Nick V Week Six: Turnt Up Turnips

Greetings, Bachies. I'm writing this week from my parents' home in Indiana (about an hour away from our buddy Ben H). Yes, that means my mama and father are watching with me. That also means I had to settle for nasty sweet red wine my parents got as a gift two Christmases ago. The Suttons are beer people, not reality TV people, but I'm making do.

My father is pretending to not to pay attention but totally is. He pokes his head out from his historical fiction novel and chimes in with a "which one is she" every few minutes. Mama thinks all the girls have self esteem issues.

Quick little note since we had our lovely guest blogger, Jillian, last week: did anyone notice a certain commissioner in the background of Nick and Rachel's New Orleans date? That's right, I'm apparently connected enough in the New Orleans scene to be invited as an extra for Bachelor filming (New Orleans people will snort at that statement; every New Orleanian has been an extra in something in the past two years.) The episode was filmed the second week in October, and we got to enjoy the music stylings of LOLO, who is a huge Bach fan and all-around fabulous. Check her out.

So I'm basically part of the Bach cast family now, right?

The whole experience was hilarious, and before anyone gets all up in arms about my inside knowledge, I cleared my drafting eligibility with the Board of Directors who confirmed not enough actionable info was spoiled. Since I'm a celebrity now, let me know if an AMA is in order.

Taken while Rachel was whisked away for an interview immediately post-second line.

Back to the week at hand:

ABC brings us back to the end of the swamp tour/voodoo two-on-one. The lucky PA of the day gets to ominously remove Taylor's suitcase from the girls' hotel suite, but she's not going down without a fight. Taylor catches a ride to Nick and Corinne's date, gives him a quick warning about Corinne and clarification about herself.
"I'm not a bully" - Taylor
"Sure. Ok. Corinne is DTF tho. Swipe left." - Nick

Point-keeping housekeeping: Taylor received the 15 points for coming back after elimination because she came back to interact with the lead. This is based on a precedent ruling set last season when Chad came back after elimination and only spoke to the guys, but later Chase came back and actually talked with JoJo. The rule on Return After Elimination points is that the returning contestant must come back to interact with Nick after being dumped, instead of just taking the breakup with dignity. Direct all complaints ABC interns.

15 points ain't no joke.

Back at my ranch (JK, its a middle class midwestern home next to a cornfield), my mama thinks this show is awful, but she's proud that I'm winning my pool. My dad is confused about the format and why no one cheers when their friends get roses.

Nick cuts Jaimi, Alexis, and Josephine. No one is surprised, but I am sad to see Dolphin Girl go. She was the Dog Lover of our time. Pour one out for Alexis--but don't pour out the good wine, only the nasty sweet red. The rest of the contestants, finally trimmed down to 9, are headed to St. Thomas. Mama Sutton doesn't think any of the girls know where that is and finds all of the fake hugs amusing.

Side note: Chris Harrison apparently had a prior commitment for this scene and was not the one to announce the St. Thomas destination. Seeing Nick do it with such stilted and awkward enthusiasm just reaffirms all of my affection for Our Lord and Savior. Miss u, Chris.

More point-keeping reminders: Week Five points stopped here, and everything in St. Thomas counts for Week Six. If you haven't figured this annoying quirk out yet, you're not paying close enough attention to your points each week. Also, since we're now down to a single digit number of contestants, rose value will increase by one point each week. Week Six roses will count for two points.

Kristina gets the first one-on-one of the week, which begins with a sea plane ride to some ruins. We find out that she's one of eight children, plus she has a sibling back in Russia. Can you imagine trying to gather all of her and Nick's families together for a holiday? It'd be as crowded as Night One at the mansion!

Seriously, that's like 18 kids in the two families.

Jasmine is full of tears this week. She's bitter about not having a one-on-one date yet, which is justifiable considering Corinne is still there. She's beginning to spiral. Stay tuned.

Lorna the paid actress  housekeeper  highly offensive stereotype nanny (?) comes to visit the girls back at the penthouse. Corinne gets an entitled sparkle in her eye and quickly asks for dry cleaning services and nachos. I'm not at all ok with this. Poor taste, ABC.

Kristina tells a heartbreaking story about her childhood living with a negligent mom and then in an orphanage in Russia. I have zero snark in response to this because she has had a rough life and has overcome a lot. She's my new favorite and I now consider her too good for Nick.

Side note: my parents just realized this is a two hour show. They are less than pleased.

My dad would rather be watching American Pickers.

Group date to an island including a competitive volleyball game. The group gets nice and toasty, aka wasted. Viewers are gifted a shot of Jasmine pushing Corinne to the ground and oh how I wish this was elaborated on. The day started pleasantly, but ends with half the gang in tequila-inspired tears. FYI, Jasmine's push is NOT a physical altercation because it appears to be playful-ish roughhousing--not violent animosity.

"If Jasmine were a vegetable, she'd be a turnip, because she is turned all the way up." -That's SO Raven

Mix some tequila with jet lag and low self-worth, and VOILA: prime time entertainment.

Jasmine is quickly free falling into the land of self destruction via non-stop talking. She thinks she's the only girl not getting screen time validation. In a strange turn of events, she brings it up to him and then threatens to choke him in a maybe-kidding, sexually violent kind of way. Per Bachelor tradition, her complaining gets her booted off. More unceremonious elimination points!

My mom decides to go to bed at this point. Her loss.

Raven got the group date rose, but ABC didn't feel the need to include it in the final edit. Rude. Instead, we see three of the girls day-drunk hungover in bed with two empty bottle of Barefoot on the nightstand. Been there.

Danielle L and Whitney on this week's two-on-one. The girls are confused as to why they're pitted against one another when they haven't even bitched about each other. Lately, two-on-ones have been reserved for contestants that hate one another. What a twist!

The date is uneventful, much like Whitney's personality. Nick keeps Danielle L for the moment and they fly away, leaving Whitney marooned on the island, per usual.

Nick mumbles through the evening date. Danielle gives some of the dullest answers to decent questions:

"What are you looking for in a relationship, and don't say something that every relationship is supposed to have" - Nick
"Love and trust" - Danielle, aka D-Lo
"Did you not understand the question?" - Nick
"I think we're on the same page" - Delusional-Lo
*Nick's dead eyes look past her face into the distance*

Danielle gets dropped. He's just not that into her. Unceremonious elimination points for Dumped-Lo and another suitcase is dramatically removed from the penthouse. I'm super jealous of the PA that gets to do the suitcase removal. If that were me, I'd play some kind of dark, suspenseful music as I entered and exited.

^I'd dress like this too^

Post-date Nick stops by to see the girls, and you can tell a producer definitely woke them up for this moment. He's crying and they're hiding their un-made up faces. He whines about having to eliminate girls, and is worried that he doesn't actually like any of the girls but is just there for the a-a-a-a-a-a-alcohol... and Instagram fame.

Stupid ABC gives us another stupid cliffhanger. Producers, I was cool with it a few weeks ago, but I find your lack of formula disturbing. Cut some of the Corinne fluff and give us a Rose Ceremony at the end of next ep, pls.

This is a scream of anger. Not fear.

After the show I asked my dad for his thoughts. He spent several minutes describing the murder mystery novel he's pretending to read instead of watching Bach. I'd put money on him asking me who won a month from now.

That's all for me, folks. Check your points, complain and trash talk in the comments. Speaking of complaints, some whiners are unhappy with the absurd amount of points Corinne has won this season. I think this week balanced that out a bit--also, who could have predicted she'd stay on this long? Seriously, I would have put money on her being gone immediately following the whipped cream incident. People like her are why you need to draft your teams with a balance of crazy & longevity. Also, na-na-na-nana-na, I'm finally winning!

Love and Roses,
Julie