Andi Week Six: Word Vomit

We're down to single digits of man-children! Andi is whittling down her selection of potential husbands and we're off to Italia. The bros sail into Venice fist-pumping and cheering like champs. Andi talks about her high hopes for this week, especially after last week when her "head was spinning." Maybe you should cut back on the drinking a little bit, eh, Andi?

Speaking of Andi and drinking (wait a minute, that's the entire season), we're starting a new game during these episodes. Drink every time Andi makes The Face. You know The Face. We all practiced extensively throughout the episode. None of us quite mastered it. She can really frown like it's her job. Actually, it probably is a big part of her job, I mean imagine her rolling up to bust up a gang with a huge smile on her face like "y'all, STAHHPPPPP." She knows what she's doing.

It's date time right away! Eek! There is SO MUCH build up to Cody wanting this date, it's so obvious he's getting the shaft right now. She picks Nick V. Poor Cody. He's like the pet dog of the house. Everyone's just like YEAH CODY YOU'RE SO AWESOME and they pat him on the head. He smiles and wags his tail. But for real he's bummed about not getting the date...again. Josh M can relate: "I mean, I completely understand his frustration. He’s out here [on these streets] in Venice without a one-on-one." Yeah, ROUGH LIFE MAN shut up Josh M. I added the streets part there because Josh M was totally thinking it.

I love that Nick V still has the V even though the other Nick was eliminated the first night.

Andi keeps talking about how she has questions for Nick V because he was so salty on their last date and because Cody told her Nick was a mean jerk to him. But somehow she manages to go the entire day without really asking any questions. Finally, at dinner, she asks him point blank, “Do you think you’re a front runner?” Nick V answered the question perfectly and Andi is in love with him again. But okay seriously. For the amount of time, effort, money and people ABC has expended to convince America that this show is NOT A COMPETITION, using words like "front runner" definitely makes it a competition. Where's the consistency here? Ugh. Anyway, Nick V makes a relationship analogy about the Venetian masks they're wearing and earns some points. They do not touch one bite of their food which is stupid because ITALY. I mean hello. If there's any place to make an exception and eat carbs, it's Italy. Has Andi never seen the Lizzie McGuire movie?

The group date goes to Josh M, Brian, Dylan, Marcus, Pantsapreneur and Chris, meaning...CODY GETS THE ONE ON ONE! The group activity is a lie detector test because ABC didn't want to pay for two dates in Venice. Also because she doesn’t trust Josh M. Woo! So instead of exploring the beautiful city they're stuck in a dark castle with suits of armor and creepy guys with accents. Andi talks about how relationships are built on honesty and trust and all their faces are fraught with panic. It’s hilarious. Pants: "I never lie. Well not never, okay, that’s a lie." Josh wonders how correct the machines are and spends the rest of the date (and, in fact, the entire episode) ranting about this BS of a test. Like, WHY doesn't Andi trust me? She said she trusted me. We trust each other. Doesn't she know I'm a trustworthy former athlete? Waaayyyyy too much objection, Josh M. Whatcha hidin', bro? Methinks thou doth protest too much. 

Here's what we learn about the guys from this nightmare of a date activity:

• Pantsapreneur is good in bed, without hesitation. The question on everyone's mind: does he keep his special pants on?
• Dylan has slept with 20+ women and doesn’t wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom. 
• Chris is the secret admirer! That’s his BIG SECRET.
• Brian is here for the right reasons. Big pat on the back, buddy.
• They have all farted in public.

Dylan is really upset by the test and fakes sick to goes back to the hotel. At this point we're all convinced he's donezo.

At the after party, Brian finally steps up his game and makes the shot on the first try! He whisks Andi away for another lie detector test and is all kinds of adorable. Marcus reveals that he has never been in this kind of situation before? Really, Marcus? You’ve never dated the same girl as 20 other guys simultaneously? I'm shocked. Marcus also tells Andi he's in love with her. A liiiiittle quick to the finish there, if you ask me.

Josh M continues to dig his own grave with this whole lie detector test. Chris reveals his BIG SECRET that he’s the admirer. He’s cute and gets the rose. Also, there's a verbal altercation between Pantsapreneur and Chris! The bros all are congratulating Chris on his rose but Pants just isn't feeling very gracious tonight. Pants doesn’t like faking the bromance anymore. It's getting real. The Process is working for him. Chris tells him, "fine, just go be blankety-blank sour grapes by yourself then," which is the most farmer-y thing he could have possibly said. 

Cody's moment finally arrives! He and Andi head to Verona to read letters people have written to Juliet. Cody can read! Julie is surprised. Cody is so grateful for his date he cannot stop talking about it. He welled up with betch tears (perhaps appropriate due to the roids), but none were shed, so no points. We are majorly distracted by the fact that Cody’s deep V is deeper than Andi’s deep V. So much man cleavage. Wait, Cody is surprisingly eloquent. There’s a brain under all that muscle! At dinner Cody starts word vomiting again about how much he likes Andi and wants her to meet his fam and OMG it's so sad because because she's doing The Face. It's over. Bye, Cody.

At the rose ceremony, the guys are FURIOUS because Nick V scoops up Andi first and he already has a rose. They need to man the F up, though. All’s fair in love and war, and The Bachelorette is both. Josh continues to freak out about the lie detector, we still don’t trust him, obviously.

Andi holds the roses as if she’s about to bowl them to the guys.

DYLAN GOT THE FIRST ROSE... WHAT? He needs to go. On the first night he literally couldn't even be near her because he said she freaked him out. Then we learned his sob story on that awkward train date. Then in Venice he bombed the lie detector test and bailed on the rest of the date to pout. What is he still doing here?? Three strikes, you're out. You've been hanging out with Josh M for six weeks, you should know that by now.

Pantsapreneur goes home! We are all so sad. He didn't even cry, and he wore a seatbelt on the ride home. Weird.

Points are up. Rob is still leading Pool 1, and Kelly's Kuckolds are on top of Pool 2. Shockingly, all teams still have men left, so no one has won the wine. If someone doesn't lose soon, we may end up drinking it.

See y'all in Brussels!

Love and roses,
Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Andi Week Five: The One Where ABC Finally Addresses Racism

Well folks, we're about halfway through the season, so it is prime time for these bratty men to get all jet lagged and cranky. This week's episode featured two hours of men on their man-periods, so hold on to your evening gowns...

Finally out of Connecticut, the group travels to Marseille, France. Chris Harrison made the cut for this flight, which was exciting. We missed him and his therapy sessions last season.

The first date went to Jockstrap, aka Josh M. He spent most of the day whining about how he is a misunderstood baseball player, but everyone continually ignores the fact that he is a former baseball player. He quit the sport when he was 22 and he apparently hasn't done anything even mildly interesting since then. We know this because he does not talk about anything BUT baseball. He is trying desperately to convince Andi that he's NOT a cheater, which is red flag number one. Also she is totally falling for the whole "I haven't dated anyone in five years" thing, which, DUH because boning does not equal dating. Everyone knows that. Anyway, Josh M has perfected the art of smooth talking. Good for him. He got a rose. To his credit, he is probably a great kisser, but in the words of Sharleen, he and Andi are likely "missing that cerebral connection."

ABC continues to perpetuate cultural stereotypes and the group date consisted of a mime lesson. As if some of these guys weren't creepy enough, now they're being taught to silently harass locals. At least the activity got them to shut up for a while...probably a welcome while for Andi. Personal favorite mime was Marquel, which makes sense because we've been commenting on his crazy eyes since episode one, and every mime needs crazy eyes. Second favorite mime was Nick V. Nick V wore his grumpy pants and pouted like a little brat the whole time. Andi called him salty at least seven times. Least favorite was Cody, who decided to grace us with his poetry: "I've got my mime on my money and my money on my mime." STAHP. Every time Cody opens his mouth my uterus flares up and reminds me that men are the inferior gender. #girlpower #deepV

During the cocktail party the boys were either jet lagged, hangry, or menstruating because they were all having temper tantrums and going all Regina George on each other. They chalk it up to jealousy over a girl they've had approximately 2.5 conversations with, each. I lost track of the number of verbal altercation points awarded (jk, it's in the GoogleDoc) but Cody accused Nick of bullying (you're a mean jerk!), Marquel accused Andrew of racism (blackie? really?), and Patrick just started bickering for the sake of bickering. Marquel's encounter did not qualify for verbal altercations since no voices were raised. Classiest conflict resolution in Bachelor history. Where was that on the episode teaser, Chris Harrison?? It was a surprising end to that incident, considering these bros are simultaneously being egged on by drama-chasing producers and pumped with alcohol. These Bachelors are finally starting to learn from each others' mistakes. It's like we're watching a species evolve every Monday.

JJ got the rose on the group date, even though Marcus pulled out the "I'm falling in love with you" card (5pts).

BBall Brian got next date and was super adorable at first, even while ABC was trying to shove a movie advertisement down our throats. Instead of an actual date activity in gorgeous southern France, the two were stuck in a small barn cuddling and talking about how great this movie was, even though I have a strong feeling they were just watching a blank screen for 15 minutes. After the "movie" they attempted to cook dinner, which took Brian miles out of his comfort zone. If his comfort zone is a basketball court, they were cooking on a soccer field, in a neighboring town. Homeboy was quiet, awkward, and pouty, but he resisted the urge to ask Andi to just make him a sandwich, so mad props, bro. The dinner turned out horrible (shocker), so they went out for dinner and Brian started acting like a normal human again. She got over his sulkiness real fast, made out with him, and gave him a rose. Brian is the king of rebounds. He always misses the first shot (EXCEPT THE HALF COURT SHOT OMG) but comes back strong.


When the cocktail party rolled around, there was no cocktail party. Andi got all dolled up only to tell us that there would be no cocktail party, aka no last ditch efforts to save their asses, and we went right into the rose ceremony. We watched the men turn in to shriveling, insecure little bitches, not knowing who would end up on the chopping block. "I love male insecurity! I feed off it." Defying all logic, but not defying the producers, Andi kept Cody and dropped Marquel, like a complete moron. She also dropped Andrew and Patrick, but no one really cared about them anyway. Pretty sure Andrew and Patrick have the hots for each other so maybe that will work out for the best. Marquel earned double man-tear points for the night, and he also earned my vote for next bachelor.

Points are up. Rob is leading Pool 1 while Katharine and Kelly are tied for first in Pool 2.

FYI, points for roses will start to incrementally increase starting next week now that we're down to 9 guys. Roses at the end of the next ceremony with be worth 2 each.


Love and Roses,
Julie and Elizabeth
League Commissioners

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Andi Week Three: Hit the Road, Lamp.

Wowie. Two episodes, jam packed with a roller coaster of emotions. Not Marcus' emotional roller coaster that only keeps going up, which is actually just an escalator. We were all over the place. There was excitement, shock, giddiness and genuine sadness. Crazy times in the Bachelor Mansion. Actually, no! This week was traveling! The group left the mansion and adventured out to meet up with Andi in...Santa Barbara. Which is basically like leaving Chicago to go have sexy time in Schaumburg. Or Lake Geneva. You pick, whatever gets you going.

EPISODE 1

Nick V got the first one-on-one date out in the burbs! He seems pretty pessimistic about The Process, as any rational human being would and should be. “I mean, let’s be honest, what are the chances this is actually gonna work out?” They have a totally normal day of a camera crew following them around while they ride bikes and go hiking. High fives for being average. Turns out Nick V has an adorable 12-year-old crush on Andi and it’s the cutest. Nick V said some of the most intelligent things anyone has ever said on the show. We all love him.

Group date cast is comprised of Brian, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brett, Ron, Bradley, Josh M, Eric, Andrew, Patrick, and Marcus. They start the day off by meeting Boyz II Men (!!!!!) and performing one of their songs to a crowd that looks hugely disappointed. We learn that Eric touched his first butt while listening to a Boyz II Men song. And Josh M. admits that “this is the first time [he's] going to be using [his] voice to impress a woman.” Were you including speaking and having conversations there, Josh M? I definitely believe that.

Boyz II Men is pretty charming. If I were the Bachelorette I’d probably just call the show off and leave with one of them. But wait, we saw Marcus shirtless earlier so might have to rethink that. Marquel loved the Boyz too: “We are #blessed to have this opportunity to perform with Boyz II Men!!!” I wrote that down because he said blessed.

"Andi invades Boyz II Men performance" <-- actual headline from article where I found this picture

Cody anticipated embarrassment and offered a preemptive disclaimer/apology to Andi before they went on stage. “Hey, whatever happens, this is an awesome experience.” I mean…what do you think is gonna happen, bro?

Turns out he was right, he should’ve been worried. They butchered the song. Kids covered their ears with one hand while they googled Boyz II Men with the other. We all drank appropriately at the key change.

During the wrap party, some funny things happened.

• Andi instigating fake drama!!! Told Cody/Hulk that she heard he had a girlfriend...AND THAT SHE'S A STRIPPER HAHAHA WHATTTTT. He took it well. He’s weird but funny I guess.
• Marquel: "What's your favorite color?" Andi: "Ummmm, is black a color? ;)" -convo with the black guy
• Marcus kisses Andi but he warns her first. I hate when they do that.
• Josh M. always wants to make out instead of talk and Andi is completely falling for it. I admit, I panicked a little during their snog sesh and screamed, “NO!!! They’re not getting to know each other!!!” at the TV. A producer needs to intervene next time. Ugh he got the rose he’s such a player. Get a clue, Andi, all athletes are the same. Especially "former" athletes.
• Mullet lamp dude looks really bored and sad during this date and in fact doesn't get a single word in the entire episode.

The next date card arrives during bro time in the hot tub with Dylan, Iowa and Pantsapreneur. Pantsapreneur gets a one-on-one! Pantsapreneur! He arrives to pick up Andi and he seems cute. Then camera pans wide and all of America vomits when they see his pants. How is this a thriving business? Pants and Andi channel Mrs. Doubtfire and become old people for the day. Pants: "If that’s the way that Andi looks when she’s 80, where do I sign up?" Presh. They really go all out with the acting too, they both sound like they have severe emphysema. The two oldies get MadCat scooters and scoot around town saying “this is the life” then trick some young kids by playing football, riding real scooters, swinging and making out in their 80 year old getup. Pantsapreneur pulls the classic grandpa move and gives Andi a Werther’s he's been keeping in his pocket. They're actually pretty cute. He gets a rose.

Serious tragic note: Ron removed himself from the competition. Points awarded.

At the cocktail party, Eric seems really hung up on his first date and is getting worried about The Process. Nick interrupted Eric's one-on-one time though with a sneaky bouquet of flowers! Completely threw Eric off his game, poor guy. I blame Andi there, that was totally her bad for reading the novel note in front of him.

Apparently Andrew got some chick’s number at a restaurant recently and was bragging about it to the other dudes. Josh M. and Pantsapreneur find this disrespectful and confront him privately. Andrew “chooses not to engage” and locks himself in his bedroom to pout like a grown ass man. They tell him to man the f*** up. Verbal altercation points. Andrew also uses a lot of war verbiage during this encounter: they’re attacking me, they see me as a threat, mano a mano, ready for battle, start a fight, I'm not going to attack them, etc. etc.

We said goodbye to mullet lamp dude and Bradley, the opera singer. Maybe Andi will introduce him to Sharleen! Bradley squeezed out a man tear during his departure speech, the first of the season. (Un)sympathetic cheering followed.

Hands on hips. MFEO?

EPISODE 2

The gang finally leaves the greater LA area. And they actually leave California! They head to the magical, romantic land of…….Connecticut. Womp.

Dylan got the first one-on-one this week. He told his sob story and got a pity rose which Andi insisted wasn't a pity rose. They didn't eat, he didn't smile, and he needs to sit up straight. Tears all around. Next.

Group date! The guys play basketball against some girl pros. Excuse me, where was Skylar Diggins? We decided they couldn’t bring her on because she’s too hot and the guys might like her better than Andi. Sorry, Andi. JJ’s (Pantspreneur) shirt says Jj which is cool. The lady ballers kill it and completely school the guys. Then the bros divide up and play each other. The Rosebuds vs. Team Hand Drawn Hearts (courtesy of ABC’s star intern).

The Rosebuds dominate. Corinne points out: “They have the black guy and the basketball coach on the same team. That’s definitely cheating.” Marquel affirms his skills by telling us that "cream rises to the top." Under-developed, unfinished metaphor for cream of the crop? (side note: we are swooning over Marquel)

Is Andi going to make an exception and let them all come on the date, a la Desiree? Nope. She’s a lawyer. There’s always a winner and a loser in the law. Sucks to suck. Team Hand Drawn Hearts heads back to the hotel. Josh M insists that he's not a sore loser but is totally acting like a sore loser. Okay, Josh M, what do you expect? It's Panstapreneur, the farmer and the wedding planner vs. the black guy and the basketball coach? Come on.

COACH (Brian) MADE A HALF COURT SHOT ON DEMAND FOR ANDI AND DIDN’T KISS HER OMG. But he got the group date rose yay.

Marcus' one-on-one date is devastatingly perfect. (Y'all, I’m such a sucker for a guy in a great pea coat. Julie thinks "it’s what’s under the pea coat that counts." That could go either way.) I didn't type anything during their repelling adventure down the one building in Connecticut because it was so freakin cute. He calmed her down and totally took charge like a boss. Such a man. Apparently Andi was testing his protective nature. He passed. They eat dinner at the oldest working inn in America, which the producers whispered in Andi’s ear before they started rolling the camera. I’m imagining Marcus without facial hair. It’s a good thing he has facial hair because he would probably look 17. Does Andi feel like she has the upper hand since she’s older? He’s so hot. I’m intrigued.

Andi gets a letter from a secret admirer! We know it’s not from Marquel because (SPOILER) the b-roll of the letter being written shows a white hand. We don't actually find out who the letter is from in this episode. Hopefully next week.

Cocktail party musings:

• Andi says “this (The Process) is working for me” which sucks for everyone who hasn’t talked to her yet because clearly she wasn’t referring to them. 
• Remember on America's Next Top Model, how Miss Jay's outfits got flashier and more outrageous each week of the competition? I wish Tasos’ ear gauges were like that.
• Andi finally kissed Brian and her foot popped! SO Mia Thermopolis of her.
• I think Julie likes Marquel more than I like Marquel. Definitely more than Andi likes Marquel. Andi said he “cracks her up” which = The Friend Zone.

Eric and Andi have major differences about The Process and they both agree that isn't going to work. Unceremonious elimination/self removal. This is really sad because it's the last time Andi talks to him. The episode ends on a somber note in remembrance of Eric.

Points and standings are up here. Rob and Katharine are leading their respective leagues. If you have a team name, let us know!

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie

League Commissioners

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