JoJo Week Five: Stop Trying to Make Roses Happen, Gretchen

This week we are so excited to welcome our second guest blogger, Katie Carter! Katie went to Notre Dame with Elizabeth and Julie and now resides in South Bend. She is a self-professed Roses to Riches Superfan and came out of the woodwork in the least creepy/most awesome way possible. She eagerly answered our call for guest bloggers with an application that stood out from the pack beyond compare. Katie stroked our egos beautifully so give her your undivided attention (and some love in the comments). I'll let her take it from here.



Happy Tuesday, Bachelor Nation! I am so excited to guest blog for Roses to Riches and look forward to recapping the most dramatic (and longest) episode in Bachelorette history! Because tonight, there are two rose ceremonies, two countries and NINETY-TWO dates, all while the intentions of the suitee are questioned by the suitors. A spin we haven't since the glory days of Juan Pablo. Let's jump right in.

The episode begins with JoJo and the guys still in Nemacolin, Pennsylvania. In a town that sounds like a pissed off punctuation mark, we find Chad, whistling menacing tunes (is that the college football pump up song?) while hunting for the remaining men. Meanwhile, they are back at home base celebrating Chad's funeral, scattering his protein powder in remembrance. Wells leads this charge with a lovely eulogy and we can't help but enjoy a knee-slap giggle on this one. Clever, boys. Clever.

Following their service, the guys are shocked to see Chad at the door. *Side note: I love that the Canadian is eating cereal while the others drink. We never see that kind of realism on the Bachelor. Did Lauren B ever eat Captain Crunch at the mansion? She's definitely a Special K girl though. UGH.

They let Chad in and he does something he has yet to do on national television. He confronts the men, saying he feels attacked and had no choice but to get physical in defense. Jordan, as the one with the tallest hair, steps forward to shake Chad's hand and dismisses him because they are still here, in Nemacolin, Pennsylvania, and Chad is not. With this, Jordan proceeds to the kitchen "to enjoy the night." A real slap in the face to Chad because that's where all the meat is.

We completely forget about JoJo and Alex! ABC airs none of their date -- not a good sign for him. We do see them share a kiss, during which JoJo has to slouch a bit and remind herself a kitten heel is needed for future dates with Alex. He returns with the two-on-one rose he earned for all of America and the guys welcome him back with a frat party for the ages. We notice James Taylor (my favorite) is still wounded and continues to be forever endearing. NOT so endearing is the loss of 17 cupcakes to Alex's face. Boys just don't understand.

At this point I must add that my friend (a VERY FIRST TIME WATCHER) asks if the bla-exican-caucasian man (Grant) is supposed to account for all diversity -- to which the rest of us responded with a resounding YES.

After a tantalizing preview of Bachelor in Paradise (CAN'T WAIT), we are brought to the Woodlands Resort. It looks beautiful but not quite as beautiful as JoJo's dress. She says something we may have never heard before in Bachelor History, "Sending Chad home was one of the BEST decisions I have ever made." Not the hardest or the most difficult or gut-wrenching...the BEST. Bye forever, Chad.

Softie boxing club owner James F reads JoJo a poem that doesn't quite rhyme, making JoJo subtly blot a nonexistent tear. Nicholas Sparks actor Luke makes us swoon until he weaves into the "too cheesy" lane and Derek (my second personal favorite) has us yelling at the TV to put himself out there!!! Come on, Derek, you more handsome John Krasinski! Fight for me her!

It's too little too late for Derek tonight, Jordan gets handsyyy and grabs JoJo for a steamy makeout up against a wall...a wall RIGHT on the other side of the rest of the guys. They pan to the oblivious men and Evan's hair is more askew than JoJo's.

JoJo, feeling loosey-goosey and weak in the knees, leads the men to the Rose Ceremony. We say goodbye to poetic boxer James F (maybe The Apprentice is casting?) and the cereal-eating Canadian. Damn Daniel takes the news pretty hard, saying, "Obviously my body doesn't matter because she picked Evan and Wells. She's obviously going for personality, and obviously my personality is shit."

At least he's honest.

JoJo announces we are off to South America for the next stop on the journey. Waterfalls and Zika, here we come! Vinny, who originally thought he was trying out for Jersey Shore, Generation 2, is very excited to travel to South America with "a future wife of mine." Vinny has plans...lots of them.

The group lands in Uruguay and with Chad gone, the boys start plotting about who NOW is not here for the right reasons. There's always a Karen in every group. Jordan gets the first one-on-one. "Let's seal the date," reads the card. All of us at home feel clever for hoping they go on a date with seals while the boys are seething because Jordan gets more time with their girlfriend. James Taylor with his cute little scar and unintelligible speech still has us in a tizzy. I mentioned having a SEMI-fondness for Evan and was told I have a good heart by my friends. That's always nice to hear.

Jordan and JoJo lay together on a yacht with matching spray tans as JoJo gently grazes the outline of Jordan's hair with her finger, careful not to touch the gel. A collecting scream in the room because YES, there are seals on their date!

Back at the ranch, Vinny cuts the boys' hair while they read the producer-planted tabloids. Men...they're just like us! The guys are blindsided by the In Touch cover story leaked by JoJo's ex: The Original Chad. Not Murder Whistling Bear Chad...Pre-Ben Flower Sending Ex Chad. The article accuses JoJo of sneaking around with Chad during Ben's season and questions her intentions for being the Bachelorette. The boys are wounded beyond belief as they question HER reasons for being here. Come on guys, People Magazine or bust! Don't believe In Touch! <-- That would be a great picketing chant.

With Jordan and JoJo oblivious to the tabloid drama, they encounter their own hiccup when JoJo tells Jordan she happened to meet a girl who used to date Jordan, with the help of ABC. This makes him nervous as hell. Jordan explains football was his priority, causing him not to be the best boyfriend he could have been. He makes a smooth recovery by quoting his pastor and JoJo eats it right up. She gives him the rose.

In her interview, JoJo says she is so happy after her date and nothing can take away this feeling. NOTHING...except for this convenient second copy of In Touch that the producer happens to have on hand. Visibly confused, JoJo realizes the content of the article and freaks out a smidge. Our heart actually breaks for JoJo when the tears are flowing after admitting Ben was her truest form of love. I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel like she is not over him. We don't blame you, JoJo.

JoJo talks to the guys right away to reassure them of her intentions, lumping ex-Chad and Whistling Bear Chad into a group of No Good Chads, aka Every Chad of All Time. The guys accept her earnest apology and she regains their trust, just in time for the group date. All but Jordan and Robby go sand-boarding...a dangerous and uncomfortable looking jaunt in the desert. With their undies filled with sand, the boys clean up for their drinks and 60 seconds of one-on-one time. Meanwhile, Robby and Jordan bond over a spa day where they recreate my least favorite part of the Princess Diaries and EAT THE CUCUMBERS OFF THEIR EYES.

The group date cocktail party features Derek as the new object of Mini Alex's dislike. Derek admit to JoJo he is feeling insecure, having not had any time with her since their date. JoJo understands, and despite another sappy Luke soliloquy, JoJo gives Derek the group date rose for reassurance. This sends Alex into a frenzy and, tousled hair and all, calls Derek a little bitch for voicing his insecurities. His maturity matches his stature and we are not impressed.

The last date finally arrives and Robby and JoJo embark on an exploration of the streets of Uruguay to truly experience the culture. We don't see much of the culture and instead find Robby and JoJo on a cliff where Robby confesses to us, the loyal audience, that he is in love with JoJo. The first definite love confession goes to the man with the neon floral trunks! He's bold and we like it. Robby confesses he has been thinking of this moment for WEEKS and that one day (43 days from now to be exact) he will propose. They jump off the cliff together in a perfect ABC-crafted metaphor. JoJo and Robby proceed to dinner where he begins his I Love You speech, priming JoJo with a truly heartbreaking story about the death of his best friend and ending in a beautiful 10-point profession of L-O-V-E. JoJo gazes into Robby's eyes and says, "Thank you so much." There must be a book the Bachelor/Bachelorette must read before the season: "Top 10 Ways To Respond To I Love You When You Are Not Allowed/Do Not Want To Say It Back." Ben obviously did not read this required text. Anyway, Robby gets the rose and the date ends with all of the tummy butterflies.

Back at the house, Derek is under attack and feels like the boys are being cliquey. They have an uncomfortable cat fight in which Derek pulls aside a few good men (Jordan, Alex, Chase and Robby) to tell them he is not in favor of their Plastics antics, accusations they laugh off in true Regina George fashion. With no headway made, the guys prepare for a much-needed cocktail party.

NOT SO FAST! Chris Harrison enters with his somber, "The budget is running low and we need to conserve the alcohol" speech. The group proceeds to the elimination room, with the roses on a literal chopping block. Tonight THREE more guys will go home, making hearts race across Bachelor Nation. JoJo's dress deserves its own rose. Luke, Chase, Alex, James Taylor and Wells join Derek, Robby and Jordan for another week of adventures.

We say goodbye to Evan, Grant and Vinny. Evan is as devastated as his hair in the Uruguay humidity. Grant will be just fine -- a hunky firefighter never really loses. Vinny pulls at our heartstrings and cries his way into the Bach in Paradise cast (?!). Next week promises to bring the heat in Buenos Aires as we tango closer to what seems like an emotional and dramatic season finale.

Thank you for letting me join the Roses to Riches fun and fulfill a bucket list item:
✓ Participate in the Bachelor Franchise

Love and Roses,
Katie

We're finally back to normal scoring weeks!