JoJo's Season: Men Tell All

ABC is really giving us (and our livers) a run for our money this season, gang. Another week with doubled up episodes. Luckily, we've got Conor McCarthy here -- a man to tell all about the Men Tell All. This will be our third and final guest post for the season because Julie and I are taking the finale recap for ourselves, thank you. Before you continue, you might want to load up dictionary.com in a separate browser tab. And have your scrolling fingers ready (there are actual term paper footnotes!). Conor is v eloquent and I'm not ashamed to admit I'm not smart enough to keep up. However, all .gifs are RtR's own, so please don't oust us yet.

Hello! My name is Conor and I am excited to be here. I’m given to understand that mine will be the first cis male (brush up on your pronouns, son), straight voice to grace these eminent pages since Rob R’s trailblazing appearance last season. Rob is a good writer and a super funny dude. And really, everyone whose name appears on a byline here is both dexterous and droll with the words—I am sensible of following in illustrious footsteps. I shall endeavor not to disgrace myself.  

We’ll be talking today about the Men Tell All episode, the usually uninspiring intermezzo before next week’s finale that you put up with mostly because you are kind of addicted to this show. I thought, in fairness, that this one was pretty punchy. 

The episode opens with the sound of shouted production noises, a hype-man firing up the studio audience, and other fourth-wall-breaking things. A daring move by ABC, all of this formal innovation. Just real Brechtian stuff. 

We cut to the studio grounds as a mysterious Cadillac approaches. Who could it be? It’s Chad! He emerges from the car. He is still doing that whistling thing, like he’s a member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad on his way to kill Beatrix Kiddo. He has his own trailer because he does not play nice with others.

Someone thinks he's hot shit.

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison vaults to the stage to tell us that tonight will be “full of surprises and a whole lot more,” the second half of which is perplexingly vague, similar to appending BEYOND to a store that sells home supplies. Before we can proceed, however, we’re treated to a sneak peek of Bachelor in Paradise, a show that I have never watched, but which appears to be a real moiling cauldron of emotions, potent sexual energy, and the fervent desire to remain on television. 

Highlights from the BiP sneak include:

• Evan in bed with a real live woman (!).
• Lace and Vinny crying.
• Chad doing the following Chad things: saying “I brought so much protein;” manhandling a woman in a hot tub in a manner that is genuinely uncomfortable; appearing to criminally assault Evan; and telling Chris Harrison “you went to sleep last night with a mimosa and a robe on.” I have to admit, this last one jives exactly with my image of what CH’s life is like on the daily. Pretty funny. 
• Canadian Daniel with the Vegas twins. Both Daniel’s disposition and his nationality make him seem like an adolescent, so it’s good to see him living out the dream of teenage boys everywhere.
• Mom Amanda with some guy named Nick whose relationship with the franchise predates my own.
• Ditto Caila and someone named Jared. Want to take this opportunity to remind everyone of Caila’s dad’s orange-pants game, a gift for which we must never cease to be thankful. 
• Wells (rejoice, America) and some girl I did not recognize; Wells with some witty banter about the conception of babies at BiP (not a nurturing environment in which to start life’s amazing journey. Drink.)

Looking more forward to BiP than this finale.

The sneak peek ends with the promise of multiple proposals (nifty!) and the threat that some participants’ hearts will be forever crushed, which seems bleak but also pretty par for the course. Out of the peek we learn that much of the BiP cast is in the building. Jubilee is there! Juliet Litman will be so happy. Chris Harrison chats with them for a hot second and then it’s time to bring out the men who will tell all.  

Every guy who made it past episode three is here, plus James S (SO stoked to be there), Christian (why?), Brandon (good at gazing vacantly, may not be aware of his present location, definitely burns one down regularly), Jonathan (kilts), and Ali (more on him in a minute). Nice guy James Taylor and alleged next Bachelor Luke get huge applause. Alex receives hardly any because he is the worst. Chris tells the guys that Chad is here, and Wells instructs the audience not to applaud, establishing himself as the show’s Greek Chorus, a role at which he excels.

The audience keeps applauding, though.

We’re treated to a recap of the guys’ experience on the show, which is gratuitous but helps fill two hours. Coming out of it there’s a little bit of agro between Derek and Alex, but we all know this is just to get everyone’s juices flowing before Chad arrives. Saint Nick seems like he had three too many cocktails in the green room. Wells declares himself the Switzerland of the group, and offers some perspective on the military background that has shaped Alex’s aggressive behavior. Wells also uses the phrase “vanquished a Neanderthal,” so we've got that going for us. 

Chad is now going to be the subject for the duration of the show’s first hour. Evan starts us off strong by saying that "Chad is real like Donald Trump is real," depriving bloggers (and guest bloggers) everywhere of the opportunity to make comparisons and jokes they were sure THEY ALONE had thought of. Some resolve to make them anyway. 

Evan is like a lamer-looking David Tennant

Ali demonstrates the ability (rare enough, in this crowd) to hold more than one idea in his head at the same time. He suggests that while Chad’s behavior was fully unacceptable, the mob mentality of the other men was ultimately what led to the escalation of the situation. That’s true. A note here on my main man Ali: he was reasonable -- nay, wise -- all night and had a good sense of humor about everything. And from his season intro package, we know that he 1) reads books, 2) caresses the keys, 3) breaks the point (points the break?) and shreds the gnar, and 4) is in general doin’ his own damn thing with remarkable good cheer. Point is, he really should have stuck around longer. Would much rather have gotten to know him instead of, say, human badger and humdrum poet James F. You were gone from us too soon, Ali.

Wells says he doesn’t want to talk about Chad (sorry dude) and calls him Voldemort, reminding us all that Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them comes out this fall. The Comic Con trailer was v dope; excited for more thestrals, acromantula, and nifflers (we all ride for nifflers) in my life. 

Oliver Wood for Bachelor. #WoodForWood

Out of the break, security follows the stage directions they’ve been handed and inform Chris Harrison that cometh the hour, cometh the Chad. Apprehension reigns, and our only silver lining is that at least there was a tray of meats in his trailer, thank god. On his way to the stage he calls Alex a little manlet, which is an objectively funny word. Chad has a cordial enough exchange with CH, despite the fact that we’ve already seen that they have an altercation in Paradise.  

(Quick sidebar: the episode’s commitment to the obvious lie that Paradise has not already filmed—despite the many commercials and teasers with footage from the upcoming season—was extremely confunding. Made me feel like McLaggan at a Quidditch tryout.)

Chris asks Chad what went wrong. This is an unfair question because to answer it Chad would have to spend many hours speaking with a licensed therapist or the solitary confinement guard. The first flashpoint of the night occurs when Grant calls Chad out over something to do with his (Grant’s) ex. Chad calls Grant Daryl, which one suspects is probably somehow racist. Harrison is all, “back up, boys, nobody knows whatchall talkin' about,” and it emerges that Chad has been “hanging out” with the former baes of both Grant and Robby. He accuses G and R of having left these women to become contestants, and declares that he subsequently sought them out to prove that The Bachelorette harboured at least one good soul. Huh. How these women will feel about having multiple relationships dragged into the public arena, or about Chad demonstrating his probity to both of them simultaneously, remains unclear. 

^^Chad while the other contestants are speaking^^

At this point Saint Nick has had enough. He removes his jacket and challenges Chad to throw hands. A less than original move by now, but okay. Mostly, I feel like he missed a huge opportunity here. If he knew, if he even suspected, that he might offer to get physical, how is he NOT going to bust that Santa suit back out? I would watch drunk Santa Claus try to get belligerent with a fool for HOURS! 

Meanwhile, Daniel has jumped up to ask the big questions. He wonders why Americans always resort to violence, and encourages us all to be more Canadian. He has momentarily forgotten about hockey. This is less funny than it is poignant when you consider that we all have to move to Canada if a certain mephitic slime creature/vanity monster/Chad-of-politics is elected this fall. Everybody vote, plzthanx.  

The Chad circus continues. Chris asks the questions you would expect about Chad and Alex’s negative codependence, and about his alarming threat to hunt JoRo down. Derek’s pocket square is discussed. None of it is interesting until the subject swings round to the Great Evan/Chad Sex Comedy Skirmish of 2016. Chris has the video cued up, and when you take it down to slow-mo (technology!) it really does look like Evan kind of pushed him. The audience certainly thinks so. But they’re not having Chad’s “I almost fell really hard” justification for ripping Evan’s v-neck. That’s still roidy. There are no winners here. No update on whether Chad replaced the shirt yet either.

Evan’s version of the Chad throw down

The Chad portion of the night winds down. We’re grateful because he’s exhausting and terrible. Spokesman Wells admits that the group “Piggy’d” Chad (shoutout to your sixth grade summer reading list), but maintains that it was justified because Chad was an a-hole. Which, fine. Chad says something about pickles and apples, because every episode this season is contractually mandated to incorporate a folksy aphorism. Chris Harrison asks Chad about his mom but we’re not going to talk about that because it was an inappropriate question.

It’s time for Luke. Chris is feeling sassy and tells the audience to hush up because Luke isn’t really all that handsome up close. I don’t believe him and neither do you. We get a recap of Luke’s show experience that ends with his still-flabbergasting ouster after clearly winning hometowns. Members of the audience are crying. Undetermined whether it's from the tragedy of his dismissal or because they see in his sculpted perfection the hand of God at work. 

Luke crushes this interview. Hits it right out the park. He’s willing to accept and experience his pain if it means that JoJo is happy, which is how he knows he loves her. Great line. He tactically deploys a “learned to love again.” Somehow, ABC does not immediately shoehorn “The First Cut Is The Deepest” into the background. An egregious miss that likely cost some junior producer his career. Chris establishes that Luke is still single (wild approval from the audience), asks him where he goes from here, asks him whether he’s ready to love again. He is. I believe they call that foreshadowing in the biz. Luke next Bachelor confirmed. 

Now it’s Chase’s turn. The audience has JUST watched the Hindeberg that was his fantasy suite experience, so he gets lots of awwws. Interestingly, while his recap does give us another chance to raise our glasses from the living room to clink his airport shuttle rage-beer, it does not include his gatecrashing apology at the Rose Ceremony. I thought that was ultimately his strongest moment of the whole season. Classy, stand-up move. 

His interview is less than thrilling, because Chase is less than thrilling. Seems like a nice enough guy, but kind of a post-turtle far as the show goes (this is a real phrase, not a Chad phrase).[1] He too feels like JoJo taught him how to feel things and express himself. But he’s still confused about the fantasy-suite situation; Chris feels that Chase needs some closure on this one, and that’s JoJo’s cue. 

Chase is definitely the least pumped person in the room to see JoJo, who gets an otherwise rapturous reception. He looks, in fact, increasingly PISSED during her chitchat with Chris. Meanwhile, Luke is being all attractive and pensive for the people in the audience who just want to look at him. 

JoJo starts talking about Ben, a thing she does with such frequency that you feel she has been either paid or instructed to do so. Chase keeps looking pissed, and now James Taylor is looking salty too. We learn that JoJo had (allegedly) NEVER broken up with someone before the show. Going on The Bachelorette to learn how to do it seems like an overcorrection, but what do I know?

Chris brings the subject round to Luke. JoJo can't explain why she dropped him, because she knows she shouldn't have dropped him. Luke’s response to her nonresponse is very noble, and JoJo’s face takes on a look of blank regret. Whoever she picks next week is second-best to Luke, and she and he and America all know it. 

Then Chris tosses it to Chase, who wants a grumble-hug from her. She admits that her timing was frankly terrible and she feels guilty about it. Chase brings out the chivalrous charm again. At some point in all of this the camera cuts to Chad, who is once again eating meat out of his pocket like an effing lunatic. His suits have got to be lined with the same stuff Dexter uses in his murder-basement, right?  

So now Chase has closure and we can kick it to James, who is super kind and complimentary per usj. What a guy. He gets a crushing, friendzone-y response from JoJo, because life isn’t fair. Chad wants to say something. JoJo has been practicing her eye-roll for WEEKS in preparation for this moment. Chad insults both Robby and JoRo (something we can all sort of agree on), but gets jeers from the audience because he’s snide about it. A genius in the crowd yells “shame!” like he’s Septa Unella. Give that guy a medal. 

The floor’s now open to the rest of the boys. Drunk Nick says a meaningless drunk thing. Alex becomes the third man of the night to thank JoJo for teaching him how to open up with his feelings, which has become such a trope tonight that I start to wonder about it. Aristotle Papanikolaou (great name) thinks it probably has something to do with the emancipatory power of confession, which affects the landscape of the speaker’s desires and is determined in part by the identity of the listener or indeed their absence, but this is probably not the forum for that kind of thing. [2]

How the commissioners feel right now.

Anyways. We’re almost done. Vinny’s mom tosses her hat in the ring for the Moms of the Bachelor show you just know has been mooted in a studio office somewhere. As long as JoJo’s Veuve Clicquot-mainlining mater comes along for the ride, I’m down. Pretty amped for her to get involved next week. Vinny looks less than amped about having his mom there as an apparent chaperone, but at least his new lettuce is looking fresh. We learn that he was JoJo’s best friend in the house. Another blow for misbegotten James. 

Chris tosses it to the bloopers. Nothing remarkable there except that there appear to have been a lot of flying insects this season. With the exception of honey and bumblebees, flying insects can f right off. 

And then it's time for our last sneak peek of the night, this one for next week’s (THREE HOUR) finale. The whole family JoJo is along for the ride, so we’ll get some more of her aggressive brothers—they’d get along with Chad like a house aflame. There will be doubts about the readiness of both remaining men for marriage. There will be multiple make-outs on boats of differing descriptions.  There will be framed shots of anxious, silhouetted pacing. Jordan will probably win. A nation will turn their lonely eyes to Luke. And, somewhere near Katy, Texas, a gentle man will be strumming a mournful tune. So it goes. 

This has been fun. Before I pack up, I want to give another plug to “40s + Shorties,” the best little Bachelor(ette) podcast around. But to the hosts, if you’re reading, forget the Swedish Fish—your crunchy snack alternative is clearly vodka gummi bears, which are DELICIOUS and also get you DRUNK. How have you not thought of this??

Sincere thanks to the commissioners for allowing me to do this, and to you for reading. Pax.  

Hay's In The Barn,

Conor McCarthy
Guest Blogger

---

[1] A post-turtle is a folksy expression that designates someone who has ended up in a position in which they did not expect to find themselves, without having too much of an idea of how they got there.  Like a turtle on a roadside post. 

[2] You can find out more about it in “Liberating Eros: Confession and Desire,” Journal of the Society of Christian Ethics, 26.1, 2006, if you’re interested.  That’s an actual article I actually read in preparation for this blog. 

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JoJo Week Nine: Too Little, Too Late

It's Fantasy Suites week! Christmas came early (heh) for these sexually frustrated contestants. Everyone's jet lagged, cranky, and horny, which makes for lots of tension. So excited.

Before we get started I'd like to give a big middle finger to ABC7 Chicago for their abominable broadcasting choices last night. Some producer decided it would be a good idea to air the Crosstown Classic (Cubs vs Sox) INSTEAD OF THE BACHELORETTE during the regularly scheduled primetime slot. Which is so unbelievably annoying. Anyone who gives a flip about the Crosstown Classic is going to be AT the Crosstown Classic. No need to ruin everyone else's night too. So they moved JoJo to the 12-2 AM slot. Rude.

I used to date a guy who works at that news station so we can just assume it was all his fault. Thanks for nothing, Roger.*

Moving on.

We pick up where we left off, with the ultimate cliff hanger: will Luke stay or will Luke go? Last week JoJo told us that she needed to send Luke home, luring us into a false sense of security that Luke surely would not go home. Because he's Luke and Luke is the perfect man.

The men are suspicious. JoJo is in tears. She comes back to distribute the roses...

Jordan. Robby.

CHASE?!

WHAT?!

Luke is gobsmacked. I am gobsmacked (I am also filling out my Bachelor application right after this episode ends).

The musical score is vaguely reminiscent of My Heart Will Go On, except this time Rose is actively kicking Jack off her flotation device.

Never let go, my ass.

Luke can't form sentences, muttering things like, "This isn't supposed to happen." He also quotes the Original JoJo, saying his Hail Mary I Love You was "too little too late." FINALLY! I've been waiting all season for that reference to be made. Only took nine episodes to acknowledge the JoJo-sized elephant in the room.

TRUE IN SO MANY WAYS.

JoJo is visibly torn up about sending Luke home. She's basically on the ground sobbing about it and the other guys can definitely see her. Awkward.

On the outside, I am shaking my fist at the producers for making us believe that Luke was safe. On the inside, I am full to the brim with pure, unadulterated admiration for the producers for making us believe that Luke was safe. They completely pulled the rug out from us and it's a blissful freefall on the ERC of quality reality dating television.

So our final three men are Jordan, Chase and Robby. Interesting. Chris Harrison hops in that private plane while the rest of them fly Delta (economy class) to Thailand.

JoJo: "Saying goodbye to Luke was hard but knowing that I still have Jordan three great relationships makes me very excited for the future."

Robby gets the first date. They experience local culture and get a foot massage. They continue to hash out the problem of Robby's ex but he handles it pretty well. Good for them for having a real-ish conversation. All the while his facial hair is still perfectly sculpted.

Robby calls her Jo which is kind of cute. He's expecting her to say I love you, which is naive. Props to him for not backpedaling on his own I love you, but come on dude. Have you seen the show? That's against the rules. CoughcoughBenHigginscoughcough.

Speaking of Ben, JoJo continues to talk about him and how much he effed up by telling her he loved her. We know, JoJo. We know.

Robby shows JoJo a lunch box letter from his dad that says, "Good luck on your math test. Wear a condom. Love, Dad"

They're at dinner talking about how much they want to bone. JoJo pulls the Fantasy Suite card out from under her plate. Sneaky! Robby says yes without opening the envelope but he's contractually obligated to read the card so he does.

Robby: "JoJo gave me the Fantasy Suite card so now I can stop having sex dreams about JoJo and just have actual sex with JoJo!"

Robby again: "I want to be late to work because I didn't want to get out of bed with JoJo and I want to leave work early to go home to JoJo."

Ummmmm hey Robby? What about JoJo's job? As far as we know you're just a man who used to have a hobby so maybe JoJo will be the one to leave YOU waiting around in bed all day. Her job is not to make sweet sweet love to you all day and all night. Get out of the pool and get real.

They make sweet sweet love all day and all night. The next morning JoJo has real-life bedhead which I totally appreciate. They eat their First Breakfast Together. Clearly JoJo is the kind of person who celebrates month-iversaries.

JoJo tells America she loves Robby but she doesn't tell Robby she loves Robby.

Jordan gets the second date. They go hiking. They both claim to be out of breath and super sweaty, which is endearing, but their version of super sweaty appears to be very different from most people's. Neither of them is red in the face (maybe that's just a pale person problem?) and they're both completely dry. I call BS and feel bad for the camera men who are really suffering.

I actually like Jordan on this date. He seems more likable today, probably because he's on the other side of the world from his complex-inducing brother.

They talk about their future together for the first time, and Jordan actually offers to move anywhere JoJo wants to live -- a first in Bachelor History! I can't recall any man who has done or even offered that on the show before. Good on ya, JoRo.

Of course JoJo sees it as a red flag and becomes skeptical. Classic. As soon as a man is too available and flexible then there's gotta be something wrong with him.

Jordan: "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
JoJo: "LIAR. THAT'S WHAT BEN SAID TOO."

Jordan seems visibly frustrated by all these Ben memoriez. Welcome to my life, Jordan. He's able to talk his way out of the grave JoJo dug for him and talk his way into the Fantasy Suite. Hooray.

Jordan's sleeves are too short. It looks like a little boy's 3/4 sleeve blazer.

JoJo and I have the same pjs!

Chase gets the last date. Best for last? Maybe not.

JoJo and I have the same necklace too! Shoutout to Kendra Scott and also shoutout to me.

I think Chase is too boring for TV but I think he's probably the one I'd choose out of the remaining three guys. He seems like he would have a pretty dry sense of humor which I enjoy. Maybe it's because he's using more words on this date than he has the rest of the season combined. He def won't win but I'd like him for myself.

Oh they're reenacting their hot yoga date. Cute.

Ew I forgot he has a giant ugly side tat.

Chase: "After today there's no hesitation that I want to marry JoJo."
America: "Fat chance."

While JoJo waits for Chase to pick her up for sexy times, someone knocks on the door. It's Surprise Robby! The most alarming kind of Robby, given his impulsive tendencies. They snog on the couch for a minute and then JoJo pats him on the butt and sends him on his way.

Good game.

Ohhh sad they are really setting Chase up for a hard fall here. JoJo feels sick thinking about being in love with three men. She already said she's in love with two of them sooooooo...doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out. Bummer dude. Don't go Chase-in JoJo's waterfalls.

Chase says I love you. JoJo's face does not say I love you. He's about to get the axe.

I need to know what brand of lip stain JoJo is wearing. Can someone please look into this?

Oh shit, Chase is getting the axe RIGHT NOW! JoJo is about to retract the Fantasy Suite card for the first time in Bachelor History. This is huge.

This is the kind of off-formula move we like.

Camera pans from JoJo crying outside to Chase waiting patiently inside. He has no idea what's coming for him, poor guy.

JoJo comes inside: "Sorry about that, I needed to take a moment to think about how I'm going to break up with you."

In this moment JoJo is totally regretting sending Luke home.

JoJo wants to feel strongly for Chase, as if it's a surprise that she doesn't. We all saw this coming, Joj. You should have too.

Chase is getting rejected and he's totally acting like he's getting rejected. She says she didn't want to blindside him like Ben did to her. JoJo is now 3 for 3 on Ben mentions during dates this week.

Chase, to JoJo: "I just jumped over a hurdle and now I'm getting skewered." <-- amazing, actual line that Chase said.

Chase, to camera: "I say I love you and she says get the fuck out. That's messed up. Like, pull your pants down and kick you in the nuts messed up." <-- AMAZING, ACTUAL LINE THAT CHASE SAID.

JoJo is chasing Chase around to talk but like why? She just rejected him. For the love of Chris Harrison just let the man wallow.

Chase climbs into the van while cracking a sad, sad rejection road beer. What a way to go out. Pretty perfect exit in my opinion.

Rose ceremony time. JoJo gives the classic Two Way Street speech re: default roses.

Jordan's pants are too short. Who is his tailor? They really need to dial it back.

Surprise Chase walks into the rose ceremony right as JoJo starts talking about him.

JoJo: "I broke up with Chase and he was PISSED AS FU--heyyyy, buddy!"

Chase is back! He earns the pinnacle point category, Coming Back After Being Eliminated or Leaving** (15 points). Surprisingly, though, he didn't come back to ask for a second chance. He's back because it's not too late to say sorry. Chase delivers a knockout goodbye speech, apologizing for storming out and saying he's proud of and impressed by JoJo. Wowie. He is really fighting tooth and nail for this Next Bachelor gig and I think he might be juuuuust enough of a personality vacuum to do a great job. We shall see.

JoJo really wants to want Chase and Chase wants JoJo to want him. I see your Cheap Trick and raise you The Supremes. You can't hurry love, you just have to wait. Love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take.

And you lost.

JoJo: "When did falling in love become so hard?"
Um I think it was when you hopped on the fast track to marriage and tried to fall in love with a group of strangers while being surround by a crew of different strangers with cameras and microphones. Just a hunch.

So we're down to Jordan and Robby. Jordan was a given from Night One but it's safe to say no one EVER expected Robby to make it this far. Who will JoJo choose? The Former Competitive Swimmer or the Former Professional Bench Warmer Football Player? Can't wait to find out next week!***

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth
League Commissioner


*Names have been changed to protect identities.

**Some clarification regarding "Coming Back After Being Eliminated" points. Earlier in the season, Chad came back after being eliminated. However, he did not earn these points because he did not come back to re-connect with JoJo. Chase earns these points because he came back specifically to see JoJo. This category was created under the assumption that a contestant would come back to request re-admittance to the competition. Returning to apologize and bow out gracefully is unprecedented. This is uncharted territory, and in this instance the commissioners have ruled to award Chase the full 15 points.

***PSA: Next week, Julie and I will be watching together and co-blogging from Brazil! Since we'll be on a different continent the blog may not come out until Wednesday. We apologize in advance for any distress this delay may cause you. 

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JoJo Week Eight: Ooooh Spicy Child of Mine

It's another glorious Bachelorette Tuesday. Thank you for choosing Roses to Riches for all of your snarky recap needs.

Last night's episode featured the Top 4 and visits to their hometowns. We get to meet their families and find out what it takes to raise reality TV stars.

What happened to the interesting hometown dates, where people did actual fun things? Remember when that guy showed off his stripping skillz? I wouldn't hate seeing any of these guys do that. All of these dates are just a lot of walkin' around and sitting on benches. What a snoozefest.

First up is Chase backdropped by gorgeous snowcapped mountains. He has a GREAT house for 27 years old. It always blows my mind how people ~my age~ can afford down payments on houses--I guess they spend less money on Monday night wine and Chipotle.

and he's spending it on a mortgage instead of 4am cheese fries!

We meet his dad first, separately from his mom. Chase earns some points in my book for his handling of today's predicament. He and his parents are frank about the divorce situation and Chase even tells his dad honestly that the breakup effed him up a little. He goes about it in a I've-worked-this-out-in-therapy way not in a I-still-have-daddy-issues kind of way, if that makes sense.

Chase's mom seems sweet, but also like she's dreamt about her children being on reality television. I bet she'd be a great drinking buddy for JoJo's mom, so I approve of this relationship.

"Mom, I kind of like her, and your divorce makes me not like anyone" - teary Chase
"Honey, crying is not our style" - Chase's mom
"AMEN SISTA" - your two commissioners, at the same time while watching in different states.

Feelings are gross.

Casual reminder that Chase listed his three favorite movies as Gladiator, Ace Ventura, and The Chronicles of Narnia. Suddenly I'm finding him 10x more interesting than he has been all season. Despite this lame attempt at having a personality, I'm still mindlessly checking my phone every few minutes because this episode is turning out to be boring.

Next up we get Jordan in Chico, California which is home of the most sociable deer on the planet. Jordan takes one out of the Ben Higgins book and spends all of his time reminiscing about the glory days of high school. She meets his old teachers and pretends to care. You can tell he was that kid in high school who was charmingly obnoxious to teachers, and always laughing at you under the guise of laughing with you. We all knew that kid. He only listened to Top 40 music and asked a mediocre girl to homecoming because he thought it was ironic and his buddies would enjoy making fun of her all night. I hated that kid.

^Taken from the Rodgers family archives^

ABC very not-subtly reminds us that Aaron Rodgers is not there, and he doesn't exchange Christmas gifts with his brothers. You can tell that JoJo and Jordan didn't talk about this all day, but the editors sure want you to believe that they did. Srsly, I think the name Aaron was said more than "falling in love" in this episode, and that's obscene. I'm over it.

Jordan's older brother, whose name was equally as anglican, has the same swoopy hair and is dating a girl with pretty impressive hair volume. Tell me your secret, girl! Jordan's dad really wants to have the same hair as his sons but just doesn't quite have enough of it to pull off the look.

He's got that Pokemon hair - Allee, New Orleans league
*Important Note* This meme is pre-Pokemon Go.

Jordan's mom refers to him as her Spicy Child because he was the problem kid that tried to run away. Now would be a time to run away, Jordan, because JoJo keeps reminding him that they're supposed to get engaged in a week. I suspect this is a ploy to legally bind herself to Jordan's mom, whose voice is incredibly soothing and mesmerizing. I want a Pocket Jordan's Mom to talk me through all my problems.

Third on the docket is Robby in St Augustine, Florida. Anyone else notice how they haven't even hinted at Robby's current career? He's still "former competitive swimmer." To be fair, they've done the same with Jordan, but for some reason I care less about Jordan having a career. Not sure what that says about me or them.

JoJo meets half the city calling themselves "family members." All of his brothers look like contestants on this show. That perfect I've-been-tweezing-my-eyebrows-to-perfection-since-birth look runs in the family. Maybe Robby's career is running the modeling agency that is his immediate family.

The State Cup of Florida, used by Robby's entire family.

Robby's mom fills him in on the recent tabloid stories he's featured in. He's secretly loving the publicity, but knows he has to refute the charges to follow Process rules.  I know a few teams are disappointed he doesn't still have the girlfriend because that'd be worth a TON of valuable league points.

Somehow he talks himself out of the hole, and JoJo laps up her chardonnay out of his hands.

"Yes, I believe you're over your 4-year relationship that ended last week" - JoJo

Last but not least, we get Luke. The two stroll around a generic Texas town. I haven't spent much time in Texas, but I imagine this town is representative of 95% of the state. He even has a Texas-sized truck, which several league members texted to tell me was a "panty-dropping truck." This might be the city-girl in me, but all I see is a vehicle that would be impossible to parallel park. Heads up, Prius drivers, you're not below my standards.

He throws a big cookout for his date. It includes his immediate family, the entire population of this town, and one adorable baby with a serious case of giggly gas.

His dad is straight up adorable and gets all choked up talking about how proud he is of his son. There's something goose bump inducing about an old man in a cowboy hat holding back tears. It's true Americana and the producers are loving it.

Luke then takes her on a sunset stroll to the middle of nowhere with a perfectly placed sunset. It's a cinematographers dream! Judging by the cutoff white shorts JoJo is wearing, no one warned her of the required horseback riding.

Ok, maybe this is the wine talking, or the Dan and Shay background music, but Luke seems sincere and the least scummy of the pack, so I'm getting a little sappy. He tells her some mushy I-kinda-love-you-maybe stuff in a heart shaped arrangement of flowers. I want a man to say nice things in an accent to me like that. I wouldn't even care about his gas guzzling truck if he said those things!

That's how you earn yourself a fantasy suite.

Finally, we reach the rose ceremony, but I'm keeping a close eye on time. If ABC delays me a rose ceremony I will have suffered through this whole sleepy episode for naught. I had to place my phone in the other room to keep my attention on the screen.

This season's budget cuts now make more sense. They hired a private plane for the backdrop of this rose ceremony. Not how I would spend my production budget, but you do you, ABC.

OH SNAP editors let us know that JoJo plans to dump Luke, and magically Luke gets her attention at the last second to convince her he should stay.

^My exact face

"I need to dump Luke" - JoJo (in a FABULOUS blue dress)
"Heyyyyy, remember how hot I am in a suit? Can I just stand in front of you for a while and cause some internal conflict?" - Luke
"DAMN! Now I don't know what to do" - JoJo

I can honestly say I did NOT see this coming. It was my pool's consensus that Luke won hometowns, but I guess he didn't win her heart. Maybe she only has street parking in front of her house and knew that truck wouldn't cut it. If that's the case, I feel ya girl.

Against all of my advice and angry tweets, ABC pushes the rose ceremony to next week. I throw a dog toy at the TV to demonstrate my rage.

Heads up, next week is a two-night event. We get the rose ceremony + fantasy suite dates on Monday, then Men Tell All on Tuesday. Plan your evenings accordingly. The series finale will be on August 1.

Love and roses,
Julie
League Commissioner

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