Rachel Week Five & Six: He's Reptileean. He's a Leezard

I'll do my best to keep it brief because ABC has stolen too much time from us already. This two-night-event business is hard on those of us with jobs and social lives, which I have a feeling is not the majority of the fanbase. Thus, we're combining the two eps into one post. Please refer any questions/concerns to your favorite commissioner.

We start Monday night back in Week Four, in the middle of the Hilton Head group date, and Kenny and Lee are back in the middle of their little quarrel. Kenny does his best to stay as calm as possible and it's kind of impressive considering Lee is truly being a piece of shit. Nothing about his personality is attractive.

Will's commentary on the fight discussion is lovely. He's sitting inside evaluating the intensity of Kenny and Lee's pointing. Ultimately, nothing really comes of it all and Bryan gets the group date rose.

Next up is a one-on-one with Jack Stone. Is it possible his teeth got MORE white? He's seriously rocking some #ffffff (heh, nerd joke.)

Real footage of Jack, filmed 1 year ago.

The date is awkward from the start. We've seen this same situation before. He thinks he's killin' it while she's just not that into him. I usually hate the word "chemistry" in this context, but there is about as much chemistry as I demonstrated on the AP Chem test: 0/5.

At "dinner" Jack starts gushing about how into Rachel he is, but he's getting ZERO reciprocation. How do guys not notice when a girl is just NOT feeling it? She's nodding and like half-smiling, but he keeeeeeeps talking and staring at her like he's going to harvest her organs. Jack does not get the date rose and is unceremoniously eliminated.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch hotel, Will finally points out the racist elephant on the set and explains to Lee how offensive calling black men "aggressive" can be. Lee feigns ignorance and continues to be a d-bag. He accuses Kenny of using "the race card" which makes my white skin tingle with shame. Maybe he thinks being the villain will give him Chad-like fame post-show, but Lee's gone too far and no one is going to be interested in the racist southerner who pretended to like a black girl to get on TV. 

Rachel cancels the cocktail party and dives straight into the Rose Ceremony. Her dress is fabulous, so it's a little sad she's wasting it on a short night. That said, I appreciate her efforts to move things along.

The look on her face throughout the entire ceremony is "I'm over this shit." I don't blame her, especially knowing from the previews that the producers are making her keep Lee. Iggy and Tickle Monster get the boot.

Get a real job, Jonathan.

Iggy gives us some exit tears and makes his way to the limo. Tickle Monster gives Rachel one final tickle. So. Gross.

Points at the end of Week Four, for those keeping score at home.

ON TO WEEK 5

Our cast travels from South Carolina to Norway. Although, I highly doubt there's a direct flight from Hilton Head to Oslo. The layovers must have sucked.

I assume Will forgot his razor, because he's grown a Week Five 'stache. Will it help or hurt? 

First international one-on-one is with Bryan. They wander around Oslo then go up a former Olympic ski jump only to rappel down. He kisses her mid-rappel like A PRO. He's smooth, confident, and as Rachel puts it, too good to be true.

Maybe Bryan has a tail or something.

During "dinner" Bryan makes a bold, high-points move by telling Rachel he's "falling in love" with her. My prediction: this guy makes Top 2 but doesn't win. Calling it now.

The next group date is handball, which I know is crazy popular in Norway because our high school Norwegian exchange student told me so. 

Josiah wins joke of the night with a Donald Trump tiny hands dig. He went up a few points in my book, but it's too bad the comment didn't earn any points.

This joke will never die, and I'm ok with that.

Peter spends the whole game getting handsy (his joke, not mine) and flirting with Rachel. PSA FUTURE CONTESTANTS: This is what you're supposed to do on the athletic dates! It's not about winning or even playing; it's about showing you're not an asshole or distracted in competitive environments.

Somewhere in there we cut back to Kenny in the hotel Facetiming with his adorable daughter. He starts crying and it almost makes my dark soul feel emotion. Almost. You can tell he's a good dad.

Back on the date, each guy is doing well and being charming...until Josiah. He tries to be a smooth talker but Rachel sees right through it. It's like he's reading off a script and she astutely points out that he never asks about her. REDDEST OF FLAGS. Hope he has his bags packed.

We all know this type of fuckboy.

Peter lucks out with some hot tub time and the two of them look pretty darn smitten with one another. Rachel then gives the group rose to Will, which pulls the rug out from under Peter. She's keeping him on his toes.

Next, our long-awaited two-on-one provides both Lee and Kenny with First Helicopter Ride points.

Can they rename these dates to something like Enemy Battle or Face Off? Because it's always the two contestants that hate each other the most.

There's a bunch of whining. Kenny continues to accurately call Lee a snake, so ABC tosses in some extra b-roll of a snake from some other season, because there's no way they happened to come up on that snake in Norway. Probably leftover from that Badlands trip a few years back.

Hurry up and slither out of this show, Lee.

Lee is like textbook Bach franchise villain. He's giving zero attention to his relationship with Rachel and is 100% focused on shit talking Kenny.

BREAK FOR A 22 HOUR RECESS

On Tuesday, more bickering and he-said, he-said. Lee straight up lies a few times. Kenny loses his cool and probably makes the record for most censored words in a single scene.

All in all, Rachel dumps Lee and doesn't immediately give Kenny a rose, but does ask him to spend the evening with her. They're almost out of there, but Kenny just has to go back and yell at Lee some more, which Rachel is not at all fond of. Dude, just let. it. go.

My favorite moment of two-on-ones: the removal of Lee's luggage.

Finally.

Later on that night Kenny gets a rose. She's super direct and calls him out on how he annoyed her earlier, but I guess she's still optimistic.

Kenny again calls his daughter and again cries on the phone. It's so precious and makes me sad for when Rachel eventually dumps him.

Rose ceremony is 25 minutes into the ep, which makes me optimistic that we'll get back on formula track with another rose ceremony tonight. No cocktail party again (thanks, girl!).

Josiah's ego is out of control, which makes it extra satisfying when he gets the boot along with Anthony. Neither provides any exit tears, but Josiah does spend a minute too long ranting and calling Alex a KGB agent. Let's move on, shall we?

Maybe this rejection will be good for Josiah.

Anyone with Kenny and/or Lee really raked in the points tonight. Sorry for the rest of us.

Point totals for Week Five of filming The Journey

Week Six takes us to Denmark. Eric gets the first one-on-one and starts strong. They spend a lot of time laughing, which is refreshing.

I'm quite bothered by their constant use of "copen" as a verb for the sake of the Copenhagen pun. Is it supposed to be "coping"? Because that doesn't work in this context. You don't cope to love. Is this some new-fangled slang the kids are saying these days?

*UPDATE: After publishing, several people pointed out that "copen" was a pun on "open" and I'm just super dense.

Apparently, downtown Copenhagen has hot tubs with naked Danish men in them. Eric earns some Hot Tub Points and continues to charm Rachel.

The only hot tub I want to be in.

During "dinner" Eric calls out his mom for not loving him enough. Yikes--hometowns could get awkward.

Eric gets a rose.

Group date is Viking themed and the guys are so into it, especially with the costumes. Alex feels like he's totally in his element. I've written this before, but being OK with costumes is a boyfriend requirement of mine. Not in a gross sex way, but in a "don't be a buzz kill at the costume party" kind of way.

The Viking fighting instructors are goofy and intriguing. Can they stick around, Jorge-in-Paradise style??

The group plays some violent games that culminate in Adam and Kenny battling it out with swords and shields. It gets a little too violent and both guys require medical attention for cuts to the face. Yes, this is the Kenny-bleeding scene ABC tried to fake us out with in previews. The cut was from a friendly fight with Adam, and not a snake bite from Lee. *Cue some strong eyerolls*

Kenny wins the Viking games

Post-fight Kenny starts getting in his head and second guessing his relationship with Rachel. He basically says "cut me, unless you're sure you're going to pick me in the end" so she lets him go. It was a sweet and mutual goodbye. He chose his daughter over Rachel and Rachel appreciates that.

"If my daughter grows up to be like Rachel, I'll know I've done my job." Guys, I might cry.

Stop making me feel things.

Peter gets the group date rose because Peter is end game.

Will goes on the final one-on-one of the week. We're almost there, guys. Bear with me a few more paragraphs.

They hop the border over to Sweden for another passport stamp. They happen upon a planted unsuspecting Swedish couple who gives them advice in broken English. Will's pretty adorable, but something is missing. There are some awkward silences and Will is not the most assertive with the affection. Performance anxiety, maybe? Or maybe he's just choking because his pullover is zipped all the way up to his chin.

Last chance, Will.

At "dinner" he tells her that he has mostly dated white girls, which is his second set of Race Relations points for the week. He also says he's super physical in relationships, which confuses Rachel because he wasn't at all physical with her. Will is Unceremoniously Eliminated due to lack of passion.

We skip another cocktail party (praise Chris Harrison) and get back to the show formula with a rose ceremony closing out the night. Rachel is wearing a gorgeous gown, as always.

For some reason I cannot fathom, she cuts hot Russian Alex and keeps Matt (who even is that?) and Adam (have they ever spoken?) I would have kept him for fantasy suites purposes alone.

Someone give Alex my number.

AND THAT'S ALL, FOLKS. We've made it out the other side of this two-night time suck. Check your points. Many teams are now out of contestants, so check and see if someone won the wine in your pool (cough, Maddie G, cough.)

Week Six totals

Love, Exhaustion and Roses
Julie

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Rachel Week Four: Sauce of the Grits and Pie

So, are we just giving up on having a regular ol' episode here? Like is it passe now to have a normal episode with the standard opening sequence --> first date --> group date --> second date --> cocktail party --> Rose Ceremony --> toast/travel announcement formula? Is that too much to ask? I like stability. I like certainty. I like structure. I don't like this.

Tonight, we get back to the issue with Eric and Lee and honestly, I sort of forgot how this even started. Mostly I don't really care. But last we saw, Eric was about to blow his lid. It resolves sort of unceremoniously and we move on.

The men boys are all being idiots and either fighting with each other (Lee, Kenny) or showing America how stupid they are (Brady, Jonathan).

Rachel says Bryan is "a breath of fresh air" but we all know what she really means is, "I can't breathe when he's vacuuming my face with his face."

Peter shines like a man among men boys when he takes Rachel away to escape the madness of the cocktail party. A good man knows when you need to take a break with a glass of white wine in a quiet room. Peter is a good man.

Rachel becomes understandably frustrated with all the idiocy in the house. We see a heartbreaking conversation between her and a producer about how she'll be unfairly judged for her decisions on the show, and even more so because she is black. It's very emotional and I'm not going to pretend to understand what she's feeling in this moment. It's hard to watch.

The one good thing to come from this situation is that Chris Harrison finally confirms once and for all what we've known from the beginning: that he truly is Our Lord and Savior.

Chris Harrison: "Tell me what you want. I can facilitate anything."

And just like that, the rest of the cocktail party is cancelled.

We say goodbye to Brady, Bryce, and Diggy. Sad to see Diggy go, Brady not so much. Not worried about the elf, he will find love in Mordor.

The crew is ready hit the road for Hilton Head, South Carolina. Feels early, but I guess I say that every time and maybe by now they have run out of things to do in LA. That horse thing on Rodeo Drive was really pushing it.

Dean gets the first date and they drive to a field. He pops the Barefoot bubbly and then they find out they're going up in the Goodyear blimp. Rachel shouts "BIMP! BIMP!" and spills all her champagne in a fit of sheer exhilaration. Dean passes out from fear. Because, obviously, the guy who's afraid of heights get the blimp date.

It's funny that Dean is so afraid of the blimp. He's legitimately afraid they're going to plummet to their death. TBH I did not know that blimps ever touched the ground. Like I thought they were just permanently airborne. Also I imagine it would probably be a slow, gentle plummet and they'd be placed nicely back on the grass where they started. Like a slow-motion skydive. Nothing to be afraid of, Dean. Calm down.

At least they didn't make you do this.

Back at the ranch, Peter reads the date card in the MOST SOMBER TONE I have ever heard in Bachelor History. Why so serious? But also I love you.

We learn the story about Dean's dead mom. It's a really sad story, and he clearly has been through a lot. The fact that he laughs through most of the story tells me he's still working through it. Sort of concerning, in my opinion.

How Dean talks about his life.

They get a private concert. Russell Dickerson? Who is this? It literally sounds like every country song produced in the last 10 years. Do better, ABC. Bring back that jazz quartet from the last ep.

Dean gets the rose.

The group date is a booze cruise, followed by a spelling bee! As a spelling champion and Scrabble aficionado myself, I think this is a fantastic idea. Fun fact: in second grade we had six spelling bees throughout the year. I won five of them. The reason I wasn't 6-for-6 is because I was disqualified from one. For talking. I told my mother I misspelled watermelon because it was the longest word I could think of and I didn't want to get in trouble for getting in trouble.

Former Spelling Bee Champion would 100% be my chosen Bachelor profession.

Adam: "Rachel wants to see our intellect. What is that about??"

Kenny misspells champagne. "I'm a good speller, man, it just sucks cause I'm drunk."

Peter misspells coitus! PETERRRR!!!!!

Josiah wins. Not surprising, because he is a lawyer and probably very smart in real life. He's pompous about his victory and starts to get on everyone's nerves. There is nothing like a drunk nerd to annoy the shit out of everyone while also shaming them for being stupid.

More drama ensues at the wrap party. I'm losing interest in all these feuds. It honestly took me ten minutes to remember that this wasn't the cocktail party and then I got really annoyed. Jack Stone still hasn't had his date yet! Let's get back to our roots.

They cut us off right before Kenny gets punched lol. We all know Kenny doesn't actually get punched. And then the ep closes with a hilarious exchange between Josiah, Will and Kenny, doing British accents and geeking out about Game of Thrones. I love that stuff! More of that stuff, pls.

Points are up on the site, check your standings and talk smack with your pool. And leave us some love in the comments! Our egos are fragile, we need emotional support. ARE YOU EVEN OUT THERE, LOYAL READERS!??!?! For the love of Chris Harrison.

Amen.

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth

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Rachel Week Three: Stripped of Clothes and Dignity

Welcome back, best friends. We're getting sooo close to Paradise season I can practically smell the cheap Caribbean rum! In the meantime....

We pick up back at the mansion mid-week two cocktail party as DeMario begs for a few extra seconds of groveling time.

He admits that he "didn't keep it real" with her about the whole girlfriend-who-he-didn't-recognize-but-definitely-had-intercourse-with and pleads his paper thin case. My girl Rachel subsequently rips him a new one in the classiest way this show has ever experienced, reaffirming that she's too good for this mess and that all of these men need to spend more time bowing down to her. What a week for feminism!! First, Wonder Woman kills at the box office, and now, our Bachelorette tells off a fuckboy while wearing a FABULOUS faux fur jacket. 

You know what's better? The guys are MORE attracted to her BECAUSE she's a strong woman who doesn't put up with nonsense. What a time to be alive!

The rest of the cocktail party is pretty uneventful. Jonathan uses some gigantic hands as a punny prop, securing his cushy friendzone position. Alex multitasks by solving a Rubiks Cube while wooing Rachel with his Russian accent. The rest of the guys are participating in the usual chest puffing.

Eug, I totally forgot Whaboom is still there. And because WB hasn't been cut loose yet, Blake is still whining about him NONSTOP. One or maybe both of them are wasted, or are just delusional because they "don't eat carbs." There's some nonsense spewed about Blake standing over WB's bed seductively eating a banana. Honestly, I stopped paying attention because I was busy googling how many carbs are in bananas. Turns out, not enough carbs for Blake E to justify not eating them. His alibi is weak at best. These losers have got to go.

I imagine it looked a lot like this.

Annnnnnnd the ABC gods producers shine down on us, because both Blake E and Whaboom get the boot during our rose ceremony, along with some guy whose name I don't even remember. Bonus entertainment for the night, the tension between Blake and WB finally boils over during their exit interviews, and the two get in the dumbest but most entertaining catfight I've ever witnessed. Blake goes on his litte high-and-mighty rant, and WB responds on theme with some casual mimicking and figurative dick measuring.

We move on to Week 3 and begin with a group date. The men get to spend some quality time with Ellen DeGeneres, who is on par with Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison in my book...

...until the contestants are introduced on her show and are made to strip & dance for the audience. My cheekbones are sore from all the cringing. It's horrible and makes me hate all of the guys (except Peter, who handled it gracefully and is the only guy I approve of at the moment). The crowd members are actually placing dollar bills in their waist bands, and the guys look like they've spent a little too much time perfecting their lap dances. Vom. 

ABC must be trying to capitalize on Magic Mike popularity. I hate it.

Thankfully, they put shirts back on to play Never Have I Ever with Ellen. We learn that naked selfies are more popular than my text history would suggest, Alex peed in the mansion pool, and Fred has a thing for older women. The men discover who has and hasn't kissed Rachel, which puts a lot of delightful pressure on the have-nots. 

Apparently Rachel forgives Alex for peeing in the pool, because after the commercial break we cut to the two of them making out. I assume we won't be having any pool parties in lieu of cocktails parties this season, thanks to this discovery.

Childhood bad boy, and non-romantic connection expert Fred finally kisses her, but Rachel can't get over seeing him as a kid. The poor guy is trying, and does appear to have grown up, but reciprocation just doesn't happen for him. She's not into it and doesn't see him as an adult. Fred gets the overdue boot mid-date, earning a few unceremonious elimination points.

Bye, bye, Freddy boy.

One-on-one date this week is with Anthony. They ride horses down Rodeo drive, taking their horses IN to the fancy stores. Quite unsanitary. They're constantly yelled at and photographed by strangers on the street, as if they're real celebrities.

Later on the two have a cute little chat and Anthony gets the first private concert. It's a classy jazz band - NOT a C-list artist as per usual, so I'm pleasantly surprised. Anthony is showing himself to be more attractive.

Back at the ranch, Eric is beginning a downward spiral. Each time we see him his clothes get sloppier and his posture slouchier. With a little poking from Iggy, he loses his cool and starts shouting about nothing earning his first verbal altercation points of the night. Things are only going to get more stressful, and as the previews have warned us, he doesn't handle it well.

Second group date of the week. Did Rachel specify to producers that she wanted a stripper husband? Because the men are dancing on the pole in the bus. That's two clear stripper-like events of the week. What is going on?

^filmed at the season's Bachelor auditions.

Rachel's "squad" (HATE that word) is here to help vet the men. We get Raven, Corinne, Alexis, and Jasmine for a little more screen time to boost their Instagram ad businesses. Raven is wearing a shirt that is business in the front and nothing in the back. Bold choice, wingwoman.

The date is mud wrestling, which is sure to bring out the sensitivity and kindness nastiest competitive nature of the men. The mud, however, looks more like modeling clay than anything. Does the constant drought state keep them from making real mud in California?

Kenny, you're cute when I forget that you're a professional wrestler. Stop going out of your way to remind me. It kills the magic.

Speaking of magic, Brady's hair didn't move throughout the whole wrestling match. It stayed perfectly styled a la Ken doll. I sense some hair product ads in his Insta-future.

Elf boy, aka Bryce (whose ears are too pointy for comfort) somehow beats professional wrestler Kenny at mud wrestling. I blame the modeling clay. By the time they fought, Kenny was hardening into a high school pottery class project.

Things got dirty.

Once the guys are all cleaned up we get a fun-filled cocktail party.

FUN FACT: Kenny, the professional wrestler from Las Vegas, also used to be a Chippendale. A modern renaissance man in the worst kind of way. I'm now 100% convinced Rachel's list of partner qualities was: over 6ft tall, likes strong women, & aspiring or retired stripper. The girl is full of surprises.

Earlier in the day Lee and Bryce talked some shit about Eric, and naturally Rachel tells Eric allllll about it during their precious one-on-one time. I fill my glass of wine in preparation for the upcoming confrontation.

Eric has a little chat with the shit talkers under the bus, which is where Rachel threw them. Bryce uses his elfin magic to deflect all negativity away. He basically says "Yea, bruh, I think you're total Wrong Reasons, but you can't be mad at me about it." Eric says "Yea, you're right. I don't want you to tell your boss to put me on the naughty list" and then directs all of his anger towards Lee. Lee gives off that dirtbag vibe (as the internet has already figured out) so he and Eric are now mortal enemies.

For real though, ^those^ are Bryce's ears!

Rachel, who I can only assume likes to keep the guys on their toes, ignores all warnings and gives Eric the group date rose anyway.

On to the cocktail party, Iggy joins back in on the We Hate Eric party. He uses his Rachel time to shit talk. Not only is this a traditionally bad strategy, but Eric ALREADY HAS A ROSE. What is end game here? It's not like you're convincing her to drop him instead of you...shit talking Eric does nothing to help you stay until tomorrow. Plus, you know Rachel is just going to run straight to Eric and tell him what you said...which is EXACTLY what she does.

Eric, rose in tow, rallies the troops in the living room to tell them off. There is a lot of shouting about names-in-mouths, and Eric seriously loses his cool as we coast into another cliff hanger.

Or expect to get called out.

Check your points and please note that tonight we saw Week 2's rose ceremony, and next week points will be added for Week 3.

Love and roses,
Julie

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