Chris Week Nine: Do You BALIeve In Life After Love?

Last night I had a dream that I was on The Bachelor. In true Elizabeth fashion, I got sunburned at the first pool party and was really peeved about it. I went to my weekly therapy session with Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior to complain. I told him, for the millionth time, that this was EXACTLY why I didn't want to go on the show. How many times do I have to ask for a sunscreen intern? Now I'll never get to be a farmer's wife. Blast!

It was weird. No more wine before bed. Jk I gave that up for Lent. I'm writing this completely sober! I hope you still think I'm funny.

We're down to the last three ladies and we FINALLY get to leave the country! This season has been waiting on the tarmac for far too long. Glad we get to take off and do some real sight seeing (lookin' at you, South Dakota). Bring on Bali.

This is how sweaty y'all are about to be in Bali.

This is also Fantasy Suite Week, so lots of big things are happening here. Chris: "If I'm going to be confident about proposing to one of these girls, I'm going to have to have sex with all of them first."

Kaitlyn's date is first. They roam around and interact with strategically placed locals. They find some pretty aggressive monkeys and feed them bananas. They also visit a temple and share a spiritual moment, creating a bond that will last forever a few more days.

In what is possibly the sweatiest conversation in Bachelor History, Kaitlyn talks about her feelings, which she says is difficult for her to do. Preach, Kaitlyn, feelings are the worst. Chris is all, "We're both really vulnerable right now, because if you left I would only have two girls to choose from."

I just want to bake a cake full of sunshine...and ROSES

Kaitlyn: "There's not one thing I don't like about us. Even your giggle, which is a lot to love." She has zero questions for Chris at this point, which is very concerning. She enthusiastically agrees to go to the Fantasy Suite. Now Chris can "plow the f*ck out of her field" like she requested on night one. Well played.

Kaitlyn agrees that America Needs Farmers. 

They bone.

Next up is the date with Shitney Whiney Whitney (<--- actual typos I made, no joke).

They are on a boat. WHY ISN'T CHRIS HARRISON THE BOAT DRIVER? I want Chris Harrison to play every extra role possible on this show. Need more Chris Harrison.

Whitney babbles on about how perfect and natural their relationship is. Chris doesn't add much to the conversation. At "dinner," Whitney doesn't even pretend for a second that her career is important to her. She's prepared to drop everything and immediately pop out babies in Arlington. You do you, girl.

Someone didn't read Lean In.

They bone.

Becca's date is last. Is she wearing leather shorts in Bali? That is such a bad idea. They go to another temple (maybe the same temple as before?) and talk to the medium about their relationship. The producers definitely had a prior conversation with these guys and told them that their advice to Becca and Chris HAD to be about sex, because OMG VIRGIN.

The buildup to this "I'm a virgin" revelation is a little ridiculous. Chris handles the news like a normal human being should handle the news. Becca: "I'm a virgin." Chris: "Okay."

They don't bone.

Before the Rose Ceremony, Chris is distressed about who to send home. Chris Harrison comes in to save the day and help Chris make pro/con lists about each girl. They figure it out together. Teamwork makes the dream work.

Side note: New goal is to have Chris Harrison as my life coach.

Chris is about to give one girl the axe. Becca thinks it's going to be her. Chris takes her aside for one last conversation. Meanwhile, Whitney and Kaitlyn are (not so) secretly happy that Becca's going to be privately eliminated and they'll be the final two. They're totally circle of bitching right now and it's amazing.

Kaitlyn: "I feel bad for feeling so happy but like she's for sure going home :)))))"

Then: THE ULTIMATE FAKEOUT!!!!!! BECCA STAYS! Chris escorts her back in and ends up giving Kaitlyn the boot. This is nuts. Legit did not see this coming. Thought Whitney would for sure go home before Kaitlyn did.

Exact face we all made^^

Whitney: "I'm really confused because what I thought was going to happen didn't happen." #braincells

Kaitlyn is next Bachelorette for sure: "I didn't expect to feel this way when I left here. I let my guard down and The Process worked for me and I'm devastated now but when I have 30 guys fighting over me I'll def find true love." *Bachelor buzz words! Producers all high-fiving each other during this convo*

Points are SUPER CLOSE and standings are neck and neck in all leagues. The finale will be huge! So so so excited.

Next week is the Women Tell All/Crucifixion of Kelsey episode. No blog post (sorry) but we'll be doing prop bets at Corinne's place for whoever wants to participate.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Chris Week Seven (and eight): Hey, Mom, Don't Google My Wife

I know this is a day late. I'M SO SORRY. Four entire hours of material to recap is a LOT and I have this thing called a job that makes blogging a little difficult sometimes.

We open the evening's marathon in the wake of the beautiful disaster that was the two on one date last week. The girls want to know where Chris' head is at after that train wreck. They're all proud of him. Megan suddenly decides that she's donezo. Just like that, she leaves! Unceremonious elimination! Didn't see that coming. Just kidding, I totally saw that coming.

Then, Bachelor Chris and Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior pull a classic switcheroo on the girls. The ole "ladies, we WILL have a rose ceremony tonight." "JK I LOVE YOU ALL! YOU ALL GET A ROSE!"

You get a rose! And YOU get a rose!

The group leaves the Badlands and heads to the big, glamorous city of Des Moines. They walk in to see their fancy new digs and the only thing they can come up with is "OMG it's so big!" That's what she said. 

Jade gets the first one on one. Not loving her so much. She has such a flat vanilla pancake personality and has not really said anything of substance yet. Chris shows Jade around Arlington which is the smallest town in the entire world. They go to a football game and meet Chris' parents...? Chris is gonna regret that one I think. He thinks she's this perfect, small town girl next door with a "good head on her shoulders." WRONG WRONG WRONG can't wait for this to go down in flames.

At the football the crowd starts to cheer "kiss Chris" and Jade is all "omg! This is so spontaneous and wonderful! How did we even get to the center of this football field on display for the entire town?"

Meh.

Side note, Carly's commentary through out this whole episode is gold. The Midas touch of the night.

Whitney gets the next one on one. They go to a lame photography museum which is probably the pinnacle of culture in Des Moines. The interns hand them a camera and they get to take their own premature engagement pictures. Her voice is literally one of the most irritating sounds ever created by a human being.

pls stahhhhhhhp

They meet Chris' best friends. Whitney thought they were stalkers fans at first which was funny. Then they go back outside to see that one of their photos has been painted on the wall as a giant mural! If Whitney loses, will the mural be painted over?

In the hotel Jade tells the girls about her date and Britt cries. Carly makes fun of her. Carly then proposes a road trip to Arlington! Let's go see our future! It's like preparing for your own execution.

They make it to Arlington and get from one end to the other in under two minutes. No restaurants, bars, open businesses. Britt to girls: no fuckin way. Britt to Chris: I loved it! *~The sUnSeTs!~*

Group date is Carly, Britt, Kaitlyn. Carly rips Britt a new one for crying again about how bad she's going to be at ice skating.

Staged side convo where Jade reveals her nude modeling career to Carly. We pause to investigate. There was googling. There was screaming. There was a lot of judging Rob. Pretty much in that order. Shock and awe, minus the awe. 

Back to the group date. Britt is so full of shit! Apparently all she wants is to be a mom. I don't really see that. Whitney, totally. Whitney is already pregnant in her mind. Luckily Carly warns Chris about how shady Britt is. Kaitlyn gets the rose and shit goes down. The score is incredible. The drums! Britt is cracking her knuckles. She absolutely loses it in front of Chris.

"It was so much better of an explosion than I could've ever possibly expected."

Becca goes on a one on one. They have the most real conversation. Congrats Becca on having a realistic perspective on love/The Process.

Before the rose ceremony Britt packs her stuff! She's so manipulative omg she just wants Chris to beg her to stay. Go home, Britt.

Surprise! No cocktail party. Britt interrupts the rose ceremony. The girls are losing their shit. Carly's about to vom.

Chris: "I'm not saying you're lying about loving Arlington, I'm just saying other people said you're lying."

HOLY SHIT BRITT GOES HOME. UNCEREMONIOUS ELIMINATION AND SO MUCH DRY CRYING.

Bet she wishes she took off her makeup now.

Carly: "Heh, now you know what it's like to be a normal person!"

Whitney: "Britt isn't getting a hometown. This is so huge I have to shut one eye about it."

Hometowns. These are surprisingly dull if I recall correctly.

Becca goes first. Becca's family dances around the fact that she's a virgin. Chris won't be surprised by this next week but hopefully it's not a deal breaker because we like Becca.

Whitney's next. They go to the fertility clinic. "I'm pretty confident my soldiers are marching." Whitney says I love you. There's so much cart in front of this horse right now.

Kaitlyn's date starts in a dirty alley so who know's what's gonna happen. They rap. Chris is the worst rapper of all time. Kaitlyn's family has a cool dinner table with a fire in the middle.

Jade goes last. Ohhhhhh Jade. Her brothers call her a wild mustang. After family time Jade confesses her past to Chris and shows him the pictures AND THE VIDEO. Wrong move. Chris ends up sending Jade home. It's not because of the Playboy thing, but it's totally because of the Playboy thing.

Except the computer in the trash is Jade...in the limo.

So many points this week! Check the standings here. Can't wait until Fantasy Suites next week! It's gonna be so sexy.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Chris Week Six: I Know What You Did.

Finally, the resolution we've been waiting for! The anticipation from last week's cliff hanger has been torturous.

Me all week

In sum: Kelsey the Black Widow (props to Carly for that one) has a panic attack. While on the floor with an oxygen mask, she giggles and says to the medic, "I'm totally getting a rose tonight."

The other girls see right through this stunt and are annoyed. Chris sends home Samantha (who?) and McKenzie (finally). GOODBYE, MOTHER OF KALE.

Moving on. The group continues on their low budget travels and makes their way to Deadwood, South Dakota. Not much to see here, folks. Chris gives America a brief history of Deadwood, telling us that "this is where Calamity Jane...did her business." All this does is prove that Chris knows nothing about Calamity Jane.

We learn that Britt hangs out in her bra at the hotel. This is not the Bachelorette! No gratuitous shirtlessness. Put yo clothes back on girl. Maybe this is a strategy to keep her clothes clean since she doesn't shower? Still baffled by this based on the perfection of her hair and lack of pimples.

Becca gets the first one-on-one date in Deadwood and they go horseback riding to a castle (??). The interns definitely built that for this episode. Becca gets a lot of metaphorical points on this date for finally acknowledging three critical/awkward facets of this show:

1. Chris' giggle. She admits that she's not laughing at what Chris is saying, but laughing at his laugh because it's so hilarious and girly.
2. The awkwardness of kissing on TV/in front of other people. She CAN'T be the only person who's ever thought this. She says it's weird for her because she's a virgin. I think it's just weird for...people. Right?
3. What are your parents feeling when they watch the show? Again, why aren't more people concerned about the way they're acting on TV? 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, a producer makes Kelsey go and sit in the middle of a small group of betches so they can spontaneously have a conversation about how much they don't like her. She follows up with an I-can't-help-it-that-I'm-popular sort of response. "They are intimidated by me because I am #blessed with eloquence. I'm smart and I use big words. They just don't understand."

Kelsey. Gtfo.

During the group date we get an appearance from Big and Rich! What a fall from grace. They have a new album but they just stick with the classic Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy. More appropriate for Chris' situation, I guess. The date activity is writing a love song for Chris. Chaos ensues.

Let's examine the irony of this situation. For the last few seasons, there has been at least one group date that involved contestants stripping off an inappropriate amount of clothing and performing various activities: pole dancing, dog photo shoot (IT WAS FOR CHARITY, Y'ALL). There's always one token player who is supremely uncomfortable. S/he expresses these feelings to the Bachelor/ette and usually ends up with the rose.

This year, we finally have a contestant who would THRIVE in this setting! Jade the cosmetics developer model PLAYMATE. She would totally rock a nude photo shoot, but here she is, "riding the struggle bus" on the song writing date. Well played, producers. She's annoyingly nervous like okay just get over it have you never watched the show before? Talent matters zero percent.

To add to the group date drama, Chris whisks Britt off for a "surprise" Big & Rich concert for TWO WHOLE HOURS where he gives her the rose, they make out on stage and sing...you guessed it...Save a Horse, Ride a Farmboy. Anyone else notice this lyric change by B&R? Subtle.

This ordeal does not go over well with the other girls (shocker). Shitty move for Chris to do that on a group date. The girls seem to be mad at Britt, but what is Britt going to do? It's not like she's going to say no when Chris is all "let's sneak off to a concert!" She can't just not come back or pretend she didn't get the rose. Every one of those girls would have done the exact same thing. Lots of tear points though, yay.

^^All the other bach-ettes be like ^^

Finally, we get to the best part of the episode. The TWO ON ONE DATE: Ashley the Slut Virgin versus Kelsey the Psycho Husband Killer. Ashley is super confident that she's going to boot Kelsey off during this date, but it ends up being a beautiful accidental murder-suicide. 

Kelsey/Ashley: We're going to the Badlands! The baadddddlaaannnndsssss YASSS. I love the Badlands.

Kelsey: Ashley doesn't even know what the Badlands are. I definitely know. 

Chris: This is gonna be really awkward today.

Kelsey identifies all the presidents on Mount Rushmore and Ashley rolls her eyes.

Ashley: I CAN'T EVEN WITH THIS DATE.

There's a bed set up in the middle of the Badlands. The producers aren't even trying to disguise the awkwardness here. 

Chris and Ashley talk. Ashley tells Chris that Kelsey is fake and crazy.

Chris and Kelsey talk. Chris tells Kelsey what Ashley said about her. Chris WTF are you doing? He's facilitating their self-destruction, that's what he's doing. 

Kelsey and Ashley reunite on the bed and Kelsey stares Ashley down with her dagger eyes. "I know what you did." If looks could kill, then Kelsey definitely murdered her first husband.

Ashley: "Oh, OKAY, you think you're so smart because you use big words. Well I have a masters too and it's from a better place SO THERE." She's so drunk throwing shade and masters degrees. 

Ashley to camera: "I may be a virgin, but I'm mature sexy and she's not!" Ha! In your face, Kelsey!

It played out a lot like this

Chris and Ashley talk again. He breaks up with her and she sobs hysterically. This conversation needs subtitles. Ashley storms off, totally expecting Chris to chase after her. When he doesn't, she comes back like "CHRIS!! WHY AREN'T YOU FOLLOWING ME? WHY AM I ACTING LIKE THIS? CONSOLE ME." So instead he tells her that Kelsey said she was immature and that's why she has to leave.

Then Chris and Kelsey talk again. He breaks up with her too! She acts like she's okay but we all know she's secretly plotting her revenge. The conversation ends pretty abruptly. Chris says "welp take care" and then hops in his helicopter to fly away back home. He leaves Kelsey to mourn alone in the Badlands. The camera pans wide and ASHLEY IS STILL THERE TOO OMG HE STRANDED THEM BOTH IN THE BADLANDS.

The girls learn of Kelsey's departure and there was much rejoicing! They pop some bottles in celebration.

No rose ceremony this week, and minimal screen time with Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior. Sad times.

Points and standings are available here. Most teams are hanging on with one or two girls left, but Maggie's team has bitten the dust. Kelsey and Ashley were her two remaining gals and they took each other out in a glorious battle to the death. Maggie wins wine.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Chris Week Five: We're Not in Iowa Anymore

This week's episode takes us to the exotic city of Santa Fe, New Mexico. Contrary to what several of the girls believe, New Mexico is actually not part of Old Mexico, and no, they don't wear sombreros or dance like lunatics. Where do they find these girls, really? Remedial history classes?

The first one-on-one date goes to my girl Carly. She gets the privilege of intimate time with Chris and the voyeuristic love guru, Tziporah Kingsbury (whose name totally sounds like something out of Harry Potter!) She forces them to get all awkward and sexual, which is every girl's dream first date, I'm sure. The two are even instructed to undress the other while Tzi looks on with chronic hungry eyes. Carly gets a rose. Chris gets blue balls.

Tziporah be like ^^

Now that everyone is feeling sufficiently weird-ed out, ABC brings us back to reality with the most normal situation they could muster: a group date. Two rafts full of squealing ladies float down a river, and somehow Jade gets thrown in the water which aggravates her too-ridiculous-to-be-real medical disorder. Apparently her body temperature is like that of a lizard, so she gets hypothermia at temps those of us in the Midwest call "summer." Let's all keep in mind, this girl use to model for nudie mags, and I'm sure they don't keep space heaters around those shoots...how did she survive? 

I digress...the point is, she uses her hypothermia to her advantage, scoring a foot rub from Chris and making the other girls (and Rob) jealous. Kelsey starts to get ideas. Note: this does not qualify for Medical Attention Points because a medic was not present; Chris administering "medical attention" does not count.

The date gets real interesting at the after party. Everyone's favorite drunk sorostitute Jordan shows up at the hotel begging for a second chance. Naturally, our actual contestants are pissed and throwing SO MUCH shade. It's glorious. They all bitch and whine about her return, so Chris decides is forced to drop her like a bad handbag. Whitney gets the group date rose. Jordan earns a whopping 19pts for returning, getting unceremoniously eliminated, and then crying about it. MVP of the week.

The next one-on-one date goes to Britt, who we learn is "hygienically challenged." According to her BFF Bach sistas, Britt doesn't shower. Like...ever. She also sleeps with makeup on, like a monster. Seriously, ladies, don't do that. It's really really really bad for your skin. 

^ Britt showing artistry as a form of flattery ^

Britt and Chris go on a hot air balloon ride. She seems to forget about her "fear of heights" that she had been crying about not 12 hours prior. After the date the two go snuggle up in Chris's hotel room, and Britt has the lady-balls to tell the rest of the girls about their "nap." You want to get a stiletto to the eye? That's how you get a stiletto to the eye. More shade thrown. Britt gets a rose.

Finally ABC decides to introduce us to the crazy bundle of sociopathy that is Kelsey. Yes, Kelsey has a tragic story that I would never wish upon my worst enemy. Yes, I'm sure she'll never quite get over that trauma. No, she does not need to flippantly discuss the death of her husband on national TV as if it was a flash sale at Bloomingdale's. Kelsey sneaks off to Chris's room to tell him all about her late husband, then says to the camera, "Isn't my story amazing? Tragic, but it's amazing!" and there is definitely a serial-killer smile behind it all. Our whole viewing party was still recovering from the creepiness of the first date, so this Kelsey moment causes all of our wine bottles to magically empty into our livers.

The pre-ceremony cocktail party is canceled because Chris is sure of his decision and probably too scared to face Kelsey the girls for fear of injury...or more shade. ABC proceeds to pull the biggest bitch move in the history of bitch moves, and they push the rose ceremony to next week! They had the audacity to leave us with a To Be Continued! You know what's not to be continued, ABC? My wine collection, because I drank it all last night trying to cope.

Best .gif in the history of .gifs

Points have been updated. No one has been eliminated yet, so we have that to be thankful for. All points that happen up to the end of what would have been this week's rose ceremony will be assigned to Episode 5. Then we'll proceed to Episode 6. Next week looks extra point-heavy with betch tears and actual medical attention. Until then, if anyone has a fool proof cure for Tuesday hangovers, give me a call.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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