JoJo Week Seven: Remember When Gaucho Pants Were A Thing?

Hey, y'all.

Eliz here, comin' at ya this week from the great state of Tennessee. I attended my very first Nashville Conference watch party last night, which was just delightful, though I missed my Chicago crew immensely. Shoutout to Nashville Conference manager Emily for hosting. You might remember Emily from her guest blog last season. She's been with RtR since our infant days and has built up a strong following down South. We love her for it.

The gals in Emily's living room are full of southern sass and I feel right at home. Let's get started.

My kind of people.

We open with Alex reminiscing about getting that sad sad pity rose last week. Somehow, though, he feels on top of the world. Calm down, buddy. That's just the view from your step stool. Here is a poem I wrote for Alex (does not count for artistry as flattery points).

Roses are red.

Your balls are blue.

Chad went home. 

Now it's your turn.

This week we're going to have three 1x1 dates and one group date, aka 3x1. Rose up for grabs on the 3x1 date, but not the others.

Alex gets the first 1x1, because JoJo was tired of hearing him whine. Their date consists of a mostly silent road trip to their next destination, interspersed with rounds of thumb wars. At one point JoJo literally groans in misery. Not a good sign for Alex. In real life, if your girlfriend is audibly yearning to escape the car you're trapped in, you probably aren't going to end up marrying her. Just saying.

They arrive at an authentic Argentinian ranch where they meet authentic Argentinian gauchos. Okay actually that old one is probably a legit gaucho because he's all gray and haggard and can't speak a word of English. The one with the terrible accent and waxed mustache though...my eyes cannot roll back far enough in my head. On top of it all, his name is Oscar. Oscar the Gaucho.

JoJo and Alex don highly offensive authentic gaucho costumes and ride horses around the ranch. Alex's tiny legs are sticking straight out from the horse like a 5-year-old riding her birthday party pony.

They definitely had to make some aggressive adjustments to Alex's stirrups.

JoJo: "My date with Alex makes me think of a relationship I want to be in with someone else."

While Alex is on his pity date, the rest of the guys follow the caravan in a school bus. To entertain themselves, they drink 40s and sing camp songs rap about JoJo. Chase actually gets props for pulling out some legit beat boxing. Meanwhile, an intern gets fired for being horrible at writing raps on the fly.

They make a pit stop to eat some delicious looking street food and immediately start complaining about it like a bunch of pansy princesses. Honestly this is probably the best food you've eaten on this trip so please be quiet. In this moment I hate all of you.

Send some of that BBQ my way.

Back at the ranch (literally), the gaucho and his lover horse do a demonstration of tantric yoga in a very unnerving series of poses. After rolling in the grass for a bit, the horse is dead chilling on the ground and Alex and JoJo approach it to rest their heads on its neck and make out. One hundred percent, ABC hired a contract sniper to tranq that horse from a distance so this activity could play out safely. Really though, the horse doesn't look like it's breathing at all. V concerned about its welfare.

Alex tells JoJo that he's falling in love with her and she looks confused. Also like she's going to throw up.

Alex: "I love you."
JoJo: "You realize I'm not Chad, right?"

JoJo sends Alex home unceremoniously, to the tune of Randy Newman's "Short People." (CLICK THIS LINK). Praise Chris Harrison.

Jordan gets the second 1x1. He does Aaron's touchdown dance that he's been practicing in the mirror for years. Never got to do it on the field though. Bummer dude.

JoJo and JoRo fly on a private jet to Mendoza. When they arrive, they are driven in an Audi limo to spend the day at a winery. This date brought to you by the Argentinian drug cartels. #budgetcuts

JoJo: "I'm finally at the point where I'm trying to figure out if I could marry one of these guys. Tbh I've been in constant hangover recovery mode until now."

They stomp grapes together and JoJo rubs it on JoRo's legs. Then they drink it. THEY DRINK IT. THEY DRINK THE FOOT JUICE. They drink the brown, dirty, leg hair foot juice and all of America collectively vomits.

No caption necessary.

Side note: we see JoRo feed JoJo one of these grapes (pre-stomping). I don't know much about wine, but I do know two things: 1) I like to drink it. 2) Wine grapes are different from table grapes and you're not supposed to eat them.

This can only mean one thing. THE GRAPE STOMPING WAS STAGED. *~gAsP!~*

Shoutout to Emily from Chicago for confirming my suspicions.

Anyway. Moving on. They're at dinner talking about nothing until JoJo finally brings up the elephant in the room.

JoJo: "If I give you a hometown will I get to meet Aaron Rodgers?"
JoRo: "Yeah, about that....." *turns on Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)*

We learn that Jordan and his famous brother do not have the most stellar relationship. They haven't talked in years, and Jordan waxes poetic for a while about fame and love and family. JoJo eats it right up like that kid in Heavyweights when he discovers a stash of contraband candy bars. This appears to be everything JoJo needed to hear in order to solidify Jordan's rightful place in the top 2. No rose on this date but --spoiler alert -- Jordan gets the rose.

Time for the group date. We see James Taylor doing his affirmations in the mirror.

Apparently their fun outdoor activity was rained out so they stay in JoJo's hotel and get sloppy drunk, play games, and eat junk food. Normally I'm all for a good indoor game day but come on, producers. This is the best you've got for rainy day backup plans? Don't you have a museum buyout on reserve? I expect more from you. Clearly the budget is dwindling, and fast.

They're all completely hammed in this hotel room.

Exhibit A // JoJo dares Robby to strip down and run through the halls in his underwear. He obliges, and pretends to be embarrassed while simultaneously flexing every muscle at once.

Exhibit B // James, on party activities: "I'm gonna turn this into what I need this to be, which is an eating contest."

Exhibit C // Robby, on his emotions during The Process: "There's hard times but I pull it out. I'm good." ?????

Exhibit D // Chase, on his emotions of love: "I definitely have emotions of love with JoJo."

Exhibit E // Robby, talking about his past like it's an accidental boner: "I didn't want this fork in the road to come up but it's up and now I have to deal with it."

We learn that James Taylor's dad is also named James Taylor. I'm willing to bet that every man in that family is named James Taylor. They're an entire underground clan of James Taylors and they definitely have formed a James Taylor impersonator group/cover band.

Never thought I'd write James Taylor that many times in one paragraph.

JoJo leaves to fix her post-drunk makeup (I feel that) and sober up with some coffee. The guys sit around and talk a bunch of macho bullshit about who's the front runner. Drunk Robby tries really hard to articulate that he's only focusing on his own relationship with JoJo, so in his mind he's the only front runner. It would make perfect sense if they were all sober, but Drunk James and Drunk Chase hear it as I'M BEATING YOU AND YOU'RE GONNA LOSE HAHAHAHA.

Robby gets the rose. One last thing about Robby. During the date we learn some alarming details about his previous girlfriend. Apparently over the course of 3.5 years, he only met her mom one time and never ever went to her house. Not once. Then they "broke up" because he figured out he was getting catfished.

Manti can relate, Robby.

Luke gets the last 1x1 date. They ride horses, because, Argentina?

The Nashville Conference is at odds about the hotness of Luke. Hot or not? As commissioner, I'm laying down an official ruling. HOT. That drawl, those cowboy bow legs, his dead eyes hardened, war vet, somber eyes...

They go skeet shooting. Luke is amazing at it because he is amazing at everything. He coaches JoJo on how to shoot and I would give anything to be JoJo in this moment. She hits the skeet! Either Luke is a damn good instructor (very likely), or ABC's got that sniper from the horse date on retainer now (also very likely).

But maybe not, because again, #budgetcuts

Elimination time. All five of the remaining guys cram into one horse drawn carriage to ride to the rose ceremony. The two youngest siblings have to double-buckle so that three of them can fit on one side.

ABC is really leaning hard into this gaucho/rancher theme. Saddle decor, patterned blankets and horse buckles EVERYWHERE.

Luke, Jordan and Chase get roses, surprising no one. Cue "You've Got a Friend" by James Taylor (the real James Taylor).

JoJo says a tearful goodbye to James T. And by tearful I mean JoJo's entire face is wet. Get it together, girl. James will be fine. Honestly, he's probably the only person in Bachelor History who will come away from The Bachelorette more dateable than he was before the show. Women are going to be lining up to date him now and I'll be waiting patiently at the front of it.

Next week is hometowns! Looks like we've got a lot to look forward to: more Robby girlfriend drama, Luke in his natural ranch habitat, Chase's equally stone-faced family, and the ugly Rodgers brother. CAN'T. WAIT.

Now that we're down to the last few guys, they've toned down their stupid antics and point tallies are low. Check your standings though, it's a tight race in most pools.

Also, in case you're craving even MORE Bachelorette media, check out this fantastic podcast by 40s + Shorties. It's run by Roses to Riches' two most dedicated players Corinne Vittori and Rob Strodtman. I was a guest on their most recent episode so give them a listen! They're on SoundCloud and iTunes. Worth your time, I promise.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth
League Commissioner

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JoJo Week Six: Bésame, Jo-chacho

Happy Tuesday, Bachies.

This week's episode takes place in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Immediately we see Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior, reassuring us that he does get to make the full trip and not just show up for rose night. I wonder what his frequent flier miles look like. He's got to have hoes in different country codes. This man is living the dream.

Robby thinks they're in the "city of love." Wrong continent, bro.

First date of the week is a one-on-one with Wells. He's looking a lot better this week. Last week the bags under his eyes were reminiscent of characters in Trainspotting. I was worried for his wellsfare. Heh, see what I did there?

Now I'm worried about him in other ways because he tells the rest of the guys that he has not yet kissed JoJo. That's right--he made it past week two but hasn't locked lips with our leading lady. Not only is he a late bloomer, but he feels the need to tell ALL of his competition that he's in last place. He's shaking like a leaf from nerves when he leaves for the date.

They do some casual shopping that ABC shoots with their Friend Zone filter so we can all see where this is going. (Friend Zone filter is a real thing I just made up. Check ALL of my Instagram posts featuring males. Trust me.) Next they do this weird performance art, Cirque du Soleil-type thing that involves flopping around on a suspended pool. It's as if someone tripped and fell onto a pool cover and are trying to escape the standing water. Bizarre. If that were me, this would be much more Butter Dance, but it’s JoJo so it's cute. Speaking of cute, Wells is straight up precious throughout the whole date. During every talking head you can almost hear America say "bless your heart" in the background. They finally kiss and both cheer because they finally kiss. He uses the phrase “I have a tingle in my heart."

Do yourself a favor. Watch the Butter Dance at full volume.

He’s super eloquent at their “dinner” and says everything I’ve ever wanted a boy to say to me. I love him. I want to feed him a cheeseburger, but I love him.

Sadly, JoJo does not. She thinks he’s too skeptical to be with FOR-EV-VER and does not give him the rose. Poor guy can bring his angst over to my place and we’ll listen to emo music together. Bye, Wells.

Peace out, Wells. You will be sorely missed. As will your medical attention points.

Next up is a group date with Robby, Luke, Alex, Jordan, and James Taylor. James is having self esteem issues all day because the other guys are all attractive, athletic and asshole-y. His artistic soul and fluffy midriff feel out of place. In a plot twist, he makes a penalty soccer kick and gets to kiss her while all those Abercrombie models look on. Good on you, James T. Way to win one for sweethearts everywhere.

Later in the evening, Luke is being all sexy 'n’ stuff to solidify his frontrunner status. His makeout sesh with JoJo is as hot and steamy as New Orleans’ weather was this weekend (HA, regional joke.)

James T decides to kamikaze himself and spend his precious private time attacking Jordan instead of working on his own relationship status. He starts pouting over some rule dispute in a poker game, and that dispute is going to get him booted off this journey. Always does. Until now, I had been a fan of James T, but right now he sounds like some of the dudes I used to play intramurals with: "Nuh uh, ref, that was TOTALLY out of bounds. This is bullshit!"

You should know better, James T.

In classic JoJo fashion, she immediately tells Jordan that James T double-crossed him. If they both stay tonight, James T is getting smothered with hair mousse in his sleep. C’mon, Jo, couldn’t you just be vague? You can see the revenge wheels turning in Jordan's eyes as he does his best to explain the spat. I used to babysit a couple of boys who had this exact same argument once, minus the girl. They were eight.

Luke gets the group date rose.

Because ABC loves us, we get a second two-on-one date this season! First in franchise history. The lucky participants are Chase and Derek. Both of them are completely, totally 100% confident that they will be the one returning. What’s Spanish for presumptuous?

It takes three to tango in this date, but not these three because they’re all pretty bad. You know what isn’t bad? ALLLLL of the dramatic tension. Both men watch JoJo tangle up with the other and my TV starts to smoke from the fires of jealousy.

That night at "dinner" JoJo tells Derek that he’s been a show-er but not a grow-er, aka he took a strong lead but never really progressed. He tries to make up for it by dropping the “falling for you” card. Unfortunately, he’s like a month late to earn any points for it.

Then she tells Chase to use his words, to which he responds with nonchalant mumbles that magically woo her. Like really, I don’t think he said anything of value or interest, but she must have been having her own conversation in her head because Chase gets the rose and Derek is sent home.

You do you, girl. Both options are whatever.

Their musical serenade is the classic hit from Evita: Don’t Cry for Me Argentina. Should we have expected anything else? A producer Googled “Argentina” and praised himself for another creative breakthrough. As Chase and JoJo dance, Derek is put in the limo and driven around the same block until he sheds some strong man tears. We've hit a new level of literalness (totally a word, I promise.)

Producer: "Not enough tears, Derek. If I get enough footage to fill the entire length of the song, Chris Harrison said he'll give me a raise. KEEP CRYING!"

The cocktail party attendance is five men, one woman, and one BREATHTAKING blue gown. Holy crap, girl.

Get on it, Possessionista.

James T is grasping at straws during this cocktail party. He knows he’s on the chopping block so he starts "falling" with the rest of them. Let’s hope they’re dating with a safety net, because we have like six dudes "falling" to their demise.

All other convos are meh. Nothing of note.

During the rose ceremony JoJo needs an extra minute to choose between the final two, James T and Alex. She has a quick rules chat with Chris Harrison and SURPRISE she's keeping both men! An intern goes running to buy an additional plane ticket for their next locale. By the grace of Chris Harrison both James T and Alex move on to next week, saving several fantasy teams from complete elimination.

EVERYONE GETS A ROSE

Heads up, it looks like there will NOT be a 4th of July episode, so plan your DVR accordingly.

All the love and roses in South America,

Julie

Co-commissioner

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JoJo Week Five: Stop Trying to Make Roses Happen, Gretchen

This week we are so excited to welcome our second guest blogger, Katie Carter! Katie went to Notre Dame with Elizabeth and Julie and now resides in South Bend. She is a self-professed Roses to Riches Superfan and came out of the woodwork in the least creepy/most awesome way possible. She eagerly answered our call for guest bloggers with an application that stood out from the pack beyond compare. Katie stroked our egos beautifully so give her your undivided attention (and some love in the comments). I'll let her take it from here.



Happy Tuesday, Bachelor Nation! I am so excited to guest blog for Roses to Riches and look forward to recapping the most dramatic (and longest) episode in Bachelorette history! Because tonight, there are two rose ceremonies, two countries and NINETY-TWO dates, all while the intentions of the suitee are questioned by the suitors. A spin we haven't since the glory days of Juan Pablo. Let's jump right in.

The episode begins with JoJo and the guys still in Nemacolin, Pennsylvania. In a town that sounds like a pissed off punctuation mark, we find Chad, whistling menacing tunes (is that the college football pump up song?) while hunting for the remaining men. Meanwhile, they are back at home base celebrating Chad's funeral, scattering his protein powder in remembrance. Wells leads this charge with a lovely eulogy and we can't help but enjoy a knee-slap giggle on this one. Clever, boys. Clever.

Following their service, the guys are shocked to see Chad at the door. *Side note: I love that the Canadian is eating cereal while the others drink. We never see that kind of realism on the Bachelor. Did Lauren B ever eat Captain Crunch at the mansion? She's definitely a Special K girl though. UGH.

They let Chad in and he does something he has yet to do on national television. He confronts the men, saying he feels attacked and had no choice but to get physical in defense. Jordan, as the one with the tallest hair, steps forward to shake Chad's hand and dismisses him because they are still here, in Nemacolin, Pennsylvania, and Chad is not. With this, Jordan proceeds to the kitchen "to enjoy the night." A real slap in the face to Chad because that's where all the meat is.

We completely forget about JoJo and Alex! ABC airs none of their date -- not a good sign for him. We do see them share a kiss, during which JoJo has to slouch a bit and remind herself a kitten heel is needed for future dates with Alex. He returns with the two-on-one rose he earned for all of America and the guys welcome him back with a frat party for the ages. We notice James Taylor (my favorite) is still wounded and continues to be forever endearing. NOT so endearing is the loss of 17 cupcakes to Alex's face. Boys just don't understand.

At this point I must add that my friend (a VERY FIRST TIME WATCHER) asks if the bla-exican-caucasian man (Grant) is supposed to account for all diversity -- to which the rest of us responded with a resounding YES.

After a tantalizing preview of Bachelor in Paradise (CAN'T WAIT), we are brought to the Woodlands Resort. It looks beautiful but not quite as beautiful as JoJo's dress. She says something we may have never heard before in Bachelor History, "Sending Chad home was one of the BEST decisions I have ever made." Not the hardest or the most difficult or gut-wrenching...the BEST. Bye forever, Chad.

Softie boxing club owner James F reads JoJo a poem that doesn't quite rhyme, making JoJo subtly blot a nonexistent tear. Nicholas Sparks actor Luke makes us swoon until he weaves into the "too cheesy" lane and Derek (my second personal favorite) has us yelling at the TV to put himself out there!!! Come on, Derek, you more handsome John Krasinski! Fight for me her!

It's too little too late for Derek tonight, Jordan gets handsyyy and grabs JoJo for a steamy makeout up against a wall...a wall RIGHT on the other side of the rest of the guys. They pan to the oblivious men and Evan's hair is more askew than JoJo's.

JoJo, feeling loosey-goosey and weak in the knees, leads the men to the Rose Ceremony. We say goodbye to poetic boxer James F (maybe The Apprentice is casting?) and the cereal-eating Canadian. Damn Daniel takes the news pretty hard, saying, "Obviously my body doesn't matter because she picked Evan and Wells. She's obviously going for personality, and obviously my personality is shit."

At least he's honest.

JoJo announces we are off to South America for the next stop on the journey. Waterfalls and Zika, here we come! Vinny, who originally thought he was trying out for Jersey Shore, Generation 2, is very excited to travel to South America with "a future wife of mine." Vinny has plans...lots of them.

The group lands in Uruguay and with Chad gone, the boys start plotting about who NOW is not here for the right reasons. There's always a Karen in every group. Jordan gets the first one-on-one. "Let's seal the date," reads the card. All of us at home feel clever for hoping they go on a date with seals while the boys are seething because Jordan gets more time with their girlfriend. James Taylor with his cute little scar and unintelligible speech still has us in a tizzy. I mentioned having a SEMI-fondness for Evan and was told I have a good heart by my friends. That's always nice to hear.

Jordan and JoJo lay together on a yacht with matching spray tans as JoJo gently grazes the outline of Jordan's hair with her finger, careful not to touch the gel. A collecting scream in the room because YES, there are seals on their date!

Back at the ranch, Vinny cuts the boys' hair while they read the producer-planted tabloids. Men...they're just like us! The guys are blindsided by the In Touch cover story leaked by JoJo's ex: The Original Chad. Not Murder Whistling Bear Chad...Pre-Ben Flower Sending Ex Chad. The article accuses JoJo of sneaking around with Chad during Ben's season and questions her intentions for being the Bachelorette. The boys are wounded beyond belief as they question HER reasons for being here. Come on guys, People Magazine or bust! Don't believe In Touch! <-- That would be a great picketing chant.

With Jordan and JoJo oblivious to the tabloid drama, they encounter their own hiccup when JoJo tells Jordan she happened to meet a girl who used to date Jordan, with the help of ABC. This makes him nervous as hell. Jordan explains football was his priority, causing him not to be the best boyfriend he could have been. He makes a smooth recovery by quoting his pastor and JoJo eats it right up. She gives him the rose.

In her interview, JoJo says she is so happy after her date and nothing can take away this feeling. NOTHING...except for this convenient second copy of In Touch that the producer happens to have on hand. Visibly confused, JoJo realizes the content of the article and freaks out a smidge. Our heart actually breaks for JoJo when the tears are flowing after admitting Ben was her truest form of love. I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel like she is not over him. We don't blame you, JoJo.

JoJo talks to the guys right away to reassure them of her intentions, lumping ex-Chad and Whistling Bear Chad into a group of No Good Chads, aka Every Chad of All Time. The guys accept her earnest apology and she regains their trust, just in time for the group date. All but Jordan and Robby go sand-boarding...a dangerous and uncomfortable looking jaunt in the desert. With their undies filled with sand, the boys clean up for their drinks and 60 seconds of one-on-one time. Meanwhile, Robby and Jordan bond over a spa day where they recreate my least favorite part of the Princess Diaries and EAT THE CUCUMBERS OFF THEIR EYES.

The group date cocktail party features Derek as the new object of Mini Alex's dislike. Derek admit to JoJo he is feeling insecure, having not had any time with her since their date. JoJo understands, and despite another sappy Luke soliloquy, JoJo gives Derek the group date rose for reassurance. This sends Alex into a frenzy and, tousled hair and all, calls Derek a little bitch for voicing his insecurities. His maturity matches his stature and we are not impressed.

The last date finally arrives and Robby and JoJo embark on an exploration of the streets of Uruguay to truly experience the culture. We don't see much of the culture and instead find Robby and JoJo on a cliff where Robby confesses to us, the loyal audience, that he is in love with JoJo. The first definite love confession goes to the man with the neon floral trunks! He's bold and we like it. Robby confesses he has been thinking of this moment for WEEKS and that one day (43 days from now to be exact) he will propose. They jump off the cliff together in a perfect ABC-crafted metaphor. JoJo and Robby proceed to dinner where he begins his I Love You speech, priming JoJo with a truly heartbreaking story about the death of his best friend and ending in a beautiful 10-point profession of L-O-V-E. JoJo gazes into Robby's eyes and says, "Thank you so much." There must be a book the Bachelor/Bachelorette must read before the season: "Top 10 Ways To Respond To I Love You When You Are Not Allowed/Do Not Want To Say It Back." Ben obviously did not read this required text. Anyway, Robby gets the rose and the date ends with all of the tummy butterflies.

Back at the house, Derek is under attack and feels like the boys are being cliquey. They have an uncomfortable cat fight in which Derek pulls aside a few good men (Jordan, Alex, Chase and Robby) to tell them he is not in favor of their Plastics antics, accusations they laugh off in true Regina George fashion. With no headway made, the guys prepare for a much-needed cocktail party.

NOT SO FAST! Chris Harrison enters with his somber, "The budget is running low and we need to conserve the alcohol" speech. The group proceeds to the elimination room, with the roses on a literal chopping block. Tonight THREE more guys will go home, making hearts race across Bachelor Nation. JoJo's dress deserves its own rose. Luke, Chase, Alex, James Taylor and Wells join Derek, Robby and Jordan for another week of adventures.

We say goodbye to Evan, Grant and Vinny. Evan is as devastated as his hair in the Uruguay humidity. Grant will be just fine -- a hunky firefighter never really loses. Vinny pulls at our heartstrings and cries his way into the Bach in Paradise cast (?!). Next week promises to bring the heat in Buenos Aires as we tango closer to what seems like an emotional and dramatic season finale.

Thank you for letting me join the Roses to Riches fun and fulfill a bucket list item:
✓ Participate in the Bachelor Franchise

Love and Roses,
Katie

We're finally back to normal scoring weeks!

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JoJo Week Three(cont.): Oh, PocoNO You Didn't!

Welcome back to the out-of-whack schedule that everyone hates but that we still tolerate because this show controls our lives. ABC has once again decided to monopolize my week with episodes on back-to-back nights. I had to cancel so many important, wild, social Tuesday night plans to watch this episode (JK I had to put down my cross stitch and stop petting my dog.)

What's so wrong with episode formulas?

We pick up where we left off, at the pool party. Everyone thinks that Chad is about to announce that he's leaving. PSYCHE, he's just explaining his poor behavior in a way that makes sense to absolutely no one except Chad.

Evan: "Chad, you owe me a new shirt and an apology."
Chad: "Counteroffer: I'll give you twenty bucks and punch you in the face."

During that whole conversation Evan was so incredulous but mostly just spastic. Wells jumps in with his tiny shorts and level headed opinions. Such an adorable voice of reason. I think it's very brave of him because if Wells spoke his mind and Chad didn't agree, Wells would be dead in appx .3 seconds.

Pool party! Everyone strip! And put on sunscreen! (Off camera, tho, because sunscreen is for nerds)

My kind of pool party

JoJo: "It's been a little stressful this week. Hopefully the pool party will take the edge off and not make the guys insane and jealous."
^famous last words

They do normal pool party activities like having chicken fights and sneakily checking out the only bikini-clad girl present. You know, the usj.

The guys do a cute little diving stunt for JoJo. Evan gets a nosebleed. Classic Evan.

JoJo is skeptical about Jordan. She thinks he may be too good to be true, and rightly so! YOU GO, GLEN JOJO. YOU ASK ALL THE QUESTIONS YOU NEED. But seriously, ask him some questions. Making out with Jordan will not get you any information whatsoever. If you're gonna marry the guy you're gonna need to talk to him.

Chad has his first verbal altercation of MANY during this episode. This one's with Derek. Derek holds his own like a damn man during this confrontation. My ovaries are exploding right now. Derek I love you but your lapels need some work.

We finally get a rose ceremony. She chooses all the predictables and then Chad, yes Chad, the psychotic altercation-point-MVP gets the final rose of the night. That is a producer planted rose if I've ever seen one. We get at least one more week of his antics, which is good for the league but makes NO SENSE for JoJo. Ali, Christian and Nick B go home. Not at all surprised, but def disappointed.

Killin' me.

League rules reminder: All rose ceremony points went under "Week 3." Moving forward through the next rose ceremony, whenever that may be, will be "Week 4." This means your Week 3 points changed from yesterday.

The crew travels to exotic Pennsylvania for their first destination of the year. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Pocono Mountains and Amish people, but I have a sneaking suspicion from all the hotel name drops that JoJo didn't pick this locale.

Luke gets first one-on-one. They wander through the forest and arrive at....wait for it... the First Hot Tub of the season! It's a wood fire hot tub which requires Luke to chop some wood first. By design, this activity gets his muscles all toned and bulging for his shirtlessness. He picks her up like no man has ever been able to pick me up and daintily places her in the scalding water.

These two might be LOVAHS afterall.

Side note, Luke wins an award for most un-photogenic. His contestant photo looked hella crooked, but in all of these film shots his face is of a normal layout. Seriously, did he have pink eye when they took that? In any case, I now have him on my short list of front runners.

AM I WRONG?

Luke gets all personal and does the whole "open up" thing. He shows some depth, tells a heartbreaking story and makes me and JoJo swoon. He's got this broody country boy thing going on and we're all diggin' it. Luke gets a rose.

JoJo takes Luke go to a Ben and Jay Jan and Ray Dan and Shay concert where EVERY SINGLE ATTENDEE has their phone up. I couldn't pay attention to anything else that was going on because I was having flashbacks of all concerts I've had to watch though the phone of Suzie Social Media standing in front of me. Put your phone down and let love happen!

The group date is at Heinz Field (that's a football stadium, for you non-ESPNers). Jordan is foaming at the mouth hoping for another tryout. The guys start to get a little violent and sweetheart James Taylor gets his face smashed so hard that he needs stitches. He's looking a hot mess and does his best to stick it out. Note to the producers, we love these Medical Attention points. Next season you should try rugby or UFC.

While the rest of the guys are on the date, Chad, Alex and Luke are hanging out, yelling at each other at the hotel. Casual vacation activities for most families. Alex keeps poking the Chad-shaped bear with very passive aggressive questions.

Back in Football Land the guys play a game of touch football featuring Jordan as the all-time peacock quarterback. These guys are straight up terrible. Did JoJo list "bad at sports" as one of her preferences in men? Magically, the all-injured team wins so Evan, Jordan, James T, Robby and Derek get to spend more time with JoJo tonight.

Evan continues to show his Dorky Dad colors. He seems to have a permanent bloody nose. I thought Evan was going home on the first night, so I'm flabbergasted he's made it this far.

On the date, my team cash cow, Jordan, gets Falling for You points! Reminder: these points go to the first man to tell JoJo that he is "falling in love with her" or "falling for her." Naturally, this earns him the date MVP rose! He's single handedly carrying my team like he carried the football date.

The next day, prior to our two-on-one date, Chad chooses Jordan to take out his nervous anger on. Jordan makes one sass-tastic comment and Chad flips his Mr. Hyde switch and starts threatening to hunt Jordan down Taken-style after this Journey is complete. I can't even laugh at this anymore because Chad very clearly needs some professional help.

Now that Chad's in such a great mood, he gets to go on a two-on-one date with his BFFL Alex. Slight upside: both guys earn First Helicopter points!

The date is a hike in the woods and the tension could be cut with a pocket knife. I'm hiding under a blanket due to the third party awkwardness. Chad and Alex want to murder each other, and you can tell both are looking around at all the potential weapons in the woods around them.

Alex warns JoJo that she's dating a psychopath. She's all "are you sure he's not a sociopath?" Immediately following her chat with Alex, she straight up tells Chad about the Alex shit-talking. She's pretty much feeding Alex to a rabid bear. Chad's eyes go black and I think his head spun around once. JoJo is acting surprised as if all Chads aren't like this.

Chad's vampire/killer transition ^
Side note, I've been looking for an excuse to use a Buffy gif for YEARS. Thanks, Chad.

JoJo gives the default rose to Alex, shocking no one. Chad is left wandering the forest in the night, Deliverance-style. He wanders all the way back to the contestant lodge where...the episode cuts.

We have to wait two weeks for the next episode because ABC has no respect for my emotional stability.

Huge points week, y'all. Anyone with Chad/Evan/Alex scored BIG on altercation points. I refuse to draft Chads on principle and Evan reminded me of Larry the Lesbian, so needless to say, Julie's Juiceheads are starting their decline.

Love and Roses,
Julie

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