Week Eight (Part One) Recap: Give Me Back My Hometown

Well, we made it to hometowns. And what a journey it was. Let's not waste any time here.

Nikki
Nikki hails from Kansas City and told us she wants to see how much of a cowboy Juan Pablo really is. First of all, are there really cowboys in Kansas City? No, really. I'm curious. That's one of the last places I'd look for a cowboy. Second of all, didn't Nikki watch JP on Desiree's season? He obviously is a cowboy because he dressed up like one when they snuck off from the group date to watch that crappy Disney movie together. But I digress.

Nikki took Juan Pablo to eat barbecue and then to ride a mechanical bull. Thinking about it now, she probably should have done those things the other way around. Being jerked around by a machine is probably the last thing JP wanted to do after gorging on subpar BBQ (sorry, I'm from Memphis...had to). But he seemed to enjoy himself while he was eating. Way to go, Nikki, playing the age-old move of winning a man over with food. 

The pair then headed to Nikki's family's house, and Nikki confessed to the camera, her mother, and America that she's madly in love with Juan Pablo and really believes in this process. Those words have pretty much solidified her as the next Bachelorette if she loses. She chickened out didn't say the magic words to JP, but her parents overwhelmingly approved of Juan Pablo and Nikki's dad gave him the marriage blessing. Bless his heart. 

Andi
The federal prosecutor brought Juan Pablo down south to Atlanta and took him immediately to the gun range. Classic. Props to Andi for actually being a decent shot and handling a massive firearm with ease while sporting an arm full of bangles and a giant watch. Girl's got skills. She further cemented her superiority by yelling "MISS!!!" after JP air balled his first shot. 

At dinner, Andi's family expressed mild concern about the fact that Juan Pablo was dating multiple women, as if this was some sort of shock to them. Juan Pablo asked for approval and Andi's dad gave the most reasonable answer we've ever heard on the show (i.e. what I would expect from any normal father). JP can be welcomed into the family if and only if Andi is the ONLY woman for him. I mean...duh. Why haven't any of the other fathers said that before? Dads of future Bach-ies, take note. 

Andi said she is close to starting to fall in love with Juan Pablo. Meaning she's miles behind Nikki. Pick up the pace, girl.

Renee
Sweet, sweet Renee. She's too good for this show. I forgot where she's from (Florida, maybe?) but she and Juan Pablo just hung out and watched her adorable son's baseball game/highlight reel. Seriously, the kid is a baller. She's wearing basically no makeup and she's totally the coolest mom ever. Juan Pablo is an idiot. Then he spends time with her parents while she puts her son to bed and they are basically the most precious family together already. 

Renee tells her mom that she is in love with Juan Pablo. :( She chickens out when she has the chance to tell him. Overall, Renee is he best one, clearly. We also saw later that a bird dropped a whole sandwich on her head and she just laughed about it. SOMEONE JUST MARRY RENEE, DAMNIT. SHE DESERVES IT.

Clare
Last, and certainly least, Juan Pablo headed out to Sacramento to hang out with Clare and see where all her crazy came from (she didn't get there on her own...right, Nikki?). First they went to a pond where Clare showed some legitimate emotion, making all of us want to call our dads right away. Then they switched gears and C tossed Juan Pablo into a pond of estrogen at her house, introducing him to her mother and FIVE sisters. Good God.

Clare's sister Laura got oddly territorial over their mom, not allowing her to speak at all and then pouting just outside the camera view. Julie kindly pointed out that "that's what happens when you're the fat sister." We also learned that Clare's parents got engaged after three weeks of knowing each other, meaning Clare has been destined for this show since before she was even a tiny thought in her parents' minds. She told us that she would accept a proposal from JP in a heartbeat, but she did not specifically say that she was in love. We shall see.

When they were all gathered back in Miami, we collectively wondered whether any of the girls would throw out a Hail Mary "I Love You" in a last-ditch effort to get a rose and stick around. We were disappointed. Juan Pablo made the biggest mistake of his life and sent Renee home, keeping Andi, Clare and Nikki for fantasy suite dates. We've seen disastrous previews for these encounters so we expect nothing short of greatness. Luckily we only have to wait a few more hours before we get another dose of drama. FANTASY SUITES TONIGHT!


J-Money's Dime$ are now worth zero. Justice was holding on with just Renee but now she's down for the count. Though no one will be able to catch up with MC's McSluts, the gap is closing for second and third places. It'll be a tight finish.

Week eight standings, in descending order. Roster updates can be viewed here.

182 points - MC's McSluts

130 points - Elizabeth's Slam Pieces

 108 points - Cooney's Cunts

106 points - Audrey's Fetch Betches
103 points - Julie's Jezebels
99 points - J$'s Dime$

81 points - Shannon's Slutty Senoritas

80 points - Corinne's Circle of Bitches 
69 points - Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

25 points - Maggie's Maids of Mischief

Will you assept deez deuces?

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Week Seven Recap: In Miami, Betch

This week Team JP headed back to the good ole US of A to spend some quality time in Miami. One group date and two Juan-on-Juan dates. (WHY HAVEN'T WE BEEN SAYING THIS THE WHOLE TIME? So many Juan puns, damnit.)

Sharleen was clearly shocked to get another Juan-on-Juan date, and wasn't exactly thrilled about it. She and Juan Pablo spent the day on a yacht, making out and not really talking about anything because Juan Pablo doesn't understand anything she says anyway. He masks this by saying he loves her beautiful words. We know this is code for, "ummm...QUE?" After her date, Sharleen joined the Cry On Renee's Shoulder Club where she confessed (again) that she doesn't really Juant to be here anymore. 

Here's how this works: if you aren't effusive enough about Juan Pablo/getting a date, you're ungrateful and don't deserve it. WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE, BITCH?? If you're too eager, you're desperate and immature. Clearly not ready to settle down and have a family. You really can't win here. Apart from the fact that I a) hate everyone and b) get sunburned way too easily, I'd probably suck at being on this show.

Nikki got the second Juan-on-Juan date and got to meet Camila and the baby mama. She's a great pick for this date because her entire career is based on interacting with children. Sharleen likely would've had a panic attack if she had been there. Nikki was cute and charming but pretty unremarkable, save for the fact that she was wearing cutoff jorts to meet her boyfriend's family. If I were in that situation I would have been so peeved at Juan Pablo. Like please give me some advance notice so that I wear actual items of clothing when I meet your family. She obviously didn't tell the other girls about meeting Camila, though, because they only hate her a little bit. If they knew, they would have hated her one million times much more.

The group date was boring, they just went to the beach and sat around and talked. Where are the helicopters, ABC?! But Andi cried so she got the rose. Clare was pissed. Juan Pablo and Andi spent the rest of the evening together while the other girls took the plane back to the hotel to hang out with Nikki. 

Clare tried to pick a fight with Nikki, earning them each five verbal confrontation points! Nikki wasn't really into it, and called Clare "f*cking crazy." I mean, she's just saying what everyone else is thinking. I applaud that.

Really holding out for some major drama next week, when we'll have 2 episodes jam packed with adventure. Hometowns and fantasy suites in the same week! So many betch tears! 

Unfortunately Team Emily did not live up to its name. Emily's last bitch, Chelsie, did not get a rose and was sent packing. Week six standings, in descending order. Roster updates can be viewed here.

164 points - MC's McSluts

121 points - Elizabeth's Slam Pieces

 92 points - Cooney's Cunts

91 points - J$'s Dime$

89 points - Audrey's Fetch Betches
85 points - Julie's Jezebels

72 points - Shannon's Slutty Senoritas

70 points - Corinne's Circle of Bitches 
69 points - Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

25 points - Maggie's Maids of Mischief

Will you assept dis rose?

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Week Six: The Squeeze

First of all, our sincerest apologies for the lack of Bach-tastic blogging last week. Contrary to popular belief, we do have lives outside of the Bachelor (jk, we were lazy)

On to the good stuff:
This week the ladies trotted down to New Zealand, the land of hobbits, volcanoes, and bratty tourists.  The festivities start with Andi's first one-on-one date featuring a speed boats and waterfalls. Props to Andi for being the one chick gutsy enough to wear a one piece bathing suit. Here at the Bachelor fantasy league, we applaud your fashion sense (this actually isn't sarcasm...I thought it was really cute).  After frolicking in the forest with whatever kind of horrid creatures were in that water, the pair enjoyed 10 seconds of dinner, followed by 10 minutes of complaining about the geyser they were sitting next to.  How romantic.

Next, on the group date, the gang spent quality time getting to know each other...while rolling down a hill in some kind of inflatable ball contraption. After the spin cycle was done, we cut to a cocktail party in a hobbit home on the set of Lord of the Rings. Since most of these girls have never read a book, the novelty of the location was lost on everyone except Sharleen. Naturally, our resident opera singer and nerd was geekin' out. JP is still trying to figure out what a hobbit is.

This group date happens to be Cassandra's 22nd birthday (yea, that's right, she's younger than us), and boy, did she get a great gift. ABC executed some classic bait-and-switch moments this week, and this one left all of our jaws dropping: JP and Cassandra had this great talk, and she was starting to show glimpses of an actual personality, and then he gives the rose to Nikki and disposes of Cassandra like a used tissue. The poor girl thought she was going outside for some kind of birthday wish, when instead she just got a swift boot to the behind. Very smooth, Juan Pablo. 

The good news is that points were plentiful. Nikki gave us the first "I'm falling for you" and Cassy got some hefty unceremonious elimination points. Peppered in there were other catch-phrases like future family discussions and date/life analogies. Hooray!

The third and final date of the week was a one-on-one with Crazy Eyes Clare. They spent the morning whining about what did or did not happen in the ocean last week, and then hung out in sweatpants...much like my typical Friday night. JP is still all about Clare and thinks she "has sumting verrrry sexy about her," so we'll see where this goes.  

This week Juan Pablo eliminated Kat (the one girl he had not yet kissed), which leaves 6 remaining contestants for his heart. Previews for next week are looking pretty spectacular and we can't wait to see a verbal altercation go down.

I never thought I'd say this, but I kind of miss Dog Lover and her slut shaming.


Week six standings, in descending order. Roster updates can be viewed here.

128 points - MC's McSluts

100 points - Elizabeth's Slam Pieces

 77 points - Cooney's Cunts

76 points - J$'s Dime$

70 points - Audrey's Fetch Betches

 67 points - Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

64 points - Julie's Jezebels

61 points - Shannon's Slutty Senoritas

54 points - Corinne's Circle of Bitches 

25 points - Maggie's Maids of Mischief

Will you assept dis rose?

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Organizers

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Week Five Recap: The Fat is Trimmed

Dog Lover is gone. That's all that matters. It was a busy week.

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