JoJo's Season: Men Tell All

ABC is really giving us (and our livers) a run for our money this season, gang. Another week with doubled up episodes. Luckily, we've got Conor McCarthy here -- a man to tell all about the Men Tell All. This will be our third and final guest post for the season because Julie and I are taking the finale recap for ourselves, thank you. Before you continue, you might want to load up dictionary.com in a separate browser tab. And have your scrolling fingers ready (there are actual term paper footnotes!). Conor is v eloquent and I'm not ashamed to admit I'm not smart enough to keep up. However, all .gifs are RtR's own, so please don't oust us yet.

Hello! My name is Conor and I am excited to be here. I’m given to understand that mine will be the first cis male (brush up on your pronouns, son), straight voice to grace these eminent pages since Rob R’s trailblazing appearance last season. Rob is a good writer and a super funny dude. And really, everyone whose name appears on a byline here is both dexterous and droll with the words—I am sensible of following in illustrious footsteps. I shall endeavor not to disgrace myself.  

We’ll be talking today about the Men Tell All episode, the usually uninspiring intermezzo before next week’s finale that you put up with mostly because you are kind of addicted to this show. I thought, in fairness, that this one was pretty punchy. 

The episode opens with the sound of shouted production noises, a hype-man firing up the studio audience, and other fourth-wall-breaking things. A daring move by ABC, all of this formal innovation. Just real Brechtian stuff. 

We cut to the studio grounds as a mysterious Cadillac approaches. Who could it be? It’s Chad! He emerges from the car. He is still doing that whistling thing, like he’s a member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad on his way to kill Beatrix Kiddo. He has his own trailer because he does not play nice with others.

Someone thinks he's hot shit.

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison vaults to the stage to tell us that tonight will be “full of surprises and a whole lot more,” the second half of which is perplexingly vague, similar to appending BEYOND to a store that sells home supplies. Before we can proceed, however, we’re treated to a sneak peek of Bachelor in Paradise, a show that I have never watched, but which appears to be a real moiling cauldron of emotions, potent sexual energy, and the fervent desire to remain on television. 

Highlights from the BiP sneak include:

• Evan in bed with a real live woman (!).
• Lace and Vinny crying.
• Chad doing the following Chad things: saying “I brought so much protein;” manhandling a woman in a hot tub in a manner that is genuinely uncomfortable; appearing to criminally assault Evan; and telling Chris Harrison “you went to sleep last night with a mimosa and a robe on.” I have to admit, this last one jives exactly with my image of what CH’s life is like on the daily. Pretty funny. 
• Canadian Daniel with the Vegas twins. Both Daniel’s disposition and his nationality make him seem like an adolescent, so it’s good to see him living out the dream of teenage boys everywhere.
• Mom Amanda with some guy named Nick whose relationship with the franchise predates my own.
• Ditto Caila and someone named Jared. Want to take this opportunity to remind everyone of Caila’s dad’s orange-pants game, a gift for which we must never cease to be thankful. 
• Wells (rejoice, America) and some girl I did not recognize; Wells with some witty banter about the conception of babies at BiP (not a nurturing environment in which to start life’s amazing journey. Drink.)

Looking more forward to BiP than this finale.

The sneak peek ends with the promise of multiple proposals (nifty!) and the threat that some participants’ hearts will be forever crushed, which seems bleak but also pretty par for the course. Out of the peek we learn that much of the BiP cast is in the building. Jubilee is there! Juliet Litman will be so happy. Chris Harrison chats with them for a hot second and then it’s time to bring out the men who will tell all.  

Every guy who made it past episode three is here, plus James S (SO stoked to be there), Christian (why?), Brandon (good at gazing vacantly, may not be aware of his present location, definitely burns one down regularly), Jonathan (kilts), and Ali (more on him in a minute). Nice guy James Taylor and alleged next Bachelor Luke get huge applause. Alex receives hardly any because he is the worst. Chris tells the guys that Chad is here, and Wells instructs the audience not to applaud, establishing himself as the show’s Greek Chorus, a role at which he excels.

The audience keeps applauding, though.

We’re treated to a recap of the guys’ experience on the show, which is gratuitous but helps fill two hours. Coming out of it there’s a little bit of agro between Derek and Alex, but we all know this is just to get everyone’s juices flowing before Chad arrives. Saint Nick seems like he had three too many cocktails in the green room. Wells declares himself the Switzerland of the group, and offers some perspective on the military background that has shaped Alex’s aggressive behavior. Wells also uses the phrase “vanquished a Neanderthal,” so we've got that going for us. 

Chad is now going to be the subject for the duration of the show’s first hour. Evan starts us off strong by saying that "Chad is real like Donald Trump is real," depriving bloggers (and guest bloggers) everywhere of the opportunity to make comparisons and jokes they were sure THEY ALONE had thought of. Some resolve to make them anyway. 

Evan is like a lamer-looking David Tennant

Ali demonstrates the ability (rare enough, in this crowd) to hold more than one idea in his head at the same time. He suggests that while Chad’s behavior was fully unacceptable, the mob mentality of the other men was ultimately what led to the escalation of the situation. That’s true. A note here on my main man Ali: he was reasonable -- nay, wise -- all night and had a good sense of humor about everything. And from his season intro package, we know that he 1) reads books, 2) caresses the keys, 3) breaks the point (points the break?) and shreds the gnar, and 4) is in general doin’ his own damn thing with remarkable good cheer. Point is, he really should have stuck around longer. Would much rather have gotten to know him instead of, say, human badger and humdrum poet James F. You were gone from us too soon, Ali.

Wells says he doesn’t want to talk about Chad (sorry dude) and calls him Voldemort, reminding us all that Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them comes out this fall. The Comic Con trailer was v dope; excited for more thestrals, acromantula, and nifflers (we all ride for nifflers) in my life. 

Oliver Wood for Bachelor. #WoodForWood

Out of the break, security follows the stage directions they’ve been handed and inform Chris Harrison that cometh the hour, cometh the Chad. Apprehension reigns, and our only silver lining is that at least there was a tray of meats in his trailer, thank god. On his way to the stage he calls Alex a little manlet, which is an objectively funny word. Chad has a cordial enough exchange with CH, despite the fact that we’ve already seen that they have an altercation in Paradise.  

(Quick sidebar: the episode’s commitment to the obvious lie that Paradise has not already filmed—despite the many commercials and teasers with footage from the upcoming season—was extremely confunding. Made me feel like McLaggan at a Quidditch tryout.)

Chris asks Chad what went wrong. This is an unfair question because to answer it Chad would have to spend many hours speaking with a licensed therapist or the solitary confinement guard. The first flashpoint of the night occurs when Grant calls Chad out over something to do with his (Grant’s) ex. Chad calls Grant Daryl, which one suspects is probably somehow racist. Harrison is all, “back up, boys, nobody knows whatchall talkin' about,” and it emerges that Chad has been “hanging out” with the former baes of both Grant and Robby. He accuses G and R of having left these women to become contestants, and declares that he subsequently sought them out to prove that The Bachelorette harboured at least one good soul. Huh. How these women will feel about having multiple relationships dragged into the public arena, or about Chad demonstrating his probity to both of them simultaneously, remains unclear. 

^^Chad while the other contestants are speaking^^

At this point Saint Nick has had enough. He removes his jacket and challenges Chad to throw hands. A less than original move by now, but okay. Mostly, I feel like he missed a huge opportunity here. If he knew, if he even suspected, that he might offer to get physical, how is he NOT going to bust that Santa suit back out? I would watch drunk Santa Claus try to get belligerent with a fool for HOURS! 

Meanwhile, Daniel has jumped up to ask the big questions. He wonders why Americans always resort to violence, and encourages us all to be more Canadian. He has momentarily forgotten about hockey. This is less funny than it is poignant when you consider that we all have to move to Canada if a certain mephitic slime creature/vanity monster/Chad-of-politics is elected this fall. Everybody vote, plzthanx.  

The Chad circus continues. Chris asks the questions you would expect about Chad and Alex’s negative codependence, and about his alarming threat to hunt JoRo down. Derek’s pocket square is discussed. None of it is interesting until the subject swings round to the Great Evan/Chad Sex Comedy Skirmish of 2016. Chris has the video cued up, and when you take it down to slow-mo (technology!) it really does look like Evan kind of pushed him. The audience certainly thinks so. But they’re not having Chad’s “I almost fell really hard” justification for ripping Evan’s v-neck. That’s still roidy. There are no winners here. No update on whether Chad replaced the shirt yet either.

Evan’s version of the Chad throw down

The Chad portion of the night winds down. We’re grateful because he’s exhausting and terrible. Spokesman Wells admits that the group “Piggy’d” Chad (shoutout to your sixth grade summer reading list), but maintains that it was justified because Chad was an a-hole. Which, fine. Chad says something about pickles and apples, because every episode this season is contractually mandated to incorporate a folksy aphorism. Chris Harrison asks Chad about his mom but we’re not going to talk about that because it was an inappropriate question.

It’s time for Luke. Chris is feeling sassy and tells the audience to hush up because Luke isn’t really all that handsome up close. I don’t believe him and neither do you. We get a recap of Luke’s show experience that ends with his still-flabbergasting ouster after clearly winning hometowns. Members of the audience are crying. Undetermined whether it's from the tragedy of his dismissal or because they see in his sculpted perfection the hand of God at work. 

Luke crushes this interview. Hits it right out the park. He’s willing to accept and experience his pain if it means that JoJo is happy, which is how he knows he loves her. Great line. He tactically deploys a “learned to love again.” Somehow, ABC does not immediately shoehorn “The First Cut Is The Deepest” into the background. An egregious miss that likely cost some junior producer his career. Chris establishes that Luke is still single (wild approval from the audience), asks him where he goes from here, asks him whether he’s ready to love again. He is. I believe they call that foreshadowing in the biz. Luke next Bachelor confirmed. 

Now it’s Chase’s turn. The audience has JUST watched the Hindeberg that was his fantasy suite experience, so he gets lots of awwws. Interestingly, while his recap does give us another chance to raise our glasses from the living room to clink his airport shuttle rage-beer, it does not include his gatecrashing apology at the Rose Ceremony. I thought that was ultimately his strongest moment of the whole season. Classy, stand-up move. 

His interview is less than thrilling, because Chase is less than thrilling. Seems like a nice enough guy, but kind of a post-turtle far as the show goes (this is a real phrase, not a Chad phrase).[1] He too feels like JoJo taught him how to feel things and express himself. But he’s still confused about the fantasy-suite situation; Chris feels that Chase needs some closure on this one, and that’s JoJo’s cue. 

Chase is definitely the least pumped person in the room to see JoJo, who gets an otherwise rapturous reception. He looks, in fact, increasingly PISSED during her chitchat with Chris. Meanwhile, Luke is being all attractive and pensive for the people in the audience who just want to look at him. 

JoJo starts talking about Ben, a thing she does with such frequency that you feel she has been either paid or instructed to do so. Chase keeps looking pissed, and now James Taylor is looking salty too. We learn that JoJo had (allegedly) NEVER broken up with someone before the show. Going on The Bachelorette to learn how to do it seems like an overcorrection, but what do I know?

Chris brings the subject round to Luke. JoJo can't explain why she dropped him, because she knows she shouldn't have dropped him. Luke’s response to her nonresponse is very noble, and JoJo’s face takes on a look of blank regret. Whoever she picks next week is second-best to Luke, and she and he and America all know it. 

Then Chris tosses it to Chase, who wants a grumble-hug from her. She admits that her timing was frankly terrible and she feels guilty about it. Chase brings out the chivalrous charm again. At some point in all of this the camera cuts to Chad, who is once again eating meat out of his pocket like an effing lunatic. His suits have got to be lined with the same stuff Dexter uses in his murder-basement, right?  

So now Chase has closure and we can kick it to James, who is super kind and complimentary per usj. What a guy. He gets a crushing, friendzone-y response from JoJo, because life isn’t fair. Chad wants to say something. JoJo has been practicing her eye-roll for WEEKS in preparation for this moment. Chad insults both Robby and JoRo (something we can all sort of agree on), but gets jeers from the audience because he’s snide about it. A genius in the crowd yells “shame!” like he’s Septa Unella. Give that guy a medal. 

The floor’s now open to the rest of the boys. Drunk Nick says a meaningless drunk thing. Alex becomes the third man of the night to thank JoJo for teaching him how to open up with his feelings, which has become such a trope tonight that I start to wonder about it. Aristotle Papanikolaou (great name) thinks it probably has something to do with the emancipatory power of confession, which affects the landscape of the speaker’s desires and is determined in part by the identity of the listener or indeed their absence, but this is probably not the forum for that kind of thing. [2]

How the commissioners feel right now.

Anyways. We’re almost done. Vinny’s mom tosses her hat in the ring for the Moms of the Bachelor show you just know has been mooted in a studio office somewhere. As long as JoJo’s Veuve Clicquot-mainlining mater comes along for the ride, I’m down. Pretty amped for her to get involved next week. Vinny looks less than amped about having his mom there as an apparent chaperone, but at least his new lettuce is looking fresh. We learn that he was JoJo’s best friend in the house. Another blow for misbegotten James. 

Chris tosses it to the bloopers. Nothing remarkable there except that there appear to have been a lot of flying insects this season. With the exception of honey and bumblebees, flying insects can f right off. 

And then it's time for our last sneak peek of the night, this one for next week’s (THREE HOUR) finale. The whole family JoJo is along for the ride, so we’ll get some more of her aggressive brothers—they’d get along with Chad like a house aflame. There will be doubts about the readiness of both remaining men for marriage. There will be multiple make-outs on boats of differing descriptions.  There will be framed shots of anxious, silhouetted pacing. Jordan will probably win. A nation will turn their lonely eyes to Luke. And, somewhere near Katy, Texas, a gentle man will be strumming a mournful tune. So it goes. 

This has been fun. Before I pack up, I want to give another plug to “40s + Shorties,” the best little Bachelor(ette) podcast around. But to the hosts, if you’re reading, forget the Swedish Fish—your crunchy snack alternative is clearly vodka gummi bears, which are DELICIOUS and also get you DRUNK. How have you not thought of this??

Sincere thanks to the commissioners for allowing me to do this, and to you for reading. Pax.  

Hay's In The Barn,

Conor McCarthy
Guest Blogger

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[1] A post-turtle is a folksy expression that designates someone who has ended up in a position in which they did not expect to find themselves, without having too much of an idea of how they got there.  Like a turtle on a roadside post. 

[2] You can find out more about it in “Liberating Eros: Confession and Desire,” Journal of the Society of Christian Ethics, 26.1, 2006, if you’re interested.  That’s an actual article I actually read in preparation for this blog.