Nick V Week Five: Whipped Cream and Lies

Hey, y'all. It's our pleasure to hand the blog over this week to none other than Jillian Wyatt! Jillian is a Nashvillian who has a blog of her own, called FauxFringe. Check that out after you're done reading this. She's a bomb writer and we are thrilled that she was able to contribute to Roses to Riches this week. Without further ado, I'll give you what you came here for: sassy words and sassy .gifs. Read on, my pretties. xoxo, eliz

It is truly great timing that I have the opportunity to blog this week’s episode for you. A mere two days ago, I ran into not one but two former Bachelor contestants in the same day: Luke Pell and America’s Sweetheart Wells Adams. Luke jogged by the Thompson Hotel where I was brunching, and Wells was filling up his vintage Toyota SUV with gas at an East Nashville gas station as I drove past! I have never felt more a part of the Bachelor Nation.

Not that I encourage stalking, but if you happen to be in the Nashville area and you want to know where you too might find Wells or Luke, I’d recommend looking here or here. 

Ok, now on to the show. This week, we are blessed not only to watch The Most Dramatic Episode Ever, but to have it be sponsored by Emma Watson’s Beauty and the Beast! I hope we see at least one yellow dress and a rose in a glass container. Oh! And a singing teapot. (We already know who the Beast is.)

Chris Harrison’s voice over reminds us that last week’s episode left off just as things were starting to heat up between Corinne and Taylor. We meet them where we last saw them, on a bench in a Wisconsin courtyard, and we dive straight back into the drama.

Both women are speaking in the highest-pitched, betchiest voices I’ve ever heard. “You’re, like, not emotionally intelligent, Corinne!” “I, like, literally run a multi-million dollar company, Tay-lor!” I’m pretty sure my neighbor’s dog is barking as a result of these high-pitched reverberations. 

Can't. Escape. The. Voices.

Off camera, Corinne voices her “genuine” concern for Nick. “I’m honestly worried for him,” she says. “Taylor is a bully. Plus she’s disgusting.”

Inside, all the girls are talking about Corinne and Taylor, including Alexis who – let’s face it – aren’t we all shocked that Shark Girl is still here?

In the courtyard, Corinne is pulling the most conniving move by planting deep seeds of doubt in Taylor’s mind. “It’s not just me. No one in this house likes you,” she smiles. “Fifty percent of the girls think you’re here for the wrong reasons.” Taylor looks dismayed. Oh, this cunning bitch is gooooood.

Then, Corinne puts the cherry on top by taking her “concerns” to Nick. “She’s different when you’re not around,” she blinks at him, doe eyed. Classic.

Now we’re at the Rose Ceremony. Yes, last week’s Rose Ceremony. (Are we going to have Rose Ceremonies that span into the following week every week? Because I’m kind of over it. Wrap it up in one episode, ABC!) Nick enters the room and thanks the girls for a “great week” literally three times. “This is the hardest rose ceremony yet,” he sweats, before saying thank you for a fourth time. 

Pro tip: This is much more becoming. Never let 'em see you sweat.

Four thank yous? Is this a sign of Stockholm syndrome? Or just a peek inside the psyche of an insecure bachelor? He does talk about Andi and Kaitlyn in every episode... All these thank yous come off like he’s pleading for the women to stay. “Don’t leave me alone. Again,” his eyes plead as he picks up the first rose.

He gives the rose to Whitney, who has yet to speak this season. The second rose goes to fellow Nashvillian, Danielle M. (yay for Over the Hill points!) Then Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine (who looks as stunned as I do), Vanessa, ALEXIS?! and Corinne. Now we’re down to the last rose, and oh! the tension! It’s for Taylor, which means lights out for Sarah and Astrid.

I’ll miss Sarah’s voluptuous lips and perfectly smudged eyeliner. And I’ll miss Astrid’s… wait, which one is Astrid?

As Sarah leaves the house, she weeps to the camera. “Love is all I want. It’s. All. I. Want.”

“Then go to the fcking grocery store and meet somebody!” my husband, who swears he hates this show, shouts from the couch next to me. Upon hearing himself speak out loud, he looks sheepishly at me, then down to his phone. “I’m just saying, the grocery store is a place she could meet a guy.” Uh huh. I knew he was a fan. I wouldn’t be surprised if he made an appearance as a guest blogger before this season’s through. (Editor’s note: sounds like he might have read last week’s post, too. Just saying.)

After a brief commercial break, we find that we’re no longer in Wisconsin; we’re in New Orleans! “I couldn’t be more excited about being here,” Nick deadpans into the camera in the most monotone voice of all time.

After jumping on all the beds in their penthouse hotel room, the girls gather to talk to Chris Harrison, who has just adopted the word “y’all” into his vocabulary. “Welcome to N’awlins, y’all! Let me tell y’all how it’s gonna go this week. Ya’ll fixin’ to have a one-on-one date, a group date, and a two-on-one date!” The ladies gasp.

“Two-on-one?” “I hope it’s not me!” “Did he just say ‘y’all’?” 

Chris leaves and the ladies open the date card. It’s a one-on-one for Rachel! Annoying Taylor confides that she would “really really really really like to have the one-on-one” which is the most obvious sentence spoken in the history of this show. Stupid bit—wait! Has Corinne turned me against Taylor, too?!

Rachel meets Nick in some sort of open-air market, and she bounces up to him when she sees him. She appears to be wearing a one-piece bathing suit under a pair of yellow shorts? But Nick doesn’t mind. They shop around and feed each other random things from spoons. Then, they shoot oysters on the half shell and I bet you $1,000,000 they’re going to make a joke about oysters being an aphrodisiac – yes! Yes, there it is.

Now they’re pouring hot sauce all over the oysters and I’M SORRY did Nick just blow his hot sauce breath on Rachel’s face? I’m not kidding, y’all. I think that just happened. (“Y’all.” Look at me. I’m turning into Chris Harrison.)

After stuffing their faces with oysters and powdery beignets, they walk outside and just *happen* upon a parade! They join in, dancing around with beautiful lace parasols, and suddenly I’ve forgotten about the cheesiness of the moment because all I can think about is how beautiful and cool Rachel seems. I must buy a white one-piece as soon as possible.

This was awkward to search for at work...

From the heavens above, the rest of the ladies watch the parade through their penthouse widow, lamenting the fact that they can’t dance in the parade, too. A group of modern-day Rapunzels. Or Beasts in a tower?

From the parade, Nick and Rachel casually walk into a concert and dance, almost like it wasn’t planned at all. After dancing, they sit and watch the band, and – Nick’s fingers creep like the SCARIEST TARANTULA ACROSS RACHEL’S SHOULDER?! Did anyone else see that? I swear you can’t make this ish up.

Now it’s nighttime, and Nick escorts Rachel into a building to look at “like, Mardi Gras floats.” After they look around, they sit at a table for dinner, where Nick drinks white wine and Rachel sips what appears to be a foamy beer in a stemless wine glass.

Rachel tells Nick about the full-circle day she’s having. Last time she was in New Orleans, it was for a funeral. Back then, she vowed to live each day to its fullest, and now look at her! She’s in New Orleans again, this time with someone who could be her future husband! Nick asks Rachel about her family, and she tells him that her dad is a federal judge. They wax hypothetical about what it’d be like for Nick to meet him, (“Don’t call him Sam!” LOL LYLAS) and then Nick breaks all the rules by telling Rachel he’s “super into” her. Ahh, the romance.

Nick offers Rachel a rose, and she accepts it. Later, alone with the camera, she confides, “I can see myself falling in love today. I don’t believe in fairy tales, but I believe in today, which was a fairy tale.” I think it will take me years to unravel that sentence.

Back in the penthouse, the women anxiously await the next date card. They all wonder who is going on the two-on-one date, BUT WE ALREADY KNOW, DON’T WE? The date card arrives, and Vanessa confirms what we saw coming from a mile away – Corinne and Taylor are going on the two-on-one.

Sweet, sweet Raven with her jet-black hair drawls into the camera, “I think this is gonna be a fight to the death.”

Corinne v Taylor. A showdown for the ages.

But before that bloody battle, we’re subjected to the group date: an evening in a haunted mansion. “This is going to be spooky and scary!” Raven says. “I am going to rebuke these ghosts in the name of Jesus.” Yes you will, honey.

The women meet Nick at the ghost house, and they sit together in the parlor drinking mint juleps, which are scary in a Diabetes-type way. (So much sugar!) Then, the bartender/caretaker/maybe also ghost named Boo gives them a tour of the house. He tells them the story of an eight-year-old girl, Mae, who died in the house wayyy back in like the 1800’s or something. “Legend has it, she still haunts this home, searching for her beloved doll. Whatever you do, don’t touch the doll – or anything else in her bedroom!”

Jasmine, who doesn’t believe in ghosts, immediately touches everything in the entire house. “Well, she’s cursed,” says Jaimi through the balls dangling from her nose.

The sun sets, and Nick and the women are still in the mansion, drinking and arguing about whether or not ghosts are real. They find a Ouija board and, of course, start playing with it which FOR THE RECORD is breaking one of my cardinal rules. NEVER, NEVER, EVER PLAY WITH A OUIJA BOARD! When I was little, my cousins and I found a Ouija board at my grandparents’ house (why?) and I swear we conjured an evil spirit. I’m talking books flying off the shelf and everything. Don’t eff with that stuff.

But do these bitches listen to me? No. They’re just playing away, asking Mae who will get the group date rose, when we all know Mae does not give a flying fck. She’s just looking for her dolly! She died of yellow fever for pete’s sake! She doesn’t have time for this!

I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so, because before we know it, the power goes out throughout the whole mansion. The ladies are freaking out, but Nick wants to explore the house. He and some of the ladies wander back into Mae’s room, where they discover to everyone’s horror that Mae’s prized doll has gone missing!

You guys – I’m going to be honest. This is where I start to vehemently hate this date. Can we just move on? Basically, a bunch of fake shit happens. Jasmine goes on and on about how she’s not scared of ghosts, Josephine starts touching all of the things Boo tells her not to touch, a chandelier “mysteriously” falls from the ceiling, everyone’s screaming for 20 solid minutes, blah blah blah.

This is just so fake. Come on, ABC. We watch The Bachelor because we like to see a true and factual show full of genuine people who are honestly searching for everlasting love, not this overdramatized BS.

Meanwhile, we cut away from the mansion and back to the penthouse, where Corinne applies a green facial masque while sipping champagne in a bubble bath. Taylor sits, surrounded by candles, in front of a mirror and applies 20 different essential oils to balance her chakras. All of this in preparation for tomorrow’s big date.

Back at the haunted mansion, we talk to Nick, who manages to make this date even more unbearable. “I thought there were 10 women on this date,” he laughs, “but now with Mae here, I have 11 women I need to manage.” [RECORD SCREECH] Need to manage? OH HELL NO. Ain’t nobody here that needs your managing, Nick. These ladies will go on to make millions selling hair gummies and tea that makes you poop without your “management,” thank you very much.

“Things can get kind of catty on group dates,” he continues. ARE YOU FOR REAL, NICK? Would you like to spurt any other offensive “truths” about women, Nick? All of female America is waiting for your commentary.

Somehow, through all the very real ghost things that are happening, and Nick’s sudden and brief chauvinist rant, Danielle L can still see herself falling in love with Nick. Danielle M is glad to have had a moment alone with Nick because she wants to make sure their connection is still strong. It’s been awhile since their week two date. Raven accidentally tells Nick that she fell in love with him during their one-on-one date last week. Oh honey. She is made of pure sugar.

Finally – I thought this date would never end – the group date rose appears, encased in glass just like in Beauty and the Beast. I knew it! Nick retrieves the rose and gives it to Danielle M. She is happy to be one step closer to love, and I am happy that date is over.

And now it’s time for the showdown we’ve all been waiting for: Corinne + Taylor + Nick in the Bayou! The three of them meet and board a small boat captained by a man with a beer gut and curly blonde ponytail. Taylor is wearing a fishtail braid, which… is… fine…

“I hope Nick sees my golden heart on this date,” Corinne says, miraculously leaving out mention of her platinum you-know-what this time around.

After a quick spin around the swamp, the three lovers hop off the boat and traipse through the woods, where I can only assume they’re all contracting the Zika virus. They happen upon a Voodoo ceremony, where they meet a Voodoo priestess. We all breathe a sigh of relief when she tells them she can help “bring truth to the surface.” Well, why didn’t we just hire this lady in the first place?!

The priestess guides the love triangle to a table, conveniently placed amidst the trees, where a tarot card reader sits. She talks to the ladies one-by-one, starting with Taylor, and reveals their truths.

“It feels very tense,” the reader tells Taylor. “There’s a lot of energy and tension. There seems to be a negative energy around you.”

Cut to Corinne, who is snuggling with Nick on a log a mere five feet away. “My daddy Alabama,” she smiles at him. “Mama Louisiana.” And then, once again, she starts spinning to Nick about Taylor picking on her. “She’s such a bully!”

“How does that make you feel?” Nick asks flatly, completely disinterested. My husband chortles from the couch.

Now, it’s time for Taylor to join Nick, and Corinne sits with the reader. “How do you make a Voodoo doll specific to a person?” Corinne asks immediately.

Meanwhile, on the log, Nick tells Taylor he was surprised to hear that she’s been bullying Corinne. “What? She flat-out asked me ‘what is emotional intelligence?’” Taylor defends, as if that explains anything. Of course, we can see what Taylor can’t – that Nick lacks emotional intelligence, as well.

In the background, we see Corinne pushing a pin into the heart of the Voodoo doll she and the reader just crafted together. 

Finally, having gained all of this clarity, the Taylor and Corinne sit alone at the reader’s table, waiting for Nick to give one of them the rose.

“Taylor is a bug. She belongs in a swamp,” Corinne’s voice over tells us. “Have you seen my butt? It doesn’t belong in a swamp!” The producers grace us with a gratuitous shot of Corinne’s full bottom.

“I know that Nick will see through Corinne’s lies,” Taylor says. “He won’t pick her. If he did, their relationship would be based off of whipped cream and lies!” And now we know the name of Corinne’s forthcoming memoir.

Nick joins the ladies at the table. “I’m as anxious as I was on night one,” he says. But this isn’t about how the ladies are getting along; it’s about his feelings. “This won’t be easy, but I know what I have to do.”

He picks up the rose. “I need to have an emotional connection with the person I’m going to spend a life with.” DUH. “And that’s why –“ he turns to Corinne. “Corinne, will you accept this rose?” Of course she does.

Nick hugs Taylor goodbye, and he and Corinne return to the boat, where the ponytailed man is waiting to take them away. Now there’s no one left but Taylor and the gators. Oh! and the Voodoo priestess, whom Taylor joins for a cleansing ritual in the nighttime that has suddenly fallen. (Weird, the sun appeared to be out just a moment ago?) The priestess sprinkles water all over Taylor’s arms and head as others circle around and chant.

“I won’t go home without speaking my piece,” Taylor vows, even after the Voodoo priestess told her SPECIFICALLY not to engage. Personally, it seemed to me like the appropriate time for piece speaking was a few minutes ago before Nick abandoned her in a swamp? But what do I know.

Nick and Corinne have now changed into evening wear (still no yellow Belle dress, unfortunately) and they just sit down to enjoy a nice dinner together when – gasp! – Taylor shows up, having emerged from the swamp! She’s soaking wet and covered in Spanish moss, speaking in Voodoo tongues. Corinne gasps. Nick looks scared. And before we know it – the episode is over. 

Nick and Corinne when Taylor reappears.

Wow, that truly was the Most Dramatic Episode of All Time.

Next week on the Bachelor: Wait, I’M SORRY. Did someone just say “two people went home on the two-on-one date”? Does that mean Corinne goes home? Or does Swamp Monster Taylor murder her with her newfound Voodoo powers? Wait, now Nick is crying? Now all the ladies are crying? This is producer magic at work, people. Can’t wait.

Of course, we’ve found ourselves in yet another Rose Ceremony-less episode, but oh man. It looks like this is about to get good.

Love and Roses,

Jillian

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Nick V Week Four: Spider Monkey Stiletto Beat Down

Hello, my adoring fans! Happy Terrible Tuesday. Hope this blog adds a ray of snarky sunshine to your day. Nothing would make me happier. Except a surprise visit from Chris Harrison. Surprise Chris Harrison is the best kind of Chris Harrison.

The show opens to the aftermath of Corinne's bouncy house sexcapade with Nick. All the girls are reeling from the incident except Corinne, who is sound asleep once again because she DGAF.

Vanessa handles it best by telling Nick that she's judging him--not Corinne. As she should! Corinne is just playing the game, you gotta respect that. And if Nick is buying what she's selling then that's something to be aware of when you think about whether you want to spend eternity with him. Vanessa threatens to give back her rose.

Nick to Vanessa: "Tell me when you're mad so that I can completely ignore it. Love you though please don't leave."

Nick to Vanessa, again: "Try to be patient about Corinne. She'll be gone real soon."

NOT SOON ENOUGH, NICK. Rob M is winning our Chicago pool because of Corinne so please give her the axe already. I'm over her antics. Get rid of Taylor too while you're at it.

Chris Harrison joins us to steal Nick away for one-on-one time. I yearn for the day that Chris Harrison joins the pool party.

Nick gives a speech about how The Process is "all about the end game." The girls nod in understanding, which kind of surprises me. For some reason "the end justifies the means" feels like an inappropriate strategy for this scenario. But hey--what do I know?

Some of the girls go to wake up Corinne for the Rose Ceremony and confront her about the bouncy house situation. Any time the words "bouncy house situation" are uttered in serious tones, you know shit is about to go down. They call her entitled. She says she is "not privileged in any way, shape or form." My eyes cannot roll back far enough in my head.

All of the ladies feel confident that Corinne is going to be sent home. Corinne is OBVIOUSLY NOT going to be sent home because a) previews, b) producers, c) Nick's boner.

Danielle M: "I'm confused whether Nick is looking for a woman or a girl."
^This pretty much sums up the premise of Over The Hill points. Way to represent your people, Danielle.

Corinne gets the Final Rose (told ya). We say goodbye to Brittany (who?) and Christen (she didn't even get to tell him she's a virgin!).

Brittany's mouth doesn't open when she talks and it upsets me.

Corinne hijacking Nick's toast is incredible. So much side eye, everyone wants to punch Corinne in the boobs.

The next day Josephine waxes poetic about how the remaining ladies must all be v special to Nick. Girlllll you are fat waiting to be trimmed. Don't get carried away.

Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion and announces that the girls should pack their bags. It's time for them to leave on a jet plane, don't know when they'll be back again. The first stop on their exotic world tour is the great city of Milwaukee, Wisconsin!

Here's what I know about Wisconsin: people from Wisconsin LOOOOOVE Wisconsin. None of these girls are from Wisconsin though, and they are acting so excited about Wisconsin that you can tell that they're actually horrified to go to Wisconsin.

#WisconsinGoals

Phew, that was exhausting. You know what else was exhausting? Watching these girls pack their suitcases in a flurry of arms, legs, bikini tops and skimpy cutout cocktail dresses. Two words for you, ladies: Capsule. Wardrobe.

They arrive in Waukesha. Fun fact: Real Life Corinne (Chicago Conference) was in Waukesha this weekend!

Nick talks with his precious Catholic parents who created ten beautiful, normal children and also Nick. Nick cries because he knows he will never be as wonderful as they are.

Elizabeth's mom Nick's mom: "You've been single for SO. LONG."

Nick's dad: "We don't want to see you on this show again. Stop embarrassing us."

Meanwhile, we have never seen Alexis wearing hoops smaller than 3 inches in diameter. Pop quiz: Alexis, how do you measure diameter?

One-on-one with Danielle L. They walk around town and talk about Nick's exes, which is pretty much my idea of the perfect date. They go to a bakery and discover some creepy AF cookies with Nick's face on them. They lick Nick's face off the cookie.

Could be worse though, because as a wise man once said, "If you're truly in love, you have to want to lick their face."

Nick kisses Danielle with his eyes open. The room is divided on if this is weird or not. Opinion A: "You gotta read your audience, see what kind of effect you're having." Opinion B: "No."

Do dementors kiss open-eyed? Someone tweet at JK for a definitive answer.

They "run into" Nick's ex. Danielle asks her why Nick is still single and "Amber" can't seem to come up with any concrete reason other than that Nick is "heart-driven when it comes to relationships," aka human. This is the most uncomfortable interaction.

They sit on a soggy soccer field and Nick reminisces about a few more of his exes.

Nick: "I once made a girl locker shelves so I could kiss her. Chrissy..." *stares longingly toward the horizon*

"Do you have any obvious flaws? Do you go grocery shopping in sweatpants?" Nick, what are you even doing on this show? First of all, I wasn't aware that grocery shopping in sweatpants was a flaw. Second of all, if you want a girl who goes grocery shopping in sweatpants, just go to the freaking grocery store. We are there 1-4 days a week. Sidle on up to the Brussels sprouts section and strike up a convo about how they're ALWAYS OUT OF BRUSSELS SPROUTS like is this even a joke?? WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS OUT OF BRUSSELS SPROUTS?!!?

Danielle seems kinda fake tbh. This is such a weird conversation, it's like they're two girls swapping bad date stories. Danielle sort of reminds me of Caila. Perpetual smile--check. Forced/fake laugh--check. Pre-composed, robotic answers to Nick's questions--check.

Hair--unfortunately, leaves much to be desired.

^ All of Danielle L's talking heads ^

They go to another concert, the second of Danielle's Bachelor career. Chris Lane performs. I've seen his name on a banner on Music Row! Allegedly he has a hit song now. We have a bona fide Nashville singer/songwriter at our watch party. She says Chris Lane is the biggest douche ever, surprising absolutely no one.

Danielle gets the rose.

The group date is on a dairy farm, because Wisconsin stereotypes. Sarah does a great job of acting overly excited about things that are definitely not exciting which probably makes her an awesome third grade teacher.

I'm so distracted by the dairy farmer calling it "melk."

Good job, Jasmine, for having a positive attitude about the farm chores. "You get what you get and you don't get upset" should be the motto of this show.

OF COURSE Jaimi is good at milking the cows.

One of the girls asks, "What's next?" which makes me nostalgic for the West Wing.

#BartletForAmerica

During the date, the girls confront Corinne about her super offensive nap during the pool party. Corinne justifies her actions by saying that Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln have done the exact same thing. Sorry, Corinne, but no. Michael Jordan didn't take a nap DURING the 1986 double overtime playoff game against the Boston Celtics. Abraham Lincoln didn't take a nap DURING the Gettysburg Address. This is the most important moment of your Bachelor career, Corinne. You don't get to just TAKE.A.NAP. Get your head in the game.

Has anyone seen the movie Eloise? Corinne reminds me so much of Eloise. For reference, the first line is, "Hi, I'm Eloise. I'm six!"

Corinne to Nick: "This could be us but you playin."

Kristina and Corinne have a heated exchange which earns them both some verbal altercation points. Corinne gets upset and leaves the conversation by turning to face the other way on the couch. She ultimately does leave the couch, at which point Josephine awakes from her slumber on. that. same. couch. She was there listening the whole time! You sneaky Josephine!

"We had an adult convo." <-- actual quote from Corinne.

Kristina gets the rose! She doesn't have to go back to Russia.

On her one-on-one date, Raven is wearing an interesting tank top with a LOT of stomach area cut outs. That look does not usually work in my favor. When Raven sees Nick, she does the run-and-jump move which also does not usually work in my favor.

Goals.

Goals.

Reality.

Moral of that story: big, dumb and tone deaf, please apply.

Nick takes Raven to the same soccer field where he took Danielle. Bella is there! This girl has gotten more screen time than many of the contestants and I'm okay with it. She has grown up to be a very mature young lady. Nick and Raven coach their soccer game and it's adorable. I appreciate that Raven zips up her jacket in front of the children.

Surprise parents! Nick introduces Raven to the fam. They seem to like her.

Then Bella invites them to go roller skating.

Much like this classic cinematic moment.

We mostly see Raven and Bella chatting while Nick casually skates by on his own. It's so cute. We learn that Bella was not allowed to watch Bachelor in Paradise, which makes me love and appreciate Nick's parents even more. #shelteredchild

Casual shot of a toddler INSIDE the toy claw machine at the skating rink. I would like to know more about that but I'm afraid those two seconds are all we get.

This date makes my inner 12-year-old so giddy. Couples skating with a boy?! That's the dream! Attention, men of Nashville: if you want to take me roller skating, I'm down. I'm so down.

Nick: "What was your favorite part of the date? Because for me it was all my favorite part." Use your words, Nick.

We already knew that Raven got cheated on, and now we get all the juicy details. This story is the most Arkansas thing I have ever heard. As legend has it, Raven heard from a friend that her boyfriend was about to sleep with someone else. Her mom handed her her gun keys and said, "Go." Raven then drove two hours to Little Rock, kicked in the door, found them DOING IT, and went into a full blown rage against him, "spider monkey-fast" (appx 35mph...thank you, Nat Geo). She threw him off the bed and beat him to a pulp with the other girl's stiletto. I can't make this stuff up, people.

Hell hath no fury like a scorned Raven.

"How awful would it have been if I had married that person and he wasn't my ride or die?" - Raven from Hoxie, Arkansas.

I love everything about Raven except all of her wardrobe choices. She gets the rose and they skate off into the sunset.

At the cocktail party, Danielle L kicks things off by committing the Bachelor Cardinal Sin! If you need a refresher, the Cardinal Sin is as follows: "Thou shalt not steal the Bachelor/Bachelorette for thine own one-on-one time, if thou hast in thy possession already, a rose for that week." Such an exciting moment.

Your sisters are not going to be pleased, Danielle L.

In a surprising turn of events, we see Josephine and Corinne form an alliance over pigs in a blanket, which look delicious. Corinne plots against Taylor and Josephine is on board.

Corinne: "I'm about to rip her a new one." *reaches for another pig in a blanket*
Josephine: *swallows her mouthful of food* "Do it."

Corinne takes Taylor out for a fireside chat, and not like the Roosevelt kind. Taylor ends up schooling Corinne on emotional intelligence. Corinne doesn't take it well. This is a very weird scene for me because Real Life Corinne is the most emotionally intelligent person I know. Real Life Corinne taught me that feelings are normal and okay (shout out to Corinne). Bach Corinne needs to go. She is bringing shame upon others who share her name.

^Used to be me.

The conflict isn't resolved, but points are awarded. We're left with another cliffhanger. To echo Julie's sentiments from last week, I'm okay with the cliffhangers. The past few seasons were so incredibly boring that I'm thankful to have some genuine, minimally manipulated drama. This is outstanding television. Props to you, producers.

These points are Week Four only - so Wisconsin trip and on. If you're curious how Week Three shook out with the Rose Ceremony, check your points page.

I'll leave you with one final quote from Alexis.

"My two biggest fears are Nicolas Cage and aliens."

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth

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Nick V Week Three: Bach-street's Back, Alright!

Welcome back from the land of cliffhanging. We left off last week as Nick dismissed Liz and came clean to the group date attendees about the Jade/Tanner wedding sitch. The girls report back to their frenemies at the mansion. By the time Nick arrives the next day (in quite the obnoxious floral tie), everyone is in the know and armed with pitch forks. Liz is probably not safe to walk around the Los Angeles area until these girls are safely out of the country.

Somewhere in there Christen got the group date rose. ABC didn't care enough to show us, and I didn't notice until Twitter told me.

We've updated week two points accordingly.

This is a bit of a deep cut, but if any dear readers have watched The Newsroom, don't you think the way they kept cutting Liz's "we had sex" audio is very reminiscent of "we used sarin" from Season 3? No? Just me? No other Aaron Sorkin fans out there? Bueller? Bueller?

ANYWAY, at the cocktail party every girl brings Liz up during their one-on-one chat, trying to pretend to be cool with the addition to Nick's "number." Fake giggles errrwhere.

"I want to talk to you about Liz"- desperation in a dress
"Yea? I feel fine about it." - Nick
"GREAT. ME TOO. FINE." - desperation in a dress with gritted teeth imagining whether or not they'd be a better sexual partner than Liz and looking for some form of confirmation of that fact in Nick's eyes.

Only variation on the above is Corinne pretending to be smart by using the word "intercourse."

Speaking of Corinne, she already has a rose this week from her hold-my-boobs group date stunt, but she feels the need to go for the gold anyhow. She has a naked plan up her sleeve and is hoping for some intercourse of her own tonight. It looks like we're going to dance around the sexual assault lines a little more.

"Is this a dress or a coat?" - Nick
"It's a trench coat with nothing underneath. Put whipped cream on my boobs." - Crazy Eyes Corinne
"Uh, I'm uncomfortable right now, but my nether regions like this plan." - Nick
"Perfect, look at my boobs." - possible sexual predator
"Ok." - male caveman in a Nick costume

Reddi Whip taking that sponsorship up a notch. Shame on props to them.

Meanwhile, all the other girls are watching the whipped Cor-ream incident (<see what I did there?) and crying for various reasons. Big betch tears points night. Jasmine finally pulls Nick out of the train wreck, which causes Corinne to realize how much she humiliated herself. She runs upstairs mortified.

Again, Corinne ALREADY has a rose. Therefore, she's already moving on to next week. This Hail Mary whipped cream play (what an odd combination of words) was so unnecessary. Not to mention, it's still only week two. The fat hasn't even been trimmed yet. Has she not seen this show before? Save the psychotic tendencies and adventurous sex acts for at least week four.

Rose ceremony: Corinne doesn't show. She and her rose are sound asleep upstairs. Honestly, this is the one Corinne move I condone. If you're already staying, why stand in those 4" heels until 5am to watch the losers walk? Get some beauty sleep for the next week. It's not like she's here to make friends or anything (except one lifelong best friend, which is a totally separate rabbit hole of semantics I could go down).

A few girls get cut, but they were girls whose names I hadn't yet learned. Check points if you're curious.

Now on to Week Three:

The day starts as all good days start: with the Backstreet Boys. Should we say Bach-street boys moving forward? That's rhetorical, because I'm going to anyway.  The Bach-street Boys stop by the house to say hi to all the girls. The ones that don't get to go on this boy band group date are rightfully pissed.

On the group date, the girls learn a backup dance to be performed with our Bach-street Boys. Some girls, like NBA dancer Jasmine, excel. Meanwhile, Corinne's confidence is busted because homegirl has no rhythm. They should have used my 5th grade choreography - maybe Corinne could have handled it.

It looked a lot like this...bowl cut and all.

Fun fact: Nick V and Nick C are the same age. Old man Kevin is 45 and wearing a dress.

During the concert, Danielle is chosen by Bach-street to make out slow dance with Nick. The other girls get to watch and simultaneously wig out.

Later in the evening portion of the date we get more of the Corinne show, which includes more talking in the third person. After a semi-normal chat with Nick, Corinne believes that she "made Corinne great again." I'd put up at least $50 that she voted for Trump. Anyone want to take that bet?

Corinne also feels the need to share with her competition that she is a 24 year old "adult" with a nanny. ADULT with a NANNY. That nanny apparently makes fantastic "cheese pasta" which is either mac and cheese or noodles with parmesan. Either way, Corinne is a child.

"You know, she makes my cucumber n'stuff" - Corinne, the baby dressed like an adult hooker
"Makes cucumber? She farms them?" - me
"She makes the best cheese pasta. I've tried, and I can't make it as good as she does" - Same baby hooker
"I could really go for some blue box right about now" - me

Is this subliminal advertising by Kraft? 

Group date rose is awarded to Danielle, likely based on her Bach-street Boys-serenaded make out.

Next up we have a one-on-one with Vanessa, the adorable special needs teacher that is too smart and normal for this show. Their date is on a zero gravity plane, aka the Vomit Comet.

"I'm excited to wear situation-appropriate aviators see Vanessa" - Mav-Nick
^^see what drunk me did there? That's called a bad joke because this date is about space, and Top Gun was not.

The plane does loops causing our Romeo and Juliessa to fly around as if they were in outer space. I really want to see a Making Of this date to see how the camera man is hanging in there...is he tied down? Is he floating also? Is he a she? These are the big questions.

This good boy loves weightlessness.

As expected from her panicked eye contact with the off screen producers, Vanessa voms. Nick's cool about it--it's called a Vomit Comet for a reason. You know what I wasn't expecting? Them kissing after she booted. KISSING. Thank God someone brought gum up there. Mad props to Vanessa for being such a dainty puker and remaining graceful and beautiful in the face of mid-air trauma.

Later on, the two have a good faux dinner date. They talk about family n'stuff. Vanessa gets a rose and I'm predicting she makes it to hometowns.

Field Day group date! I always love these athletic dates. Really separates the women from the brats girls. Hope we all wore our sweat-proof mascara. We definitely didn't wear our high-support sports bras. Astrid is going to be sore.

Be an athletic support bra.

Speaking of Astrid, she earns the first hot tub points of the season. Granted, she was fully clothed, and leggings in a hot tub can't be pleasant, but hey, points are points.

Post-date, Dominique is hitting early stages of melt down. Frankly, if she's feeling ignored after three weeks, she's not cut out for this show. The producers she decides to whine to Nick. Her "why didn't you talk to me today" speech is the verbal form of purchasing her ticket home. Literally - he sends her home immediately after the confrontation. Unceremonious elimination points for Dom. My fantasy team is crumbling like her morale.

Rachel gets the group date rose. She's another keeper.

Chris Harrison, our Lord and Savior, makes an appearance at the house to announce that the cocktail party is canceled...but they're having a pool party instead. This is becoming a thing, right? I feel like we've done the pool party schtick like four seasons in a row.

Real footage from my last pool party.

Our girls are bikini-clad and clawing their way to Nick's perfectly greased abs. Corinne hired a bounce house that she intends to "get to know" him in, Jade and Tanner wedding-style. Nothing says "I'm marriage material" like "let's have sex in a children's toy".
^I would like to note that this is not a knock on bounce houses themselves. I, as a 26 year old "adult" am still a huge fan of the bounce house entertainment medium...just not sex in one. Imagine the nylon skin burn potential? Ouch.

Hope the liability waiver covers bounce house injuries.

Since nothing in this mansion is private, ALL of the other girls watch the bounce house ordeal. They're rightfully disgusted; see note about nylon burns above. Since this is The Bachelor, they take out their frustration by warning Nick that C-baby is most certainly Here for the Wrong Reasons©. Raven warns him (points). Taylor warns him (points). Vanessa warns him (more points), but she warns him in the best way: "I'm not judging Corinne. I'm judging your actions." - DAYUM girl. I can't wait to see more of this conversation next week.

Yes, that's right, we have another cliff hanger. We have to wait another 6 days for our rose ceremony. While I normally hate when ABC gets off schedule like this, this season seems to warrant the extra screen time. There is nothing I would have cut from this episode. This is the best season we've had in a while, in that it's truest to the original Bachelor brand. Keep up the good work, producers.

These points include Week Three ONLY.

Check your points. Talk smack to your league competitors. Leave some love in the comments. Give me validation.

Love and Roses,
Julie

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Nick V Week Two: Happy Boob-day To You

Hello, my little minions.

Comin at ya this week from a raucous watch party in Nashville! It was a challenge fitting everyone into my living room.

Nah jk it's just me and my good friend Chardonnay. Nashville Conference, let's get our shit together.

Priorities, people. Priorities.

Right off the bat we're greeted by the ladies in the purest form of Bachelor salutations: shouting from an elevated area. Four points to each of those 14 ladies and let me tell you, that identification process was a bitch.

Morning visit from Our Lord and Savior! I love when we get impromptu appearances like this. All of the ladies are at their prime: haven't eaten since 3pm yesterday, newly energized by their 8am and 10am workouts, likely on their 5th mimosa. Just how I like to be when I receive my daily agenda from a god incarnate like ol' Chris Harrison.

The girls get the first date card. It's a group date: Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L, Taylor and Elizabeth. They specifically call her Elizabeth W, which angers me beyond measure.

Don't tarnish my name, please. I am begging you.

The card says, "Always a bridesmaid..." In case you missed the joke (which almost all the girls did), it's the first half of the phrase, "Always a bridesmaid, never the bride." It refers to a woman who is a frequent participant in weddings buuuuuut never quite the star, i.e. the likely fate of most of these ladies, let's be honest.

None of these girls understand the phrase. Like, at all.
Dumb: "Wow, I've never been a bridesmaid! This will be fun!"
Dumber: "Wow, I've been a bridesmaid, but never a bride! This will be Nick's and my first time together! This will be fun!"

My eyes cannot roll back far enough in my head.

Nick: "I had this BRILLIANT idea to take wedding photos for our date." Oh did you, Nick?

So Nick is taking wedding photos with each girl in their different bridal gowns. It's awkward because Nick is, well, Nick, and the girls are all wasted. Oh my gawd, honestly, they are getting SO territorial, peeing on Nick kissing Nick in front of each other to get a one-up on everyone else. Seriously, girls. Be cool. "Hard to get" is a strategy that works. It's tried and true. Just ask Liz.

...Too soon?

Alexis, who is assigned the role of Shotgun Bride, is now 2 for 2 on days spent with Nick in costume. Alexis does not know what a shotgun wedding is, so there's that. She also has a horrendous New Jersey accent, so there's also that.

Corinne: "I get to wear a bikini, but Brittany gets to wear a bikini without a top. She has less clothes on than I do and it's not fairrrrrrr! Daddyyyyyyyyy."

Corinne is 100% the type of girl who only has guy friends and doesn't understand why she just can't get along with other girls.

We cut to a v important conversation in the house, where the girls are talking about who's kissed Nick so far. Because what else are they going to talk about? Liz is lording over them all, with a sly smile about her secret sex with Nick nine months ago. She's so condescending and it's super annoying. Like okay CONGRATS, Liz, he boned you in the bathroom at a wedding. You had your chance and you didn't take it. Move along, please.

Side note: every time Liz says "we hooked up nine months ago," I feel like she's about to announce that she just gave birth to Nick's child and she's here to retrieve her baby daddy. The ultimate plot twist! A girl can dream...

Back on the date, Corinne continues to fret about someone looking sexier than she does. Her crippling insecurities are shocking. Do you think you're the only person who's ever experienced that feeling, Corinne? Welcome to being a woman. Spoiler alert: she doesn't handle it well.

Someone put an intern on 24/7 Corinne watch - she seems like the violent type.

When it's Corinne's turn for her photo shoot, she goes for the power play by removing her bikini top and forcing Nick to cover her breasts. Nick looks exceptionally uncomfortable, as do the 10 other women in the immediate vicinity who are also trying to date him. This actually makes me pretty mad. It's basically sexual assault! Hear me out. What if the roles had been reversed here? What if Nick had been the one to remove his swimsuit and made Corinne cover his boner with her hands? America would be OUTRAGED, and rightfully so. I will take serious issue with anyone who champions this as bold and empowering feminism. You and Corinne can get OUTTA HERE with your manipulative bullshit. You can't do that.

But, against all odds (or perhaps most predictably), Corinne wins the competition. She has convinced herself that this is how you find a husband. Serious question for our straight, male readers out there: is she right? Have I been doing it wrong all this time? Should I be throwing my platinum vagine at you (her words, not mine) in exchange for a platinum ring?!?! Please weigh in in the comments.

Corinne: "When I feel something, I feel it with my boobs whole heart."

Corinne: "Dad would be proud. Even though I was naked, Dad would be proud."

I don't even know where to begin to unpack that statement.

At the wrap party, we overhear Brittany ask Nick, "Whose boobs were better? Mine or Corinne's?" As a reminder, Brittany was also topless for the photo shoot. But girlfriend, why would you subject yourself, or the man you're trying to marry, to that question? You're just begging to be objectified, evaluated, and deceived.

We learn that Raven got cheated on in her last relationship. The ex conversation lasts for appx 45 seconds, short and sweet. If I were on the Bachelor, my dating history would get its own spin off show--called Quit Dating Dweebs.

Actually, this is the title of my memoir. Look for it in a bookstore near you. 

Success story epilogue still TBD.

Short interlude where we see the date card arrive for Danielle M. Yay! "Your relationship is about to take off." IN A HELICOPTER?! PLEASE CHRIS HARRISON WE CAN ONLY HOPE.

Alexis continues to draw the short straw on the group date. She sits down with Nick and literally says one sentence before she's interrupted by Corinne. Her one sentence was, "I'm from Jersey." In a comically emphasized accent, to boot. What a unique Bachelor Journey that will definitely not lead to Alexis getting engaged! From Left Shark (which she continues to insist was a dolphin) to Pregnant Bride, now Girl from Jersey. If anyone deserves a participation trophy, it's Alexis.

Corinne and Taylor get into an interrupting war with each other, obviously instigated by Corinne who is the worst. Corinne refers to herself in the third person. Corinne also has never heard of the Golden Rule.

Taylor, hoping that Nick doesn't think with his dick: "Maybe his heart's coming to me and my brain!"

Corinne, knowing that Nick absolutely thinks with his dick: "All I did was put my boobs out there and I was myself! Just Corinne, clothes not necessary."

Corinne comes back from her third snog sesh with Nick. She's clearly still intoxicated and suddenly starts pontificating about how she's not here to make friends. Totally unwarranted and the other girls are staring at her like mmmmmmmm OKAY CORINNE.

In an unexpected turn of events (eye roll), Corinne gets the rose. She gives an acceptance speech like it's the freaking Golden Globes. Relax, Meryl.

Nick, bruh. Really?

Raven, to camera: "If Nick likes the kind of girl who leads with her sexuality, no wonder it's his fourth time on the show."
America, to each other: "That's SO Raven."

I think some of these girls might be confused. This is NICK. The one who called Andi out on national television for her hit it and quit it Fantasy Suite. The one who came on Kaitlyn's season halfway through and slept with her almost immediately, stirring the pot with the biggest wood(en spoon) he could muster find. Do these girls not know what they signed up for? This is not Sean Lowe, the born-again virgin. No wonder Corinne is winning!

Corinne: "When I was talking to Nick, he was like, LISTENING. Guys usually don't LISTEN to me!" It's clear that Corinne has low standards, but hey - low standards doesn't mean no standards. (h/t IRL Corinne)

with these people.

Finally the group date is over and it's time for Danielle M's one-on-one.

FIRST HELICOPTER! No fanfare! I appreciate your humility, ABC. Good job.

Danielle literally can't talk and it's adorable. They helicopter around for a while and then hang out on a yacht. Precious.

At dinner, we learn that Danielle's fiancé died from a drug overdose and she was the one who found him. She didn't even know he had been an addict. So tragic. Hug your loved ones, people.

On a lighter note, Danielle's jumpsuit is FIRE. She gets the rose and then she and Nick make out on a ferris wheel. #swoon

Meanwhile, Liz really needs to let her sex secret out.

Liz: "I need to talk about me and Nick having sex. Who can I trust? Def the virgin."

A producer play at its best, but I still love it.

As Christen learns the details of Liz and Nick's sordid past, she gets that uncomfortable, toothy smile that people get when they reeeeeally don't want to be having that conversation anymore. I've made that face many times. She is getting new details from Liz every hour, on the hour. It's like whenever I start dating someone new and all my closest friends get by-the-minute screenshots of our text messages. #analysisparalysis

Another date card arrives. Thank goodness. Sarah runs to retrieve it. Sarah runs everywhere. Anyone else notice that? Really sticking to her first night gimmick.

"We need to talk..." date with Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina and Liz.

Josephine: "I'm so excited! I haven't had this feeling since I was a teenager three years ago!"

They visit the Museum of Broken Relationships, which is basically a memorial of Bachelors and Bachelorettes past.

Nick donated Kaitlyn's engagement ring and a dead rose to the museum. Did Neil Lane approve that?

The girls have to do an exercise where they pretend to break up with Nick. The purpose of this exercise is to mentally prepare them for when Nick breaks up with them.

Nick to Josephine: "Can't wait to see how insane you are."

Liz to Nick: "U ready, bro? This shit is about to get real."

Most of the breakups are pretty unremarkable, except for Josephine. Josephine does an A+ skit wherein Nick is an alcoholic and she decides to leave him. She slaps Nick across the face and he definitely gets a boner from it.

Liz's turn. Damnit, Liz, stop being such an attention whore. She's telling their actual story and it's awful. You could cut the tension with a knife. No one knows the story is real, but everyone can sense Liz's crazy, simmering there beneath her psycho eyes. Yo, everyone is confused and Liz is the worst.

At the wrap party, Jaimi tells Nick that she used to date a woman. They joke about competing for the same girls in the house. I feeeeel like she might have just friend zoned herself with that line. Interesting that ABC just skimmed right over the fact that Jaimi is bisexual. I wonder if they'll come back to it? We shall see.

They clearly have bigger fish to fry this week.

Liz continues to prove that she sucks. Nick agrees and sends her home unceremoniously. Points on points on points! Apparently "always a bridesmaid, never Nick's bride" applies to Liz as well. #foreshadowing

Prediction: Liz will never wear that romper again. It is not nearly as cute from the back as she thinks it is.

We're left with a cliffhanger, so no rose ceremony this week.

"oh no. alexis. no no no no no no noooooooo." I forgot why I wrote this and just remembered. During the credits, we see Alexis trotting out two cupcakes decorated as boobs. Because it's her one year fake boob-iversary. She and Nick eat them together and I want to punch her in the face. How dare she disrespect cupcakes like that?

Next week we anticipate a dramatic fallout from the Liz sitch. Can't wait to watch these girls crumble after hearing the news. Should be mahhhvelous.

High points earned this week! Check your standings. Leave us some validation below. Our egos will appreciate it.

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth
League Commissioner

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Nick V Week One: Fins to the Left, (Shark)Fins to the Right

Welcome back, Bachies! We're thrilled to begin our eighth season of roses, points, and casual Monday night gambling. The Roses to Riches club has maintained its strong participation numbers, with more than 100 participants spanning coast to coast once again.

Some administrative announcements:

There have been a few slight rule changes this season. See your Rules and Deets doc for details. If you don't have one, yell at your pool captain about it. Of the rule changes, my favorite is the addition of Over-the-Hill Points. This season, contestants aged 30 or over will receive three extra points for each episode they appear in. There are only three geriatric contestants in the competition, despite Nick being 36. Let's see how this plays out, shall we?

Also, in case you missed it, we have eliminated Minority Points, due to Nick's extremely diverse and racially ambiguous cast. This is a true win for humanity.

Side Note: I always miss Chris Harrison, our lord and savior, SO MUCH during the off season. His voice is like a big hug. Mr. Harrison, if you're reading, please come live in my apartment as a therapeutic life coach.

As we begin the episode, Nick really turns on the charm. He appears to be humble and relatively self aware. In the beginning we get a good recap of his past humiliations on TV.

Elizabeth is proud of his big Catholic family. His sister Bella has grown up a lot - wasn't she just a toddler last season? She's now old enough to offer "advice." Bizarre.

He meets with bachelor-emeriti Chris, Sean and Ben. They offer nothing of value, but get their ABC appearance paycheck. This is a pleasant reminder that Nick is the most interesting bachelor in at least four seasons, so we've got that going for us.

Damn girl. Got some sun to go with that shade?

The contestant bios begin, and honestly, this part of the night is kind of a blackout for blog notes. I was busy furiously writing draft notes that include the following, in no particular order:

- psycho eyes

- too much midriff

- NO PLS NO

- relatively normal

- ADULT WITH A NANNY

- old, but promising

- destined for paradise

- BOOBS

- good sob story

- gorgeous but annoying

- excited about food. KEEPER

- no underwear. NO UNDERWEAR. do not pick.

- dead eyes

I'll let you figure out which girl gets which note.

Other highlights: Neil Lane makes a guest appearance to get his sponsorship money's worth. Many contestants have potty mouths, tattoos and red dresses. Liz had a drunk quickie with Nick at a wedding earlier this year. Danielle is super confident in her french toast. Josephine forced him to eat a cold hot dog. Alexis thinks her shark costume is a dolphin.

#neverforget

Let's unpack that last one real quick - the "aspiring dolphin trainer" doesn't realize that her Left Shark costume is not, in fact, a dolphin. How is that possible? A) Wherever she got that costume from for sure had it titled "shark costume." B) Aren't there obnoxious actual dolphin costumes she could have worn? C) She probably doesn't know that Chicken of the Sea is tuna. WHY is she doing this to herself? 

The limos leave, the girls put their game faces on, and our watch party launches in drafting chaos. 

^Two pools drafting in one apartment looks like this ^

Once drafting is complete the point categories begin. 

Rachel gets the first chat time. She's adorable and clearly too intelligent to be on this show. We immediately see some sparks and I immediately begin shit talking since she was my first draft pick. Keep it up, girl.

Virgin Christen has the hungriest eyes. She's wearing a highlighter-yellow dress and clearly imagining Nick naked - not that we need to imagine since ABC put a camera man in Nick's shower at the top of the show.

Bring on the points!

Corinne shows up as the early villain. She tries to suppress her crazy at first in front of Nick, but that doesn't last long. She steals him away for a second one-on-one chat so that she can earn First Kiss Points! Conveniently, all the other girls saw the kiss and the hatred spread like wild fire. According to Nick he wasn't totally comfortable with the gun-jumping, but that clearly didn't stop him from participating in the >3sec smooch. 

Liz, however, kissed him nine months ago – so she's feeling good.

We're getting a lot of stealing away points and even some early tear points from Jasmine G.

Claw are coming out and I'm remembering why I love this show.

Dolphin/Shark girl is killin' me. She starts calling for Nick with her best dolphin impression while wading in the pool. Nick is understandably concerned with her confusion of sharks and dolphins. She does a confessional interview and her eyes don't open, so she earns the first Visibly Intoxicated points of the season.

Nick calls out the elephant in the mansion with Liz. She's Jade's best friend and hooked up with Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding. After the incident he asked for her number, she said no thanks, then waited nine months to reach out to him via national television. Nick's cautious, as he should be, but my guess is that we'll see her for at least another two episodes.

"Except we didn't sleep and he may not remember me."

Taylor has told him multiple times that her friends think he is a piece of shit. <- that is not hyperbole; she got bleeped out every time. It's not like "my friends hate you BUT...here's a compliment to show you that I feel differently." She just says piece of shit and leaves it. That technique has never worked for me in the past, but good luck to her.

Danielle M is ADORABLE. The baby nurse. They have some chemistry and she seems likes a pleasant human to be around. Snaps for Danielle M.

Vanessa apparently hates flowers. Gonna be a rough experience for her.

Rachel gets the first impression rose! I'm thrilled, as is the Bachelor PR team now that a minority woman is an early front runner. Looks like HuffPo will need to table their white washing op-eds for at least another week.

Keep the points coming, Rachel.

At the first rose ceremony of the season Vanessa gets the first rose and Liz rounds out with the final. Sharkphin girl shockingly gets a rose. Going home tonight this morning are Angela, Briana, Ida Marie, Jasmine B, Lauren, Michelle, Olivia and Susannah. We get some last minute tear points from Briana and Lauren.

Props to Rob S, Clare C, Mary and Amanda out of Chicago, Jessica in Kansas City, and Alex H in Nashville for the only teams completely standing after night one! (and trust me, it's painful to give any credit to Rob S for anything)

Check your points and double-check our work on the pool listings. We typed a lot of teams after several bottles of Bachelor branded wine, so there are likely to be a few typos. Reach out to commish@rosestoriches.com with questions or tweet @rosestoriches. Leave us some love below.

Love and Roses, 

Julie

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