Ben H Finale: Jamaican Me Love You

Final week, Baches. This rose is for the whole kit and caboodle. Some of you ended the night as winners, the rest of you ended the night just as bored as you started. Speaking for myself, I ended the night $20 poorer with a nasty case of merlot mouth.

This episode was brought to you by Producers Choice Waterproof Mascara! The only brand that will keep your smoky eye on point through your worst public heartbreak. More on that later.

Both contestants must be using paraffin wax-based makeup, because DAYUM.

This week takes us to...jk we're still in Jamaica. Did someone leave an expensive straightener in the hotel or something, because I feel like this is the first time ABC has repeated the same locale twice in a season. Maybe the producers just wanted another hit of that Jamaican Kush to get through this snoozer of a season. Whatever the reason, Sandals Resort is getting all kinds of screen time and making me never want to go there ever.

The first 40 minutes of the episode feel like a loop of the same interviews.
"I never expected the producers to make me profess my love to two people" - Ben
"This is, like, crazy" - Lauren B
"Does this neon bikini make me look thirsty?" - Jojo
"You're immature and embarrassing" - Ben's mother
Repeat these quotes infinitely and you've written a transcript of the episode.

Ben LOVES lamp.

Lauren B gets the first parents-on-one date. She tells them how it's embarrassing, but she's been waiting “since their first date” to meet his parents, which isn't that weird because a) that first date was about a month ago and b) meeting the parents means you're winning, and no one auditioned for this show hoping to lose. She's using the classic power move of calling his parents by their first names, which is something I will be terrified of until the day I die. Srsly y'all, I dated a guy for five years and still referred to his mom as Mrs. Loser-face (real names have been replaced for privacy purposes.) Parents are scary.

Post parent date Lauren and Ben get all snuggly. My watch party is convinced of Ben's sincerity. Lauren throws in some added value to her worth by saying she'll, like, TOTALLY say yes if he proposes.

Luv ya, Courtney!

Next up Jojo meets the parents. Her bouquet for Mama Higgins is far inferior in size and floral variety, sealing her fate as second place. I don't know about you, but ABC spilled ALL the suspense beans with that props department plant. Jojo must know it too because she spends the whole time groveling and begging his parents to like her. It's unpleasant.

Sidebar, can we start having the potential in-laws meet? I’d love to see Mama Higgins hardcore judging Mama Jojo. Or, plot twist, maybe Mrs. Higgins and Jojo Sr. would become best drinking buddies. Either way, I think the week after hometowns ABC adds an episode where the parents are locked in a house where they stop being polite and start getting real (sidebar-squared, did I just come up with the Nick at Night version of the Real World? Viacom, call me to discuss).

According to Ben's mom:

Lauren = polished.

Jojo = more in love with you than you are her.

Both great qualities. Flip a coin. Either way you're still a disappointment.

Mama Higgins wondering why Ben couldn't find a nice non-television girl.

More of the same Ben talking head:
"Blah blah blah I'm so torn, they're both pretty, blah"
We get it, you’re torn. You don’t love one more than the other and you’ll never totally be satisfied because you’ll always think “what if?” We get it.

Both girls get final dates including boats and bikinis. They're both throwing all their Hail Mary passes and we're sitting here wondering just HOW these kids are so bad at communicating. Yea, they're barely old enough to rent a car, but they all went to college. They should be able to verbalize their thoughts on practical life decisions.

“Like, its crazy. I’m, like, at peace with you. Like, I like-you like you but, like, I don’t know. I’m, like, emotional about it.” You’re making millennials look bad and causing me to finish my bottle of wine faster than usual. 

Jojo comes through with the saddest moment of the night: “He’s my best friend. This is the best relationship I've ever been in." Let's deep dive into how heartbreaking this is, shall we?
a) You met him a month ago. Do you not have any girlfriends? PSA to men: NEVER trust a girl without girlfriends. It's a sign of serious crazy.
b) Sucks to be Chad, lawlz.
c) This man is dating someone else at the same time he is dating you. You're saying that this boy who is effectively cheating on you (granted, with permission) is more devoted to you than ANY other guy you've ever been with? You need to have a sit down with Dr. Chris Harrison, our Lord, Savior and Therapist, to discuss making better choices. Luckily, you're going to have that chance.

Turns out this is the perfect visual representation of Jojo's love life.

Jojo's also a little quick to throw out the "baaaabbbbe" title. There are few things I dislike more than this pet name.

Ok, sorry team. I'll try to be a little more positive about Jojo and the current sitch. I'll put my cynicism in the recycling bin with the wine bottles I've already finished. See above for detail.

I will award some mental brownie points to Jojo for confronting him at the end of the last night. She straight out asks him if he's choosing her. Eyes are rolled (you go girl!) and shit is called out. She pulls him into a bathroom stall for privacy [insert half-baked joke about my typical first dates] and the convo gets real. He tells her all about his feelings for Lauren. They proceed to sob and whine about how they don’t like the rules they signed up for.

Flash forward to a visit from every girls' best friend: Neil Lane, the Keeper of the Diamonds. Neil Lane probably pays more in sponsorship per year than I’m going to make in forever, but boy do I love seeing him. Take note, Manwich. This is how TV sponsorship is done right!

Ben picks a ring and a girl. Oh goody!

The Losercopter arrives and it's.............. JOJO.

She knows it's over almost immediately due to his lack of smiling. According to Kelly, he looks dead in the eyes. Sun's too high for a proposal, Jojo. You should have expected this.

In typical soul crushing fashion, ABC lets her finish her closing argument before the traditional dumping. I wish he could just shake his head when she opened the helicopter door so we could spare ourselves some emotions. De-heel and run away, girlfriend.

He does the ceremonious Dumping of the Other. She goes home with some class. Chad, if you're reading, now's your chance to pounce.

Ben takes a minute or two to get over it. Pan to his sweaty back and bad case of swass. They toss an ice pack down his pants (this isn't hyperbole) and on to the next one.

Prior to the Winnercopter's arrival, Ben makes all traditional gals swoon and all modern gals cringe. He calls Lauren's dad for proposal approval. This adorable/chauvinistic act causes folks at my watch party to crack with emotions. Thankfully, I held on to my stoicism strong. 

The proposal happens. Ben and Lauren are all kinds of cute. They say some super adorable stuff to convince us that love is real (I'm still on the fence about that one.) Quote of the night: “I want to wake up every morning and kiss you ON THE FACE." As opposed to where, Benny Boy? Despite all my wishes, they throw in some cheesy "you're my person" lines that reek of ABC self promotion.

TGIT is the real winner here.

And that's that. They walk off into their sunset backdrop.

Great season, league members! And big deal here, for the first time drafting the winner on your team DID NOT guarantee a place on the RtR podium! Several teams that drafted Lauren B landed in fourth or fifth place. Proof is in the non fat pudding, folks; balance your team with winners and crazies.

Keep an eye out for details on next season. Important: Roses to Riches WILL NOT be handling the cash money next season (it's screwing with our personal budgeting) so once Jojo's promo starts running, get your own pools together and make your own financial obligation choices. We'll still handle score keeping, but y'all are old enough to gamble on your own.

This is what all my dreams are made of.

Send us feedback for game improvements or new categories!

Love and Roses,
Julie
League Commissioner

WINNERS' CIRCLE

Chicago Winners

Team Maggie B.
Team Rachel P.
Team Shari: The Mascara Runners (also my fav name, beeteedubs)
Team Alex + Joanne
Team Kellie K.

Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Mary Clare (2nd); Team Audrey: Ben's Batshit Bitches (3rd)
Team Anne H. (2nd); Katie's Klassy Ladies (3rd + wine!)
Team Brittany: Emergency Fantasy Suite (2nd + wine!); Team Lora: The Rose Ceremony is Cancelled (3rd)
Team Jason L. (2nd); Team Rachel B. (3rd)

Honorable mention goes to Gaslight Pub.

Nashville Winners

Team Emily
Team K. Fockler

Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Zach (2nd); Team Catherine (3rd)
Team Morgan (2nd); Team K. Skinny (3rd)

Lexington Winners

Team Simon

Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Rachel (2nd); Team Ben (3rd)

New York City Winners

Team Courtney S.

Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Anna S. (2nd); Team Winny H. (3rd)

Hoes in Different Area Codes

Team Laura + Kelly

Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Laura P. (2nd); Team Allee (3rd)

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Ben H Week Nine: If You Choose to Forgo Your Individual Dignities...

I’m taking back the blog reins this week! I have missed it so much. Guest bloggers, you were so wonderful and you did a fantastic job and I am so grateful. But I have to admit I was feeling dethroned by my own empire. It was unsettling. SO I’M BACK. But don't call it a comeback.

This week's episode has a lot of meat to it (heh). What/who will go down in the fantasy suites? Who will Ben say “I love you” to? Will Caila deliver on her Sex Panther promises?

Speaking of Caila, I do need to make one major clarification. There has been some confusion as to whether or not Caila is a minority and should be earning points for her Filipino heritage. It was a gray area because the category originated as “Black Guy Points” before ABC started to diversify their diversity. After much debate among the commissioners, it has been decided that Caila is indeed a minority. The RtR qualification for minority is whether the person would check something other than “white” when filling out the census. Since we had not been awarding minority points thus far, this week we will award all 40 minority points Caila should have earned in Weeks 1 through 8. Roses to Riches sincerely apologizes for any inconvenience, disappointment or outrage this may cause.

Now that the pleasantries are out of the way (or unpleasantries, depending on how you drafted), let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on.

The peanut gallery is debating the hotness of Ben. Group consensus: he’s hot but approachable. Elizabeth and Sam consensus: he is a flawless human specimen. We learn that Rob S. knows three straight women who don’t find him attractive at all. They can see themselves out.

Exotic locations! Jamaica! Ben needs to be wearing white linen pants and nothing else, pls and thx.

Caila gets the first date. Question: would you rather be first or last during Fantasy Suite week? Pros and cons to both. I would say first, for a variety of reasons. Discuss in the comments.

Ben: "Will I be able to get below the clothes surface of Caila?"
Producer: "Probs."

Caila reiterates that her biggest fear is that she can’t love. I don’t think she realizes that she sounds like a character on Criminal Minds. And not in a good way, like the love interest of SSA Derek Morgan. She is the sociopath serial killer. Guess the apples in that family don't fall far from the tree.

Derek, you slay me.

Caila and Ben have nothing to talk about on their bamboo float ride through the lazy river of Jamaica. Really bodes well for their future together.

They get to the second part of the date and suddenly Caila is Ben's chattiest friend. She's been holding in words all day and now she’s just vomiting them at Ben in the most uncomfortably staged conversation.

Caila: "I can't love anyone but when I'm with you I feel happy and my gut tells me I'm wrong but I love you question mark?"
Ben: "Can we get to the sex part now?"

Seriously, what just happened? When Caila talks she does a bunch of 180s and somehow ends up facing the right direction. Ben can only focus on the sex jaguar panther. He hands her the Fantasy Suite card. She reads it.

And then, Ben gives her a look that sends women and gay men across America into a tizzy and in need of a cold shower. I don't think I have words to suffice. Only gifs. We rewound it many many times, and I've immortalized it here for you. You're welcome.

LOOK AT HIS HUNGRY EYES. Game over.

We can assume they boned since that's obviously the only reason Caila is still here. There's no way he can actually like her. She is an ABC-manufactured Bachelor robot with the fatal flaw of not being able to love. Back to the drawing board, interns. Rework that prototype.

[Probably a few hours later...]

Lauren walks weird. It looks like she's chafing, which is unfortunate. Plus it's super hot in Jamaica so her inner thighs are probably on fire, and not in the fun way.

Lauren and Ben release baby turtles into the ocean!!! This is so precious. The turtles are cute as can be, Ben and Lauren are smitten with each other and the turtles, and did we already talk about how cute the turtles are? They're teeny tiny and so excited to swim! My ovaries are freaking out right now.

They have a serious conversation.
Ben: "I cried in front of your sister." 
Lauren: "Ya I know she told me lol"

They have a "you're too good for me" // "no, YOU'RE too good for ME" conversation, which is a marginally more mature version of "you hang up first" // "no YOU hang up first!" 

Lauren says I love you to Ben. And he says it back! She looks pretty surprised. Probably because the entire time up until now they've all been BEGGING Ben for some real affection and he has been very diplomatic about it. Guess now all bets are off. They are cute together. At this point the competition is Lauren's to lose. 

Sidebar: Sandals Resort is getting more screen time than Chris Harrison which I feel is very disrespectful to Our Lord and Savior.

In the morning Ben makes Lauren breakfast brings in the tray of room service ordered by the interns. He calls her honey. 

FML.

Ominous clouds before Jojo's date.

Jojo baby talks to Ben and it’s very unappealing. Better than baby talking to dogs, though. 

Second sidebar. PSA: If you have a dog and a Y chromosome, baby talk is off the table. Talk to your dog like a damn man. If your voice gets higher than mine and your words are unintelligible, you need to reevaluate your strategy immediately. [This sentiment reflects the feelings of one person and not the thoughts and opinions of the Roses to Riches organization as a whole (i.e. Julie's cool with it.)]

[More hours and sexy times later...]

Jojo gets a nudity censorship box! Jojo says I love you. Ben says I love you! WHAT IS HAPPENING?! Jojo (computer keeps correcting this to mojo) looks genuinely surprised to hear that Ben loves her. Ben's going completely rogue on the Bachelor franchise rules.

Jojo: "Are you allowed to say that?"
Ben: "Well I already said it to Lauren sooooo..."

Mojo and Lauren both think they're winning this thing. I vote Jojo for next Bachelorette! It would make sense because there have been rumblings about a "more diverse" Bach-ette and before Jojo’s mom was plastic, Jojo's mom was Persian (shoutout to Persians). Something to think about.

Ben doesn’t say I love you as emphatically to Jojo as he does to Lauren. 

Jojo: "I love you a lot." 
Ben: "I love you I’M SORRY I'M ABOUT TO BREAK YOUR HEART."

These people read the fantasy suite date card as if they have no idea what it's going to say. Corinne knows this date card by heart. 

I pledge allegiance to the rose of Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison.
And to true love, for which it stands -
Bachelor Nation, under ABC, THE MOST DRAMATIC, with date cards and helicopters for all.

*curtsey*

Cut to the next morning, Ben is walking weird. Jojo did crazy things to him last night.

The producers send in psycho Caila to surprise Ben. They give her the crazy music so we know this will not end well. Caila is never going to surprise any man ever again.  

They sit down for a chat.
Ben: "I’ve been thinking about the ups and downs of this process. Heads up, you’re about to be in a down moment."

He breaks up with her. Caila’s sad and wishing she was wearing a whole shirt. They say goodbye and in typical Caila-acting-like-her-life-is-a-movie-script fashion, she jumps out of the car while it's still moving to get one last word in with Ben. She basically pulls a half-Nick V, asking (in so many words) "why did you make love to me if you weren't in love with me?" Welcome to being a woman, Caila. Ben gives her a generic response and she gets back in the car. Buh-bye.

Observations from The Nest
Gena: "I could never be the Bachelorette, I have enough trouble telling my Tinder dates I don’t want to go on a second one."
Sam: "This is such an effed up show."

Good talk, guys.

The remaining ladies arrive at the Good Hope Great House rehab facility for the rose ceremony. Jojo really pulls out the stops with these rose ceremony dresses. Lauren...not so much this week because she clearly thinks she's got this in the bag. I'm surprised she's even wearing makeup. Can't let yourself go yet, Lauren, it ain't over till it's over! While they're "waiting for Caila to arrive" they make small talk about the week they just had. 

Jojo: "Sooo…how was it for you?" 
Lauren: "How was it for you?" 
Jojo: "I asked you first."  

Default roses awarded all around. Group hug because Ben loves both of you! 

Vintage Ben Higgins.

We're down to the final two ladies! I can't believe the season is almost over. Next week is Women Tell All. No points will be awarded during this episode. There also will not be a blog post. I'm giving you a week's notice so you have ample time to find a replacement highlight for your Tuesday. 

If you're in Chicago, please plan to join us March 14 for the finale! We'll be watching at Gaslight Bar (where we had Draft Night). More details to come. Save the date.

Standings have changed a bit since the alterations re: Caila, so check how your team is doing going into the final episode!

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth

League Commissioner

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