JoJo Week Three: Cowboy Take Chad Away

We are so excited to welcome our first guest blogger of the season, Sam Fisher! Sam joined the league for Ben's season and has brought so much wonderful snark to our Bach Waches over the last year. I'll let Sam take it from here.




Hello, Bachelorette Nation! I can't tell you how excited I am to be a guest blogger on Roses to Riches. To quote myself, "ever since I was a little girl, I always wanted to be a Bachelorette blogger." Dreams come true, you guys. Don't stop believing.

My Bach Blog application ^

Set your outlook calendar to busy, because for the next couple of minutes, we're going to recap last night's episode the right way: with a little sass, a little judgment, and a lot of "CHASE WHERE DID YOU COME FROM YOU BEAUTIFUL HUNK OF MAN." Pardon the shouting.

The first shots we get are of the house, which appears to be in total disarray after the previous rose ceremony. Chad and Daniel, arguably the episode's cutest couple, are discussing weights and also lifting them. Shocker. Chris Harrison walks in and explains that this week, the men are faced with two 1x1 dates and one group date. We also get a long, gratuitous shot of Luke's butt. **Cues up Anaconda by Nicki Minaj**

Cut to Chris Harrison cleaning up the toilet paper outside. We all know he isn't quite pulling a Ryan Seacrest salary...but I guess a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do to make a buck.

Chase gets the first 1x1. Let me just repeat my above sentiment...WHERE did Chase come from. Total dark horse. JoJo takes him to a yoga studio. All is fine and good, right?

Wrong. This is not your average yoga sesh. The instructor has them acting out temper tantrums, yelling "HEY. HEY. HEY. HEY." while awkwardly thrusting on their backs. She wants them to have a collective "ANGER-gasm." Both JoJo and Chase look puzzled by the instructor's use of "gasm" as a suffix, but their energy and enthusiasm breaks through all of the unease brought to the room by the instructor. Not very zen of her, IMO.

Back at the house, we get another quick glimpse of Chad and Daniel continuing to lift massive amounts of weights. Their biceps are literally bulging. We also get a shot of Evan doing air squats. A remarkably unimpressive exercise routine compared to his housemates. Do you even lift, bro? #soft

The date seems to be going well back at the yoga studio. The instructor asks JoJo to mount Chase (yes, please). They stare into each other's eyes for what seems like forever before Chase finally makes a move and kisses JoJo. Oddly enough, it turned out to be super hot and suddenly we're all feeling like we're in hot yoga with them. During "dinner," Chase opens up about being from a family of divorce. He's honest about not taking marriage lightly. Seems like a pretty obvious statement, but coming from Chase, it seems super genuine. I think it's because his shirt is so endearingly large. We can focus on his words and not his body.

He gets the rose, and he and JoJo enjoy the smooth sounds of Charles Kelly, one third of the country trio Lady Antebellum. Again, and sorry to repeat myself, but CHASE. I know it's early to form single-man teams, but #TeamChase.

The group date card is delivered to the house -- Jordan, Grant, Wells, James, Christian, Daniel, Ali, Nic, Vinny, Evan, Alex, Chad, Joseph, Tommy, Stephen, Hector, Christopher, Renaldo, George, Kevin, Marvin. I added a couple names there, but that's because it felt like everyone and their brother was invited on this group date. Chad isn't down with the number of dudes going and states that he would rather just stay behind. YEAH OKAY CHAD. Which leads me to a follow up question: did anyone explain to Chad how the Bachelorette Process works? It's like he's never seen the show before.

KIMOJI FTW

There's some uproar from the other dudes who didn't get the invite. Chad leaves the room because he hasn't eaten any meat in the last 20 minutes, and the men start devising a plan to take down the evil Chad in front of JoJo.

They arrive at a theater where JoJo is outside waiting for them with tickets in hand. The show turns out to be creepier than originally anticipated -- it's a show about awkward sexual experiences! Everyone's favorite thing! In true Bachelorette fashion, the men are tasked with sharing their most uncomfortable sexual incident. Not to poke the feminist bear, but just curious how this would have gone over if this were a date on the Bachelor? Something to think about.

Sidenote: this is my nightmare. It's one thing to share strange sexual experiences with your best friends while sitting on the couch drinking a bottle of red wine (#merlotmouth). QUITE another thing to share it with a) a live audience and b) millions of viewers watching the show.

No, thank you.

Grant talks about being caught in a forest preserve by police (funny), Nick B clearly knows the alphabet (uncomfortable), Daniel once cut a lock of a woman's hair (YO DANIEL YOU'RE CREEPY AF), and Wells had a threesome that might have involved bad gas (um, disgusting, but need more deets to be certain).

Then we get Evan's story. He decides to fall on the sword and go after Chad. He discusses the dangers of using steroids -- obviously meant as a blow to our fav Bach carnivore. What's funny is he's trying to make fun of Chad, all while being an ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION EXPERT. Let the countdown begin for Chad's inevitable beatdown of Evan.

Evan walks back to his seat and BOOM. IT HAPPENS. AN ACTUAL PHYSICAL ALTERCATION WORTH 7 POINTS. Evan tries to get to his seat, Chad grabs his v-neck (ugh...more about these fashion choices later) and rips it. JoJo is a little concerned but seems to sort of move on from the drama. Because it's Evan...and no one really likes him to begin with.

Chad invites JoJo to help participate in his storytelling. Says all this BS about "not talking about the past, but just talking about the future." He tries to kiss her and she gives him the ole cheek treatment. DEEE-NIED. I'm embarrassed for him.

As the men shuffle off stage, they head back to their greenroom and Chad goes up and kind of push-pokes Evan in the neck, saying, "You're gonna die." Chad then says again, off camera, that if he can't work out he is literally going to murder someone. Now listen, I definitely get the "it's 2 pm on a Tuesday, I've been sitting in my cube all day and I can feel my ass flattening by the minute" mentality, but I don't think I'd go as far as to say that I would literally KILL someone if I didn't get some squats in STAT. Do less, Chad. The guys make subtle and not-so-subtle references to Chad suffering from 'roid rage, which pisses him off even more. The screw that is Chad seems to be slowly, but surely, loosening.

Let the wrap party begin. Definitely a good idea to give alcohol to men who have outwardly discussed inflicting physical harm on other housemates. Can you guys see my eye roll through your screen?

Jordan opens up to JoJo about being cautious in relationships. JoJo wants Jordan to continue to be open with her -- they really do have a great connection. He is stable. JoJo also talks with Alex and Becky With The Good Hair Vinny With The Bad Hair, who both also provide a sense of security that JoJo clearly appreciates. Chad paces around the antique shop, listening to all the conversations JoJo is having. Such a fantastic juxtaposition of safety and security vs. Chad's overwhelmingly unpredictable behavior.

As the group waits around for one on one time with JoJo, Evan decides to poke the bear one more time. He asks Chad why he is here. I love the fact that Jordan was the one to originally plant the "take Chad down" seed and now he's keeping his mouth shut. He's basically making Evan do his dirty work and waiting for everyone to self-destruct. Absolutely genius.

The best geniuses are the evil ones.

Chad mentions that if people don't stop "bullying" him, there's nothing else to do but get physical. Real talk: Chad probably failed 1st grade. He finally gets the chance to talk to JoJo, who straight up tells him to stop being a bully. He tries to blame the v-neck incident on Evan and acts as if pipsqueak Evan scares him. **second eye roll of the night** JoJo comments that Chad has two sides to him -- a softer side (which JoJo sees) and a harder, mean side (which the men tell JoJo about). Shoutout to Rob, who correctly identified this as Sociopathic code switching.

Evan finally gets some time with JoJo, where he states that the only way he'll stay in the house is if Chad gets sent home. JoJo pretends to be torn between with the two guys...PSH. **Ugh my eye sockets hurt from all the eye rolls** It's like...Evan. You're wearing 500 bracelets, jeans with holes all over them, a v-neck that doesn't really fit you, hair that is too long in the front and too short in the back, AND you're a whiner. She isn't torn.

Not your strongest argument, Evan.

Naturally, we all think JoJo is going to choose Chad in this scenario. Because everyone would. Lesser of two evils maybe? Yet, she opts to give the rose to Evan. I've never felt that the producers intervened with the rose selection before, but guys, THE PRODUCERS HAD TO HAVE INTERVENED WITH THE ROSE SELECTION HERE. How good was Chad's reaction when he saw Evan with the rose, though? "Is this for real? You're actually vibing THIS guy??" Just the best. Chad gets some lip from JoJo for that disrespectful comment. Chad is a ticking time bomb that is just a few beautiful ticks away from exploding.

Very little sense is going on with that rose. VERY little.

The next 1x1 was with James Taylor. I can't get over his name, but I'm trying. They look SO cute all dressed up for what looks like a 50's date. James has a smile from ear to ear and JoJo's hair is on POINT. One problem though -- James' suspenders aren't attached to his pants! They're just hanging there! Did anyone else notice that? Whatever, James is so fantastic, he could attach the suspenders to his ears and I wouldn't care.

It's a swing dancing date! And James can't dance! And no one cares! Because he is enthusiastic and energetic! He is so outgoing and excitable and it's such a breath of fresh air.

Except in this situation, the waitress is totally vibing him.

Back at the house, Daniel and Chad are having a conversation out on the porch. He also urges Chad to be less like Hitler and more like Mussolini. WHAT. **Remember Daniel is from Canada** Chad, thankfully, asks not to be called either of them, which is the only thing Chad has done right thus far in the season.

Even Chad is confused by Daniel's psychotic mutterings.

The 1x1 evening date is at the top of some California canyon. I love how James takes the attention off himself and asks JoJo what her favorite part of the date was. He needs to get out of the friend zone, and fast. He explains that he was made fun of as a kid and that he often feels unworthy of love from attractive women. It's such an honest moment and I love it. James isn't completely perfect, but he is genuine. And caring. And kind. He gets the rose but opts for a hug instead of a kiss. We all shout at him from the living room. Then, as if that wasn't enough, he does the unthinkable. He gets his guitar out. **eyes finally roll out the back of my head and onto the ground behind me** For some reason, JoJo really loves it though. The date ends with a kiss which pulls James out of the friend zone. Thank God!

Instead of a cocktail party this week, there is going to be an all-day pool party. Before that can begin, though, Evan has to continue his nagging ways with a quick conversation with Chris Harrison re: Chad. Such a tattletale. It's like, EVAN... YOU. HAVE. A. ROSE. BACK. OFF. JEE. ZUS. Chris Harrison, being the concerned father figure all these men clearly need, pulls Chad aside to tell him to fix the situation.

Chad rips off his microphone and proceeds to storm back into the house. All signs point to Chad not fixing the situation, but hey, did we actually think it would play out any differently?

This will NOT end well for Evan.

The episode ends on that note. Will Evan survive the pool party? Will JoJo finally oust Chadbrochill? Tonight's episode should be exciting!

Thanks so much for reading, guys! See you soon at The Nest!

To Love, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Roses
- Sam