Nick V Week Ten: 4th Time's the Limit

Is it just me or has this season been dragging on For. Ev. Er.? Honestly. Let's get this show on the road.

Oh my gawd, this shit is THREE HOURS tonight? Need to ration my Final Rose wine accordingly.

Nick's dad: "Going through this process with Nick was excruciating."

Forget you, Lena Dunham. Mr. Viall is the voice of our generation.

It's 7:12pm and Raven's family date is already over. How on earth are they going to fill the next two hours and 48 minutes? My eyeball muscles are already sore from the workout they're about to get doing so many squats eye rolls. Gonna be so toned, though. Bring on bikini season.

Or just watch this show.

The family sits around and talks about all of Nick's failed relationships. I hope my family doesn't do that when I'm not around.

Nick's...brother?: "These women can still say no to him and, given Nick's track record, it's pretty likely that they will."

Good to know your fam has your back, Nick.

How your family SHOULD act after a breakup.

How Nick's family acts after his breakups.

During Vanessa's family date, she tells Nick's family about how she puked on their date and that's when she knew Nick was the one. As someone who has vommed on a date (IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY OKAY), I can vouch for that feeling. Nothing brings two people together like a bout of motion sickness. Granted, we're not together anymore, but it was not because of the vomming.

Ew, Vanessa why are you wearing cargo pants? Just because cargo pants are tight does not mean they are sexy. Cargo pants are only acceptable when on Safari. Or at least when you actually USE those extraneous pockets, which would probably only happen on Safari.

Vanessa has a convo with Mr. Viall. It ends with them both in precious father/maybe-future-daughter-in-law tears and there's not a dry eye in the house. To be fair, my eyes are the only eyes in the house, but it still counts.

Me: "I'm crying right now wtf."
Julie: "Are you watching with people or alone? My mom is disappointed in you."
Me: "Alone. Maybe I'm crying because I'm alone."
*The ep cuts to commercial. The accompanying song is "One Is the Loneliest Number."*

Ridin' that ERC.

Mrs. Viall: "Nick, we know an engagement is precious to you even though you've proposed three times more than the average man."

The family has mixed feelings about both women. The live studio audience is overwhelmingly Team Vanessa but they also hope he ends up alone. #savage

Vanessa and Nick have their final date. They ride horses and visit Santa Claus. Vanessa earns Metaphor Points for making one of the most far-fetched date/activity comparisons in Bachelor History. Vanessa likens believing in Santa to being in love with Nick. Which either means that A) Vanessa is a grown-ass woman who still believes in Santa OR B) Vanessa thinks that a future with Nick is utterly unrealistic and impossible but she's still holding out hope because in the meantime it's fun and you get orgasms presents. GOOD OMENS FOR YOUR FUTURE.

I'm sure you guys are gonna last forever.

They are really drawing out Vanessa's anxiety to an obnoxious level. I guess we're supposed to believe that Nick and Vanessa are each as insecure as the other? She's really only upset because she didn't win it right out of the gate like Whitney B or Lauren B or Shawn B. Maybe if you added a B to your name, V? Just one woman's opinion.

The date concludes. Nothing is resolved.

Raven gets her final date. She does her signature move, the Run and Jump™. She exclaims, "Ah! You caught me!" as if this is the first time she's ever done that signature move. IT'S CALLED A SIGNATURE MOVE FOR A REASON, RAVEN.

They ice skate to a soundtrack straight out of 2001. Like the good Midwestern boy he is, Nick is actually a VERY good ice skater, which is pretty impressive. Like, he can skate while carrying Raven in his arms. Maybe I should raise my standards from "could and would carry me out of a burning building" to "could and would ice skate with me in his arms away from a burning Finnish forest." Maybe that's unrealistic. Feel free to weigh in in the comments.

Nick disappears for a sec and reappears with husky puppies. We're all ded.

THEY'RE SO FLUFFY I'M GONNA DIEEEEE.

Raven: "This is the best day of my life. I hope my kids with Nick are as cute as these puppies."

Honestly, Raven, that's all anyone can hope for with aliens babies. Thank you for saying what we're all thinking.

We learn that Nick is literally paralyzed by the stress of The Process. He cannot move his neck. Maybe that's because he's old AF and and he was doing tons of ice tricks today! You're no spring chicken, Nick V.

Raven is head over heels for Nick and it's tragic to watch. That's SO Poor Raven. They are setting her up for a HARD fall. She's obviously about to lose and I'm already sad about it.

Neil Lane arrives the door and Nick picks an engagement ring for the fourth time. We see an unprecedented level of camaraderie between Nick and Neil. Maybe because no one in Bachelor History has ever spent so much time with the ring guy.

Nick: "I don't know anything about engagement rings."

Sure you don't, Nick.

Nick prepares to break up with Raven. She arrives wearing a stunning fur coat. I can't wait till I'm 60 and can wear coats like that errday. 

She gives her speech and the imminent breakup is all. over. Nick's. face. How does she not see it? Why is she still talking? If I were giving a speech like that and I saw Nick's face, I'd start to course-correct immediately. "No? This isn't happening? BOY BYE." Throw deuces, grab my fur (and the sunscreen intern who's been seriously bored since we left Bimini), run back to the limo and peace the F out before anyone can earn betch tear points from me.

Nick breaks up with Raven. He cries more than she does. Raven and I are both over it.

Raven's thinking about how easily she can remove her stilettos in this moment.

Fun fact: when we were kids, my best and oldest friend Maggie and I used to play a game called Stoic. Like a staring contest but more intense. I was very good. So in case anyone was questioning my abilities, I'd have the stoic exit DOWN. PAT.

Funner fact: Maggie is currently growing another human being inside her body and I write a blog about The Bachelor. So take what you will from that.

Raven's exit score is 1,000% a riff on Titanic's "My Heart Will Go On." I've played that enough times on piano to know that it's a near perfect harmony. 

Vanessa arrives in a, frankly, subpar fur to Raven's. Nick proposes to Vanessa and she says yes. In the words of Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison, "It was one of the most anticipated proposals of all time in Bachelor History."

He proposed, she said yes, they're happy. Maybe.

How both Nick and Vanessa are feeling.

After the Final Rose is a lot of waffling over whether they're happy, whether they're not. It's a bunch of nonsense and I really don't want to watch but my remote is far away and I'm comfortable on my couch. Also I'm a rationing pro and still have half a glass of wine left (barely). I hope they're happy, even though they don't quite seem to be. Honestly, I just want them to get married so I can stop seeing Nick on this damn television show. We're all ready to move on with our lives.

Congrats to the Roses to Riches winners and to the losers wine winners. Pool captains, if you have questions about payouts, get in touch with Julie or me. We'll help you out. It's been a hell of a season. Thanks for sticking with us, loyal readers. We love you so. See you in two months!

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth

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Nick V Week Nine.Five: Finally, Finlantasy Suites

Welcome back, friends. ICYMI, we're not happy with ABC's scheduling and editing choices this season. See last week's rant for details. Therefore, this post covers two TV weeks, but one week in the Bach universe.

The ep(s) starts with a *~dRaMaTiC~* convo guest starring Andi. She and Nick test their amateur acting skillz to pretend this could get weird. We all know it won't and this whole bit is really just wasting my, and Chris Harrison's, suite sweet time.

Andi, you already had your 15 minutes of fame. Let Nick finish his 45.

The only moment of value in this conversation is Andi telling Nick to sleep with each of his final three, and then chastising him for the infamous "why did you make love with me" line. Oh, the good 'ole days when Nick still wore scarves.

Our rose ceremony is on a freezing NYC rooftop. The poor girls look incredibly uncomfortable. Would it have killed an intern to book a ballroom? Or at least warn the girls to wear long johns under their gowns?

FINALLY, after lasting about seven more episodes than anyone expected, Corinne gets dumped. She immediately starts to bawl. She then proceeds to say the MOST 24 year-old girl things ever and it kind of breaks my heart. She thinks she's getting dumped because she did something wrong (which even though she did, it sucks that she feels that way.) In the limo she promises to never kiss up to a man again, which ALL 24 year-old girls have said, albeit most in an Uber or Yellow Cab. Someone flips her off switch and she promptly passes out.

Bye. I won't miss you, but my scorecard will.

The Core Four don their passports and head to Finland to prove it's a real country. It's probably a good thing Corinne isn't making the trip. Being from Miami, she probably doesn't own a winter coat. On the flip side, she probably would have gone out and purchased the most obnoxious coat of all time.

Hei Finland

Raven gets the first date in Finland. They take a helicopter trip to look at snow covered snow. Then they wise-up, go indoors, and put on a beer blanket. They plan their future in which Nick cooks, Raven folds laundry (#thedream) then argue about the merits of ironing vs. steaming clothing. True romance is unfolding (<pun certainly intended.)

Some producer convinced Raven that it'd be a great idea to go over her non-existent orgasm history with Nick. Raven, dear, you're 👏  on 👏  national 👏 television👏 . Do you want porn producers to spoof you? Because this is how you get the attention of porn producers (or so I'd assume.) Aren't your family members watching this? Hey, I'm all for girl power, sexual equality and all, but discussing orgasms on TV just caught the attention of MY mother. I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS ORGASMS WITH MY MOTHER. Therefore, I fast forward until the end of their date. Thank goodness, too, because I don't think I could stand ten minutes of Nick in that miserable turtle neck.

End of Raven's overnight date and the editors do everything they can to say "SHE ORGASMED" without actually saying it. They put together an entire Disney-movie-like montage of snow angels, skipping, and birds. Thanks for taking all the mystery out of that one.

Next up we get America's latest sweetheart, Rachel. Every time I see Rachel I get these flashes of anger from ABC's spoilers, so apologies if I miss any details. R & N go cross country skiing together in Finland. As a lawyer from Texas, she's understandably horrible at it. Nick, with his 'Sconnie blood, can at least stand up for a hot cold sec.

Rachel on left. Nick in middle. CH (probably) on right.

Nick alludes to Rachel losing her mind after the volleyball game. A) didn't they all lose their minds? B) Why didn't ABC give us more of that? I feel totally cheated. This needs to be rehashed on Women Tell All. I NEED ANSWERS.

Maybe Rachel's not as intelligent as I originally thought....she's wearing a crop top in an arctic climate. If we can see your breath, we shouldn't see your navel.

They BOTH tell each other they're falling in L-word. Side note: Nick et all are treating "love" as if it were "Voldemort". The feeling-that-must-not-be-named is constantly referring to as an "it" throughout the entire episode, and it's starting to drive me nuts.

Of all the girls, Nick has the most chemistry with Rachel, which induces another round of the rage blackouts. I only snap back to when I notice that she's rocking a onesie the morning after Sexcapades with Nick. Props to you, girlfriend.

ABC PR team, you're on my bad side.

Vanessa is last of the three and she gets the date from hell. Seriously. This is my personal hell. They spend a day frolicking back and forth between a sauna and outdoor frozen ice bath, pretending it's a normal Finnish hobby. Did she piss off a producer at some point, or did they just think that since she's Canadian she's used to being literally frozen to death? First they made her vomit-sick in an airplane, and now they're making her flu-sick via abrasive temperature changes.

Hang in there, V.

Now that their immune systems are compromised, they get into normal intense talks about family, sacrifices and relationship deets. We learn that Nick is a Proud American. *Knucks* They neglect to factor Nick's Dancing with the Stars schedule into their plans. Rookie mistake.

Despite her judgey eyes, it's safe to say Vanessa is in the lead thanks to her practical approach to planning Life After Bach. She's also keeping some teams in the lead thanks to all of her tear points.

Rose Ceremony fashion report: V is rocking a DEEP V. Rachel's dress is FABULOUS. Raven is the only one intelligent enough to wear sleeves.

Raven gets rose numero yksi, and BUM BUM Vanessa gets rose numero kaksi. <- That's your Finnish lesson for the day.

Rachel gets the boot, which is sad because no one should ever have to cry in a dress that beautiful. 

Women Tell All came on after the ep, but honestly, after having the flu all week and being so frustrated with ABC, I can't stand another two hours of this junk. I'm sure the Twitterverse will inform me of anything "important" I missed.

Next week is finale week! Get your watch party together and send us pics of your winning and losing teams.

Love and Roses,

Julie

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