Andi Week Three: Hit the Road, Lamp.

Wowie. Two episodes, jam packed with a roller coaster of emotions. Not Marcus' emotional roller coaster that only keeps going up, which is actually just an escalator. We were all over the place. There was excitement, shock, giddiness and genuine sadness. Crazy times in the Bachelor Mansion. Actually, no! This week was traveling! The group left the mansion and adventured out to meet up with Andi in...Santa Barbara. Which is basically like leaving Chicago to go have sexy time in Schaumburg. Or Lake Geneva. You pick, whatever gets you going.

EPISODE 1

Nick V got the first one-on-one date out in the burbs! He seems pretty pessimistic about The Process, as any rational human being would and should be. “I mean, let’s be honest, what are the chances this is actually gonna work out?” They have a totally normal day of a camera crew following them around while they ride bikes and go hiking. High fives for being average. Turns out Nick V has an adorable 12-year-old crush on Andi and it’s the cutest. Nick V said some of the most intelligent things anyone has ever said on the show. We all love him.

Group date cast is comprised of Brian, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brett, Ron, Bradley, Josh M, Eric, Andrew, Patrick, and Marcus. They start the day off by meeting Boyz II Men (!!!!!) and performing one of their songs to a crowd that looks hugely disappointed. We learn that Eric touched his first butt while listening to a Boyz II Men song. And Josh M. admits that “this is the first time [he's] going to be using [his] voice to impress a woman.” Were you including speaking and having conversations there, Josh M? I definitely believe that.

Boyz II Men is pretty charming. If I were the Bachelorette I’d probably just call the show off and leave with one of them. But wait, we saw Marcus shirtless earlier so might have to rethink that. Marquel loved the Boyz too: “We are #blessed to have this opportunity to perform with Boyz II Men!!!” I wrote that down because he said blessed.

"Andi invades Boyz II Men performance" <-- actual headline from article where I found this picture

Cody anticipated embarrassment and offered a preemptive disclaimer/apology to Andi before they went on stage. “Hey, whatever happens, this is an awesome experience.” I mean…what do you think is gonna happen, bro?

Turns out he was right, he should’ve been worried. They butchered the song. Kids covered their ears with one hand while they googled Boyz II Men with the other. We all drank appropriately at the key change.

During the wrap party, some funny things happened.

• Andi instigating fake drama!!! Told Cody/Hulk that she heard he had a girlfriend...AND THAT SHE'S A STRIPPER HAHAHA WHATTTTT. He took it well. He’s weird but funny I guess.
• Marquel: "What's your favorite color?" Andi: "Ummmm, is black a color? ;)" -convo with the black guy
• Marcus kisses Andi but he warns her first. I hate when they do that.
• Josh M. always wants to make out instead of talk and Andi is completely falling for it. I admit, I panicked a little during their snog sesh and screamed, “NO!!! They’re not getting to know each other!!!” at the TV. A producer needs to intervene next time. Ugh he got the rose he’s such a player. Get a clue, Andi, all athletes are the same. Especially "former" athletes.
• Mullet lamp dude looks really bored and sad during this date and in fact doesn't get a single word in the entire episode.

The next date card arrives during bro time in the hot tub with Dylan, Iowa and Pantsapreneur. Pantsapreneur gets a one-on-one! Pantsapreneur! He arrives to pick up Andi and he seems cute. Then camera pans wide and all of America vomits when they see his pants. How is this a thriving business? Pants and Andi channel Mrs. Doubtfire and become old people for the day. Pants: "If that’s the way that Andi looks when she’s 80, where do I sign up?" Presh. They really go all out with the acting too, they both sound like they have severe emphysema. The two oldies get MadCat scooters and scoot around town saying “this is the life” then trick some young kids by playing football, riding real scooters, swinging and making out in their 80 year old getup. Pantsapreneur pulls the classic grandpa move and gives Andi a Werther’s he's been keeping in his pocket. They're actually pretty cute. He gets a rose.

Serious tragic note: Ron removed himself from the competition. Points awarded.

At the cocktail party, Eric seems really hung up on his first date and is getting worried about The Process. Nick interrupted Eric's one-on-one time though with a sneaky bouquet of flowers! Completely threw Eric off his game, poor guy. I blame Andi there, that was totally her bad for reading the novel note in front of him.

Apparently Andrew got some chick’s number at a restaurant recently and was bragging about it to the other dudes. Josh M. and Pantsapreneur find this disrespectful and confront him privately. Andrew “chooses not to engage” and locks himself in his bedroom to pout like a grown ass man. They tell him to man the f*** up. Verbal altercation points. Andrew also uses a lot of war verbiage during this encounter: they’re attacking me, they see me as a threat, mano a mano, ready for battle, start a fight, I'm not going to attack them, etc. etc.

We said goodbye to mullet lamp dude and Bradley, the opera singer. Maybe Andi will introduce him to Sharleen! Bradley squeezed out a man tear during his departure speech, the first of the season. (Un)sympathetic cheering followed.

Hands on hips. MFEO?

EPISODE 2

The gang finally leaves the greater LA area. And they actually leave California! They head to the magical, romantic land of…….Connecticut. Womp.

Dylan got the first one-on-one this week. He told his sob story and got a pity rose which Andi insisted wasn't a pity rose. They didn't eat, he didn't smile, and he needs to sit up straight. Tears all around. Next.

Group date! The guys play basketball against some girl pros. Excuse me, where was Skylar Diggins? We decided they couldn’t bring her on because she’s too hot and the guys might like her better than Andi. Sorry, Andi. JJ’s (Pantspreneur) shirt says Jj which is cool. The lady ballers kill it and completely school the guys. Then the bros divide up and play each other. The Rosebuds vs. Team Hand Drawn Hearts (courtesy of ABC’s star intern).

The Rosebuds dominate. Corinne points out: “They have the black guy and the basketball coach on the same team. That’s definitely cheating.” Marquel affirms his skills by telling us that "cream rises to the top." Under-developed, unfinished metaphor for cream of the crop? (side note: we are swooning over Marquel)

Is Andi going to make an exception and let them all come on the date, a la Desiree? Nope. She’s a lawyer. There’s always a winner and a loser in the law. Sucks to suck. Team Hand Drawn Hearts heads back to the hotel. Josh M insists that he's not a sore loser but is totally acting like a sore loser. Okay, Josh M, what do you expect? It's Panstapreneur, the farmer and the wedding planner vs. the black guy and the basketball coach? Come on.

COACH (Brian) MADE A HALF COURT SHOT ON DEMAND FOR ANDI AND DIDN’T KISS HER OMG. But he got the group date rose yay.

Marcus' one-on-one date is devastatingly perfect. (Y'all, I’m such a sucker for a guy in a great pea coat. Julie thinks "it’s what’s under the pea coat that counts." That could go either way.) I didn't type anything during their repelling adventure down the one building in Connecticut because it was so freakin cute. He calmed her down and totally took charge like a boss. Such a man. Apparently Andi was testing his protective nature. He passed. They eat dinner at the oldest working inn in America, which the producers whispered in Andi’s ear before they started rolling the camera. I’m imagining Marcus without facial hair. It’s a good thing he has facial hair because he would probably look 17. Does Andi feel like she has the upper hand since she’s older? He’s so hot. I’m intrigued.

Andi gets a letter from a secret admirer! We know it’s not from Marquel because (SPOILER) the b-roll of the letter being written shows a white hand. We don't actually find out who the letter is from in this episode. Hopefully next week.

Cocktail party musings:

• Andi says “this (The Process) is working for me” which sucks for everyone who hasn’t talked to her yet because clearly she wasn’t referring to them. 
• Remember on America's Next Top Model, how Miss Jay's outfits got flashier and more outrageous each week of the competition? I wish Tasos’ ear gauges were like that.
• Andi finally kissed Brian and her foot popped! SO Mia Thermopolis of her.
• I think Julie likes Marquel more than I like Marquel. Definitely more than Andi likes Marquel. Andi said he “cracks her up” which = The Friend Zone.

Eric and Andi have major differences about The Process and they both agree that isn't going to work. Unceremonious elimination/self removal. This is really sad because it's the last time Andi talks to him. The episode ends on a somber note in remembrance of Eric.

Points and standings are up here. Rob and Katharine are leading their respective leagues. If you have a team name, let us know!

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie

League Commissioners