JoJo Week Eight: Ooooh Spicy Child of Mine

It's another glorious Bachelorette Tuesday. Thank you for choosing Roses to Riches for all of your snarky recap needs.

Last night's episode featured the Top 4 and visits to their hometowns. We get to meet their families and find out what it takes to raise reality TV stars.

What happened to the interesting hometown dates, where people did actual fun things? Remember when that guy showed off his stripping skillz? I wouldn't hate seeing any of these guys do that. All of these dates are just a lot of walkin' around and sitting on benches. What a snoozefest.

First up is Chase backdropped by gorgeous snowcapped mountains. He has a GREAT house for 27 years old. It always blows my mind how people ~my age~ can afford down payments on houses--I guess they spend less money on Monday night wine and Chipotle.

and he's spending it on a mortgage instead of 4am cheese fries!

We meet his dad first, separately from his mom. Chase earns some points in my book for his handling of today's predicament. He and his parents are frank about the divorce situation and Chase even tells his dad honestly that the breakup effed him up a little. He goes about it in a I've-worked-this-out-in-therapy way not in a I-still-have-daddy-issues kind of way, if that makes sense.

Chase's mom seems sweet, but also like she's dreamt about her children being on reality television. I bet she'd be a great drinking buddy for JoJo's mom, so I approve of this relationship.

"Mom, I kind of like her, and your divorce makes me not like anyone" - teary Chase
"Honey, crying is not our style" - Chase's mom
"AMEN SISTA" - your two commissioners, at the same time while watching in different states.

Feelings are gross.

Casual reminder that Chase listed his three favorite movies as Gladiator, Ace Ventura, and The Chronicles of Narnia. Suddenly I'm finding him 10x more interesting than he has been all season. Despite this lame attempt at having a personality, I'm still mindlessly checking my phone every few minutes because this episode is turning out to be boring.

Next up we get Jordan in Chico, California which is home of the most sociable deer on the planet. Jordan takes one out of the Ben Higgins book and spends all of his time reminiscing about the glory days of high school. She meets his old teachers and pretends to care. You can tell he was that kid in high school who was charmingly obnoxious to teachers, and always laughing at you under the guise of laughing with you. We all knew that kid. He only listened to Top 40 music and asked a mediocre girl to homecoming because he thought it was ironic and his buddies would enjoy making fun of her all night. I hated that kid.

^Taken from the Rodgers family archives^

ABC very not-subtly reminds us that Aaron Rodgers is not there, and he doesn't exchange Christmas gifts with his brothers. You can tell that JoJo and Jordan didn't talk about this all day, but the editors sure want you to believe that they did. Srsly, I think the name Aaron was said more than "falling in love" in this episode, and that's obscene. I'm over it.

Jordan's older brother, whose name was equally as anglican, has the same swoopy hair and is dating a girl with pretty impressive hair volume. Tell me your secret, girl! Jordan's dad really wants to have the same hair as his sons but just doesn't quite have enough of it to pull off the look.

He's got that Pokemon hair - Allee, New Orleans league
*Important Note* This meme is pre-Pokemon Go.

Jordan's mom refers to him as her Spicy Child because he was the problem kid that tried to run away. Now would be a time to run away, Jordan, because JoJo keeps reminding him that they're supposed to get engaged in a week. I suspect this is a ploy to legally bind herself to Jordan's mom, whose voice is incredibly soothing and mesmerizing. I want a Pocket Jordan's Mom to talk me through all my problems.

Third on the docket is Robby in St Augustine, Florida. Anyone else notice how they haven't even hinted at Robby's current career? He's still "former competitive swimmer." To be fair, they've done the same with Jordan, but for some reason I care less about Jordan having a career. Not sure what that says about me or them.

JoJo meets half the city calling themselves "family members." All of his brothers look like contestants on this show. That perfect I've-been-tweezing-my-eyebrows-to-perfection-since-birth look runs in the family. Maybe Robby's career is running the modeling agency that is his immediate family.

The State Cup of Florida, used by Robby's entire family.

Robby's mom fills him in on the recent tabloid stories he's featured in. He's secretly loving the publicity, but knows he has to refute the charges to follow Process rules.  I know a few teams are disappointed he doesn't still have the girlfriend because that'd be worth a TON of valuable league points.

Somehow he talks himself out of the hole, and JoJo laps up her chardonnay out of his hands.

"Yes, I believe you're over your 4-year relationship that ended last week" - JoJo

Last but not least, we get Luke. The two stroll around a generic Texas town. I haven't spent much time in Texas, but I imagine this town is representative of 95% of the state. He even has a Texas-sized truck, which several league members texted to tell me was a "panty-dropping truck." This might be the city-girl in me, but all I see is a vehicle that would be impossible to parallel park. Heads up, Prius drivers, you're not below my standards.

He throws a big cookout for his date. It includes his immediate family, the entire population of this town, and one adorable baby with a serious case of giggly gas.

His dad is straight up adorable and gets all choked up talking about how proud he is of his son. There's something goose bump inducing about an old man in a cowboy hat holding back tears. It's true Americana and the producers are loving it.

Luke then takes her on a sunset stroll to the middle of nowhere with a perfectly placed sunset. It's a cinematographers dream! Judging by the cutoff white shorts JoJo is wearing, no one warned her of the required horseback riding.

Ok, maybe this is the wine talking, or the Dan and Shay background music, but Luke seems sincere and the least scummy of the pack, so I'm getting a little sappy. He tells her some mushy I-kinda-love-you-maybe stuff in a heart shaped arrangement of flowers. I want a man to say nice things in an accent to me like that. I wouldn't even care about his gas guzzling truck if he said those things!

That's how you earn yourself a fantasy suite.

Finally, we reach the rose ceremony, but I'm keeping a close eye on time. If ABC delays me a rose ceremony I will have suffered through this whole sleepy episode for naught. I had to place my phone in the other room to keep my attention on the screen.

This season's budget cuts now make more sense. They hired a private plane for the backdrop of this rose ceremony. Not how I would spend my production budget, but you do you, ABC.

OH SNAP editors let us know that JoJo plans to dump Luke, and magically Luke gets her attention at the last second to convince her he should stay.

^My exact face

"I need to dump Luke" - JoJo (in a FABULOUS blue dress)
"Heyyyyy, remember how hot I am in a suit? Can I just stand in front of you for a while and cause some internal conflict?" - Luke
"DAMN! Now I don't know what to do" - JoJo

I can honestly say I did NOT see this coming. It was my pool's consensus that Luke won hometowns, but I guess he didn't win her heart. Maybe she only has street parking in front of her house and knew that truck wouldn't cut it. If that's the case, I feel ya girl.

Against all of my advice and angry tweets, ABC pushes the rose ceremony to next week. I throw a dog toy at the TV to demonstrate my rage.

Heads up, next week is a two-night event. We get the rose ceremony + fantasy suite dates on Monday, then Men Tell All on Tuesday. Plan your evenings accordingly. The series finale will be on August 1.

Love and roses,
Julie
League Commissioner