Andi Week Two: Balls to the Wall (literally, kind of)

Andi's Week Two: 

Forgive us: your league commissioners have been traveling for Memorial Day. We'll get our commissioning shit together eventually, promise.

Until then, we have a brief, albeit complete review of last night's episode.

ABC stabbed us in the heart this week by airing Eric's first date with Andi. Eric, who so unfortunately passed away after filming, scored the first helicopter ride (5pts) and stole our hearts. Eric and Andi spent some time on the beach, and later some time on the mountains, finally followed by a cozy evening with the ABC blankets in some producer's winter cottage (I'm assuming). Eric shared stories of his travels as we all mournfully swooned at his adorableness.

On a much happier note, the next date was a Magic Mike-style group date with plenty of naked, fabulous men. Funny, because I seem to remember little-miss-Andi freaking out because she had to get nakie for Juan Pablo. Her rationalization of this attitude adjustment is that the men are stripping for charity (just like the calendar last season). The group date men bare alllllll. The ABC censors worked overtime to blur out some quite inappropriate images.

MOST IMPORTANT NOTE: Dog Lover was back as a guest of Andi's for the show. Sharlene was there too, but DOG LOVER. Our favorite Bachelor contestant of all time.

SECOND MOST IMPORTANT NOTE: Craig got white-girl-wasted at the post-date cocktail party. His embarrassment raked in lotsa points for excessive drunkenness, as well as excessive skin when he and Nick S had their bro-dip in the pool.

Winner of the group date rose - Marcus. He shook his groove thang quite well, and managed to hold his liquor.

Third and final date of the episode was with Chris and it was hella cute.  She took this farm boy to the races at Santa Anita. ABC planted the cutest old couple in the box with them to "impulsively" share relationship advice. Chris won some hunk points (metaphorical points of course) in that bow tie and apparently impressed Andi. He earned himself a rose at dinner and........the first kiss.

Finally, we reach the cocktail party. Eric, Marcus and Chris are safe, leaving all of the other men to sweat it out in their formal wear. Except for Marquel, who sweated it out in a hot mess of a floral tie/plaid shirt/striped socks ensemble, and Carl, who wore a vest and looked like Clark Kent. Andi finally sent home drunkard Craig, fellow swimmer Nick S, and Carl (huge mistake).  She sent home hot Carl the firefighter and kept Tasos, Mullet-lamp Dude, and Buff Macklemore. Girlfriend. What were you thinking.

Points are up. We're still missing team names from many in both leagues, so send them our way when you are ready.

Next week is a huge two parter starting on Sunday night. Due to busy schedules and how expensive brie cheese is, we will likely be condensing our viewing of all 4 hours to Monday night. Expect the next point calculation on Tuesday. Hope you've enjoyed this #bedtimereading.

Love and Roses,
Julie and Elizabeth
League Commissioners

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Draft Night: Andi's Season

Welcome back, Bach-es.
It's our favorite time of the year, Bachelorette season! Don't get me wrong, the Bachelor is all well and good, but for some reason man-tears and excessive male ego crushing just makes my Mondays 10x better.

Regardless of your show preference, we can all get behind the wonderful return of the League. This season we have a whopping 14 league participants, including three males. More participants = more money and more brie, so check out this season's point categories, stock up on wine, and set your Monday night DVR.

Due to the high demand, we have broken up the league into two league pools. Each pool is made up of 7 teams of 10. First place in each pool wins $50, second place wins $25, third place wins $15, and each pool's loser get a cheap-o bottle of wine (we're talking two-buck-chuck, because that is all a loser deserves).

Now, on to the important stuff...
After last season's snoozefest/douchbaggery, we were all craving some classic Bachelorette ridiculousness, and ABC did not disappoint. While I'm still under the impression that Andi is way too smart to be fooled into drinking the Bachelorette kool-aid, she sure did a good job of convincing the audience that she is 100% in this "for love." You do you, girl.

The men this season are a nice mix of juiceheads, salesmen, and wedding planners. We saw plenty of gimmicky entrances, including Macklemore/SeanLowe pushing a limo up the driveway. Mullet dude brought a floor lamp with him because nothing says "I like you" like stolen goods. Some soccer player actually had the guts to bring up 'ole JP in casual conversation (bold move, bro).

After introductions and a few rounds of one-on-ones, ABC had a surprise for us. A mysterious man was at the front gate carrying roses and a heart full of love for Andi. Lo and behold, our mystery suitor was Chris P. from Emily's season and Bachelor Pad! Merry Christmas, viewers.  Turns out that since Bachelor Pad, our buddy Chris has become pathetic and lost all the producers' phone numbers. Apparently he had been in LA for 10 days just waiting to crash Andi's first night and vie for Andi's affection. Andi rejects him and Chris Harrison, feeling useful again, has to let Chris P. down easy.

The whole Chris P. sitch took some time away from the actual suitors, so unfortunately, we only got about 2 seconds of opera singing out of Michigan man.  Points-wise, this episode lacked in excitement.


Point Earning Highlights

Nick V. got the first impression rose earning him 5pts
Our two minorities both live to see another episode, earning 5pts each
She kept the wedding planner and tossed the helicopter pilot, like a chump

Team totals can be viewed here. Kelly's currently unnamed team is the only team still 10 for 10!  Good luck, competitors. This season is shaping up to be a tough one.



Love and Roses,

Julie and Elizabeth
League Commissioners

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Week 10 - Finale and ATFR

Well, ladies, this season of Bachelor Fantasy League is over. We've laughed, they've cried, and we've all come to the conclusion that JP is not the man we wanted him to be.

For starters, Chris Harrison was back in full form last night.  He was in his element with a full studio audience of judgement WASPs and their poor, whipped husbands.  Each commercial break brought us back to smug Chris interviewing people about how awful Juan Pablo is.

The first date of the day went to Crazy Clare. After meeting his parents she scored the first helicopter ride of the season (5pts) which ended with quite the rough landing.  Apparently, just after the camera guy had hopped out, and right before they stuck microphones on the couple, JP whispered some broken English that would make your mother blush.  Clare did not take fondly to the crude dirty-talk and saw her perfect Prince Charming take his true frog form in front of her ears.  ABC promptly skipped over the rest of the date and cut to the usual let's-talk-on-the-loveseat scene.  I've got to hand it to Clare, at first she really did give JP a verbal punch to the groin, but JP's circle talk confused her enough to bring her back into his Latin web of attractiveness.

The next day, Nikki said hola to his family and then went on a boating date with JP. They kissed, they tanned, they sat in perfectly flattering poses, and they said nothing of real value.  During their sit-and-chat time Nikki was clearly nervous about the next day's elimination possibility and even shed a few betch tears for us at home.

Finally, we reach the moment.  The girls , in their Vegas-cocktail-waitress best each trudge through the sand in 5" heels.  First gal off the boat is....Crazy Clare!  Here at the Bachelor, first means you lose, and Clare was last night's biggest loser.  She was staring into those Venezuelan eyes expecting a proposal only to receive a "sorry, please leave", "ees ok".  Homegirl proceeded to tear JP a new one and peace out of St. Lucia all by her lonesome.

Next off the love boat is Nikki.  She says her sweet things, he says nothing really of substance, and then drops the non-proposal bomb.  In no shock to anyone, JP is not ready to commit, and although he has that Neil Lane diamond in his pocket, he will not be putting a ring on it.  Fortunately, we viewers got to hear one last "will ju assept dis rose".  Nikki, being the desperate sport she is, agrees and the ride off to no where in what looks like blazing hot sun.

After the Final Rose...
The most excitement of the night came watching ABC's infamous ATFR show.  A straight up cat fight (that you can tell has been brewing all season) broke out between Chris Harrison and JP.  Turns out, they're not quite amigos.
Surprises of the night include:
- Clare is not still hung up on JP.  She, in fact, didn't even talk to him.
- JP and Nikki are still together.  She "loves him" and he supposedly still kind of likes her but won't say love, especially when Chris Harrison practically begs him to.
- The language barrier is still going strong, because ABC producers thought JP had some kind of surprise for the evening...his only surprise was his douchebaggery.
- Dog Lover made enough friends at ABC to get invited to the show.

Speaking of Dog Lover, some other notable invites included Sean and Catherine, Des and Chris, Brooks, One Arm, Diabetes, Arie, and Sharleen (who looked incredibly bored all evening).  Is this the cast of Bachelor Pad? Because if so, I'll be its biggest fan.

Last but not least, ABC announced Andi as the new Bachelorette.  We have the luxury of watching that ombre (as opposed to hombre...get it?) this spring.

THE STANDINGS
This year's Bachelor Fantasy League Winner (drumrolll....)

MARY CLARE with MC's McSluts (238pts)
Mary Clare is the winner of $80 smack-a-roos to be deposited from the league PayPal account.  Congrats! This is the new league point record.

2nd Place ($40): ELIZABETH with Elizabeth's Slam Pieces (154pts)
3rd Place ($15): JULIE with Julie's Jezebels (147pts)

4th place:  Audrey's Fetch Betches (142pts)
5th place: Corinne's Circle of Bitches (124pts)
6th place: Cooney's Cunts (120pts)
7th place: Shannon's Slutty Senoritas (105pts)
8th place: J$'s Dime Pieces (99pts)
9th place: Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses (69pts)
10th place (Wine Winner): Maggie's Maids of Mischief (25pts)

We'll see you ladies next season!

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Organizers 
Silver and Bronze, respectively

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Week Eight (Part One) Recap: Give Me Back My Hometown

Well, we made it to hometowns. And what a journey it was. Let's not waste any time here.

Nikki
Nikki hails from Kansas City and told us she wants to see how much of a cowboy Juan Pablo really is. First of all, are there really cowboys in Kansas City? No, really. I'm curious. That's one of the last places I'd look for a cowboy. Second of all, didn't Nikki watch JP on Desiree's season? He obviously is a cowboy because he dressed up like one when they snuck off from the group date to watch that crappy Disney movie together. But I digress.

Nikki took Juan Pablo to eat barbecue and then to ride a mechanical bull. Thinking about it now, she probably should have done those things the other way around. Being jerked around by a machine is probably the last thing JP wanted to do after gorging on subpar BBQ (sorry, I'm from Memphis...had to). But he seemed to enjoy himself while he was eating. Way to go, Nikki, playing the age-old move of winning a man over with food. 

The pair then headed to Nikki's family's house, and Nikki confessed to the camera, her mother, and America that she's madly in love with Juan Pablo and really believes in this process. Those words have pretty much solidified her as the next Bachelorette if she loses. She chickened out didn't say the magic words to JP, but her parents overwhelmingly approved of Juan Pablo and Nikki's dad gave him the marriage blessing. Bless his heart. 

Andi
The federal prosecutor brought Juan Pablo down south to Atlanta and took him immediately to the gun range. Classic. Props to Andi for actually being a decent shot and handling a massive firearm with ease while sporting an arm full of bangles and a giant watch. Girl's got skills. She further cemented her superiority by yelling "MISS!!!" after JP air balled his first shot. 

At dinner, Andi's family expressed mild concern about the fact that Juan Pablo was dating multiple women, as if this was some sort of shock to them. Juan Pablo asked for approval and Andi's dad gave the most reasonable answer we've ever heard on the show (i.e. what I would expect from any normal father). JP can be welcomed into the family if and only if Andi is the ONLY woman for him. I mean...duh. Why haven't any of the other fathers said that before? Dads of future Bach-ies, take note. 

Andi said she is close to starting to fall in love with Juan Pablo. Meaning she's miles behind Nikki. Pick up the pace, girl.

Renee
Sweet, sweet Renee. She's too good for this show. I forgot where she's from (Florida, maybe?) but she and Juan Pablo just hung out and watched her adorable son's baseball game/highlight reel. Seriously, the kid is a baller. She's wearing basically no makeup and she's totally the coolest mom ever. Juan Pablo is an idiot. Then he spends time with her parents while she puts her son to bed and they are basically the most precious family together already. 

Renee tells her mom that she is in love with Juan Pablo. :( She chickens out when she has the chance to tell him. Overall, Renee is he best one, clearly. We also saw later that a bird dropped a whole sandwich on her head and she just laughed about it. SOMEONE JUST MARRY RENEE, DAMNIT. SHE DESERVES IT.

Clare
Last, and certainly least, Juan Pablo headed out to Sacramento to hang out with Clare and see where all her crazy came from (she didn't get there on her own...right, Nikki?). First they went to a pond where Clare showed some legitimate emotion, making all of us want to call our dads right away. Then they switched gears and C tossed Juan Pablo into a pond of estrogen at her house, introducing him to her mother and FIVE sisters. Good God.

Clare's sister Laura got oddly territorial over their mom, not allowing her to speak at all and then pouting just outside the camera view. Julie kindly pointed out that "that's what happens when you're the fat sister." We also learned that Clare's parents got engaged after three weeks of knowing each other, meaning Clare has been destined for this show since before she was even a tiny thought in her parents' minds. She told us that she would accept a proposal from JP in a heartbeat, but she did not specifically say that she was in love. We shall see.

When they were all gathered back in Miami, we collectively wondered whether any of the girls would throw out a Hail Mary "I Love You" in a last-ditch effort to get a rose and stick around. We were disappointed. Juan Pablo made the biggest mistake of his life and sent Renee home, keeping Andi, Clare and Nikki for fantasy suite dates. We've seen disastrous previews for these encounters so we expect nothing short of greatness. Luckily we only have to wait a few more hours before we get another dose of drama. FANTASY SUITES TONIGHT!


J-Money's Dime$ are now worth zero. Justice was holding on with just Renee but now she's down for the count. Though no one will be able to catch up with MC's McSluts, the gap is closing for second and third places. It'll be a tight finish.

Week eight standings, in descending order. Roster updates can be viewed here.

182 points - MC's McSluts

130 points - Elizabeth's Slam Pieces

 108 points - Cooney's Cunts

106 points - Audrey's Fetch Betches
103 points - Julie's Jezebels
99 points - J$'s Dime$

81 points - Shannon's Slutty Senoritas

80 points - Corinne's Circle of Bitches 
69 points - Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

25 points - Maggie's Maids of Mischief

Will you assept deez deuces?

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