JoJo Week Nine: Too Little, Too Late

It's Fantasy Suites week! Christmas came early (heh) for these sexually frustrated contestants. Everyone's jet lagged, cranky, and horny, which makes for lots of tension. So excited.

Before we get started I'd like to give a big middle finger to ABC7 Chicago for their abominable broadcasting choices last night. Some producer decided it would be a good idea to air the Crosstown Classic (Cubs vs Sox) INSTEAD OF THE BACHELORETTE during the regularly scheduled primetime slot. Which is so unbelievably annoying. Anyone who gives a flip about the Crosstown Classic is going to be AT the Crosstown Classic. No need to ruin everyone else's night too. So they moved JoJo to the 12-2 AM slot. Rude.

I used to date a guy who works at that news station so we can just assume it was all his fault. Thanks for nothing, Roger.*

Moving on.

We pick up where we left off, with the ultimate cliff hanger: will Luke stay or will Luke go? Last week JoJo told us that she needed to send Luke home, luring us into a false sense of security that Luke surely would not go home. Because he's Luke and Luke is the perfect man.

The men are suspicious. JoJo is in tears. She comes back to distribute the roses...

Jordan. Robby.

CHASE?!

WHAT?!

Luke is gobsmacked. I am gobsmacked (I am also filling out my Bachelor application right after this episode ends).

The musical score is vaguely reminiscent of My Heart Will Go On, except this time Rose is actively kicking Jack off her flotation device.

Never let go, my ass.

Luke can't form sentences, muttering things like, "This isn't supposed to happen." He also quotes the Original JoJo, saying his Hail Mary I Love You was "too little too late." FINALLY! I've been waiting all season for that reference to be made. Only took nine episodes to acknowledge the JoJo-sized elephant in the room.

TRUE IN SO MANY WAYS.

JoJo is visibly torn up about sending Luke home. She's basically on the ground sobbing about it and the other guys can definitely see her. Awkward.

On the outside, I am shaking my fist at the producers for making us believe that Luke was safe. On the inside, I am full to the brim with pure, unadulterated admiration for the producers for making us believe that Luke was safe. They completely pulled the rug out from us and it's a blissful freefall on the ERC of quality reality dating television.

So our final three men are Jordan, Chase and Robby. Interesting. Chris Harrison hops in that private plane while the rest of them fly Delta (economy class) to Thailand.

JoJo: "Saying goodbye to Luke was hard but knowing that I still have Jordan three great relationships makes me very excited for the future."

Robby gets the first date. They experience local culture and get a foot massage. They continue to hash out the problem of Robby's ex but he handles it pretty well. Good for them for having a real-ish conversation. All the while his facial hair is still perfectly sculpted.

Robby calls her Jo which is kind of cute. He's expecting her to say I love you, which is naive. Props to him for not backpedaling on his own I love you, but come on dude. Have you seen the show? That's against the rules. CoughcoughBenHigginscoughcough.

Speaking of Ben, JoJo continues to talk about him and how much he effed up by telling her he loved her. We know, JoJo. We know.

Robby shows JoJo a lunch box letter from his dad that says, "Good luck on your math test. Wear a condom. Love, Dad"

They're at dinner talking about how much they want to bone. JoJo pulls the Fantasy Suite card out from under her plate. Sneaky! Robby says yes without opening the envelope but he's contractually obligated to read the card so he does.

Robby: "JoJo gave me the Fantasy Suite card so now I can stop having sex dreams about JoJo and just have actual sex with JoJo!"

Robby again: "I want to be late to work because I didn't want to get out of bed with JoJo and I want to leave work early to go home to JoJo."

Ummmmm hey Robby? What about JoJo's job? As far as we know you're just a man who used to have a hobby so maybe JoJo will be the one to leave YOU waiting around in bed all day. Her job is not to make sweet sweet love to you all day and all night. Get out of the pool and get real.

They make sweet sweet love all day and all night. The next morning JoJo has real-life bedhead which I totally appreciate. They eat their First Breakfast Together. Clearly JoJo is the kind of person who celebrates month-iversaries.

JoJo tells America she loves Robby but she doesn't tell Robby she loves Robby.

Jordan gets the second date. They go hiking. They both claim to be out of breath and super sweaty, which is endearing, but their version of super sweaty appears to be very different from most people's. Neither of them is red in the face (maybe that's just a pale person problem?) and they're both completely dry. I call BS and feel bad for the camera men who are really suffering.

I actually like Jordan on this date. He seems more likable today, probably because he's on the other side of the world from his complex-inducing brother.

They talk about their future together for the first time, and Jordan actually offers to move anywhere JoJo wants to live -- a first in Bachelor History! I can't recall any man who has done or even offered that on the show before. Good on ya, JoRo.

Of course JoJo sees it as a red flag and becomes skeptical. Classic. As soon as a man is too available and flexible then there's gotta be something wrong with him.

Jordan: "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
JoJo: "LIAR. THAT'S WHAT BEN SAID TOO."

Jordan seems visibly frustrated by all these Ben memoriez. Welcome to my life, Jordan. He's able to talk his way out of the grave JoJo dug for him and talk his way into the Fantasy Suite. Hooray.

Jordan's sleeves are too short. It looks like a little boy's 3/4 sleeve blazer.

JoJo and I have the same pjs!

Chase gets the last date. Best for last? Maybe not.

JoJo and I have the same necklace too! Shoutout to Kendra Scott and also shoutout to me.

I think Chase is too boring for TV but I think he's probably the one I'd choose out of the remaining three guys. He seems like he would have a pretty dry sense of humor which I enjoy. Maybe it's because he's using more words on this date than he has the rest of the season combined. He def won't win but I'd like him for myself.

Oh they're reenacting their hot yoga date. Cute.

Ew I forgot he has a giant ugly side tat.

Chase: "After today there's no hesitation that I want to marry JoJo."
America: "Fat chance."

While JoJo waits for Chase to pick her up for sexy times, someone knocks on the door. It's Surprise Robby! The most alarming kind of Robby, given his impulsive tendencies. They snog on the couch for a minute and then JoJo pats him on the butt and sends him on his way.

Good game.

Ohhh sad they are really setting Chase up for a hard fall here. JoJo feels sick thinking about being in love with three men. She already said she's in love with two of them sooooooo...doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out. Bummer dude. Don't go Chase-in JoJo's waterfalls.

Chase says I love you. JoJo's face does not say I love you. He's about to get the axe.

I need to know what brand of lip stain JoJo is wearing. Can someone please look into this?

Oh shit, Chase is getting the axe RIGHT NOW! JoJo is about to retract the Fantasy Suite card for the first time in Bachelor History. This is huge.

This is the kind of off-formula move we like.

Camera pans from JoJo crying outside to Chase waiting patiently inside. He has no idea what's coming for him, poor guy.

JoJo comes inside: "Sorry about that, I needed to take a moment to think about how I'm going to break up with you."

In this moment JoJo is totally regretting sending Luke home.

JoJo wants to feel strongly for Chase, as if it's a surprise that she doesn't. We all saw this coming, Joj. You should have too.

Chase is getting rejected and he's totally acting like he's getting rejected. She says she didn't want to blindside him like Ben did to her. JoJo is now 3 for 3 on Ben mentions during dates this week.

Chase, to JoJo: "I just jumped over a hurdle and now I'm getting skewered." <-- amazing, actual line that Chase said.

Chase, to camera: "I say I love you and she says get the fuck out. That's messed up. Like, pull your pants down and kick you in the nuts messed up." <-- AMAZING, ACTUAL LINE THAT CHASE SAID.

JoJo is chasing Chase around to talk but like why? She just rejected him. For the love of Chris Harrison just let the man wallow.

Chase climbs into the van while cracking a sad, sad rejection road beer. What a way to go out. Pretty perfect exit in my opinion.

Rose ceremony time. JoJo gives the classic Two Way Street speech re: default roses.

Jordan's pants are too short. Who is his tailor? They really need to dial it back.

Surprise Chase walks into the rose ceremony right as JoJo starts talking about him.

JoJo: "I broke up with Chase and he was PISSED AS FU--heyyyy, buddy!"

Chase is back! He earns the pinnacle point category, Coming Back After Being Eliminated or Leaving** (15 points). Surprisingly, though, he didn't come back to ask for a second chance. He's back because it's not too late to say sorry. Chase delivers a knockout goodbye speech, apologizing for storming out and saying he's proud of and impressed by JoJo. Wowie. He is really fighting tooth and nail for this Next Bachelor gig and I think he might be juuuuust enough of a personality vacuum to do a great job. We shall see.

JoJo really wants to want Chase and Chase wants JoJo to want him. I see your Cheap Trick and raise you The Supremes. You can't hurry love, you just have to wait. Love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take.

And you lost.

JoJo: "When did falling in love become so hard?"
Um I think it was when you hopped on the fast track to marriage and tried to fall in love with a group of strangers while being surround by a crew of different strangers with cameras and microphones. Just a hunch.

So we're down to Jordan and Robby. Jordan was a given from Night One but it's safe to say no one EVER expected Robby to make it this far. Who will JoJo choose? The Former Competitive Swimmer or the Former Professional Bench Warmer Football Player? Can't wait to find out next week!***

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth
League Commissioner


*Names have been changed to protect identities.

**Some clarification regarding "Coming Back After Being Eliminated" points. Earlier in the season, Chad came back after being eliminated. However, he did not earn these points because he did not come back to re-connect with JoJo. Chase earns these points because he came back specifically to see JoJo. This category was created under the assumption that a contestant would come back to request re-admittance to the competition. Returning to apologize and bow out gracefully is unprecedented. This is uncharted territory, and in this instance the commissioners have ruled to award Chase the full 15 points.

***PSA: Next week, Julie and I will be watching together and co-blogging from Brazil! Since we'll be on a different continent the blog may not come out until Wednesday. We apologize in advance for any distress this delay may cause you. 

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JoJo Week Eight: Ooooh Spicy Child of Mine

It's another glorious Bachelorette Tuesday. Thank you for choosing Roses to Riches for all of your snarky recap needs.

Last night's episode featured the Top 4 and visits to their hometowns. We get to meet their families and find out what it takes to raise reality TV stars.

What happened to the interesting hometown dates, where people did actual fun things? Remember when that guy showed off his stripping skillz? I wouldn't hate seeing any of these guys do that. All of these dates are just a lot of walkin' around and sitting on benches. What a snoozefest.

First up is Chase backdropped by gorgeous snowcapped mountains. He has a GREAT house for 27 years old. It always blows my mind how people ~my age~ can afford down payments on houses--I guess they spend less money on Monday night wine and Chipotle.

and he's spending it on a mortgage instead of 4am cheese fries!

We meet his dad first, separately from his mom. Chase earns some points in my book for his handling of today's predicament. He and his parents are frank about the divorce situation and Chase even tells his dad honestly that the breakup effed him up a little. He goes about it in a I've-worked-this-out-in-therapy way not in a I-still-have-daddy-issues kind of way, if that makes sense.

Chase's mom seems sweet, but also like she's dreamt about her children being on reality television. I bet she'd be a great drinking buddy for JoJo's mom, so I approve of this relationship.

"Mom, I kind of like her, and your divorce makes me not like anyone" - teary Chase
"Honey, crying is not our style" - Chase's mom
"AMEN SISTA" - your two commissioners, at the same time while watching in different states.

Feelings are gross.

Casual reminder that Chase listed his three favorite movies as Gladiator, Ace Ventura, and The Chronicles of Narnia. Suddenly I'm finding him 10x more interesting than he has been all season. Despite this lame attempt at having a personality, I'm still mindlessly checking my phone every few minutes because this episode is turning out to be boring.

Next up we get Jordan in Chico, California which is home of the most sociable deer on the planet. Jordan takes one out of the Ben Higgins book and spends all of his time reminiscing about the glory days of high school. She meets his old teachers and pretends to care. You can tell he was that kid in high school who was charmingly obnoxious to teachers, and always laughing at you under the guise of laughing with you. We all knew that kid. He only listened to Top 40 music and asked a mediocre girl to homecoming because he thought it was ironic and his buddies would enjoy making fun of her all night. I hated that kid.

^Taken from the Rodgers family archives^

ABC very not-subtly reminds us that Aaron Rodgers is not there, and he doesn't exchange Christmas gifts with his brothers. You can tell that JoJo and Jordan didn't talk about this all day, but the editors sure want you to believe that they did. Srsly, I think the name Aaron was said more than "falling in love" in this episode, and that's obscene. I'm over it.

Jordan's older brother, whose name was equally as anglican, has the same swoopy hair and is dating a girl with pretty impressive hair volume. Tell me your secret, girl! Jordan's dad really wants to have the same hair as his sons but just doesn't quite have enough of it to pull off the look.

He's got that Pokemon hair - Allee, New Orleans league
*Important Note* This meme is pre-Pokemon Go.

Jordan's mom refers to him as her Spicy Child because he was the problem kid that tried to run away. Now would be a time to run away, Jordan, because JoJo keeps reminding him that they're supposed to get engaged in a week. I suspect this is a ploy to legally bind herself to Jordan's mom, whose voice is incredibly soothing and mesmerizing. I want a Pocket Jordan's Mom to talk me through all my problems.

Third on the docket is Robby in St Augustine, Florida. Anyone else notice how they haven't even hinted at Robby's current career? He's still "former competitive swimmer." To be fair, they've done the same with Jordan, but for some reason I care less about Jordan having a career. Not sure what that says about me or them.

JoJo meets half the city calling themselves "family members." All of his brothers look like contestants on this show. That perfect I've-been-tweezing-my-eyebrows-to-perfection-since-birth look runs in the family. Maybe Robby's career is running the modeling agency that is his immediate family.

The State Cup of Florida, used by Robby's entire family.

Robby's mom fills him in on the recent tabloid stories he's featured in. He's secretly loving the publicity, but knows he has to refute the charges to follow Process rules.  I know a few teams are disappointed he doesn't still have the girlfriend because that'd be worth a TON of valuable league points.

Somehow he talks himself out of the hole, and JoJo laps up her chardonnay out of his hands.

"Yes, I believe you're over your 4-year relationship that ended last week" - JoJo

Last but not least, we get Luke. The two stroll around a generic Texas town. I haven't spent much time in Texas, but I imagine this town is representative of 95% of the state. He even has a Texas-sized truck, which several league members texted to tell me was a "panty-dropping truck." This might be the city-girl in me, but all I see is a vehicle that would be impossible to parallel park. Heads up, Prius drivers, you're not below my standards.

He throws a big cookout for his date. It includes his immediate family, the entire population of this town, and one adorable baby with a serious case of giggly gas.

His dad is straight up adorable and gets all choked up talking about how proud he is of his son. There's something goose bump inducing about an old man in a cowboy hat holding back tears. It's true Americana and the producers are loving it.

Luke then takes her on a sunset stroll to the middle of nowhere with a perfectly placed sunset. It's a cinematographers dream! Judging by the cutoff white shorts JoJo is wearing, no one warned her of the required horseback riding.

Ok, maybe this is the wine talking, or the Dan and Shay background music, but Luke seems sincere and the least scummy of the pack, so I'm getting a little sappy. He tells her some mushy I-kinda-love-you-maybe stuff in a heart shaped arrangement of flowers. I want a man to say nice things in an accent to me like that. I wouldn't even care about his gas guzzling truck if he said those things!

That's how you earn yourself a fantasy suite.

Finally, we reach the rose ceremony, but I'm keeping a close eye on time. If ABC delays me a rose ceremony I will have suffered through this whole sleepy episode for naught. I had to place my phone in the other room to keep my attention on the screen.

This season's budget cuts now make more sense. They hired a private plane for the backdrop of this rose ceremony. Not how I would spend my production budget, but you do you, ABC.

OH SNAP editors let us know that JoJo plans to dump Luke, and magically Luke gets her attention at the last second to convince her he should stay.

^My exact face

"I need to dump Luke" - JoJo (in a FABULOUS blue dress)
"Heyyyyy, remember how hot I am in a suit? Can I just stand in front of you for a while and cause some internal conflict?" - Luke
"DAMN! Now I don't know what to do" - JoJo

I can honestly say I did NOT see this coming. It was my pool's consensus that Luke won hometowns, but I guess he didn't win her heart. Maybe she only has street parking in front of her house and knew that truck wouldn't cut it. If that's the case, I feel ya girl.

Against all of my advice and angry tweets, ABC pushes the rose ceremony to next week. I throw a dog toy at the TV to demonstrate my rage.

Heads up, next week is a two-night event. We get the rose ceremony + fantasy suite dates on Monday, then Men Tell All on Tuesday. Plan your evenings accordingly. The series finale will be on August 1.

Love and roses,
Julie
League Commissioner

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JoJo Week Seven: Remember When Gaucho Pants Were A Thing?

Hey, y'all.

Eliz here, comin' at ya this week from the great state of Tennessee. I attended my very first Nashville Conference watch party last night, which was just delightful, though I missed my Chicago crew immensely. Shoutout to Nashville Conference manager Emily for hosting. You might remember Emily from her guest blog last season. She's been with RtR since our infant days and has built up a strong following down South. We love her for it.

The gals in Emily's living room are full of southern sass and I feel right at home. Let's get started.

My kind of people.

We open with Alex reminiscing about getting that sad sad pity rose last week. Somehow, though, he feels on top of the world. Calm down, buddy. That's just the view from your step stool. Here is a poem I wrote for Alex (does not count for artistry as flattery points).

Roses are red.

Your balls are blue.

Chad went home. 

Now it's your turn.

This week we're going to have three 1x1 dates and one group date, aka 3x1. Rose up for grabs on the 3x1 date, but not the others.

Alex gets the first 1x1, because JoJo was tired of hearing him whine. Their date consists of a mostly silent road trip to their next destination, interspersed with rounds of thumb wars. At one point JoJo literally groans in misery. Not a good sign for Alex. In real life, if your girlfriend is audibly yearning to escape the car you're trapped in, you probably aren't going to end up marrying her. Just saying.

They arrive at an authentic Argentinian ranch where they meet authentic Argentinian gauchos. Okay actually that old one is probably a legit gaucho because he's all gray and haggard and can't speak a word of English. The one with the terrible accent and waxed mustache though...my eyes cannot roll back far enough in my head. On top of it all, his name is Oscar. Oscar the Gaucho.

JoJo and Alex don highly offensive authentic gaucho costumes and ride horses around the ranch. Alex's tiny legs are sticking straight out from the horse like a 5-year-old riding her birthday party pony.

They definitely had to make some aggressive adjustments to Alex's stirrups.

JoJo: "My date with Alex makes me think of a relationship I want to be in with someone else."

While Alex is on his pity date, the rest of the guys follow the caravan in a school bus. To entertain themselves, they drink 40s and sing camp songs rap about JoJo. Chase actually gets props for pulling out some legit beat boxing. Meanwhile, an intern gets fired for being horrible at writing raps on the fly.

They make a pit stop to eat some delicious looking street food and immediately start complaining about it like a bunch of pansy princesses. Honestly this is probably the best food you've eaten on this trip so please be quiet. In this moment I hate all of you.

Send some of that BBQ my way.

Back at the ranch (literally), the gaucho and his lover horse do a demonstration of tantric yoga in a very unnerving series of poses. After rolling in the grass for a bit, the horse is dead chilling on the ground and Alex and JoJo approach it to rest their heads on its neck and make out. One hundred percent, ABC hired a contract sniper to tranq that horse from a distance so this activity could play out safely. Really though, the horse doesn't look like it's breathing at all. V concerned about its welfare.

Alex tells JoJo that he's falling in love with her and she looks confused. Also like she's going to throw up.

Alex: "I love you."
JoJo: "You realize I'm not Chad, right?"

JoJo sends Alex home unceremoniously, to the tune of Randy Newman's "Short People." (CLICK THIS LINK). Praise Chris Harrison.

Jordan gets the second 1x1. He does Aaron's touchdown dance that he's been practicing in the mirror for years. Never got to do it on the field though. Bummer dude.

JoJo and JoRo fly on a private jet to Mendoza. When they arrive, they are driven in an Audi limo to spend the day at a winery. This date brought to you by the Argentinian drug cartels. #budgetcuts

JoJo: "I'm finally at the point where I'm trying to figure out if I could marry one of these guys. Tbh I've been in constant hangover recovery mode until now."

They stomp grapes together and JoJo rubs it on JoRo's legs. Then they drink it. THEY DRINK IT. THEY DRINK THE FOOT JUICE. They drink the brown, dirty, leg hair foot juice and all of America collectively vomits.

No caption necessary.

Side note: we see JoRo feed JoJo one of these grapes (pre-stomping). I don't know much about wine, but I do know two things: 1) I like to drink it. 2) Wine grapes are different from table grapes and you're not supposed to eat them.

This can only mean one thing. THE GRAPE STOMPING WAS STAGED. *~gAsP!~*

Shoutout to Emily from Chicago for confirming my suspicions.

Anyway. Moving on. They're at dinner talking about nothing until JoJo finally brings up the elephant in the room.

JoJo: "If I give you a hometown will I get to meet Aaron Rodgers?"
JoRo: "Yeah, about that....." *turns on Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)*

We learn that Jordan and his famous brother do not have the most stellar relationship. They haven't talked in years, and Jordan waxes poetic for a while about fame and love and family. JoJo eats it right up like that kid in Heavyweights when he discovers a stash of contraband candy bars. This appears to be everything JoJo needed to hear in order to solidify Jordan's rightful place in the top 2. No rose on this date but --spoiler alert -- Jordan gets the rose.

Time for the group date. We see James Taylor doing his affirmations in the mirror.

Apparently their fun outdoor activity was rained out so they stay in JoJo's hotel and get sloppy drunk, play games, and eat junk food. Normally I'm all for a good indoor game day but come on, producers. This is the best you've got for rainy day backup plans? Don't you have a museum buyout on reserve? I expect more from you. Clearly the budget is dwindling, and fast.

They're all completely hammed in this hotel room.

Exhibit A // JoJo dares Robby to strip down and run through the halls in his underwear. He obliges, and pretends to be embarrassed while simultaneously flexing every muscle at once.

Exhibit B // James, on party activities: "I'm gonna turn this into what I need this to be, which is an eating contest."

Exhibit C // Robby, on his emotions during The Process: "There's hard times but I pull it out. I'm good." ?????

Exhibit D // Chase, on his emotions of love: "I definitely have emotions of love with JoJo."

Exhibit E // Robby, talking about his past like it's an accidental boner: "I didn't want this fork in the road to come up but it's up and now I have to deal with it."

We learn that James Taylor's dad is also named James Taylor. I'm willing to bet that every man in that family is named James Taylor. They're an entire underground clan of James Taylors and they definitely have formed a James Taylor impersonator group/cover band.

Never thought I'd write James Taylor that many times in one paragraph.

JoJo leaves to fix her post-drunk makeup (I feel that) and sober up with some coffee. The guys sit around and talk a bunch of macho bullshit about who's the front runner. Drunk Robby tries really hard to articulate that he's only focusing on his own relationship with JoJo, so in his mind he's the only front runner. It would make perfect sense if they were all sober, but Drunk James and Drunk Chase hear it as I'M BEATING YOU AND YOU'RE GONNA LOSE HAHAHAHA.

Robby gets the rose. One last thing about Robby. During the date we learn some alarming details about his previous girlfriend. Apparently over the course of 3.5 years, he only met her mom one time and never ever went to her house. Not once. Then they "broke up" because he figured out he was getting catfished.

Manti can relate, Robby.

Luke gets the last 1x1 date. They ride horses, because, Argentina?

The Nashville Conference is at odds about the hotness of Luke. Hot or not? As commissioner, I'm laying down an official ruling. HOT. That drawl, those cowboy bow legs, his dead eyes hardened, war vet, somber eyes...

They go skeet shooting. Luke is amazing at it because he is amazing at everything. He coaches JoJo on how to shoot and I would give anything to be JoJo in this moment. She hits the skeet! Either Luke is a damn good instructor (very likely), or ABC's got that sniper from the horse date on retainer now (also very likely).

But maybe not, because again, #budgetcuts

Elimination time. All five of the remaining guys cram into one horse drawn carriage to ride to the rose ceremony. The two youngest siblings have to double-buckle so that three of them can fit on one side.

ABC is really leaning hard into this gaucho/rancher theme. Saddle decor, patterned blankets and horse buckles EVERYWHERE.

Luke, Jordan and Chase get roses, surprising no one. Cue "You've Got a Friend" by James Taylor (the real James Taylor).

JoJo says a tearful goodbye to James T. And by tearful I mean JoJo's entire face is wet. Get it together, girl. James will be fine. Honestly, he's probably the only person in Bachelor History who will come away from The Bachelorette more dateable than he was before the show. Women are going to be lining up to date him now and I'll be waiting patiently at the front of it.

Next week is hometowns! Looks like we've got a lot to look forward to: more Robby girlfriend drama, Luke in his natural ranch habitat, Chase's equally stone-faced family, and the ugly Rodgers brother. CAN'T. WAIT.

Now that we're down to the last few guys, they've toned down their stupid antics and point tallies are low. Check your standings though, it's a tight race in most pools.

Also, in case you're craving even MORE Bachelorette media, check out this fantastic podcast by 40s + Shorties. It's run by Roses to Riches' two most dedicated players Corinne Vittori and Rob Strodtman. I was a guest on their most recent episode so give them a listen! They're on SoundCloud and iTunes. Worth your time, I promise.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth
League Commissioner

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JoJo Week Six: Bésame, Jo-chacho

Happy Tuesday, Bachies.

This week's episode takes place in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Immediately we see Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior, reassuring us that he does get to make the full trip and not just show up for rose night. I wonder what his frequent flier miles look like. He's got to have hoes in different country codes. This man is living the dream.

Robby thinks they're in the "city of love." Wrong continent, bro.

First date of the week is a one-on-one with Wells. He's looking a lot better this week. Last week the bags under his eyes were reminiscent of characters in Trainspotting. I was worried for his wellsfare. Heh, see what I did there?

Now I'm worried about him in other ways because he tells the rest of the guys that he has not yet kissed JoJo. That's right--he made it past week two but hasn't locked lips with our leading lady. Not only is he a late bloomer, but he feels the need to tell ALL of his competition that he's in last place. He's shaking like a leaf from nerves when he leaves for the date.

They do some casual shopping that ABC shoots with their Friend Zone filter so we can all see where this is going. (Friend Zone filter is a real thing I just made up. Check ALL of my Instagram posts featuring males. Trust me.) Next they do this weird performance art, Cirque du Soleil-type thing that involves flopping around on a suspended pool. It's as if someone tripped and fell onto a pool cover and are trying to escape the standing water. Bizarre. If that were me, this would be much more Butter Dance, but it’s JoJo so it's cute. Speaking of cute, Wells is straight up precious throughout the whole date. During every talking head you can almost hear America say "bless your heart" in the background. They finally kiss and both cheer because they finally kiss. He uses the phrase “I have a tingle in my heart."

Do yourself a favor. Watch the Butter Dance at full volume.

He’s super eloquent at their “dinner” and says everything I’ve ever wanted a boy to say to me. I love him. I want to feed him a cheeseburger, but I love him.

Sadly, JoJo does not. She thinks he’s too skeptical to be with FOR-EV-VER and does not give him the rose. Poor guy can bring his angst over to my place and we’ll listen to emo music together. Bye, Wells.

Peace out, Wells. You will be sorely missed. As will your medical attention points.

Next up is a group date with Robby, Luke, Alex, Jordan, and James Taylor. James is having self esteem issues all day because the other guys are all attractive, athletic and asshole-y. His artistic soul and fluffy midriff feel out of place. In a plot twist, he makes a penalty soccer kick and gets to kiss her while all those Abercrombie models look on. Good on you, James T. Way to win one for sweethearts everywhere.

Later in the evening, Luke is being all sexy 'n’ stuff to solidify his frontrunner status. His makeout sesh with JoJo is as hot and steamy as New Orleans’ weather was this weekend (HA, regional joke.)

James T decides to kamikaze himself and spend his precious private time attacking Jordan instead of working on his own relationship status. He starts pouting over some rule dispute in a poker game, and that dispute is going to get him booted off this journey. Always does. Until now, I had been a fan of James T, but right now he sounds like some of the dudes I used to play intramurals with: "Nuh uh, ref, that was TOTALLY out of bounds. This is bullshit!"

You should know better, James T.

In classic JoJo fashion, she immediately tells Jordan that James T double-crossed him. If they both stay tonight, James T is getting smothered with hair mousse in his sleep. C’mon, Jo, couldn’t you just be vague? You can see the revenge wheels turning in Jordan's eyes as he does his best to explain the spat. I used to babysit a couple of boys who had this exact same argument once, minus the girl. They were eight.

Luke gets the group date rose.

Because ABC loves us, we get a second two-on-one date this season! First in franchise history. The lucky participants are Chase and Derek. Both of them are completely, totally 100% confident that they will be the one returning. What’s Spanish for presumptuous?

It takes three to tango in this date, but not these three because they’re all pretty bad. You know what isn’t bad? ALLLLL of the dramatic tension. Both men watch JoJo tangle up with the other and my TV starts to smoke from the fires of jealousy.

That night at "dinner" JoJo tells Derek that he’s been a show-er but not a grow-er, aka he took a strong lead but never really progressed. He tries to make up for it by dropping the “falling for you” card. Unfortunately, he’s like a month late to earn any points for it.

Then she tells Chase to use his words, to which he responds with nonchalant mumbles that magically woo her. Like really, I don’t think he said anything of value or interest, but she must have been having her own conversation in her head because Chase gets the rose and Derek is sent home.

You do you, girl. Both options are whatever.

Their musical serenade is the classic hit from Evita: Don’t Cry for Me Argentina. Should we have expected anything else? A producer Googled “Argentina” and praised himself for another creative breakthrough. As Chase and JoJo dance, Derek is put in the limo and driven around the same block until he sheds some strong man tears. We've hit a new level of literalness (totally a word, I promise.)

Producer: "Not enough tears, Derek. If I get enough footage to fill the entire length of the song, Chris Harrison said he'll give me a raise. KEEP CRYING!"

The cocktail party attendance is five men, one woman, and one BREATHTAKING blue gown. Holy crap, girl.

Get on it, Possessionista.

James T is grasping at straws during this cocktail party. He knows he’s on the chopping block so he starts "falling" with the rest of them. Let’s hope they’re dating with a safety net, because we have like six dudes "falling" to their demise.

All other convos are meh. Nothing of note.

During the rose ceremony JoJo needs an extra minute to choose between the final two, James T and Alex. She has a quick rules chat with Chris Harrison and SURPRISE she's keeping both men! An intern goes running to buy an additional plane ticket for their next locale. By the grace of Chris Harrison both James T and Alex move on to next week, saving several fantasy teams from complete elimination.

EVERYONE GETS A ROSE

Heads up, it looks like there will NOT be a 4th of July episode, so plan your DVR accordingly.

All the love and roses in South America,

Julie

Co-commissioner

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