. Bradley and David never stood a chance. So long, fellas.

So we end the night with a preview for the rest of the season and holy triceratops-riding Chris Harrison are we in for a good one. Here's some of what ABC's beautiful producers/real life heroes have in store for us:

• Surprise Nick V, which is the best kind of Nick V. Proves that having an in with Chris Harrison is like having that skip-the-line pass at Disney World.
• SEX! Not alleged sex disguised as skinny dipping. Real, bonafide boning. ~*dRaMa!!!*~
• An alarming amount of Jared.

WATCH IT. WATCH IT NOW.


Points for each team have been tallied! Ryan M really did a number on this week's totals. Check your standings here. If you haven't submitted your team name, let me or Julie know soon!

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Britt/Kaitlyn Week 1, Part 1: Go Home, You're Drunk.

Hold on to your hats, people, it's going to be a wild ride. The season is already off to a great start, and we're only one episode in.

First, a big welcome to all the new league participants! The Roses to Riches Chicago conference has increased to a whopping three pools and the Nashville Conference is growing as well. We're at record capacity this year and actually had to turn people away. Looking into expansion possibilities, so stay tuned for that.

Second, huge thanks to the Orchard gals for hosting draft night. The Coach House is out of commission and Julie took the TV, so we appreciate you allowing the league to take over your living room for the evening.

Right off the bat in this episode we get some nice quality time with Chris Harrison, Our Lord and Savior. I've missed him so! He tries to convince America that allowing men to choose the Bach-ette will offer a better opportunity for true love to blossom. He only said that to work in the rose pun, so I can't fault him for that. Side note: can't wait to pre-order The Perfect Letter!

Here's a rundown of the contestants for this season. What follows is a combination of a few people's note-taking, plus crowd reactions and text message conversations.

Ben H. Julie knows him! Kind of. Friend of a friend.
Ben Z. Former almost-NFL player. Dead mom. Front runner
Bradley
Brady. Singer from Nashville. Waxes poetic about Britt being a billion on a scale of 1 to 10, says he has melodies inside him. ok.
Chris arrived in a cupcake car
Clint looks like a loser, needs a haircut.
Corey
Cory no E. I call him Flex.
Daniel is almost definitely gay. We can tell by his occupation and also because Emily knows three girls who have made out with him and can back this claim up
David
Ian in a coma from car accident. Taking an early lead
Jared awkwardly talking at both of them while standing only in front of Britt. Possibly gay. Snaggletooth
JJ tryna puck Kaitlyn. She digs the jokes
Joe needs a haircut but love the moonshine and the accent. "yes ma'am" ftw
Jonathan has a child. And earrings.
Josh. Criminal lawyer/stripper. Unable to find a wife among the women who watch him strip. He seems bewildered by this so now he's on the show, procrastinating studying for the bar. BEWARE ANYONE ON THIS SHOW NAMED JOSH. DID NO ONE LEARN THAT LESSON FROM ANDI'S SEASON?
Joshua the welder from Idaho. Makes a promising metaphor about welding and love with heat, friction and sparks flying. Okay that metal rose though...
Justin OMG every J name on the planet in this cast
Kupah looks like a half-black Pitbull. The man, not the dog. I like him mostly because his answers online sound like he was just g-chatting someone about going on the show. "What does marriage mean to you?" "FOOORREEEVEEERRRRR."
Ryan B
Ryan M is drunk already, just go home
Shawn B Ryan Gosling doppelgänger holy smokes
Shawn E, amateur sex coach (not even a professional?!) and arrived in a hot tub
Tanner pwns Britt immediately by handing her some tissues. Kaitlyn continues the pwn-age, asking "Is that soap or tissues??" Heh.
Tony omg he literally just kissed his plants. "See you later babies." Plant kisser! He's talking yogi nonsense about the puzzle pieces of life and sounds like he's on a lot of drugs. Also has a suspicious black eye...

The cocktail party is in full swing and the guys are in serious competition analysis mode. They're discussing the ladies as if they are a political platform. "Are you pro-Kaitlyn or pro-Britt?" "I just found a pocket of people who are pro-Kaitlyn." "I haven't decided which way I'm voting yet." It's called love guys just follow your hearts. Not that hard.

Ian with the first steal of the evening! He stole Kaitlyn from the group though, not from an individual, so no points awarded for that. He's an early favorite among the viewing audience.

Clint earns huge metaphorical points with his cocktail party stunt. He brings out a framed piece of art and it is the most beautiful masterpiece I have ever seen, second only to The Naked Man. It's a pencil drawing. Of Chris Harrison. RIDING A TRICERATOPS. I would pay big money to own this piece of history.

Then, we have Ryan M. Oh, Ryan M. So many points, so little screen time! The guy shows up already drunk, then proceeds to:

- Call out Shawn E's limo stunt as stupid, telling him he sucks

- Bang on the windows during other people's intros, waving like an idiot

- Slap Kaitlyn's rear end 

- Shout "IS THIS THE GAY BACHELOR?!?! I MEAN SERIOUSLY" after doing a scan of all the guys in the room

If this isn't enough, he then strips naked (where was Josh for this?) and jumps in the pool. He's literally falling over as he tries to get out of the pool, then goes running around the house tearing shit up and knocking pictures off the walls. JJ tries to intervene, asking him, "Why do you have your shirt off right now?" 

To which Ryan M responds, "WHY AM I NOT RAPING YOU RIGHT NOW?"

Then, for the first time in Bachelor history, Chris Harrison intervenes! Ryan M gets bounced out by the large man in the golf cap, struggles to navigate his way around the rose bush, and gets sent home by Our Lord and Savior in a prison van. No rejection limo for you, sir. #byeforever

The guys then start to vote on who they want by putting a rose in one of two boxes. Tony rushes to the ballot box before Chris Harrison even stops talking. "The energy coming from the chest with Britt's name on it was...pulsating." Cool it on the sensual talk dude it's night one.

Of COURSE ABC left us with a cliff hanger. Darn you, producers and your antics. Why can't I be one of you.

Tonight we'll find out who the Bachette is! We'll also have preliminary standings at the end of the episode, which will go up Wednesday.

TO BE CONTINUED.........

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