We open this week with one of the best toasts in Bachelor History, from none other than Chad himself.
"Beautiful girl, beautiful life, f*** you guys, Imma make her my wife." -Power move #1 by Chad
The first group date this week includes Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F, Wells, and Robby. Shot of Wells looking so hipster fly in that beanie. He's such an outlier in the house and I love it. A limo pulls up into the driveway of the mansion and immediately blows up. No visible PTSD from Luke or Alex so we can proceed. An intern calls 911 and within a few minutes a firetruck pulls up and JoJo hops out. She is FIRE in that fireman outfit, fulfilling every single one of these guys' fantasies in one little twirl. She puts out the fire and to be honest should also be hosing the guys down because they all look like they could use a cold shower at this point.
So obviously the theme of this date is firefighting. Grant the firefighter silently punches the air in victory because he does this every day. Wells the Radio DJ is quakin in his boots.
We pan back to the house for an exercise montage of Chad, who is almost certainly on roids. Chad packs his suitcases with 4 jugs of protein powder, straps it around his waist and starts doing pull-ups on the patio while the other guys sip their mimosas and watch from inside. He's literally out there just hanging from the rafters doing pull-ups. He's a hanging Chad.
Back to the date. They're at a fire academy to get firefighter training because JoJo needs to find her ICE protector. I fully, one hundred percent support this date activity. If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times -- pretty much the only physical attribute I care about in a man is whether or not he could carry me out of a burning building, should the situation arise.
The bar is low, guys. Step right up.
The men don their firefighter outfits and get to work.
Grant: "Can I clock in and get paid for this?"
Wells: "Wish I hadn't skipped leg/arm/back/chest day for the last 31 years bro."
They are so sweaty and sooty. Heart eyes emoji.
WELLS FTW NEEDING MEDICAL ATTENTION. The fire chief literally says, "let's have a medic look at him," earning Wells 5 beautiful points. The medic takes care of Wells' bruised body and JoJo takes care of Wells' bruised ego. The fires of jealousy flare among the dudes.
Final fire challenge between Grant, Luke and Wells. Poor guy, he's just trying not to die but still has to impress JoJo. Grant wins, obviously. He carries her out of the burning building and now I'm the one needing a cold shower.
Can we just talk about how charming Wells is?! Granted, he makes a living by charming the pants off people with his voice but damn he is good. Seriously his charisma is off the charts but somehow he still feels approachable. Ugh. He makes JoJo cry from laughing so hard and makes me cry because I'll be single forever. He has a bloodhound named Carl and JoJo agrees with me on the beanie thing. He gets the rose.
SURPRISE THREE CHILDREN FROM EVAN. 8 points.
Derek's date is next. He's a rich man's John Krasinski. Can't say no to those baby blues.
Choose your own adventure! They go to San Francisco and drink wine by the Golden Gate Bridge. It's a Bach Classic, but I'm pretty disappointed that they fly in a private jet and not a helicopter. I needed Derek to get those First Helicopter points, but no luck. We learn that Derek got cheated on in his last relationship, but we find out in the most vague, roundabout way.
Derek: "I wanted to get married but another person got involved."
JoJo: "Wait okay this happened to me too but I was the other woman. More deets pls."
Derek: "Thanks for the rose, boo."
Chad and Daniel form an alliance based on the fact that they're both assholes who wear women's racerback tank tops.
Chad: "If you were making a protein shake made up of the group of dudes here, and then, you know, blended it up...half of that dude protein shake would have zero chance." <-- Wrote this quote down last night and upon further reflection, this metaphor is completely inappropriate and disgusting and should be grounds for elimination. From life.
Second group date: Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T, Alex, Chad. Chase is real salty he's not included.
They do a series of dumb but hilarious challenges including touchdown victory dances, dizzy bat marriage proposals, and press conference interrogations. James Taylor sneaks in for a surprising win! He is such a secret gem. I'm into it.
At this point, we are not watching The Bachelorette any more. We are watching The Chad Show. He calls JoJo naggy during the challenge which sets off a firestorm of attacks from the other dudes. They think he's here for the wrong reasons but he thinks he's being honest about the progression of his relationship with JoJo. Chad's the type of guy who refuses to wear a costume to a costume party because he "doesn't care." Not attractive, dude.
Jury's still out because Chad is just saying what everyone in America is thinking -- there's no way any of them can be in love with JoJo already because it's only been 5 days. His suspension of disbelief is just not there which, for the purposes of the show, makes Chad an insta-villian. Can't wait to see how this unfolds.
Y'all, James Taylor is so endearing. Aside from the fact that his name is James Taylor, he is the Every Man. He loves family and food. "I'm not Abs McGee, JoJo. I'm a 6 on this show but I'm an 8 back home IRL and I have a good heart." I see you, James. You can stay. He gets the rose! This song goes out to all the average dudes out there.
Back to Chad for a sec. He keeps talking about being financially ready for marriage. Is he early-retired? Run for the hills, Joj. Also he has a tiny Maltese puppy which is hilariously unattractive and very surprising.
JoJo: "Oh I really don't see you having a littledong dog."
Chad's mom is dead. She died six months ago. Theeeeeeere it is. This all makes sense now. Six months is NOT a long time.
At the cocktail party, Chad pulls Power Move #2 of the week: stealing JoJo before she even walks in the door. The producers make all the guys sit on the same couch so they can realize together that Chad is missing.
Aggressive tie clip placement from Alex. He matched it to be the same height as all the other guys instead of in proportion to his own body.
Basically the rest of the episode is shots of Chad eating absurd amounts of meat, interspersed with the other dudes yelling at him for being abeef jerk mean jerk.
Chad: "You want some meat on a stick? It's delicious."
Alex: "Cool but srsly why'd you talk to JoJo first? You're abeef jerk mean jerk."
Chad: "I was outside to get some air. JoJo happened to approach as I was getting said air."
Chad's walking around with an appetizer plate of straight lunch meat. The guys cannot let this go and are judging him so hard. It's not like he's pounding shots, guys, he's eating dinner. HE SKIPPED HIS PROTEIN SHAKE FOR THIS.
"When you miss a meal and you look like that it's detrimental to your progress. At least that's what I've heard. From him. I wouldn't know."
"He would take an IV of meat if he could."
"Not sure if he's here for the free food or for JoJo."
"Chad has consumed enough tonight to feed a kindergarten classroom. Maybe even like fifth grade."
"He has taken the term meathead to a new, unparalleled level."
"He's not a gentleman, he's not a man, he just chews with his mouth open."
Eventually Alex goesfull Marine Bachelorette-tempered version of Marine on Chad, telling him to ease up on JoJo and the other guys. Chad threatens to knock his teeth out. Alex claims that Chad also put his hand on his face but it was dark and we couldn't see. Either way, they both earn those sweet sweet verbal altercation points. Frankly, threatening the man who kills people for a living was not the smartest move on Chad's part.
Rose ceremony, Chad is still eating. Is he stashing it in his jacket pockets? He reminds me of a guy I know who once stole two pieces of fried chicken from a party, wrapped them in napkins, and took them as roadie snacks for his journey home. That's definitely what Chad is doing.
Three people go home but I don't recognize any of them.
Christian earns gratuitous nakedness points right at the buzzer with his bathtub charade during the credits. A little weird, but okay.
This episode was a little much. SO many sentences of this post started with or included the name Chad. We're getting a LOT of Chad time, which makes me think they're setting him up to fail pretty quickly. Here's hoping, because he's not on my team but he's earning a ton of points.
Speaking of, points are up. Check your standings. We've got some folks taking an early lead, but I have a feeling the producers are going to shake things up soon.
Tune in next week for our first guest blogger of the season! Sam Fisher will be on hand to lend a witty comment or two. Aaaaaaand if you haven't already, you need to check out a fantastic Bachelor podcast by Roses to Riches' very own, Corinne Vittori and Rob Strodtman. It's called 40s + Shorties and as of a few days ago, they are available on ITUNES! So legit, guys. It's good. Go listen.
Love and Roses,
Elizabeth
League Commissioner
"Beautiful girl, beautiful life, f*** you guys, Imma make her my wife." -Power move #1 by Chad
The first group date this week includes Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F, Wells, and Robby. Shot of Wells looking so hipster fly in that beanie. He's such an outlier in the house and I love it. A limo pulls up into the driveway of the mansion and immediately blows up. No visible PTSD from Luke or Alex so we can proceed. An intern calls 911 and within a few minutes a firetruck pulls up and JoJo hops out. She is FIRE in that fireman outfit, fulfilling every single one of these guys' fantasies in one little twirl. She puts out the fire and to be honest should also be hosing the guys down because they all look like they could use a cold shower at this point.
 |
| ^ Bach Interns |
We pan back to the house for an exercise montage of Chad, who is almost certainly on roids. Chad packs his suitcases with 4 jugs of protein powder, straps it around his waist and starts doing pull-ups on the patio while the other guys sip their mimosas and watch from inside. He's literally out there just hanging from the rafters doing pull-ups. He's a hanging Chad.
Back to the date. They're at a fire academy to get firefighter training because JoJo needs to find her ICE protector. I fully, one hundred percent support this date activity. If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times -- pretty much the only physical attribute I care about in a man is whether or not he could carry me out of a burning building, should the situation arise.
The bar is low, guys. Step right up.
The men don their firefighter outfits and get to work.
Grant: "Can I clock in and get paid for this?"
Wells: "Wish I hadn't skipped leg/arm/back/chest day for the last 31 years bro."
They are so sweaty and sooty. Heart eyes emoji.
WELLS FTW NEEDING MEDICAL ATTENTION. The fire chief literally says, "let's have a medic look at him," earning Wells 5 beautiful points. The medic takes care of Wells' bruised body and JoJo takes care of Wells' bruised ego. The fires of jealousy flare among the dudes.
Final fire challenge between Grant, Luke and Wells. Poor guy, he's just trying not to die but still has to impress JoJo. Grant wins, obviously. He carries her out of the burning building and now I'm the one needing a cold shower.
Can we just talk about how charming Wells is?! Granted, he makes a living by charming the pants off people with his voice but damn he is good. Seriously his charisma is off the charts but somehow he still feels approachable. Ugh. He makes JoJo cry from laughing so hard and makes me cry because I'll be single forever. He has a bloodhound named Carl and JoJo agrees with me on the beanie thing. He gets the rose.
SURPRISE THREE CHILDREN FROM EVAN. 8 points.
Derek's date is next. He's a rich man's John Krasinski. Can't say no to those baby blues.
Choose your own adventure! They go to San Francisco and drink wine by the Golden Gate Bridge. It's a Bach Classic, but I'm pretty disappointed that they fly in a private jet and not a helicopter. I needed Derek to get those First Helicopter points, but no luck. We learn that Derek got cheated on in his last relationship, but we find out in the most vague, roundabout way.
Derek: "I wanted to get married but another person got involved."
JoJo: "Wait okay this happened to me too but I was the other woman. More deets pls."
Derek: "Thanks for the rose, boo."
Chad and Daniel form an alliance based on the fact that they're both assholes who wear women's racerback tank tops.
 |
| You would say that, Chad. |
Second group date: Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T, Alex, Chad. Chase is real salty he's not included.
They do a series of dumb but hilarious challenges including touchdown victory dances, dizzy bat marriage proposals, and press conference interrogations. James Taylor sneaks in for a surprising win! He is such a secret gem. I'm into it.
At this point, we are not watching The Bachelorette any more. We are watching The Chad Show. He calls JoJo naggy during the challenge which sets off a firestorm of attacks from the other dudes. They think he's here for the wrong reasons but he thinks he's being honest about the progression of his relationship with JoJo. Chad's the type of guy who refuses to wear a costume to a costume party because he "doesn't care." Not attractive, dude.
Jury's still out because Chad is just saying what everyone in America is thinking -- there's no way any of them can be in love with JoJo already because it's only been 5 days. His suspension of disbelief is just not there which, for the purposes of the show, makes Chad an insta-villian. Can't wait to see how this unfolds.
Y'all, James Taylor is so endearing. Aside from the fact that his name is James Taylor, he is the Every Man. He loves family and food. "I'm not Abs McGee, JoJo. I'm a 6 on this show but I'm an 8 back home IRL and I have a good heart." I see you, James. You can stay. He gets the rose! This song goes out to all the average dudes out there.
Back to Chad for a sec. He keeps talking about being financially ready for marriage. Is he early-retired? Run for the hills, Joj. Also he has a tiny Maltese puppy which is hilariously unattractive and very surprising.
JoJo: "Oh I really don't see you having a little
Chad's mom is dead. She died six months ago. Theeeeeeere it is. This all makes sense now. Six months is NOT a long time.
At the cocktail party, Chad pulls Power Move #2 of the week: stealing JoJo before she even walks in the door. The producers make all the guys sit on the same couch so they can realize together that Chad is missing.
Aggressive tie clip placement from Alex. He matched it to be the same height as all the other guys instead of in proportion to his own body.
Basically the rest of the episode is shots of Chad eating absurd amounts of meat, interspersed with the other dudes yelling at him for being a
Chad: "You want some meat on a stick? It's delicious."
Alex: "Cool but srsly why'd you talk to JoJo first? You're a
Chad: "I was outside to get some air. JoJo happened to approach as I was getting said air."
Chad's walking around with an appetizer plate of straight lunch meat. The guys cannot let this go and are judging him so hard. It's not like he's pounding shots, guys, he's eating dinner. HE SKIPPED HIS PROTEIN SHAKE FOR THIS.
 |
| Actual footage of Chad, kind of. |
"He would take an IV of meat if he could."
"Not sure if he's here for the free food or for JoJo."
"Chad has consumed enough tonight to feed a kindergarten classroom. Maybe even like fifth grade."
"He has taken the term meathead to a new, unparalleled level."
"He's not a gentleman, he's not a man, he just chews with his mouth open."
Eventually Alex goes
Rose ceremony, Chad is still eating. Is he stashing it in his jacket pockets? He reminds me of a guy I know who once stole two pieces of fried chicken from a party, wrapped them in napkins, and took them as roadie snacks for his journey home. That's definitely what Chad is doing.
Three people go home but I don't recognize any of them.
Christian earns gratuitous nakedness points right at the buzzer with his bathtub charade during the credits. A little weird, but okay.
This episode was a little much. SO many sentences of this post started with or included the name Chad. We're getting a LOT of Chad time, which makes me think they're setting him up to fail pretty quickly. Here's hoping, because he's not on my team but he's earning a ton of points.
Speaking of, points are up. Check your standings. We've got some folks taking an early lead, but I have a feeling the producers are going to shake things up soon.
Tune in next week for our first guest blogger of the season! Sam Fisher will be on hand to lend a witty comment or two. Aaaaaaand if you haven't already, you need to check out a fantastic Bachelor podcast by Roses to Riches' very own, Corinne Vittori and Rob Strodtman. It's called 40s + Shorties and as of a few days ago, they are available on ITUNES! So legit, guys. It's good. Go listen.
Love and Roses,
Elizabeth
League Commissioner
