Nick V Week Ten: 4th Time's the Limit

Is it just me or has this season been dragging on For. Ev. Er.? Honestly. Let's get this show on the road.

Oh my gawd, this shit is THREE HOURS tonight? Need to ration my Final Rose wine accordingly.

Nick's dad: "Going through this process with Nick was excruciating."

Forget you, Lena Dunham. Mr. Viall is the voice of our generation.

It's 7:12pm and Raven's family date is already over. How on earth are they going to fill the next two hours and 48 minutes? My eyeball muscles are already sore from the workout they're about to get doing so many squats eye rolls. Gonna be so toned, though. Bring on bikini season.

Or just watch this show.

The family sits around and talks about all of Nick's failed relationships. I hope my family doesn't do that when I'm not around.

Nick's...brother?: "These women can still say no to him and, given Nick's track record, it's pretty likely that they will."

Good to know your fam has your back, Nick.

How your family SHOULD act after a breakup.

How Nick's family acts after his breakups.

During Vanessa's family date, she tells Nick's family about how she puked on their date and that's when she knew Nick was the one. As someone who has vommed on a date (IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY OKAY), I can vouch for that feeling. Nothing brings two people together like a bout of motion sickness. Granted, we're not together anymore, but it was not because of the vomming.

Ew, Vanessa why are you wearing cargo pants? Just because cargo pants are tight does not mean they are sexy. Cargo pants are only acceptable when on Safari. Or at least when you actually USE those extraneous pockets, which would probably only happen on Safari.

Vanessa has a convo with Mr. Viall. It ends with them both in precious father/maybe-future-daughter-in-law tears and there's not a dry eye in the house. To be fair, my eyes are the only eyes in the house, but it still counts.

Me: "I'm crying right now wtf."
Julie: "Are you watching with people or alone? My mom is disappointed in you."
Me: "Alone. Maybe I'm crying because I'm alone."
*The ep cuts to commercial. The accompanying song is "One Is the Loneliest Number."*

Ridin' that ERC.

Mrs. Viall: "Nick, we know an engagement is precious to you even though you've proposed three times more than the average man."

The family has mixed feelings about both women. The live studio audience is overwhelmingly Team Vanessa but they also hope he ends up alone. #savage

Vanessa and Nick have their final date. They ride horses and visit Santa Claus. Vanessa earns Metaphor Points for making one of the most far-fetched date/activity comparisons in Bachelor History. Vanessa likens believing in Santa to being in love with Nick. Which either means that A) Vanessa is a grown-ass woman who still believes in Santa OR B) Vanessa thinks that a future with Nick is utterly unrealistic and impossible but she's still holding out hope because in the meantime it's fun and you get orgasms presents. GOOD OMENS FOR YOUR FUTURE.

I'm sure you guys are gonna last forever.

They are really drawing out Vanessa's anxiety to an obnoxious level. I guess we're supposed to believe that Nick and Vanessa are each as insecure as the other? She's really only upset because she didn't win it right out of the gate like Whitney B or Lauren B or Shawn B. Maybe if you added a B to your name, V? Just one woman's opinion.

The date concludes. Nothing is resolved.

Raven gets her final date. She does her signature move, the Run and Jump™. She exclaims, "Ah! You caught me!" as if this is the first time she's ever done that signature move. IT'S CALLED A SIGNATURE MOVE FOR A REASON, RAVEN.

They ice skate to a soundtrack straight out of 2001. Like the good Midwestern boy he is, Nick is actually a VERY good ice skater, which is pretty impressive. Like, he can skate while carrying Raven in his arms. Maybe I should raise my standards from "could and would carry me out of a burning building" to "could and would ice skate with me in his arms away from a burning Finnish forest." Maybe that's unrealistic. Feel free to weigh in in the comments.

Nick disappears for a sec and reappears with husky puppies. We're all ded.

THEY'RE SO FLUFFY I'M GONNA DIEEEEE.

Raven: "This is the best day of my life. I hope my kids with Nick are as cute as these puppies."

Honestly, Raven, that's all anyone can hope for with aliens babies. Thank you for saying what we're all thinking.

We learn that Nick is literally paralyzed by the stress of The Process. He cannot move his neck. Maybe that's because he's old AF and and he was doing tons of ice tricks today! You're no spring chicken, Nick V.

Raven is head over heels for Nick and it's tragic to watch. That's SO Poor Raven. They are setting her up for a HARD fall. She's obviously about to lose and I'm already sad about it.

Neil Lane arrives the door and Nick picks an engagement ring for the fourth time. We see an unprecedented level of camaraderie between Nick and Neil. Maybe because no one in Bachelor History has ever spent so much time with the ring guy.

Nick: "I don't know anything about engagement rings."

Sure you don't, Nick.

Nick prepares to break up with Raven. She arrives wearing a stunning fur coat. I can't wait till I'm 60 and can wear coats like that errday. 

She gives her speech and the imminent breakup is all. over. Nick's. face. How does she not see it? Why is she still talking? If I were giving a speech like that and I saw Nick's face, I'd start to course-correct immediately. "No? This isn't happening? BOY BYE." Throw deuces, grab my fur (and the sunscreen intern who's been seriously bored since we left Bimini), run back to the limo and peace the F out before anyone can earn betch tear points from me.

Nick breaks up with Raven. He cries more than she does. Raven and I are both over it.

Raven's thinking about how easily she can remove her stilettos in this moment.

Fun fact: when we were kids, my best and oldest friend Maggie and I used to play a game called Stoic. Like a staring contest but more intense. I was very good. So in case anyone was questioning my abilities, I'd have the stoic exit DOWN. PAT.

Funner fact: Maggie is currently growing another human being inside her body and I write a blog about The Bachelor. So take what you will from that.

Raven's exit score is 1,000% a riff on Titanic's "My Heart Will Go On." I've played that enough times on piano to know that it's a near perfect harmony. 

Vanessa arrives in a, frankly, subpar fur to Raven's. Nick proposes to Vanessa and she says yes. In the words of Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison, "It was one of the most anticipated proposals of all time in Bachelor History."

He proposed, she said yes, they're happy. Maybe.

How both Nick and Vanessa are feeling.

After the Final Rose is a lot of waffling over whether they're happy, whether they're not. It's a bunch of nonsense and I really don't want to watch but my remote is far away and I'm comfortable on my couch. Also I'm a rationing pro and still have half a glass of wine left (barely). I hope they're happy, even though they don't quite seem to be. Honestly, I just want them to get married so I can stop seeing Nick on this damn television show. We're all ready to move on with our lives.

Congrats to the Roses to Riches winners and to the losers wine winners. Pool captains, if you have questions about payouts, get in touch with Julie or me. We'll help you out. It's been a hell of a season. Thanks for sticking with us, loyal readers. We love you so. See you in two months!

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth