Andi Week Five: The One Where ABC Finally Addresses Racism

Well folks, we're about halfway through the season, so it is prime time for these bratty men to get all jet lagged and cranky. This week's episode featured two hours of men on their man-periods, so hold on to your evening gowns...

Finally out of Connecticut, the group travels to Marseille, France. Chris Harrison made the cut for this flight, which was exciting. We missed him and his therapy sessions last season.

The first date went to Jockstrap, aka Josh M. He spent most of the day whining about how he is a misunderstood baseball player, but everyone continually ignores the fact that he is a former baseball player. He quit the sport when he was 22 and he apparently hasn't done anything even mildly interesting since then. We know this because he does not talk about anything BUT baseball. He is trying desperately to convince Andi that he's NOT a cheater, which is red flag number one. Also she is totally falling for the whole "I haven't dated anyone in five years" thing, which, DUH because boning does not equal dating. Everyone knows that. Anyway, Josh M has perfected the art of smooth talking. Good for him. He got a rose. To his credit, he is probably a great kisser, but in the words of Sharleen, he and Andi are likely "missing that cerebral connection."

ABC continues to perpetuate cultural stereotypes and the group date consisted of a mime lesson. As if some of these guys weren't creepy enough, now they're being taught to silently harass locals. At least the activity got them to shut up for a while...probably a welcome while for Andi. Personal favorite mime was Marquel, which makes sense because we've been commenting on his crazy eyes since episode one, and every mime needs crazy eyes. Second favorite mime was Nick V. Nick V wore his grumpy pants and pouted like a little brat the whole time. Andi called him salty at least seven times. Least favorite was Cody, who decided to grace us with his poetry: "I've got my mime on my money and my money on my mime." STAHP. Every time Cody opens his mouth my uterus flares up and reminds me that men are the inferior gender. #girlpower #deepV

During the cocktail party the boys were either jet lagged, hangry, or menstruating because they were all having temper tantrums and going all Regina George on each other. They chalk it up to jealousy over a girl they've had approximately 2.5 conversations with, each. I lost track of the number of verbal altercation points awarded (jk, it's in the GoogleDoc) but Cody accused Nick of bullying (you're a mean jerk!), Marquel accused Andrew of racism (blackie? really?), and Patrick just started bickering for the sake of bickering. Marquel's encounter did not qualify for verbal altercations since no voices were raised. Classiest conflict resolution in Bachelor history. Where was that on the episode teaser, Chris Harrison?? It was a surprising end to that incident, considering these bros are simultaneously being egged on by drama-chasing producers and pumped with alcohol. These Bachelors are finally starting to learn from each others' mistakes. It's like we're watching a species evolve every Monday.

JJ got the rose on the group date, even though Marcus pulled out the "I'm falling in love with you" card (5pts).

BBall Brian got next date and was super adorable at first, even while ABC was trying to shove a movie advertisement down our throats. Instead of an actual date activity in gorgeous southern France, the two were stuck in a small barn cuddling and talking about how great this movie was, even though I have a strong feeling they were just watching a blank screen for 15 minutes. After the "movie" they attempted to cook dinner, which took Brian miles out of his comfort zone. If his comfort zone is a basketball court, they were cooking on a soccer field, in a neighboring town. Homeboy was quiet, awkward, and pouty, but he resisted the urge to ask Andi to just make him a sandwich, so mad props, bro. The dinner turned out horrible (shocker), so they went out for dinner and Brian started acting like a normal human again. She got over his sulkiness real fast, made out with him, and gave him a rose. Brian is the king of rebounds. He always misses the first shot (EXCEPT THE HALF COURT SHOT OMG) but comes back strong.


When the cocktail party rolled around, there was no cocktail party. Andi got all dolled up only to tell us that there would be no cocktail party, aka no last ditch efforts to save their asses, and we went right into the rose ceremony. We watched the men turn in to shriveling, insecure little bitches, not knowing who would end up on the chopping block. "I love male insecurity! I feed off it." Defying all logic, but not defying the producers, Andi kept Cody and dropped Marquel, like a complete moron. She also dropped Andrew and Patrick, but no one really cared about them anyway. Pretty sure Andrew and Patrick have the hots for each other so maybe that will work out for the best. Marquel earned double man-tear points for the night, and he also earned my vote for next bachelor.

Points are up. Rob is leading Pool 1 while Katharine and Kelly are tied for first in Pool 2.

FYI, points for roses will start to incrementally increase starting next week now that we're down to 9 guys. Roses at the end of the next ceremony with be worth 2 each.


Love and Roses,
Julie and Elizabeth
League Commissioners