JoJo Week One: Jordan's Buns and Roses

Welcome back to the greatest show on Earth!
(sorry, Ringling Bros., I'm stealing your line just for today)

Oh, Chris Harrison, how we missed you in our lives. It is so good to see you again. This reunion couldn't come soon enough because this season we have more than 100 anxious participants chomping at the bit to draft their man meat (I realize that sounds like an alarmingly painful blowjob). That's right: Roses to Riches has grown to a whopping 117 players, spanning coast to coast! We've come so far in three years; unlike most Bachelor relationships, we're still happily together.

A few Draft Night highlights. We had 16 pools drafting in more than 10 different cities. Our largest conference (Chicago) drafted at their sponsor bar, Gaslight Pub and Grill. Still shocked that they actually agreed to let 30 grown-ass men and women take over a crowded bar and get white-girl-wine-wasted while watching the Bachelorette on no fewer than 8 TVs.

Pic so you know it happened.

On to the recap:

I didn't take blog notes during the introductions because I was too busy taking drafting notes. Those notes were way more NOs and EWs than check marks, for the record. A few good men stood out, like Jordan, Christian and Luke. A few crazies emerged, like Daniel and James S. Below are a few selections from my drunken scribbles:

• Nick B came dressed as Santa Claus. Personally, I thought it was bold. Let's not forget that JoJo herself arrived wearing a terrifying unicorn mask last season. Hell, a girl once came out in a wedding dress and landed Top 2 - sometimes the costumes work.
• I don't think Chad blinked once all night. My notes just say "Robot?" He also described himself as "supple."
• Multiple penis references from various dudes, but surprisingly none from Evan.
• Evan might have some dead bodies under his floorboards. Someone please check on his past girlfriends.
• Jordan looks way less like the PERFECTION guy now than he did in his original picture.
• Derek is like a sappy, tan Jim Halpert.
• Maybe the guys can help Wells bulk up a little bit. In comparison, he looks like a little stick figure. Just a scrawny lil guy!
• JoJo's noticeable fallback for when she doesn't know what to say is to tell the guys how great they look. It's kind of sweet and clearly most of these guys are needing some ~*VaLiDaTiOn*~ because they are all nervous as hell. 

Before all of the guys are even out of their limos, shade begins to fly through the house. These dudes are judging each other hard for their introduction choices. The booze is flowing. This bodes very well for the rest of the season.

Who needs JoJo when you have whiskey?

INSERT 20 MINUTES OF STRESSFUL DRAFTING TIME. Was anyone else as panicked as I was during the draft? Reminded me of the last 5 minutes of a standardized test where you're trying to just blindly finish all the questions so you don't lose points so you end up answering C for all of them. I was really flustered trying to put together my team, so I've mentally blocked this out. Coley was left high and dry in my league, not making any teams. It was a good call, in hindsight. 

Now that all the men have arrived, the claws begin to come out. JoJo attempts to make the rounds, but gets stolen away almost immediately with every guy she talks to. More miscellaneous notes:

• Chad's a straight up jerk to the other guys, so I'm predicting he'll stick around and make a fabulous villain. 
• Daniel is too Canadian to function. It's his profession though so that's to be expected. He's our resident drunkard of the night, marked by a plethora of Eh? and the classic Bachelor strip-to-your-skivvies-and-jump-in-the-pool move. I fully expect him to do the Tim Hortons walk of shame at the end of the night.

Will you accept this rose, ey?

• Vinny is also very drunk. His eyelids decided to call it a night before the rest of his body.
• Ali demonstrates his piano skillz, earning a respectable 2 points. Also I'm pretty sure JoJo thinks his name is Ollie, based on the way she pronounces it. 
• Will folded up one of those little fortune teller things I used to make religiously in elementary school. It's a clever attempt to snag a kiss, but unfortunately it was a reluctant and awkward peck, and DOES NOT count for first kiss points. After a quick consultation with co-commissioner Eliz, the ruling is that the First Real Kiss must be consensual AND last at least 3 seconds. So. Those points go to...
• Jordan was all broody and cute, so he earned the First Real Kiss AND First Impression Rose. Those 20pts gave a lot of teams a first place boost.

Jordan makes us feel good too, big bro.

Overall, the theme of the night is booze and biceps. These guys are getting sloshed while trying to assert their alpha status. JoJo seems a little horrified, but also a little turned on by their antics.

Finally, our Lord and Savior shows up to put these guys out of their misery aka the Bachelor Rapture. He looks a little weary, meaning he's either tired or has just woken up from a first-night-nap. My whole watch party is convinced he sleeps in there upside-down like a vampire bat in a closet of the mansion.

Just prior to the ceremony, ABC tries to pull a fast one on all of us. Our old friend Jake Pavelka shows up! James S, Bachelor Superfan, recognizes him instantly and is in paralysis from seeing one of his idols. He instructs the other men on exactly the monster Jake P is.

Turns out Pavelka is NOT here to pull a Nick V. In a classic bait and switch, he's just here to wish JoJo good luck and NOT to jump her bones. This was a weird and completely unnecessary stunt. Looks like there will be plenty of drama to come, no need to manufacture something so superfluous on Night One. Oh well. No harm, no foul.

CYA JAKE P

The Rose Ceremony is pretty uneventful. We take a moment and say our goodbyes to Coley, Jake, Jonathan, Nick S, Peter and Sal. They all seem sad during their FULL SUNLIGHT NEXT MORNING INTERVIEWS. Seriously it's like 7am right now. How are they still standing and how does JoJo still look that good? I admire everyone's dedication to this cause.

And with that, JoJo's journey is officially underway! The teasers for this season are just that -- such a tease. We see bits and pieces of quite a few altercations and a potential surprise girlfriend! Yahoo!

There are so many people playing this season that we aren't able/willing to call out all the winners every week. Plus it's only week one so unless you have Jordan on your team you're just doing okay. Points are posted by pool though so can check your standings now! Trash talk among teams is highly encouraged. So are blog comments. Looking forward to a magical 10 weeks with you, everyone.

Love and Roses,

Julie and Elizabeth
(joint effort this week due to overwhelming Draft Night shenanigans)

PS: As promised, here are the photos submitted from Roses to Riches Draft Night setups around the country! #whitegirlsloveshoutouts

Mojo JoJo - Chicago

Columbus Pool. Subtle shrine to Chris Harrison.

Southern Lovin' Nashville Pool