Nick V Week Seven: Frustrated and Bloated. UGHHHHH.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm hesitant relieved to hand the reins over to Sam this week. You may know him as your favorite guest blogger. I just know him as the man who unseated me as the RtR Page View Record Holder. Last year's post blew my numbers out of the water. But I'm not bitter about it at all.

Just kidding, Sam. Love you to pieces. Every week I pretend you're sitting next to me on my couch and I test blog one liners on you. Creepy? Maybe. Okay. Here you go, everyone, I know y'all love him the most anyway. But I'M NOT BITTER ABOUT IT. Sam F, people.

I’m incredibly excited to be back guest blogging for RosesToRiches! I haven’t done as much writing post-college as I would have liked, but HEY DAD! LOOK I’M GUEST BLOGGING FOR A BACHELOR FAN SITE!

Let's get into it, shall we?

The episode starts with all of the girls sitting on the couch reflecting on the events of the previous night. They definitely don’t love how the night unfolded. Nick is clearly worried that he isn’t going to find what he’s looking for, and the girls, in turn, are worried that Nick is worried that he isn’t going to find what he is looking for. Woh did you follow that? Nick storms off and the girls worry that he might never come back.

“Maybe he isn’t ready for this.” Fair.

“I’m terrified that he’s checking out for good.” Eh, less fair.

“I’ve actually never been more afraid about what might happen next.” My eyes LITCHRALLY cannot roll any further back into my head.

The next morning, Nick makes his way back to the girls’ hotel room. He sits them all down and begins to discuss the exact same topic. He goes on and on about how he might not be able to continue doing this. Listen, I get that he’s afraid that this whole journey (ugh, I hate that I just used that word) might end without an engagement. I get it. But Nick, you gotttttta stop talking about it. He has the girls on the edges of their seats because they genuinely think he is going to pull out of the show for good…?

Oops, I was wrong. My eyes just rolled back a little further.

SURPRISINGLY, Nick stays on the show and tells the girlies that A) there will be no rose ceremony and that B) they’re all going to Bimini!

First confession of the night: I, like each of the girls, had no idea where Bimini was, nor did I know that such a place even existed. I wonder how many takes of the Bimini announcement they had to do to get the appropriate level of excitement.

They land in Bimini (which I now know is a small island, part of the Bahamas, about 50 miles off the coast of Miami) and the girls run into their hotel room with more enthusiasm than I personally think was warranted. Honestly, it’s like these women have never been in a hotel room before. They run into the bedroom: “A BED!” They run into the family room: “A COUCH!”

Let's bring it down a notch.

A knock at the door: the first date card of the episode. It’s a one on one date with Vanessa! I like Vanessa (and she’s on my team) so let’s just ignore the fact that the date card said “Let’s go deeper, Vanessa.”

Nick takes Vanessa onto a super nice boat. They lounge on the front and discuss how hard the previous week was for the group. Let me just remind everyone….NOTHING ACTUALLY HAPPENED you all just got tired and crabby from playing 20 minutes of beach volleyball. Like, enough of this “last week was so difficult” nonsense.

Back at the apartment, Corinne starts going off on Vanessa to the other women. Her main argument is that Vanessa has no depth. Which is ironic, given that Corinne is about as deep as the latest Pussycat Dolls album.

Nick and Vanessa jump off the boat and swim towards a shipwreck. And what a beautiful coral reef! Wouldn’t it be nice if it stayed that way? Let’s be real…global warming is destroying that reef faster than Corinne destroyed her poolside nachos from last week’s episode.

During the dinner portion of the one-on-one, Vanessa states that she wants ease in a relationship, which is perplexing given the fact that she willingly went on a reality TV dating show starring ARGUABLY one of the most unpopular bachelors in the show’s history. But yes, Vanessa, you get that ease.

He looks a little bored, doesn’t he? She is talking a bunch and he looks like he’d rather be somewhere else.

She says she loves him and he responds that he really likes her. He even follows up with an explanation: he only wants to only say “I love you” to one girl. Within the Bachelor guidelines, she should have taken this as a compliment. CURSE YOU BEN HIGGINS FOR MAKING IT A POSSIBILITY THAT THE BACHELOR SAYS I LOVE YOU TO MORE THAN ONE GIRL. Also, Ben Higgins…swoon.

This used to be a formula show.

Next we have the group date! Corinne, Raven, and Kristina! Nick invites the girls onto another massive yacht. Oh by the way, Corinne has been on a bigger yacht than this. Did everyone hear that? Guys, Corinne has been on a bigger yacht than this, pass it along.

As they settle onto the boat, Nick begins applying suntan lotion to the women. Wait, did you just ask if he forgot to apply sunscreen to their inner thighs? I KNOW! IT’S A SENSITIVE AREA AND BURNS REALLY EASILY! But no, Nick didn’t forget their inner thighs….

While on the boat, Nick tells the three women that they’re all going to go swimming with the sharks. TBH we’re all just waiting for Alexis to show up and try to convince them that the sharks are actually dolphins.

^How we hoped this would pan out^

On a personal note, it’s a goal of mine to swim with the sharks so if anyone knows how to make that happen, please get in touch.

They aren’t out in the water very long before Kristina has a little bit of a panic attack. She starts to cry and is consoled by Nick. This, obviously, doesn’t impress Corinne. She is NOT happy about the attention Kristina is getting. It must be really awkward for Corinne and Raven to be on this one-on-one date with Nick and Kristina….

Cut to the cocktail portion of the group date. Corinne, girl…you’re drunk already and the party hasn’t even started. Kristina, unsurprisingly, gets pulled for some one on one time first. Nick is SO into her. She kind of came out of nowhere (…Siberia…?). Nick starts tearing up again about…say it out loud with me on the count of three:

One…

Two…

Three…

HOW NERVOUS HE IS THAT HE WON’T FIND LOVE ON THE SHOW.

She actually consoles him, which was nice to see. Like, not a Corinne-style “let me console you with my tongue,” ordeal but rather, a genuine and sincere showing of empathy.

The camera cuts to Chad eating meat Corinne eating cubes and cubes of cheese while discussing, again, how she is annoyed that she isn’t getting more one-on-one time with Nick.

Nick pulls Raven over for some time alone. He asks her if she calls her dad “daddy,” which I found odd. His reaction to her saying “yes” made me think he was disappointed that the nickname was already taken…

We do find out some important information about Raven, though. Her father was diagnosed with lung cancer a couple years back, which was why she decided to give up on law school. It was nice to see a more vulnerable tint to Raven. And it looked like Nick was touched that she decided to share such an important detail with him.

Then it’s Corinne’s turn with Nick. Ugh. She is insufferable.

She says something along the lines of “I hate to be that girl who complains about this stuff but I haven’t had a one on-one with you yet.” “I hate to be that girl, but….” is NEVER a good way to start a conversation with anyone, let alone the person you’re actively trying to date. Nick eventually tells Corinne to stop worrying – she is still part of the competition so clearly she’s doing something right. NICK YOU IDIOT.

At the end of the night the rose is given to Raven. I would have chosen Kristina given their interactions but I’ve given up trying to understand how Nick thinks.

Nothing he says makes sense.

Nick takes Raven outside to watch the Adam Friedman concert….

Ok. I’ll wait while you Google Adam Freidman. I know! Not bad, huh? It’s good, but it sorta seems like the show spent their entire entertainment budget on the Backstreet Boys and are now left scrounging around the Nashville karaoke scene for “qualified” “performers.”

Raven and Nick makeout while sorta slow dancing / sorta grinding (ugh, I just cringed writing that word) and the night comes to an end.

Next date night is a one-on-one with Danielle! For the longest time Danielle was my number one pick. She was intelligent, beautiful, engaging, and fun. But something is different this time around. They don’t have much chemistry. They bike around the island and exchange awkward silences left and right.

They eventually settle into a cool little local bar on the water – perfect for romantic conversation. They start off by talking about their day together. There is so little to talk about that they resort to looking out into the water and debating whether a big rock in the middle of the ocean is made of shells or solid rock. Low point, guys.

Cut to the chase…

^Summation of their entire interaction^

SIDE BAR – I was just informed that Chase and Robby (from JoJo’s season) live together. I believe it was Lizzie McGuire who famously said, “THIS IS WHAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF.” Holy MAN. I’m sweating.

Back to reality – Nick tells Danielle that he doesn’t see their future going any further together. Danielle is heartbroken. And I’m heartbroken watching her. I don’t think they were right for each other, but her pleading for him to “walk back through that door” was devastating.

The camera cuts to Corinne who is getting ready to go pay Nick a surprise late night visit. She is brushing her hair, doing her lips, tucking her devil horns back into her head, putting on nice shoes…you know, the usual. She. Is. CRAZY.

She knocks and he willlllingly invites her in. They’re sitting on the couch talking and Nick takes her hand and places it on his head to initiate a long makeout. I’ve concluded that, while I don’t LOVE Corinne, NICK is truly the problem. The dude just wants to take her to the fantasy suite and that’s all he cares about at this point. After they take their couch hookup to the bed, he stops her because he doesn’t want to take things too far. Oh wow! Nick DOES have a moral compass! She wobbles (the drinks + the high heels) back to her own hotel room feeling more self-conscious than when she left for Nick’s.

Incredibly uncomfortable to watch.

The next date goes to Rachel! Easily my favorite contestant on the show this season. Down to earth, smart, beautiful, engaging, fun! I kind of wish she was the next Bachelorette…

AHEM…

They actually have chemistry together. Nick gets giddy around her, which I love. They go to a quiet, non-touristy bar, and talk about hometowns. Nothing revolutionary in their conversation but they interact like a real couple. Their date is quick, but Rachel returns home very confident in how it went.

Nick, while talking to Chris Harrison, admits he knows who he wants to send home. He also tells Chris he would rather let the woman know in private vs. having a formal rose ceremony. He walks into the women’s suite and asks to speak with Kristina.

NICK.

ARE.

YOU.

KIDDING.

Are we being punk'd?

He pulls her aside and tells her that he feels love for her, but that he isn’t falling in love with her. She claims he didn’t give her a fair chance, which is completely accurate. She is distraught and shattered – totally understandable given their last couple interactions.

It is absolutely ridiculous that he kicked her off and kept Corinne. I just don’t get it. Nick has lost all credibility in my eyes. If Corinne makes it past hometowns, I might not continue to watch.

Psych. I’ll continue to watch regardless…..I just really hope he comes to his senses.

And if he doesn’t, I can still rest easy knowing that CHASE AND ROBBY LIVE TOGETHER IN REAL LIFE.

We’re left with yet another cliffhanger. Someone has planted the idea in Corinne’s head that she still might get cut. Which would be ah.maz.ing. But we won’t know until next week.

Check your points. Smack talk with your pool.

Love and Stuff,
Sam F

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Nick V Week Six: Turnt Up Turnips

Greetings, Bachies. I'm writing this week from my parents' home in Indiana (about an hour away from our buddy Ben H). Yes, that means my mama and father are watching with me. That also means I had to settle for nasty sweet red wine my parents got as a gift two Christmases ago. The Suttons are beer people, not reality TV people, but I'm making do.

My father is pretending to not to pay attention but totally is. He pokes his head out from his historical fiction novel and chimes in with a "which one is she" every few minutes. Mama thinks all the girls have self esteem issues.

Quick little note since we had our lovely guest blogger, Jillian, last week: did anyone notice a certain commissioner in the background of Nick and Rachel's New Orleans date? That's right, I'm apparently connected enough in the New Orleans scene to be invited as an extra for Bachelor filming (New Orleans people will snort at that statement; every New Orleanian has been an extra in something in the past two years.) The episode was filmed the second week in October, and we got to enjoy the music stylings of LOLO, who is a huge Bach fan and all-around fabulous. Check her out.

So I'm basically part of the Bach cast family now, right?

The whole experience was hilarious, and before anyone gets all up in arms about my inside knowledge, I cleared my drafting eligibility with the Board of Directors who confirmed not enough actionable info was spoiled. Since I'm a celebrity now, let me know if an AMA is in order.

Taken while Rachel was whisked away for an interview immediately post-second line.

Back to the week at hand:

ABC brings us back to the end of the swamp tour/voodoo two-on-one. The lucky PA of the day gets to ominously remove Taylor's suitcase from the girls' hotel suite, but she's not going down without a fight. Taylor catches a ride to Nick and Corinne's date, gives him a quick warning about Corinne and clarification about herself.
"I'm not a bully" - Taylor
"Sure. Ok. Corinne is DTF tho. Swipe left." - Nick

Point-keeping housekeeping: Taylor received the 15 points for coming back after elimination because she came back to interact with the lead. This is based on a precedent ruling set last season when Chad came back after elimination and only spoke to the guys, but later Chase came back and actually talked with JoJo. The rule on Return After Elimination points is that the returning contestant must come back to interact with Nick after being dumped, instead of just taking the breakup with dignity. Direct all complaints ABC interns.

15 points ain't no joke.

Back at my ranch (JK, its a middle class midwestern home next to a cornfield), my mama thinks this show is awful, but she's proud that I'm winning my pool. My dad is confused about the format and why no one cheers when their friends get roses.

Nick cuts Jaimi, Alexis, and Josephine. No one is surprised, but I am sad to see Dolphin Girl go. She was the Dog Lover of our time. Pour one out for Alexis--but don't pour out the good wine, only the nasty sweet red. The rest of the contestants, finally trimmed down to 9, are headed to St. Thomas. Mama Sutton doesn't think any of the girls know where that is and finds all of the fake hugs amusing.

Side note: Chris Harrison apparently had a prior commitment for this scene and was not the one to announce the St. Thomas destination. Seeing Nick do it with such stilted and awkward enthusiasm just reaffirms all of my affection for Our Lord and Savior. Miss u, Chris.

More point-keeping reminders: Week Five points stopped here, and everything in St. Thomas counts for Week Six. If you haven't figured this annoying quirk out yet, you're not paying close enough attention to your points each week. Also, since we're now down to a single digit number of contestants, rose value will increase by one point each week. Week Six roses will count for two points.

Kristina gets the first one-on-one of the week, which begins with a sea plane ride to some ruins. We find out that she's one of eight children, plus she has a sibling back in Russia. Can you imagine trying to gather all of her and Nick's families together for a holiday? It'd be as crowded as Night One at the mansion!

Seriously, that's like 18 kids in the two families.

Jasmine is full of tears this week. She's bitter about not having a one-on-one date yet, which is justifiable considering Corinne is still there. She's beginning to spiral. Stay tuned.

Lorna the paid actress  housekeeper  highly offensive stereotype nanny (?) comes to visit the girls back at the penthouse. Corinne gets an entitled sparkle in her eye and quickly asks for dry cleaning services and nachos. I'm not at all ok with this. Poor taste, ABC.

Kristina tells a heartbreaking story about her childhood living with a negligent mom and then in an orphanage in Russia. I have zero snark in response to this because she has had a rough life and has overcome a lot. She's my new favorite and I now consider her too good for Nick.

Side note: my parents just realized this is a two hour show. They are less than pleased.

My dad would rather be watching American Pickers.

Group date to an island including a competitive volleyball game. The group gets nice and toasty, aka wasted. Viewers are gifted a shot of Jasmine pushing Corinne to the ground and oh how I wish this was elaborated on. The day started pleasantly, but ends with half the gang in tequila-inspired tears. FYI, Jasmine's push is NOT a physical altercation because it appears to be playful-ish roughhousing--not violent animosity.

"If Jasmine were a vegetable, she'd be a turnip, because she is turned all the way up." -That's SO Raven

Mix some tequila with jet lag and low self-worth, and VOILA: prime time entertainment.

Jasmine is quickly free falling into the land of self destruction via non-stop talking. She thinks she's the only girl not getting screen time validation. In a strange turn of events, she brings it up to him and then threatens to choke him in a maybe-kidding, sexually violent kind of way. Per Bachelor tradition, her complaining gets her booted off. More unceremonious elimination points!

My mom decides to go to bed at this point. Her loss.

Raven got the group date rose, but ABC didn't feel the need to include it in the final edit. Rude. Instead, we see three of the girls day-drunk hungover in bed with two empty bottle of Barefoot on the nightstand. Been there.

Danielle L and Whitney on this week's two-on-one. The girls are confused as to why they're pitted against one another when they haven't even bitched about each other. Lately, two-on-ones have been reserved for contestants that hate one another. What a twist!

The date is uneventful, much like Whitney's personality. Nick keeps Danielle L for the moment and they fly away, leaving Whitney marooned on the island, per usual.

Nick mumbles through the evening date. Danielle gives some of the dullest answers to decent questions:

"What are you looking for in a relationship, and don't say something that every relationship is supposed to have" - Nick
"Love and trust" - Danielle, aka D-Lo
"Did you not understand the question?" - Nick
"I think we're on the same page" - Delusional-Lo
*Nick's dead eyes look past her face into the distance*

Danielle gets dropped. He's just not that into her. Unceremonious elimination points for Dumped-Lo and another suitcase is dramatically removed from the penthouse. I'm super jealous of the PA that gets to do the suitcase removal. If that were me, I'd play some kind of dark, suspenseful music as I entered and exited.

^I'd dress like this too^

Post-date Nick stops by to see the girls, and you can tell a producer definitely woke them up for this moment. He's crying and they're hiding their un-made up faces. He whines about having to eliminate girls, and is worried that he doesn't actually like any of the girls but is just there for the a-a-a-a-a-a-alcohol... and Instagram fame.

Stupid ABC gives us another stupid cliffhanger. Producers, I was cool with it a few weeks ago, but I find your lack of formula disturbing. Cut some of the Corinne fluff and give us a Rose Ceremony at the end of next ep, pls.

This is a scream of anger. Not fear.

After the show I asked my dad for his thoughts. He spent several minutes describing the murder mystery novel he's pretending to read instead of watching Bach. I'd put money on him asking me who won a month from now.

That's all for me, folks. Check your points, complain and trash talk in the comments. Speaking of complaints, some whiners are unhappy with the absurd amount of points Corinne has won this season. I think this week balanced that out a bit--also, who could have predicted she'd stay on this long? Seriously, I would have put money on her being gone immediately following the whipped cream incident. People like her are why you need to draft your teams with a balance of crazy & longevity. Also, na-na-na-nana-na, I'm finally winning!

Love and Roses,
Julie

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