Rachel Finale: I Cried My Eyelashes Off

Congratulations! We've made it to Week 10 of the ~*mOsT ~ dRaMaTic*~ season ever! It's been a wild and often annoying ride, but at least we now know who won some spare cash and bragging rights.

Because ABC no longer recognizes consistency as a positive quality, they've decided to change up the ATFR format. Is nothing sacred anymore? We're stuck listening to the mind-numbing interviews of Rachel and her exes mid-show as opposed to after. Thus, ABC is forcing us into three hours of television on a school work night.

...just in case my super salty attitude wasn't clear already.

The ep begins where last week left off; Rachel has been to the Fantasy Suite with Eric and is about to go for round two with Peter. However, in a fun show role reversal, Peter is questioning his relationship with Rachel. Turns out, he's a rational human being who feels uncomfortable giving expensive jewelry and commitments to someone he just met and probably has never seen without makeup. It's oddly reminiscent of Brooks from Desiree's season. Peter is so similar to Brooks in fact that league veteran Competitive Clare is swooning uncontrollably again.

"Can we just like date for a while."
"You signed up for this show to give me a ring. That's literally the whole point."
"I'm not proposing until I'm 100% sure you don't have student loan debt I'd be responsible for."

I'd demand a credit check and STD test prior to any Neil Lane visits. 

Rachel cries and basically begs him to propose to her. He's oddly turned on by her crying. Unrelated: isn't that one of the characteristics of a sociopath? Meanwhile, I'm oddly turned on by her voluminous and fabulous fake eyelashes.

The #drama is somewhat short lived, because they make up enough to bone stay in the Fantasy Suite.

Bryan's date is next and his Miami is really showing. They ride horses in a vineyard, which I guess is romantic and whatever. Is it just me, or is any activity that involves the stench of animal waste really unsexy? Anyway, either from the animal smell, or last night's romp with Peter, Rachel is a bit cranky. Not like noticeably cranky, but like would say "it's fine" if her bf said he was ditching date night for a football game. Bryan picks up on the delicate mood and adjusts his behavior accordingly. TAKE NOTES, ALL MY FUTURE BOYFRIENDS.

^Rachel's current mood^

The Fantasy Suite gets its third night of action, and we move on to the Week Nine rose ceremony. In a bold, possibly reckless move, Eric chooses to forgo a dress shirt and tie to just wear an undershirt beneath his suit jacket. Did he leave his only dress shirt in the Fantasy Suite and couldn't retrieve it because she was in there with one of her other boyfriends all week? This is now my focus for the next 10 minutes, until...

...ERIC GETS THE BOOT. I hope it wasn't his lack of dress shirt that did him in, but honestly I would understand. His exit interview, however, is the opposite of sloppy. He has the classiest, most heartbreaking limo interview we've seen in a while.

"I'm just going to miss her. I'm going to miss all that is her. I'm just so thankful to have experienced life with a person so beautiful as Rachel" < no, not a passage from a Nicholas Sparks book. Legit quote from Eric. In my imagination, all men say this when I break up with them.

During the ATFR interview, which we should probably now call the "Before, During, and/or After the Final Rose" Special Eric again shows us his maturity and I swoon. He spits some more of those Nora Roberts-esque lines. (Hey, Eric, call me maybe?)

"My heart was broken because I didn't have love, but [Rachel] filled my heart. I was a boy, but now I'm a man" THEN HE CALLED HER YOUNG LADY AND I DIED OF A SWOLLEN BROKEN HEART.

and I want an Eric.

Last dates week! The proposal(s) is in a matter of days, and Peter still needs a lot of convincing.

During his last sales pitch, Bryan gives her a homemade Spanish-English dictionary with a cheat sheet of cutesy, romantic words for Rachel. It's super presh and makes me almost like the guy for a second. Then I remember he's a chiropractor and go back to the salt.

"You should pick me because my mom might murder you otherwise."

Bryan is off to meet Neil Lane.

Instead of a last ditch sales pitch, Picky Proposer Peter tells her he's not about that engagement ring life...at least not until he knows her middle name. Maybe he has an elaborate flash mob proposal dream that he's worried will never happen? In any case, Rachel is crushed. He tries his best to explain and get her to come around, but neither is willing to compromise. Peter finally offers to just propose because she wants him to, which is not a reason any man should ever propose.

"I want you to WANT to propose"
"Yea, but I don't. Can we just pretend I do?"
"Commit the rest of your life and half your assets to me, and you won't be embarrassed on a Spanish mountainside tomorrow."
"No thanks. Check please."

We had high hopes for you, Peter. 

Rachel cries so much her amazing eyelashes disappear mid-scene.

I don't know what this gif is from, but its my new favorite.

Sooooo that's it. Peter pulls an unceremonious self-elimination, and Bryan wins by default. We don't even see the Bryan proposal until what feels like hours later, after the ex-couple's counseling session with Chris Harrison, Our Lord and Savior. Talk about an anticlimactic ending!! Do you know how much I look forward to seeing the loser's shoes come out of the proposal limo each year? You know, when the sun is nowhere near setting, but they're still oblivious that they've lost? I cherish that bi-annual schadenfreude and ABC stole it from me.

^Me

Eventually Bryan proposes on what looks like the windiest mountain in Europe. Rachel is giddy that she got her ring, but let's just say I don't have high hopes for their future.

As much as I've loved Rachel and her cocktail dresses this season, tonight really made me see her in a different light. I don't know if it was the editing or just the stress of the situation, but she really did seem like she wanted the fancy ring and the wedding more than the actual husband. Plus, she was condescending to Peter in their live interview. I felt bad for the guy, but he came out of this smelling pretty rose-like, so I'm sure his handsome salt and pepper hair will find a good home with some other nice lady. Maybe me? A girl can dream.

Keep on being you, Peter

That's all, folks! You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Check your final season points and settle up money/wine/smack talk. Best of luck on that post-finale hangover!

We've had a blast being your commissioners once again. If you're new to the league, or just have a lot of feelings, let us know how awesome we are. Next week starts Bach in Paradise, which we will not be blogging, but probably will be hate-watching, so feel free to send your feelings then too.

Lastly, Big shout out to Corinne and Audrey for proof reading and helping out this season! May the blessings of Chris Harrison rain down upon you.

Love and Roses,
Julie

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Rachel Week Nine: Fantasy Despasuitos

Hi there, Eliz here. Welcome to the highlight of your week. This ep begins with Rachel throwing us a curve rose. She wants the guys to meet her family before she has sex with all of them. What a novel idea! Good for you, Rachel. I APPLAUD YOUR CLEAR-EYED STRATEGY.

Alternatively, WWTTD? (What Would Tami Taylor Do?)

Rachel: "If you wanna be my lovah, you gotta get with my fam."
Guys: -______-

Peter's up first and they go baby clothes shopping for Rachel's preggo sister, Constance. Peter understands how children's clothing sizes work and wants to dress the kids in matching outfits. HELLO MARRIAGE MATERIAL PETER I AM READY FOR YOU!!!!!

We learn that Peter's parents got engaged after a month, which means that Peter is open to The Process. Not the best logic, but we'll let it slide. He says a lot of nice things about Rachel and the whole family falls in love with him.

Constance's husband asks Peter what Rachel's weaknesses are. It reminds me of the time I interviewed at Anthropologie as a 16-year-old.

Peter: "She loves customer service TOO much, she folds clothes TOO perfectly, she's TOO obsessed with accessorizing and layering."

Peter wins, done and done and done. This meet-the-family date has set the bar veeery high for all my future meet-the-family dates.

And those standards have now been raised by Peter.

Eric is next. He's so nervous it's making me nervous. He and Rachel have a pre-family huddle and it literally ends with "okay bring it in (for a kiss)." It's so friend-zoney and it makes me fear that Eric might not get a rose this week.

Despite the ENORMOUS HURDLE of never having been in love before, Eric wins over Constance with his earnestness and awkwardly asks Rachel's mom, Kathy, for Rachel's hand in marriage. Kathy basically says, "If that's what Rachel wants, then sure. Fine." We know this answer is code for, "I know that's not what Rachel wants, but I still have to respond in a kind and gracious manner."

When Bryan gets his turn, he and Rach wear their matching watches and it's gross. I know I was all in favor of matching baby clothes, but matching watches is too much. Do less, Bryan.

You're on the slippery slope to matching GRACE tattoos, Bryan.

They go to brunch with Rachel's girlfriends, where Rachel confesses that her first impression of Bryan was that he was a douchebag. Rachel!!! You have good instincts! LISTEN TO THEM.

Bryan learns that Rachel's uncle is a doctor. He makes a mental note not to refer to himself as a physician, as he had been doing previously. Related: for a chiropractor, he has remarkably slouchy posture.

Take a cue from the Queen, Bry.

Ugh, they start talking and Bryan immediately launches into his schmoozy spiel about how amazing he thinks he is. Kathy slams the brakes on this soliloquy by asking whose side Bryan would take in a dispute between his hypothetical wife and his mommy dearest. After some serious deliberation, Bryan reluctantly chooses wife. Rachel is "low key annoyed" at her family for pointing out how awful Bryan probably is.

Kathy: "I asked the hard questions and Rachel didn't like it but THAT'S WHAT SHE SIGNED UP FOR!"

Kathy ^

This is so uncomfy to watch. The fam is grilling Bryan and he's getting burned to a crisp. In an unprecedented move, he excuses himself from the table mid-convo. Rachel's nostrils are flared wide open so you know this shit is real.

In a separate convo, Constance's husband refers to Bryan as "this individual" which really shows how much they care about him. Bryan's date ends pretty unceremoniously. He gets the same "sure, fine" answer from Kathy re: marriage.

Time for Fantasy Suites but jeeeeeez, it feels like we've been watching this for like 3 hours already. We don't usually get three family dates and I'm exhausted.

Vamos a España.

Eric's date is first. They fly in a helicopter. He looks v attractive. Especially in that pea coat?!?! DAMN SON. Real talk, I LOVE a man in a pea coat. It shows a mature and stylish approach to the very practical matter of dressing for cold weather. Like, what am I even supposed to do with a dude who throws on a couple hoodies and a rain coat when the temps dip below freezing? I can't take that guy to my work Christmas party. I can't even take that guy to Trader Joe's. But a man with a pea coat is a man with foresight and dignity and class. And with the collar flipped up? I meannnnnnnnn. Game over.

They bone (or so we are led to assume). I really like Eric but I don't think he's the one for her. Sad face.

Next, Peter and Rachel go to a winery. After lots of hemming and hawing Peter says he might not be ready to get engaged. Rachel says he better be READY AF to get engaged, or else.

Rachel: "I didn't come this far to not get that Neil Lane rock on Friday."

How Rachel feels about getting engaged.

How Peter feels about getting engaged.

We don't get to see if Peter and Rachel bone because ABC is a mean jerk. We won't know for sure until two weeks from now, after we get through the garbage ep that is Men Tell All. Per usual, we'll pretend MTA doesn't exist - it does not count for any league points and there will be no blog post. Save yourself the misery and do something productive with those two hours. Report back with the amazing things you accomplish!

This week was a pretty low-scoring ep, but check your standings and then leave me some love in the comments. I need it.

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth

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Rachel Week Seven: I Like Black

This week we have a guest blogger, and I couldn't be more pleased. Audrey is a Roses to Riches OG and current captain of the Chicago Suburbs Pool: We're Not That Historic. Check out her delightful writing below and leave some love in the comment section.




I am both thrilled and honored to go down in the books as an official Roses to Riches^TM guest blogger. And I am thanking Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison that we have a regular episode this week and not a TWO-PART TWO-NIGHT EPIC BACHELORETTE EVENT. (Although I would love to have read the sassy letter that our fabulous Commissioners would have sent to ABC.)

We open on the beautiful Geneva landscape, and the pressure of The Process is growing by the minute. This is the last week before hometowns, so we will be down to our Final Four by the end of the night, and Rachel remarks that she is having feelings. It’s go-time, folks.

The men arrive at their new Geneva digs, and Eric declares that he is “feelin’” Rachel. I would comment on the rest of the opening chit-chat from the guys, but there was a local thunderstorm warning in the corner of my TV, so I couldn’t see the title cards for the first 5 minutes of the ep and had totally forgotten what Adam and Matt’s names were. That’s my bad.

Rachel invites Bryan on a one-on-one date in front of all the other guys. Awk. Adam is salty that he isn’t getting “his time,” but I’m distracted by how oddly disheveled/tired he looks in every single talking head shot this season. (See that? My film degree is finally useful!)

Rachel and Bryan hop into a Bentley, which I appreciate because I know how cheap plane tickets to Europe have been lately and the producers have been skimping on the travel budget.

Rachel: This is Switzerland so we have to go to the watch store.

Bryan: I like black

Rachel: Lolz clearly you do wink wink. *buys him the watch because that’s how she rolls*

Thrilled with their new purchases, they make out while the shopkeeper watches them. (Heh. Get it? I’ll show myself out.) And if that wasn’t awkward romantic enough for you, they make out on a boat as well, woo!

At "dinner" they discuss normal human things like where they went to school, but Bryan kind of makes it weird by asking Rachel if she went to an all-girl’s school and about her school uniform. He also thinks that Rachel would get along with his family, but shares that his last serious relationship ended because of his mother. Can you spot the red flag?

Bryan gets the rose, but I am def concerned for Rach if she ends up with him and his mom is a nightmare. They make out excessively to a lovely violin serenade. It is way too much tongue making out, but this date is classy AF and I dig it.

Meanwhile, the salty guys back at the hotel are still salty. Even Peter is mad that Bryan got another date. You are the frontrunner, Peter, stfu. The date card arrives, and Dean is up. His voice says he’s excited, but his face says the opposite – he’s worried about bringing Rachel home because his relationship with his family isn’t the best. *foreshadowing*

It’s Dean time! Rachel is rocking a beautiful blue coat, and they go to Catholic Mass in French. This is lovely and I approve 100% of all church-going activities, but if you’ve never been to a Mass before, another language is gonna be the MOST confusing.

They have coffee and pastries afterward and talk to a married couple and it’s totes adorbs. I love the rainy, romantic vibe of this date, and props to Rachel for dancing in those stilettos on cobblestones – I would’ve immediately bitten it.

Things get a little awkward when Rachel wants Dean to talk about the added pressure of The Process and how he feels, but he dodges her questions and giggles like a cartoon character. He finally shares that his father wasn’t there for him and has “become more eccentric” since his mother passed away. He doesn’t want Rachel to judge him on his family, which is a difficult adult convo to have, so I have to give Dean credit. Families are tough sometimes, yo.

Having met the “opening up” criterion of one-on-one dates, Rach gives him the rose. Dean is very sweet and funny, but he’s also young and still has some stuff to work through. Also, she made out with him wayyyy less than with Bryan. Just sayin’.

Rachel notes that as The Process progresses, things are only going to get harder and harder and she’s going to go deeper and deeper with the guys. Am I immature or does Rachel need to stop phrasing things that way? #fantasysuites

Helicopter time with Peter! They arrive at an amaze-balls glacier, jump into a dogsled, and “mush.” The glacial landscape is gorgeous, but jeez Louise it looks cold and miserable. Have you ever tried to be cute on date when you’re bundled to the gods and your nose is running down your face? Not adorable.

While sitting in the snow, Peter, like a normal human being, voices doubts about The Process but says that his connection to Rachel gets him through the “dark days.” His Wisconsin accent also comes through a bit here – must be the Midwestern-esque climate making him feel at home – which makes me giggle until I remember that I have the same accent. #ohheyder

Cut to dinner, where Peter has ice in his wine, which is fundamentally offensive to me. Unless it’s actually a brandy old-fashioned in a wine glass (Wisconsin friends, holla @ me).

My husband clearly has a man crush on Peter: “His voice is just so…low and grizzly…”

Me:

In his low grizzly man voice, Peter tells the story of how his last relationship ended, and it gets pretty emotional. I love it when a man cries about his ex during a date...said no woman ever. Peter’s honesty “scares” Rachel – she worries he won’t be ready to get down on one knee at the end of The Process AKA he will act like a normal human being in a normal human relationship.

Side note: C’mon ABC – this fake-out editing is getting a little ridiculous. We didn’t believe for a second that Rachel was the one with “tears streaming down her face.” #eyeroll

Peter wants to know if Rachel has any questions or concerns, and she just really really likes him. He says he’s “definitely along that path” in reference to the word “love.” Slow. Clap.

He gets the rose for “going deeper” and they make out on the balcony. I predict that he’s going to keep her at arms’ length as long as he can. He’s like that hot bartender that you’re really into because he’s hot but he’s def not gonna text you back and will probably hit on your friends.

Meanwhile, the next date card shows up and Dean reads it in a grave voice: “Tomorrow will be difficult. That’s all I have to say.” Adam “does not like" the word "difficult" and has “not lived by that word his entire life.” #privilege

The remaining men head off to the group date – Adam is very confident that he already has the hometown date in the bag. I, and the rest of America, are not.

Rachel: This date will be difficult, but we’re going to France on a boat!

Men: Feigned enthusiasm, not 100% sure how it’s possible to get to France from Geneva?

At the French chateau with the awkward Devil’s Foursome, Adam starts yammering again about how he doesn’t like the word “difficult.” He says things can be “challenging” but not “difficult.” He is “challenging” my last nerve. These episodes are two hours long, bro – I am not interested in your weird preoccupation with semantics.

Eric says he can see how hard Rachel works and smooth-talks her into a kiss. I’m not sure she’s into it. Matt has a conversation about The Process with Rachel, and she starts crying, so we know immediately that Matt is going home. Matt is the real MVP of the episode for asking if he can take his champagne with him in the reject SUV. You have your priorities straight, my friend.

The rest of the night is quite awkward as a two-on-one. Adam is really excited. Rachel less so. Is Adam Italian? Or Greek? I feel like he’s Italian or Greek. Either way, he gets the axe.

Eric shares some of his backstory and tells Rachel that he needs someone who will be there for him – and that he’s 29 and has never brought a girl home to his family. But he gets the rose, hurrah! Rachel tearfully tells Eric that she’s excited to meet his family. End scene.

Next week, we’re heading to hometowns, then Spain! And that’s a dope shot of Rachel in a vineyard. Can I get some of that for my Insta?

MUCH DRAMA TO COME, FRIENDS. It’s been a pleasure blogging for you all!

Peace, love and roses,
Audrey

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Rachel Week Five & Six: He's Reptileean. He's a Leezard

I'll do my best to keep it brief because ABC has stolen too much time from us already. This two-night-event business is hard on those of us with jobs and social lives, which I have a feeling is not the majority of the fanbase. Thus, we're combining the two eps into one post. Please refer any questions/concerns to your favorite commissioner.

We start Monday night back in Week Four, in the middle of the Hilton Head group date, and Kenny and Lee are back in the middle of their little quarrel. Kenny does his best to stay as calm as possible and it's kind of impressive considering Lee is truly being a piece of shit. Nothing about his personality is attractive.

Will's commentary on the fight discussion is lovely. He's sitting inside evaluating the intensity of Kenny and Lee's pointing. Ultimately, nothing really comes of it all and Bryan gets the group date rose.

Next up is a one-on-one with Jack Stone. Is it possible his teeth got MORE white? He's seriously rocking some #ffffff (heh, nerd joke.)

Real footage of Jack, filmed 1 year ago.

The date is awkward from the start. We've seen this same situation before. He thinks he's killin' it while she's just not that into him. I usually hate the word "chemistry" in this context, but there is about as much chemistry as I demonstrated on the AP Chem test: 0/5.

At "dinner" Jack starts gushing about how into Rachel he is, but he's getting ZERO reciprocation. How do guys not notice when a girl is just NOT feeling it? She's nodding and like half-smiling, but he keeeeeeeps talking and staring at her like he's going to harvest her organs. Jack does not get the date rose and is unceremoniously eliminated.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch hotel, Will finally points out the racist elephant on the set and explains to Lee how offensive calling black men "aggressive" can be. Lee feigns ignorance and continues to be a d-bag. He accuses Kenny of using "the race card" which makes my white skin tingle with shame. Maybe he thinks being the villain will give him Chad-like fame post-show, but Lee's gone too far and no one is going to be interested in the racist southerner who pretended to like a black girl to get on TV. 

Rachel cancels the cocktail party and dives straight into the Rose Ceremony. Her dress is fabulous, so it's a little sad she's wasting it on a short night. That said, I appreciate her efforts to move things along.

The look on her face throughout the entire ceremony is "I'm over this shit." I don't blame her, especially knowing from the previews that the producers are making her keep Lee. Iggy and Tickle Monster get the boot.

Get a real job, Jonathan.

Iggy gives us some exit tears and makes his way to the limo. Tickle Monster gives Rachel one final tickle. So. Gross.

Points at the end of Week Four, for those keeping score at home.

ON TO WEEK 5

Our cast travels from South Carolina to Norway. Although, I highly doubt there's a direct flight from Hilton Head to Oslo. The layovers must have sucked.

I assume Will forgot his razor, because he's grown a Week Five 'stache. Will it help or hurt? 

First international one-on-one is with Bryan. They wander around Oslo then go up a former Olympic ski jump only to rappel down. He kisses her mid-rappel like A PRO. He's smooth, confident, and as Rachel puts it, too good to be true.

Maybe Bryan has a tail or something.

During "dinner" Bryan makes a bold, high-points move by telling Rachel he's "falling in love" with her. My prediction: this guy makes Top 2 but doesn't win. Calling it now.

The next group date is handball, which I know is crazy popular in Norway because our high school Norwegian exchange student told me so. 

Josiah wins joke of the night with a Donald Trump tiny hands dig. He went up a few points in my book, but it's too bad the comment didn't earn any points.

This joke will never die, and I'm ok with that.

Peter spends the whole game getting handsy (his joke, not mine) and flirting with Rachel. PSA FUTURE CONTESTANTS: This is what you're supposed to do on the athletic dates! It's not about winning or even playing; it's about showing you're not an asshole or distracted in competitive environments.

Somewhere in there we cut back to Kenny in the hotel Facetiming with his adorable daughter. He starts crying and it almost makes my dark soul feel emotion. Almost. You can tell he's a good dad.

Back on the date, each guy is doing well and being charming...until Josiah. He tries to be a smooth talker but Rachel sees right through it. It's like he's reading off a script and she astutely points out that he never asks about her. REDDEST OF FLAGS. Hope he has his bags packed.

We all know this type of fuckboy.

Peter lucks out with some hot tub time and the two of them look pretty darn smitten with one another. Rachel then gives the group rose to Will, which pulls the rug out from under Peter. She's keeping him on his toes.

Next, our long-awaited two-on-one provides both Lee and Kenny with First Helicopter Ride points.

Can they rename these dates to something like Enemy Battle or Face Off? Because it's always the two contestants that hate each other the most.

There's a bunch of whining. Kenny continues to accurately call Lee a snake, so ABC tosses in some extra b-roll of a snake from some other season, because there's no way they happened to come up on that snake in Norway. Probably leftover from that Badlands trip a few years back.

Hurry up and slither out of this show, Lee.

Lee is like textbook Bach franchise villain. He's giving zero attention to his relationship with Rachel and is 100% focused on shit talking Kenny.

BREAK FOR A 22 HOUR RECESS

On Tuesday, more bickering and he-said, he-said. Lee straight up lies a few times. Kenny loses his cool and probably makes the record for most censored words in a single scene.

All in all, Rachel dumps Lee and doesn't immediately give Kenny a rose, but does ask him to spend the evening with her. They're almost out of there, but Kenny just has to go back and yell at Lee some more, which Rachel is not at all fond of. Dude, just let. it. go.

My favorite moment of two-on-ones: the removal of Lee's luggage.

Finally.

Later on that night Kenny gets a rose. She's super direct and calls him out on how he annoyed her earlier, but I guess she's still optimistic.

Kenny again calls his daughter and again cries on the phone. It's so precious and makes me sad for when Rachel eventually dumps him.

Rose ceremony is 25 minutes into the ep, which makes me optimistic that we'll get back on formula track with another rose ceremony tonight. No cocktail party again (thanks, girl!).

Josiah's ego is out of control, which makes it extra satisfying when he gets the boot along with Anthony. Neither provides any exit tears, but Josiah does spend a minute too long ranting and calling Alex a KGB agent. Let's move on, shall we?

Maybe this rejection will be good for Josiah.

Anyone with Kenny and/or Lee really raked in the points tonight. Sorry for the rest of us.

Point totals for Week Five of filming The Journey

Week Six takes us to Denmark. Eric gets the first one-on-one and starts strong. They spend a lot of time laughing, which is refreshing.

I'm quite bothered by their constant use of "copen" as a verb for the sake of the Copenhagen pun. Is it supposed to be "coping"? Because that doesn't work in this context. You don't cope to love. Is this some new-fangled slang the kids are saying these days?

*UPDATE: After publishing, several people pointed out that "copen" was a pun on "open" and I'm just super dense.

Apparently, downtown Copenhagen has hot tubs with naked Danish men in them. Eric earns some Hot Tub Points and continues to charm Rachel.

The only hot tub I want to be in.

During "dinner" Eric calls out his mom for not loving him enough. Yikes--hometowns could get awkward.

Eric gets a rose.

Group date is Viking themed and the guys are so into it, especially with the costumes. Alex feels like he's totally in his element. I've written this before, but being OK with costumes is a boyfriend requirement of mine. Not in a gross sex way, but in a "don't be a buzz kill at the costume party" kind of way.

The Viking fighting instructors are goofy and intriguing. Can they stick around, Jorge-in-Paradise style??

The group plays some violent games that culminate in Adam and Kenny battling it out with swords and shields. It gets a little too violent and both guys require medical attention for cuts to the face. Yes, this is the Kenny-bleeding scene ABC tried to fake us out with in previews. The cut was from a friendly fight with Adam, and not a snake bite from Lee. *Cue some strong eyerolls*

Kenny wins the Viking games

Post-fight Kenny starts getting in his head and second guessing his relationship with Rachel. He basically says "cut me, unless you're sure you're going to pick me in the end" so she lets him go. It was a sweet and mutual goodbye. He chose his daughter over Rachel and Rachel appreciates that.

"If my daughter grows up to be like Rachel, I'll know I've done my job." Guys, I might cry.

Stop making me feel things.

Peter gets the group date rose because Peter is end game.

Will goes on the final one-on-one of the week. We're almost there, guys. Bear with me a few more paragraphs.

They hop the border over to Sweden for another passport stamp. They happen upon a planted unsuspecting Swedish couple who gives them advice in broken English. Will's pretty adorable, but something is missing. There are some awkward silences and Will is not the most assertive with the affection. Performance anxiety, maybe? Or maybe he's just choking because his pullover is zipped all the way up to his chin.

Last chance, Will.

At "dinner" he tells her that he has mostly dated white girls, which is his second set of Race Relations points for the week. He also says he's super physical in relationships, which confuses Rachel because he wasn't at all physical with her. Will is Unceremoniously Eliminated due to lack of passion.

We skip another cocktail party (praise Chris Harrison) and get back to the show formula with a rose ceremony closing out the night. Rachel is wearing a gorgeous gown, as always.

For some reason I cannot fathom, she cuts hot Russian Alex and keeps Matt (who even is that?) and Adam (have they ever spoken?) I would have kept him for fantasy suites purposes alone.

Someone give Alex my number.

AND THAT'S ALL, FOLKS. We've made it out the other side of this two-night time suck. Check your points. Many teams are now out of contestants, so check and see if someone won the wine in your pool (cough, Maddie G, cough.)

Week Six totals

Love, Exhaustion and Roses
Julie

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