Week Three: The Snooze-Without-Booze Fest

Was it just me, or did this week's episode lack the typical Bachelor pizzazz? There were some dates, some snide remarks, and some tears, but overall not many points were awarded to the league. I blame Juan Pablo's sobriety for the lack of gasp-inducing moments.

The first date of the week went to Cassandra aka the last girl chosen for any team (except for Team Stuckey, holla! Side props to Eliz for this hilar and accurate prediction and to Emily for confirmation). She did her best to fool Juan Pablo into thinking she has a personality, but we saw right though that dead-eyes smile. Her "I haven't been on a first date since I was 18" line sure did the trick for Juan Pablo though, because Cassandra snagged herself a rose and will continue to bore us into the next episode.

Next up was this week's group date, which stunned the whole world by involving soccer.  Who would have expected Juan Pablo to take the girls to a soccer field? Oh, that's right...everyone.
Unfortunately, I don't have much to say about this date because I was too busy swooning over JP's body skills. All I remember is the satisfaction of seeing Sharleen hit in the face at least 3 times (#karma).

After the date activity, the group moved upstairs to the cocktail portion. Juan Pablo canoodled hardcore (meaning made out) with several of the girls, including Nikki, Andi, and Sharleen with the bruised face. When the rose moment came, all girls seemed shocked that JP had kissed multiple women (duh, he's dating 27 of you at once) and ultimately Nikki scored the group-date rose.

The third date of the week was a one-on-one with Chelsie. The pair ambled around Pasadena during the day, snacking on Venezuelan food, only to vomit (or want to vomit) it all back up bungee jumping off a bridge. Poor Chelsie was scared to death, but she cried her betch tears out and womaned-up to make the jump with Juan Pablo. Bonus Points: Chelsie compared the bungee jumping trip to their budding relationship, scoring her several points on the originality meter.

Instead of a cocktail party this week, Juan Pablo stole some plays from the Sean and Desiree playbooks by surprising the women early in the morning, and hosting a pool party instead of a cocktail party. A special nod goes to Renee for rocking the no-makeup, bed-head look, and a glare goes to Dog Lover for refusing to let America see her true demon self.

After a long day of sneaky make-outs, and glorious shirtless Juan Pablo shots, the night end with JP kicking out two women. Poor Hippie Lucy floated her way out the door (clothed, sadly) followed by Christy. At least Groupon can now regain it's Most Valuable Employee lol.

Somehow, by the grace of the ABC Producers, Dog Lover is STILL around. STILL. Don't worry though, JP fans, there are still plenty of roses and rejections to be handed out.

Week Three standings, in descending order. Roster updates can be viewed here.

64 points - MC's McSluts

62 points - Elizabeth's Slam Pieces
44 points - Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

38 points - J$'s Dime$

34 points - Cooney's Cunts

32 points - Shannon's Slutty Senoritas

32 points - Audrey's Fetch Betches

23 points - Julie's Jezebels

21 points - Corinne's Circle of Bitches 

18 points - Maggie's Maids of Mischief

Love and Roses,

Julie and Elizabeth

League Organizers

Por favor will you assept dis rose?