Nick V Week Four: Spider Monkey Stiletto Beat Down

Hello, my adoring fans! Happy Terrible Tuesday. Hope this blog adds a ray of snarky sunshine to your day. Nothing would make me happier. Except a surprise visit from Chris Harrison. Surprise Chris Harrison is the best kind of Chris Harrison.

The show opens to the aftermath of Corinne's bouncy house sexcapade with Nick. All the girls are reeling from the incident except Corinne, who is sound asleep once again because she DGAF.

Vanessa handles it best by telling Nick that she's judging him--not Corinne. As she should! Corinne is just playing the game, you gotta respect that. And if Nick is buying what she's selling then that's something to be aware of when you think about whether you want to spend eternity with him. Vanessa threatens to give back her rose.

Nick to Vanessa: "Tell me when you're mad so that I can completely ignore it. Love you though please don't leave."

Nick to Vanessa, again: "Try to be patient about Corinne. She'll be gone real soon."

NOT SOON ENOUGH, NICK. Rob M is winning our Chicago pool because of Corinne so please give her the axe already. I'm over her antics. Get rid of Taylor too while you're at it.

Chris Harrison joins us to steal Nick away for one-on-one time. I yearn for the day that Chris Harrison joins the pool party.

Nick gives a speech about how The Process is "all about the end game." The girls nod in understanding, which kind of surprises me. For some reason "the end justifies the means" feels like an inappropriate strategy for this scenario. But hey--what do I know?

Some of the girls go to wake up Corinne for the Rose Ceremony and confront her about the bouncy house situation. Any time the words "bouncy house situation" are uttered in serious tones, you know shit is about to go down. They call her entitled. She says she is "not privileged in any way, shape or form." My eyes cannot roll back far enough in my head.

All of the ladies feel confident that Corinne is going to be sent home. Corinne is OBVIOUSLY NOT going to be sent home because a) previews, b) producers, c) Nick's boner.

Danielle M: "I'm confused whether Nick is looking for a woman or a girl."
^This pretty much sums up the premise of Over The Hill points. Way to represent your people, Danielle.

Corinne gets the Final Rose (told ya). We say goodbye to Brittany (who?) and Christen (she didn't even get to tell him she's a virgin!).

Brittany's mouth doesn't open when she talks and it upsets me.

Corinne hijacking Nick's toast is incredible. So much side eye, everyone wants to punch Corinne in the boobs.

The next day Josephine waxes poetic about how the remaining ladies must all be v special to Nick. Girlllll you are fat waiting to be trimmed. Don't get carried away.

Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion and announces that the girls should pack their bags. It's time for them to leave on a jet plane, don't know when they'll be back again. The first stop on their exotic world tour is the great city of Milwaukee, Wisconsin!

Here's what I know about Wisconsin: people from Wisconsin LOOOOOVE Wisconsin. None of these girls are from Wisconsin though, and they are acting so excited about Wisconsin that you can tell that they're actually horrified to go to Wisconsin.

#WisconsinGoals

Phew, that was exhausting. You know what else was exhausting? Watching these girls pack their suitcases in a flurry of arms, legs, bikini tops and skimpy cutout cocktail dresses. Two words for you, ladies: Capsule. Wardrobe.

They arrive in Waukesha. Fun fact: Real Life Corinne (Chicago Conference) was in Waukesha this weekend!

Nick talks with his precious Catholic parents who created ten beautiful, normal children and also Nick. Nick cries because he knows he will never be as wonderful as they are.

Elizabeth's mom Nick's mom: "You've been single for SO. LONG."

Nick's dad: "We don't want to see you on this show again. Stop embarrassing us."

Meanwhile, we have never seen Alexis wearing hoops smaller than 3 inches in diameter. Pop quiz: Alexis, how do you measure diameter?

One-on-one with Danielle L. They walk around town and talk about Nick's exes, which is pretty much my idea of the perfect date. They go to a bakery and discover some creepy AF cookies with Nick's face on them. They lick Nick's face off the cookie.

Could be worse though, because as a wise man once said, "If you're truly in love, you have to want to lick their face."

Nick kisses Danielle with his eyes open. The room is divided on if this is weird or not. Opinion A: "You gotta read your audience, see what kind of effect you're having." Opinion B: "No."

Do dementors kiss open-eyed? Someone tweet at JK for a definitive answer.

They "run into" Nick's ex. Danielle asks her why Nick is still single and "Amber" can't seem to come up with any concrete reason other than that Nick is "heart-driven when it comes to relationships," aka human. This is the most uncomfortable interaction.

They sit on a soggy soccer field and Nick reminisces about a few more of his exes.

Nick: "I once made a girl locker shelves so I could kiss her. Chrissy..." *stares longingly toward the horizon*

"Do you have any obvious flaws? Do you go grocery shopping in sweatpants?" Nick, what are you even doing on this show? First of all, I wasn't aware that grocery shopping in sweatpants was a flaw. Second of all, if you want a girl who goes grocery shopping in sweatpants, just go to the freaking grocery store. We are there 1-4 days a week. Sidle on up to the Brussels sprouts section and strike up a convo about how they're ALWAYS OUT OF BRUSSELS SPROUTS like is this even a joke?? WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS OUT OF BRUSSELS SPROUTS?!!?

Danielle seems kinda fake tbh. This is such a weird conversation, it's like they're two girls swapping bad date stories. Danielle sort of reminds me of Caila. Perpetual smile--check. Forced/fake laugh--check. Pre-composed, robotic answers to Nick's questions--check.

Hair--unfortunately, leaves much to be desired.

^ All of Danielle L's talking heads ^

They go to another concert, the second of Danielle's Bachelor career. Chris Lane performs. I've seen his name on a banner on Music Row! Allegedly he has a hit song now. We have a bona fide Nashville singer/songwriter at our watch party. She says Chris Lane is the biggest douche ever, surprising absolutely no one.

Danielle gets the rose.

The group date is on a dairy farm, because Wisconsin stereotypes. Sarah does a great job of acting overly excited about things that are definitely not exciting which probably makes her an awesome third grade teacher.

I'm so distracted by the dairy farmer calling it "melk."

Good job, Jasmine, for having a positive attitude about the farm chores. "You get what you get and you don't get upset" should be the motto of this show.

OF COURSE Jaimi is good at milking the cows.

One of the girls asks, "What's next?" which makes me nostalgic for the West Wing.

#BartletForAmerica

During the date, the girls confront Corinne about her super offensive nap during the pool party. Corinne justifies her actions by saying that Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln have done the exact same thing. Sorry, Corinne, but no. Michael Jordan didn't take a nap DURING the 1986 double overtime playoff game against the Boston Celtics. Abraham Lincoln didn't take a nap DURING the Gettysburg Address. This is the most important moment of your Bachelor career, Corinne. You don't get to just TAKE.A.NAP. Get your head in the game.

Has anyone seen the movie Eloise? Corinne reminds me so much of Eloise. For reference, the first line is, "Hi, I'm Eloise. I'm six!"

Corinne to Nick: "This could be us but you playin."

Kristina and Corinne have a heated exchange which earns them both some verbal altercation points. Corinne gets upset and leaves the conversation by turning to face the other way on the couch. She ultimately does leave the couch, at which point Josephine awakes from her slumber on. that. same. couch. She was there listening the whole time! You sneaky Josephine!

"We had an adult convo." <-- actual quote from Corinne.

Kristina gets the rose! She doesn't have to go back to Russia.

On her one-on-one date, Raven is wearing an interesting tank top with a LOT of stomach area cut outs. That look does not usually work in my favor. When Raven sees Nick, she does the run-and-jump move which also does not usually work in my favor.

Goals.

Goals.

Reality.

Moral of that story: big, dumb and tone deaf, please apply.

Nick takes Raven to the same soccer field where he took Danielle. Bella is there! This girl has gotten more screen time than many of the contestants and I'm okay with it. She has grown up to be a very mature young lady. Nick and Raven coach their soccer game and it's adorable. I appreciate that Raven zips up her jacket in front of the children.

Surprise parents! Nick introduces Raven to the fam. They seem to like her.

Then Bella invites them to go roller skating.

Much like this classic cinematic moment.

We mostly see Raven and Bella chatting while Nick casually skates by on his own. It's so cute. We learn that Bella was not allowed to watch Bachelor in Paradise, which makes me love and appreciate Nick's parents even more. #shelteredchild

Casual shot of a toddler INSIDE the toy claw machine at the skating rink. I would like to know more about that but I'm afraid those two seconds are all we get.

This date makes my inner 12-year-old so giddy. Couples skating with a boy?! That's the dream! Attention, men of Nashville: if you want to take me roller skating, I'm down. I'm so down.

Nick: "What was your favorite part of the date? Because for me it was all my favorite part." Use your words, Nick.

We already knew that Raven got cheated on, and now we get all the juicy details. This story is the most Arkansas thing I have ever heard. As legend has it, Raven heard from a friend that her boyfriend was about to sleep with someone else. Her mom handed her her gun keys and said, "Go." Raven then drove two hours to Little Rock, kicked in the door, found them DOING IT, and went into a full blown rage against him, "spider monkey-fast" (appx 35mph...thank you, Nat Geo). She threw him off the bed and beat him to a pulp with the other girl's stiletto. I can't make this stuff up, people.

Hell hath no fury like a scorned Raven.

"How awful would it have been if I had married that person and he wasn't my ride or die?" - Raven from Hoxie, Arkansas.

I love everything about Raven except all of her wardrobe choices. She gets the rose and they skate off into the sunset.

At the cocktail party, Danielle L kicks things off by committing the Bachelor Cardinal Sin! If you need a refresher, the Cardinal Sin is as follows: "Thou shalt not steal the Bachelor/Bachelorette for thine own one-on-one time, if thou hast in thy possession already, a rose for that week." Such an exciting moment.

Your sisters are not going to be pleased, Danielle L.

In a surprising turn of events, we see Josephine and Corinne form an alliance over pigs in a blanket, which look delicious. Corinne plots against Taylor and Josephine is on board.

Corinne: "I'm about to rip her a new one." *reaches for another pig in a blanket*
Josephine: *swallows her mouthful of food* "Do it."

Corinne takes Taylor out for a fireside chat, and not like the Roosevelt kind. Taylor ends up schooling Corinne on emotional intelligence. Corinne doesn't take it well. This is a very weird scene for me because Real Life Corinne is the most emotionally intelligent person I know. Real Life Corinne taught me that feelings are normal and okay (shout out to Corinne). Bach Corinne needs to go. She is bringing shame upon others who share her name.

^Used to be me.

The conflict isn't resolved, but points are awarded. We're left with another cliffhanger. To echo Julie's sentiments from last week, I'm okay with the cliffhangers. The past few seasons were so incredibly boring that I'm thankful to have some genuine, minimally manipulated drama. This is outstanding television. Props to you, producers.

These points are Week Four only - so Wisconsin trip and on. If you're curious how Week Three shook out with the Rose Ceremony, check your points page.

I'll leave you with one final quote from Alexis.

"My two biggest fears are Nicolas Cage and aliens."

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth