Week Four Recap: Seoulmates in Seoul

Because the lack of booze was making things a little too normal i.e. boring, ABC took the show overseas in record time after just three weeks. Juan Pablo and the girls leave the comforts of SoCal and jet off to Seoul, South Korea. There's a good possibility very few of the Bach-ies don't actually understand that there are both North Korea and South Korea because they keep just saying OMG KOREA! Clare is really worried because she doesn't even have a kimono.

The first group date of the week involves K-Pop. The "POP" clue really threw the girls for a loop: Cassandra thought they might be eating popcorn so clearly Juan Pablo is attracted to her intelligence. Turns out they are performing with the girl group 2ne1 on a stage in the mall. They are all super excited to wear neon and dance with JP. If we can briefly recall, Nikki answered the bio question about favorite type of dancing with, "Is drunk dancing a type?" So, not sure why she didn't just pound a few shots and make her own party out of it. Kat is a major show off/possibly on drugs and legitimately expects to get the rose for having the physical skills required by the date activity. What is this, amateur hour? Everyone knows the girl with emotional struggles and/or no skills whatsoever is the one who gets the rose. Nikki wins the rose and now everyone hates her but she was just being herself.

Sharleen's one-on-one date is all kinds of awkward. The two Seoulmates explore the city, which means they have casual scheduled encounters with "local people." During the date Sharleen tries to flirt with Juan Pablo by telling him that he's not as bland as she originally thought. It's probably the most backhanded compliment ever, but Juan Pablo doesn't mind because Juan Pablo doesn't understand the word bland. At dinner she sings opera and Juan Pablo calls her "bella" which she doesn't understand. ALL THE LANGUAGE BARRIERS. They bond over having lived in another country and she halfway admits that she doesn't want children. She dances around those actual words and hopes it gets lost in translation so she and Juan Pablo can get back to assaulting each other with their mouths. Here is Sharleen's Bachelor journey, in photos:

First night

Seoulmates?

On the second group date, Clare is a clingy 13-year-old who turns eating one bite of octopus into the biggest deal in the world. Dog Lover (STILL HERE, WHY?) sees this ordeal as the perfect opportunity for some slut-shaming. "I KNOW you've swallowed bigger things than that before." Zing! Also alludes to the fact that her forced bite of octopus is the most Clare has eaten in two weeks. So there's that. Props to Alli for bringing some Midwest realness to the situation by pointing out that you can literally order octopus in any Italian restaurant in the city of Chicago. The date takes a turn for the weird when Lauren S asks Juan Pablo for a beso and he refuses. Maybe she should have used a whole sentence instead of creepily whispering "a kiss?" at him while they danced to no music.

Renee is awesome, per usual. She won't win but I'm rooting for her anyway.

Dog Lover is the star of the cocktail party, deliberately stirring the house drama pot and looking at everyone with her one and a half eyes. It's pretty clear she's there purely for our viewer entertainment. We know this because Juan Pablo whisked her away for a chat but the producers cut every second of that footage from the episode. She'll be gone soon, mark my words.

We said sad goodbyes to Lauren S and Elise. No shockers there at all, but the fact that Dog Lover is STILL HERE shows that Juan Pablo still has some fat-trimming to do. Looking forward to next week's vacay, to the beautiful, exotic, tropical paradise......................'Nam. Classic bait and switch. This should be entertaining.

We have our first team elimination! Maggie's last two Maids of Mischief were sent packing this week. As a reward for her remarkably unremarkable team, Maggie will win a bottle of wine. Appropriate.

Week Four standings, in descending order. Roster updates can be viewed here. Next week, Bach-ies who are not eliminated will earn 2 points instead of 1. This point value will increase by one for each remaining episode.

82 points - MC's McSluts

67 points - Elizabeth's Slam Pieces

51 points - Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

46 points - J$'s Dime$

46 points - Cooney's Cunts

43 points - Shannon's Slutty Senoritas

42 points - Audrey's Fetch Betches

36 points - Julie's Jezebels

35 points - Corinne's Circle of Bitches 

25 points - Maggie's Maids of Mischief

Will you assept dis rose?

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Organizers

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Week Three: The Snooze-Without-Booze Fest

Was it just me, or did this week's episode lack the typical Bachelor pizzazz? There were some dates, some snide remarks, and some tears, but overall not many points were awarded to the league. I blame Juan Pablo's sobriety for the lack of gasp-inducing moments.

The first date of the week went to Cassandra aka the last girl chosen for any team (except for Team Stuckey, holla! Side props to Eliz for this hilar and accurate prediction and to Emily for confirmation). She did her best to fool Juan Pablo into thinking she has a personality, but we saw right though that dead-eyes smile. Her "I haven't been on a first date since I was 18" line sure did the trick for Juan Pablo though, because Cassandra snagged herself a rose and will continue to bore us into the next episode.

Next up was this week's group date, which stunned the whole world by involving soccer.  Who would have expected Juan Pablo to take the girls to a soccer field? Oh, that's right...everyone.
Unfortunately, I don't have much to say about this date because I was too busy swooning over JP's body skills. All I remember is the satisfaction of seeing Sharleen hit in the face at least 3 times (#karma).

After the date activity, the group moved upstairs to the cocktail portion. Juan Pablo canoodled hardcore (meaning made out) with several of the girls, including Nikki, Andi, and Sharleen with the bruised face. When the rose moment came, all girls seemed shocked that JP had kissed multiple women (duh, he's dating 27 of you at once) and ultimately Nikki scored the group-date rose.

The third date of the week was a one-on-one with Chelsie. The pair ambled around Pasadena during the day, snacking on Venezuelan food, only to vomit (or want to vomit) it all back up bungee jumping off a bridge. Poor Chelsie was scared to death, but she cried her betch tears out and womaned-up to make the jump with Juan Pablo. Bonus Points: Chelsie compared the bungee jumping trip to their budding relationship, scoring her several points on the originality meter.

Instead of a cocktail party this week, Juan Pablo stole some plays from the Sean and Desiree playbooks by surprising the women early in the morning, and hosting a pool party instead of a cocktail party. A special nod goes to Renee for rocking the no-makeup, bed-head look, and a glare goes to Dog Lover for refusing to let America see her true demon self.

After a long day of sneaky make-outs, and glorious shirtless Juan Pablo shots, the night end with JP kicking out two women. Poor Hippie Lucy floated her way out the door (clothed, sadly) followed by Christy. At least Groupon can now regain it's Most Valuable Employee lol.

Somehow, by the grace of the ABC Producers, Dog Lover is STILL around. STILL. Don't worry though, JP fans, there are still plenty of roses and rejections to be handed out.

Week Three standings, in descending order. Roster updates can be viewed here.

64 points - MC's McSluts

62 points - Elizabeth's Slam Pieces
44 points - Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

38 points - J$'s Dime$

34 points - Cooney's Cunts

32 points - Shannon's Slutty Senoritas

32 points - Audrey's Fetch Betches

23 points - Julie's Jezebels

21 points - Corinne's Circle of Bitches 

18 points - Maggie's Maids of Mischief

Love and Roses,

Julie and Elizabeth

League Organizers

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Week Two Recap: All Aboard the Crazy Train

I officially deem Week Two of Juan Pablo's reign on El Bachelor a success. So many twists and turns, and massive amounts of points awarded.

The first one-on-one dates were this week, and were perfectly cute and predictable. Fake snow, hot tub, private plane, neon costumes, the whole shebang. Props to Clare for snagging the first snog of the season. And clearly Kat was a good choice for the Electric Run, because we unanimously concluded that running a 5k on a first date would be an absolute nightmare.

I must admit I am a little surprised and disappointed that Lucy hasn't caused any drama yet. I mean yeah, she's naked all the time and doesn't wear makeup or shoes, but other than that she seems pretty chill and normal. I think we all had banked on Lunatic Lucy...bummer, dude.

Why is Dog Lover's dog still around? Better question, why is Dog Lover still around? How long is she going to keep this gimmick up? She seems cray cray.

Renee is a gem and anyone who says otherwise has no soul.

Dark horse/Former NBA Dancer/21-year-old Cassandra finally got some face time this week and is kind of a decent human being...who knew? She dropped the "I have a child" bomb on Juan Pablo, but he actually seemed kind of excited to learn about her toddler son. My theory is that her baby daddy is a former "co-worker," i.e. an NBA Player from the team she used to dance for. Just a guess.

Sadly, another crazy Amy bites the dust (note to self: never name your child Amy). This week Amy L destroyed her chances of winning JP's heart by conducting a cringe-worthy mock interview. To her credit, she was probably just defaulting to her comfort zone, but it was horribly awkward and def a deal breaker.

GOD BLESS VICTORIA, AMIRITE? This Brazilian beauty shocked us all with a complete and utter drunken meltdown. A beautiful combination of betch tears, visible drunkenness and unceremonious elimination earned her a whopping 12 points this episode. The only potential downfall of her complete lapse of composure is the likelihood that no one else will get drunk again this season. 

In another, slightly less exciting scene of emotional collapse, Andi had a minor freakout about appearing naked in front of millions of viewers on national television. Oh, and also in front of Juan Pablo. Considering she's one of the few Bach-ies with a legitimate career and a semblance of dignity, I'd say her hesitance was warranted. She handled it well though and she definitely should've gotten the rose over Dog Lover. Just because you wear a swim cap and get spray painted to look like a giraffe doesn't mean you'll do anything for love. She obviously did it for the dogs. (Side note: LOL @ Elise who just pawned off her own not-really-a-costume costume off to Lucy who lives for nudity anyway.)

Week Two standings, in descending order. Roster updates can be viewed here. 

48 points - MC's McSluts

47 points - Elizabeth's Slam Pieces

30 points - Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

30 points - J$'s Dime$

24 points - Shannon

23 points - Audrey's Fetch Betches

21 points - Cooney's Cunts

17 points - Julie's Jezebels

15 points - Corinne's Circle of Bitches

14 points - Maggie 

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie

League Organizers

P.S. In the interest of full disclosure, I want to alert the league to the bonus points that almost happened regarding the Victoria incident. We had seen in multiple previews that one drunk girl would wish death upon Juan Pablo while crying on the floor in the bathroom. The viewing audience decided that points would be awarded to that girl once her identity was revealed. However, the death wishes did not air during the actual episode. After a consultation with Judge Bradley, it was decided that "Wishing Death Upon Juan Pablo" points were void because we only saw this happen during a preview/extra footage, which does not qualify. Going forward, we will determine these bonus categories on an as needed basis and use majority ruling/Judge Bradley to award points accordingly.

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Week One Recap: Draft Night

Last night was the premiere of Juan Pablo's glorious tenure on "El Bachelor," which also means Draft Night. And what an exciting draft it was! All the league participants were furiously jotting down notes during the introductions, pausing only to refill wine glasses or inhale more baked brie. It's a unanimous feeling that this season will certainly live up to its hype, with a colorful cast of characters (figuratively AND literally...way to go, ABC!) and a plethora of shower shots of el guapeton, Juan Pablo.

Some highlights from the night and a few brief profiles of our favorite Bachelorettes, based on our introduction note-taking.

Quite an array of professions this season, ranging from federal prosecutor, to first grade teacher, to free spirit, to dog lover. For the record, dog lover = unemployed and free spirit = trust fund baby.

Amy J wins the insane award. Crazy eyes. Crazy gimmick (was that massage considered sexual assault?). Saying "I'm coming for you, Juan Pablo" a little too often. It's a shame she was eliminated, the other girls would've called her crazy millions of times! So many points for that!

Lucy twirled a lot, wore flowers in her hair and left her shoes at home. She's the free spirit/trust fund baby if that wasn't clear. She can't be trusted but she'll be a gold mine of crazy points.

Valerie was the first girl to actually refer to her betch claws. She also is a pro at archery. She'll be getting some confrontation points for sure.

Sharleen was the only girl NOT fangirling and drooling over Juan Pablo, so of course she got the First Impression Rose. Because doesn't it always work that way? We all want the one person who couldn't give less of a bother. Oh, life.

Poor, poor Kylie. Eliminated in the most horrifying and embarrassing way possible. She was too drunk to listen properly for her own name and came forward for her rose when Juan Pablo called Kat. Awk city bitch, awk awk city bitch...

Cassandra said literally one word the entire night: her name. THAT INCLUDES HER INTRODUCTION TO JUAN PABLO. SHE JUST STOOD THERE LIKE A FREAKING MANNEQUIN. Last girl chosen for dodgeball and for any of our teams. "My only note next to her name was a sad face so I'll just take Amy L..." -Emily Wurz, during Round 8 of the draft.

Who am I missing? I drank a lot of wine. Write about your favorite Bach-ies in the comments.

Bach-ies...can that be a thing?

---------

Team selections and team names can be viewed in the previous post, and point categories are available in the post immediately prior. Team names will be updated but the information will not change and those posts will serve as a permanent point of reference throughout the season.

Point Standings from Week One in descending order:

17 Points - MC's McSluts

14 Points - J$'s Dime$

13 Points - Elizabeth's Slam Pieces

8 Points - Julie's Jezebels

8 Points - Cooney's Cunts

8 Points - Shannon
7 Points - Corinne's Circle of Bitches

7 Points - Maggie

7 Points - Audrey's Fetch Betches

6 Points - Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie

League Organizers

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Draft Results

The draft is finalized, team selections are below. Team names, if chosen, are shown. A photo roster is below for visual reference.

Julie's Jezebels:

Nikki

Renee

Amy J.

Ashley

Christine

Lucy

Kylie

Chantal

Elizabeth's Slam Pieces

Sharleen

Victoria

Clare

Lucy

Lacy

Danielle

Christy

Cassandra

Cooney's Cunts

Andi

Renee

Alli

Chelsie

Kat

Alexis

Kelly

Amy J.

Corinne's Circle of Bitches

Nikki

Lacy

Christine

Maggie

Alexis

Lauren H.

Elise

Christy

Shannon's Slutty Senoritas

Alli

Lauren S.

Clare

Kat

Ashley

Maggie

Danielle

Kylie

J-$'s Dime$

Sharleen

Renee

Valerie

Lauren H.

Christine

Elise

Amy L.

Cassandra

Maggie's Maids of Mischief. Last place! Wins wine!

Alexis

Lauren S.

Elise

Valerie

Lucy

Chantal

Amy L.

Kylie

MC's McSluts

Nikki

Andi

Sharleen

Lauren H.

Chelsie

Victoria

Amy J.

Kelly

Audrey's Fetch Betches

Andi

Clare

Alli

Maggie

Ashley

Danielle

Kat

Chantal

Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

Lauren S.

Victoria

Chelsie

Lacy

Valerie

Kelly

Christy

Cassandra

The Bachelorettes

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Point System

Rose Points. These points will be awarded when Juan Pablo awards a Rose to one of the Bachelorettes. A girl who receives a Date Rose will still earn the "not eliminated" point for the episode in addition to her Date Rose points. Once Juan Pablo trims the fat down to the final 10 Bachelorettes, the value of "not eliminated" points will increase by one point per episode.    

      

First Rose of the evening, 1 point

Final Rose of the evening, 1 point

Group Date Rose, 2 points

One-on-One Date Rose, 2 points

Two-on-One Date Rose, 2 points

Not eliminated/receives a Rose in ceremony, 1 point

A la Carte Points. These points may be awarded at any point during the episode--and as many times per episode--as deemed appropriate by the viewing audience and/or the unbiased judge, Bradley Smith.

            

Misuses the word "caliente," or makes other egregious Spanish error, 2 points

Says "family oriented" or talks about wanting to start a family immediately, 1 point

Compares date activity to relationship, 2 points

Talks about becoming a stepmother/mother to Camila, 4 points

Mentions Juan Pablo's season, hoping it would be Juan Pablo, 1 point

Warns Juan Pablo that someone else is "here for the wrong reasons," 4 points

Gets visibly/inappropriately drunk, 4 points

Talks about not being here "to make friends," 2 points

Requires medical attention, 5 points

Apologizes to family/friends on camera, 2 points

Talks about previous marriage, 2 points

Uses the word "fake" or "crazy" to describe another girl, 1 point

Cries betch tears, 2 points

Says "I hate drama" or a similar phrase indicating that she actually loves drama, 3 points

Interrupts one-on-one time to claim her own one-on-one time, 1 point

Gets in a physical altercation/extreme verbal confrontation, 5 points

Unceremonious elimination/self-removal, 4 points

Comes back after being eliminated or leaving, 15 points

One Time Only Points. These points may be awarded only once per season. These points represent major mile stones in Juan Pablo's journey and must be treated with respect, dignity and honor. They must be awarded with careful consideration and must be accompanied by great joy and celebration from the viewing audience.           

First Impression Rose, 5 points

Falling for Juan Pablo, 5 points

First Real Kiss, 5 points

First Helicopter Ride, 5 points

I Love You, 5 points

Winner, 30 points

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie

League Organizers

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The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It's finally JUAN-uary! Perhaps the most anticipated television event of our lives to date. Our hearts and eyes could not be happier. Can't necessarily say the same for our livers. However, looking forward to a beautiful season of tears, cat fights, heartbreak and terrible attempts at Spanish. 

This blog is where we'll be hosting all League information: episode recaps, weekly updates, point standings, team rosters. Check back for regular posts.

We'll be collecting money via PayPal this year, much more official than our glass flower bowl with wads of cash in it. Please send League fees using this PayPal link to ea.walsh8@gmail.com. Please note, fees this year are $15. This is a $5 increase from our guinea pig season.


Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Organizers

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