Nick V Week Three: Bach-street's Back, Alright!

Welcome back from the land of cliffhanging. We left off last week as Nick dismissed Liz and came clean to the group date attendees about the Jade/Tanner wedding sitch. The girls report back to their frenemies at the mansion. By the time Nick arrives the next day (in quite the obnoxious floral tie), everyone is in the know and armed with pitch forks. Liz is probably not safe to walk around the Los Angeles area until these girls are safely out of the country.

Somewhere in there Christen got the group date rose. ABC didn't care enough to show us, and I didn't notice until Twitter told me.

We've updated week two points accordingly.

This is a bit of a deep cut, but if any dear readers have watched The Newsroom, don't you think the way they kept cutting Liz's "we had sex" audio is very reminiscent of "we used sarin" from Season 3? No? Just me? No other Aaron Sorkin fans out there? Bueller? Bueller?

ANYWAY, at the cocktail party every girl brings Liz up during their one-on-one chat, trying to pretend to be cool with the addition to Nick's "number." Fake giggles errrwhere.

"I want to talk to you about Liz"- desperation in a dress
"Yea? I feel fine about it." - Nick
"GREAT. ME TOO. FINE." - desperation in a dress with gritted teeth imagining whether or not they'd be a better sexual partner than Liz and looking for some form of confirmation of that fact in Nick's eyes.

Only variation on the above is Corinne pretending to be smart by using the word "intercourse."

Speaking of Corinne, she already has a rose this week from her hold-my-boobs group date stunt, but she feels the need to go for the gold anyhow. She has a naked plan up her sleeve and is hoping for some intercourse of her own tonight. It looks like we're going to dance around the sexual assault lines a little more.

"Is this a dress or a coat?" - Nick
"It's a trench coat with nothing underneath. Put whipped cream on my boobs." - Crazy Eyes Corinne
"Uh, I'm uncomfortable right now, but my nether regions like this plan." - Nick
"Perfect, look at my boobs." - possible sexual predator
"Ok." - male caveman in a Nick costume

Reddi Whip taking that sponsorship up a notch. Shame on props to them.

Meanwhile, all the other girls are watching the whipped Cor-ream incident (<see what I did there?) and crying for various reasons. Big betch tears points night. Jasmine finally pulls Nick out of the train wreck, which causes Corinne to realize how much she humiliated herself. She runs upstairs mortified.

Again, Corinne ALREADY has a rose. Therefore, she's already moving on to next week. This Hail Mary whipped cream play (what an odd combination of words) was so unnecessary. Not to mention, it's still only week two. The fat hasn't even been trimmed yet. Has she not seen this show before? Save the psychotic tendencies and adventurous sex acts for at least week four.

Rose ceremony: Corinne doesn't show. She and her rose are sound asleep upstairs. Honestly, this is the one Corinne move I condone. If you're already staying, why stand in those 4" heels until 5am to watch the losers walk? Get some beauty sleep for the next week. It's not like she's here to make friends or anything (except one lifelong best friend, which is a totally separate rabbit hole of semantics I could go down).

A few girls get cut, but they were girls whose names I hadn't yet learned. Check points if you're curious.

Now on to Week Three:

The day starts as all good days start: with the Backstreet Boys. Should we say Bach-street boys moving forward? That's rhetorical, because I'm going to anyway.  The Bach-street Boys stop by the house to say hi to all the girls. The ones that don't get to go on this boy band group date are rightfully pissed.

On the group date, the girls learn a backup dance to be performed with our Bach-street Boys. Some girls, like NBA dancer Jasmine, excel. Meanwhile, Corinne's confidence is busted because homegirl has no rhythm. They should have used my 5th grade choreography - maybe Corinne could have handled it.

It looked a lot like this...bowl cut and all.

Fun fact: Nick V and Nick C are the same age. Old man Kevin is 45 and wearing a dress.

During the concert, Danielle is chosen by Bach-street to make out slow dance with Nick. The other girls get to watch and simultaneously wig out.

Later in the evening portion of the date we get more of the Corinne show, which includes more talking in the third person. After a semi-normal chat with Nick, Corinne believes that she "made Corinne great again." I'd put up at least $50 that she voted for Trump. Anyone want to take that bet?

Corinne also feels the need to share with her competition that she is a 24 year old "adult" with a nanny. ADULT with a NANNY. That nanny apparently makes fantastic "cheese pasta" which is either mac and cheese or noodles with parmesan. Either way, Corinne is a child.

"You know, she makes my cucumber n'stuff" - Corinne, the baby dressed like an adult hooker
"Makes cucumber? She farms them?" - me
"She makes the best cheese pasta. I've tried, and I can't make it as good as she does" - Same baby hooker
"I could really go for some blue box right about now" - me

Is this subliminal advertising by Kraft? 

Group date rose is awarded to Danielle, likely based on her Bach-street Boys-serenaded make out.

Next up we have a one-on-one with Vanessa, the adorable special needs teacher that is too smart and normal for this show. Their date is on a zero gravity plane, aka the Vomit Comet.

"I'm excited to wear situation-appropriate aviators see Vanessa" - Mav-Nick
^^see what drunk me did there? That's called a bad joke because this date is about space, and Top Gun was not.

The plane does loops causing our Romeo and Juliessa to fly around as if they were in outer space. I really want to see a Making Of this date to see how the camera man is hanging in there...is he tied down? Is he floating also? Is he a she? These are the big questions.

This good boy loves weightlessness.

As expected from her panicked eye contact with the off screen producers, Vanessa voms. Nick's cool about it--it's called a Vomit Comet for a reason. You know what I wasn't expecting? Them kissing after she booted. KISSING. Thank God someone brought gum up there. Mad props to Vanessa for being such a dainty puker and remaining graceful and beautiful in the face of mid-air trauma.

Later on, the two have a good faux dinner date. They talk about family n'stuff. Vanessa gets a rose and I'm predicting she makes it to hometowns.

Field Day group date! I always love these athletic dates. Really separates the women from the brats girls. Hope we all wore our sweat-proof mascara. We definitely didn't wear our high-support sports bras. Astrid is going to be sore.

Be an athletic support bra.

Speaking of Astrid, she earns the first hot tub points of the season. Granted, she was fully clothed, and leggings in a hot tub can't be pleasant, but hey, points are points.

Post-date, Dominique is hitting early stages of melt down. Frankly, if she's feeling ignored after three weeks, she's not cut out for this show. The producers she decides to whine to Nick. Her "why didn't you talk to me today" speech is the verbal form of purchasing her ticket home. Literally - he sends her home immediately after the confrontation. Unceremonious elimination points for Dom. My fantasy team is crumbling like her morale.

Rachel gets the group date rose. She's another keeper.

Chris Harrison, our Lord and Savior, makes an appearance at the house to announce that the cocktail party is canceled...but they're having a pool party instead. This is becoming a thing, right? I feel like we've done the pool party schtick like four seasons in a row.

Real footage from my last pool party.

Our girls are bikini-clad and clawing their way to Nick's perfectly greased abs. Corinne hired a bounce house that she intends to "get to know" him in, Jade and Tanner wedding-style. Nothing says "I'm marriage material" like "let's have sex in a children's toy".
^I would like to note that this is not a knock on bounce houses themselves. I, as a 26 year old "adult" am still a huge fan of the bounce house entertainment medium...just not sex in one. Imagine the nylon skin burn potential? Ouch.

Hope the liability waiver covers bounce house injuries.

Since nothing in this mansion is private, ALL of the other girls watch the bounce house ordeal. They're rightfully disgusted; see note about nylon burns above. Since this is The Bachelor, they take out their frustration by warning Nick that C-baby is most certainly Here for the Wrong Reasons©. Raven warns him (points). Taylor warns him (points). Vanessa warns him (more points), but she warns him in the best way: "I'm not judging Corinne. I'm judging your actions." - DAYUM girl. I can't wait to see more of this conversation next week.

Yes, that's right, we have another cliff hanger. We have to wait another 6 days for our rose ceremony. While I normally hate when ABC gets off schedule like this, this season seems to warrant the extra screen time. There is nothing I would have cut from this episode. This is the best season we've had in a while, in that it's truest to the original Bachelor brand. Keep up the good work, producers.

These points include Week Three ONLY.

Check your points. Talk smack to your league competitors. Leave some love in the comments. Give me validation.

Love and Roses,
Julie