JoJo Week Six: Bésame, Jo-chacho

Happy Tuesday, Bachies.

This week's episode takes place in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Immediately we see Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior, reassuring us that he does get to make the full trip and not just show up for rose night. I wonder what his frequent flier miles look like. He's got to have hoes in different country codes. This man is living the dream.

Robby thinks they're in the "city of love." Wrong continent, bro.

First date of the week is a one-on-one with Wells. He's looking a lot better this week. Last week the bags under his eyes were reminiscent of characters in Trainspotting. I was worried for his wellsfare. Heh, see what I did there?

Now I'm worried about him in other ways because he tells the rest of the guys that he has not yet kissed JoJo. That's right--he made it past week two but hasn't locked lips with our leading lady. Not only is he a late bloomer, but he feels the need to tell ALL of his competition that he's in last place. He's shaking like a leaf from nerves when he leaves for the date.

They do some casual shopping that ABC shoots with their Friend Zone filter so we can all see where this is going. (Friend Zone filter is a real thing I just made up. Check ALL of my Instagram posts featuring males. Trust me.) Next they do this weird performance art, Cirque du Soleil-type thing that involves flopping around on a suspended pool. It's as if someone tripped and fell onto a pool cover and are trying to escape the standing water. Bizarre. If that were me, this would be much more Butter Dance, but it’s JoJo so it's cute. Speaking of cute, Wells is straight up precious throughout the whole date. During every talking head you can almost hear America say "bless your heart" in the background. They finally kiss and both cheer because they finally kiss. He uses the phrase “I have a tingle in my heart."

Do yourself a favor. Watch the Butter Dance at full volume.

He’s super eloquent at their “dinner” and says everything I’ve ever wanted a boy to say to me. I love him. I want to feed him a cheeseburger, but I love him.

Sadly, JoJo does not. She thinks he’s too skeptical to be with FOR-EV-VER and does not give him the rose. Poor guy can bring his angst over to my place and we’ll listen to emo music together. Bye, Wells.

Peace out, Wells. You will be sorely missed. As will your medical attention points.

Next up is a group date with Robby, Luke, Alex, Jordan, and James Taylor. James is having self esteem issues all day because the other guys are all attractive, athletic and asshole-y. His artistic soul and fluffy midriff feel out of place. In a plot twist, he makes a penalty soccer kick and gets to kiss her while all those Abercrombie models look on. Good on you, James T. Way to win one for sweethearts everywhere.

Later in the evening, Luke is being all sexy 'n’ stuff to solidify his frontrunner status. His makeout sesh with JoJo is as hot and steamy as New Orleans’ weather was this weekend (HA, regional joke.)

James T decides to kamikaze himself and spend his precious private time attacking Jordan instead of working on his own relationship status. He starts pouting over some rule dispute in a poker game, and that dispute is going to get him booted off this journey. Always does. Until now, I had been a fan of James T, but right now he sounds like some of the dudes I used to play intramurals with: "Nuh uh, ref, that was TOTALLY out of bounds. This is bullshit!"

You should know better, James T.

In classic JoJo fashion, she immediately tells Jordan that James T double-crossed him. If they both stay tonight, James T is getting smothered with hair mousse in his sleep. C’mon, Jo, couldn’t you just be vague? You can see the revenge wheels turning in Jordan's eyes as he does his best to explain the spat. I used to babysit a couple of boys who had this exact same argument once, minus the girl. They were eight.

Luke gets the group date rose.

Because ABC loves us, we get a second two-on-one date this season! First in franchise history. The lucky participants are Chase and Derek. Both of them are completely, totally 100% confident that they will be the one returning. What’s Spanish for presumptuous?

It takes three to tango in this date, but not these three because they’re all pretty bad. You know what isn’t bad? ALLLLL of the dramatic tension. Both men watch JoJo tangle up with the other and my TV starts to smoke from the fires of jealousy.

That night at "dinner" JoJo tells Derek that he’s been a show-er but not a grow-er, aka he took a strong lead but never really progressed. He tries to make up for it by dropping the “falling for you” card. Unfortunately, he’s like a month late to earn any points for it.

Then she tells Chase to use his words, to which he responds with nonchalant mumbles that magically woo her. Like really, I don’t think he said anything of value or interest, but she must have been having her own conversation in her head because Chase gets the rose and Derek is sent home.

You do you, girl. Both options are whatever.

Their musical serenade is the classic hit from Evita: Don’t Cry for Me Argentina. Should we have expected anything else? A producer Googled “Argentina” and praised himself for another creative breakthrough. As Chase and JoJo dance, Derek is put in the limo and driven around the same block until he sheds some strong man tears. We've hit a new level of literalness (totally a word, I promise.)

Producer: "Not enough tears, Derek. If I get enough footage to fill the entire length of the song, Chris Harrison said he'll give me a raise. KEEP CRYING!"

The cocktail party attendance is five men, one woman, and one BREATHTAKING blue gown. Holy crap, girl.

Get on it, Possessionista.

James T is grasping at straws during this cocktail party. He knows he’s on the chopping block so he starts "falling" with the rest of them. Let’s hope they’re dating with a safety net, because we have like six dudes "falling" to their demise.

All other convos are meh. Nothing of note.

During the rose ceremony JoJo needs an extra minute to choose between the final two, James T and Alex. She has a quick rules chat with Chris Harrison and SURPRISE she's keeping both men! An intern goes running to buy an additional plane ticket for their next locale. By the grace of Chris Harrison both James T and Alex move on to next week, saving several fantasy teams from complete elimination.

EVERYONE GETS A ROSE

Heads up, it looks like there will NOT be a 4th of July episode, so plan your DVR accordingly.

All the love and roses in South America,

Julie

Co-commissioner