Rachel Week Four: Sauce of the Grits and Pie

So, are we just giving up on having a regular ol' episode here? Like is it passe now to have a normal episode with the standard opening sequence --> first date --> group date --> second date --> cocktail party --> Rose Ceremony --> toast/travel announcement formula? Is that too much to ask? I like stability. I like certainty. I like structure. I don't like this.

Tonight, we get back to the issue with Eric and Lee and honestly, I sort of forgot how this even started. Mostly I don't really care. But last we saw, Eric was about to blow his lid. It resolves sort of unceremoniously and we move on.

The men boys are all being idiots and either fighting with each other (Lee, Kenny) or showing America how stupid they are (Brady, Jonathan).

Rachel says Bryan is "a breath of fresh air" but we all know what she really means is, "I can't breathe when he's vacuuming my face with his face."

Peter shines like a man among men boys when he takes Rachel away to escape the madness of the cocktail party. A good man knows when you need to take a break with a glass of white wine in a quiet room. Peter is a good man.

Rachel becomes understandably frustrated with all the idiocy in the house. We see a heartbreaking conversation between her and a producer about how she'll be unfairly judged for her decisions on the show, and even more so because she is black. It's very emotional and I'm not going to pretend to understand what she's feeling in this moment. It's hard to watch.

The one good thing to come from this situation is that Chris Harrison finally confirms once and for all what we've known from the beginning: that he truly is Our Lord and Savior.

Chris Harrison: "Tell me what you want. I can facilitate anything."

And just like that, the rest of the cocktail party is cancelled.

We say goodbye to Brady, Bryce, and Diggy. Sad to see Diggy go, Brady not so much. Not worried about the elf, he will find love in Mordor.

The crew is ready hit the road for Hilton Head, South Carolina. Feels early, but I guess I say that every time and maybe by now they have run out of things to do in LA. That horse thing on Rodeo Drive was really pushing it.

Dean gets the first date and they drive to a field. He pops the Barefoot bubbly and then they find out they're going up in the Goodyear blimp. Rachel shouts "BIMP! BIMP!" and spills all her champagne in a fit of sheer exhilaration. Dean passes out from fear. Because, obviously, the guy who's afraid of heights get the blimp date.

It's funny that Dean is so afraid of the blimp. He's legitimately afraid they're going to plummet to their death. TBH I did not know that blimps ever touched the ground. Like I thought they were just permanently airborne. Also I imagine it would probably be a slow, gentle plummet and they'd be placed nicely back on the grass where they started. Like a slow-motion skydive. Nothing to be afraid of, Dean. Calm down.

At least they didn't make you do this.

Back at the ranch, Peter reads the date card in the MOST SOMBER TONE I have ever heard in Bachelor History. Why so serious? But also I love you.

We learn the story about Dean's dead mom. It's a really sad story, and he clearly has been through a lot. The fact that he laughs through most of the story tells me he's still working through it. Sort of concerning, in my opinion.

How Dean talks about his life.

They get a private concert. Russell Dickerson? Who is this? It literally sounds like every country song produced in the last 10 years. Do better, ABC. Bring back that jazz quartet from the last ep.

Dean gets the rose.

The group date is a booze cruise, followed by a spelling bee! As a spelling champion and Scrabble aficionado myself, I think this is a fantastic idea. Fun fact: in second grade we had six spelling bees throughout the year. I won five of them. The reason I wasn't 6-for-6 is because I was disqualified from one. For talking. I told my mother I misspelled watermelon because it was the longest word I could think of and I didn't want to get in trouble for getting in trouble.

Former Spelling Bee Champion would 100% be my chosen Bachelor profession.

Adam: "Rachel wants to see our intellect. What is that about??"

Kenny misspells champagne. "I'm a good speller, man, it just sucks cause I'm drunk."

Peter misspells coitus! PETERRRR!!!!!

Josiah wins. Not surprising, because he is a lawyer and probably very smart in real life. He's pompous about his victory and starts to get on everyone's nerves. There is nothing like a drunk nerd to annoy the shit out of everyone while also shaming them for being stupid.

More drama ensues at the wrap party. I'm losing interest in all these feuds. It honestly took me ten minutes to remember that this wasn't the cocktail party and then I got really annoyed. Jack Stone still hasn't had his date yet! Let's get back to our roots.

They cut us off right before Kenny gets punched lol. We all know Kenny doesn't actually get punched. And then the ep closes with a hilarious exchange between Josiah, Will and Kenny, doing British accents and geeking out about Game of Thrones. I love that stuff! More of that stuff, pls.

Points are up on the site, check your standings and talk smack with your pool. And leave us some love in the comments! Our egos are fragile, we need emotional support. ARE YOU EVEN OUT THERE, LOYAL READERS!??!?! For the love of Chris Harrison.

Amen.

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth